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LoL champions on Earth

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Master Cen

Senior Member


Awesome work bro ! I can feel your pain

please use LeBlanc T_T I can almost imagine her fitting into your writing style. Maybe LeBlanc with Swain .. yeah ... that would be some hot action.

Hahaha i thought about those 2 too.

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Senior Member


7 in a row!


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this is really good, i love it, really funny as well! keep it up.

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Keep it up Belth!

I should really get back to writing some time.

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Senior Member


Master Cen:
Awesome work bro ! I can feel your pain

Prophetic words considering what I'm posting next.

For those familiar with my thread, everything that I post is based off of something that actually happened from my life. However, thus far, they've normally been situations that happened years ago. In this case, while I've had a little less time to write it, it's something that happened to me quite recently... I still have the marks to prove it... OWW...

Hello everyone! Once again, it is I, your overly cheery narrator. I had something interesting happen to me the other day, but nevermind that, let's see what our happy couples are up to...

Katarina: Come on, you know you want to. Admit it. You're curious how it'll feel.

Belthazor: No.

Katarina: Just try it once.

Belthazor: No.

Katarina: Please?

Belthazor: No.

Katarina: I'll wear my kitty outfit!

Belthazor: Women wear sexy outfits willingly. That's hardly a barganing chip.

Katarina: But you love it when I wear my kitty outfit!

Belthazor: Of course I do, I'm a straight male.

Katarina: Great! So I was thinking we could start with the fingers, and -

Belthazor: NO!

Katarina: Well why not!?

Belthazor: Because he's innocent.

Katarina: He was a tresspasser!

Belthazor: HE'S MY MAIL-MAN!

Katarina: Oh...

Belthazor: You're going to untie him, say you're sorry, call Vlad, and ask him to re-attatch that poor man's thumb.

Katarina: Are you mad at me?

Belthazor: ...

Katarina: You're mad at me arn't you.

Belthazor: No... no, I'm not mad at you.

Katarina: You -sound- mad.

Belthazor: The mail-man is NOT a burglar! I don't mind what you do to the occasional mugger or burglar, or door-to-door salesman, but Frank's a good fellow. It's okay. He'll be fine. You didn't know that people who deliver mail on Earth wear those uniforms. It's not your fault, and I'm not mad at you. Now go call Vlad.

Katarina: Promise you're not mad?

Belthazor: Promise.

Katarina: ...so, maybe you'll torture them with me if I find a burglar?

Belthazor: VLAD. CALL. NOW.

<a few hours earlier>

<Belthazor has just walked through the door, with a couple bags of groceries on each arm. Katarina immediately runs up to him, grabs the bag of doughnuts out from one of the grocery bags, and starts browsing through the contents while Belthazor takes the bags to the kitchen>

Belthazor: OWWW...

Katarina: <taking a bite out of a maple doughnut> Mmmm?

Belthazor: My back hurts a lot.

Katarina: I'll take a look.

<she helps Belthazor put the groceries in their proper place - the doughnuts and cookies of course being with her - and then they go into the bedroom, where Belthazor takes his shirt off, and lays face-down - Katarina immediately jumps ontop of him and straddles his back, making him groan in pain>

Katarina: Lessie...

Katarina: Hmm, these scratch marks arn't mine. What happened to your back?

Belthazor: I was putting the groceries in the back of the car when the popped trunk came down on my back. I think I may have a nasty cut from the metal bits.

Katarina: Mmhmm, one spot is bleeding.

Belthazor: Where? - GAAAAHHH!

<Katarina jams her index and middle fingers into a large gash on Belthazor's back>

Katarina: Right there!

Belthazor: PAIN.

Katarina: And now I have blood on my fingers from showing you the spot. You're so messy.

Belthazor: IN PAIN.

Katarina: <smiling> I know.

Belthazor: owwwwww.

Katarina: Fine, I'll be nice. You're lucky I know all the pressure points, for both pain and pleasure. The human body is such an interesting thing to toy with.

<she absently licks the blood off of her fingertips while working on the various marks on Belthazor's back, "accidentally" triggering pain responses from time to time>

Belthazor: For the most part, that feels really good - OWWW.

Katarina: You know, maybe I wouldn't hit so many sensitive spots if you had done what I wanted to do last night.

Belthazor: We're not going to go kill homeless people.

Katarina: Well, if we had, we'd have all the spare body parts needed and I could stitch some skin on over the wound. Don't you feel silly now?

Belthazor: That doesn't sound all that effective... or pleasant.

Katarina: ...well not for you. I would've had fun though. Don't you care about me?

Belthazor: I think I'll just ask Vladimir to patch me up. He can do it without having to make cuts.

Katarina: I don't have to make cuts. I just like to.

Belthazor: That's kinda my point...

Katarina: Well, you're not going to Vlad until I'm done with you.

Belthazor: <groans>

<About an hour and a half later, Belthazor exits the bedroom looking tired, while the cut on his back is treated neatly and covered by a clean adhesive dressing to stop any bleeding, held in place by surgical tape... though it would appear that Katarina forced the wound wider and poured alcohol on it before deciding to finally treat it properly.>

<Meanwhile, across town>

Phone: *Ring Ring*

Phone: *Ring Ring*

Phone: *Ring Ring*

Morgana: Hey!

Belthazor: <GROANS LOUDLY>

Morgana: I sent him out to get some flour, he should be back by the time you get here.

Belthazor: Thanks.

Morgana: What'd she do this time?

Belthazor: Oh, she never inflicts them... she does have a lot of fun making them worse before making them better, though.

Morgana: Aww, how sweet.

Belthazor: She actually patched me up pretty good, but I'll still need Vlad to repair it fully if I want to be able to lay on my back tonight.

Morgana: Mmhmm, like I said, how sweet.

Belthazor: ...NOT what I meant. You have a dirty mind, woman.

Morgana: For the record, I was saying it was sweet that she'll actually go out of the way to heal you.

Belthazor: That's a lie.

Morgana: Of course it is, I'm a lady, and it would be very un-lady-like for me to be honest about what I was thinking. But, it really is sweet that she'll actually heal you.

Belthazor: Yeah... but seriously, I'll toss and turn all night like this.

Morgana: Hah! Very poor choice of words. Maybe I should add in a few more cuts so you're nice and energetic.

Belthazor: <facepalm> ...Okay, I set myself up for that.

Morgana: Mmhmm, now hurry over!

Belthazor: I'm going to sneak out of the house. Too tired to resist her wanting to drive.

Morgana: You sound tired.

Belthazor: She's taking a nap at the moment.

Morgana: You know, maybe if you'd help me get a driver's license I could just come and pick you up...

Belthazor: You're even more violent on the road than she is! I don't even know how that's scientifically possible!

Morgana: You have insurance, you big baby. Anyway, Vlad should be back any minute. Now hurry up!

Belthazor: 'kay. Be there in a few.

<Belthazor hangs up and turns around>

Katarina: I'm not asleep anymore.

Belthazor: How long were you standing there?

Katarina: <cheerfully> Long enough to know you're going to let me drive finally!

Belthazor: ...Will you refrain from destroying everything?

Katarina: Sure.

Belthazor: ...you're agreeing to that a little too readily.

Katarina: I'm in a good mood! You have nothing to worry about.

Belthazor: ...well, this couldn't possibly end badly.

Katarina: <smiles>

<three minutes later>



Belthazor: <holds his arms up to shield his face> I just want you to know, I always had a fetish for sock puppets and wearing pretty dresses. I've been using the mirror in the bathroom to tell myself what a pretty princess I am.

Katarina: We havn't even left the driveway yet...

Belthazor: I'm just warming up so that I'm ready when the time comes.

Katarina: Oh har, har, har. Very funny. I have a joke too. It involves one of my knives and your kidney. Want to hear it?

Belthazor: No? Vlad could just fix it anyway.

Katarina: So I can do whatever I want to you and it won't matter?

Belthazor: Forget I said that.

Katarina: Spoil sport.

Belthazor: I really should get you into video games.

Katarina: By the way, I made your knife kill-to-death ratio in Battlefield 2142 go way up a couple days ago while you were at work. A server admin banned me for stabbing him repeatedly. How do I find out where he lives?

Belthazor: ...

Katarina: You really need some more original passwords. Not like it'd matter. I can always stab you if you don't tell me the new ones.

Belthazor: Just drive. My back still hurts pretty badly.

Katarina: Well maybe I wouldn't have hid the painkillers if you were nicer to me and let me kill a few -

Belthazor: Enough about the homeless people!

Katarina: Well FINE! <slams on the gas>

Belthazor: I'm just going to hide under my hoodie and pretend the world isn't ending.

<15 minutes of speeding later, Belthazor and Katarina arrive safely at Vlad and Morgana's house, without a single scratch or dent on Belthazor's Volvo. Not like a Volvo can actually be scratched or dented, but you get the point.>

Belthazor: WE'RE ALIVE!

Katarina: You won't be for long if you keep that up.

Belthazor: <hops out of the car> LAND! SWEET, SOLID, STABLE LAND!!


Vladimir: Take your shirt off Bel. This will sting a bit.

Belthazor: Yeah, I know. I remember last time.

Morgana: You two should stay for lunch. I just made a pie!

Katarina: Sure!

Belthazor: PAIN.

Vladimir: Okay. Your back's all better. Actually, I think this was overkill. Your back would've been fine, I think. The wound was already pretty well taken care of.

Belthazor: Yeah, but it'd sting too much for me to lay on my back by tonight without any painkillers.

Katarina: I would've given you the painkillers by then. Maybe. Depends.

Morgana: So, lunch!!

Belthazor: Food is good.

Katarina: I agree! But we can't stay too long, I have someone locked in the basement who'll probably need water sooner or later.

Vladimir: Oh, is that the one you didn't want Bel to know -

Morgana: SHHH!!

Belthazor: ...you're screwing with me.

Vladimir: Err...

Belthazor: For now, I'm going to assume you're joking. We're going to sit down and have a nice lunch.

Morgana: <smiles>

Belthazor: Then when we get home I'm checking the garage and basement, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Katarina: <frowns>


Morgana: So, Pie!

<about three minutes later, the four are sitting in plastic lawn chairs in the back yard>

Belthazor: The garden's coming along nicely!

Vladimir: Oh yeah, I've always found plants interesting. I've been wondering if I could make them grow any better. I've been trying to expand my craft to see what else I can work with. It's had mixed effects, though.

Belthazor: How so?

Vladimir: Well, I keep trying to make them grow, but I keep splitting them open by mistake. New ground, I suppose. I'll get the hang of it eventually. I'm wondering how long it will take, though.

Morgana: I'm wondering when you'll shut up and eat my pie.

Katarina: Is there anything poisonous in the garden?

Vladimir: Yes.

Katarina: Where is it and what's it do?

Vladimir: Well -


<Morgana immediately places four pies on the table, which appear to be a combination of blackberry and blueberry cobbler pies with vanilla ice cream melting ontop of them>

Belthazor: That looks delicious.

Morgana: Of course it does, I made it.

Belthazor: Fair point.

Katarina: <pouting> It looks like you're supposed to use a spoon instead of something sharp...

Belthazor: You can always use a spork.

Katarina: That's not the same! You know I have a special knife for eating meat.

Belthazor: I know. You carry that thing with you everywhere, but there's no meat in this type of pie.

Morgana: Just try it, you liked the cake from last night well enough.

Katarina: Oh I have no doubt I'll like it, I just don't like using spoons when I can use something sharper instead.

Belthazor: You shoulda seen what she did the last time we went to a restraunt. Freaked out the waiter.

Katarina: I'm just used to stabbing things and taking bites off. I've seen you do it too.

Belthazor: Yes, but I only do that with corn or when all the forks are dirty.

Katarina: See!

Morgana: So, how do you like the pie?

Vladimir: mmphmphmhgm.

Morgana: Don't talk with your mouth full! <she hurls an energy ball past Vladimir's head>

Belthazor: One of these days you're going to hit him in the face if you keep doing that.

Morgana: Oh, that's alright. I hit him a couple times by mistake a while ago, found out he can survive it if I let him heal.

Vladimir: Define "mistake".

Morgana: 'not attempting to actually end your life'?

Katarina: <turning to Belthazor> That gives me an idea.

Belthazor: No.

<for the next while, the group passes the time trying out the different pies at Morgana's prodding, trading plates every so often. During all this, Katarina, at first pouting, starts playing with her food - seemingly amused enough that one of the pies is giving off a berry juice that looks like blood>

Belthazor: Mmm. Cobbler pie and ice cream. Delicious. Maybe not all that healthy though.

Morgana: I've been trying out ways to make it more healthy, I've considered adding in rare-cooked meat to it, Vlad liked that idea, and I've been trying mixing it with all sorts of other stuff.

Katarina: On the note of mixing stuff, Vlad! What kind of poisons are in your garden?

Vladimir: Well, I've been browsing through some of the poisonous plants on this world. There's actually a great many, more than I have. I've been trying to get more. Not just poisonous ones, though. Some of them just look nice too.

Katarina: But the ones you have, will any of them make good poisons?

Vladimir: I don't know. I havn't tried brewing anything yet, just growing the plants.

Katarina: Hmm, I wonder how many different poisons there are here. Bel, can you get me some?

Belthazor: I believe the key word here is "can", not "will".

Katarina: They're just poisons. It's not like I'd use them on you. Maybe on other people, but not you.

Morgana: Yeah, lighten up. Girls need to have fun.

Belthazor: "Fun"? My back still stings, by the way.

Morgana: Oh don't be such a baby! I'm much more rough with my Sunnymuffin.

Vladimir: I'm right here, you know.

Belthazor: I don't have any special healing abilities. I can't be a pincushion.

Katarina: Actually, I know what the human body's limits really are. I studied physiology quite extensively years ago, for my work... I know just how far I could push you, without doing anything permanent.

Vladimir: That, and I could probably heal you, even really severe injuries. It'd just hurt a lot.

Belthazor: Alright, fine. Since any magical arts are a rather recent discovery here, a lot of antivenin here is brewed from the actual poison. There's probably plenty of snake and spider antivenin at the hospital I can get. Would you like some of that to toy with?

Katarina: <grabbing onto Belthazor's arm> Yes!!

Belthazor: As long as you promise not to use it on me, anyone else here at this table, or any
of the neighbors.

Katarina: I'd never use it on you! Or anyone here, outside of matches. Well, I might use paralysis or sedative poisons on you. Depends on what kind of other effects it would have. And I guess I can agree to the neighbors... except that one guy with that really small dog that barks a lot.

Belthazor: ...Yeah I don't care about him.

Katarina: Oh? I must be corrupting you! Fun!

Morgana: Oh, how exciting! This calls for something special I've been wanting to try out.

<Morgana rushes off into the house>

Katarina: Maybe you'll like what I have tied up in the basement!

Belthazor: ...so you -actually- have someone tied up in our basement?

Katarina: weeeellll... how would you react, hypothetically, if I said yes?

Vladimir: Oh, here we go...

Belthazor: ...I really, really hope it was a burglar. Then I won't feel guilty.

Vladimir: ...and here I was expecting you to spazz out like last time.

Belthazor: No, I've accepted that my girlfriend is a psychopath and that I'm gradually losing my sanity.

Katarina: You flatter me.

Vladimir: Welcome to the dark side!

Morgana: We have cookies!

<Morgana presents a tray of cookies, which look like chocolate chip cookies that were covered
in fondue and then hardened>

Belthazor: Do I get a sith name?

<Katarina and Vladimir stare at him cluelessly>

Morgana: It's not going to be Darth Vader. You need all your limbs, apparently.

<Katarina and Vladimir stare at her cluelessly>

<Morgana and Belthazor glance at eachother, coming to the realization that the other two have not seen "star wars">

Morgana: Okay, we really need to do something about that.

Belthazor: I agree. You two need to see those movies. I'll bring them. We can watch all of them together.

Morgana: But not the prequels. I will not have the prequels in this house.

<Belthazor grabs one of the cookies from Morgana's tray and takes a large bite out of it>

Belthazor: Well yeah, that goes without saying.

Vladimir: Umm... what are you two talking about?

Morgana: We're going to have a movie night tonight.

Katarina: Well, they'd better be good if I'm going to postpone getting Bel to finally come
into the basement with me!

Morgana: Don't worry, they are.

<Belthazor grabs a second and third cookie, slowly munching on them>

Katarina: And I want one of those. <she grabs a cookie for herself, as does Vladimir>

Belthazor: We'll go get them. Come on Kat, may as well show me what you have in the basement
while we're home.

<Belthazor stands up and takes out his car keys>

Katarina: Okay snugglebunnyboobookittyfluffywumpyumpkins.

Belthazor: ...what?

Katarina: Well, if Morgana gets to have a name for Vladimir, I get to have one for you.

Belthazor: ...snugglebunny booboo kitty fluffy wumpy umpkins..?

Katarina: It's a work-in-progress. I could just call you "pincushion" if you don't like it.

<Belthazor rolls his eyes and tosses Katarina his car keys as they go to opposite sides of the

Katarina: What? Pincushion doesn't work?

<15 minutes later, Belthazor's volvo is pulling into his driveway>

Katarina: Okay, so maybe today's not the best time for me to give an example. But I behave well enough to keep you out of trouble. Mostly. And despite the fact that I hate some of your neighbors and think you'd be better off without them, I havn't killed them yet.

Belthazor: Do I want to ask what's in the black trash bags in the garage?

Katarina: Probably not. Still, I'm being nicer than I usually would be, considering that some of your neighbors are jerks - and I'm only doing it because you asked me not to kill them, though I don't know why you asked. Appreciate that!

Belthazor: That's true, I do appreciate that.

<Belthazor and Katarina exit the car>

Belthazor: So... I let you drive my car twice today.

Katarina: My driving's not -that- bad.

Belthazor: That's also true, you're a very good driver... when you're in a relatively docile mood and are not in the mood to exploit your diplomatic immunity.

Katarina: You say that like I do it frequently.

Belthazor: ...there's a man tied up in our basement.

Katarina: It's not my fault your world has a bunch of silly rules.

<Three minutes later>

Belthazor: Okay, I've got the original star wars trilogy. Basement before we go?

Katarina: Mmhmm! I'm happy you're finally coming around. You know, if you came to my family
estate for a while, you might not see this stuff as such a big deal.

Belthazor: Don't get your hopes up, I'm not going to do anything to him. I just want to make sure you didn't grab someone selling girlscout cookies. Just tell me it's a burglar or some sort of criminal and my conscience is clear.

<The two enter the basement, coming across a bound and gagged man>

Belthazor: ...Frank!?

Katarina: Oh, you've met? He's robbed you before? Well that's a relief! I thought I might have to pry for another few weeks to get you to finally torture someone with me. I have a special knife I've saved for just this occasion.

Belthazor: ...Frank...

<For what happens next, refer to the opening scene of this post, then go to page 8>

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Senior Member


Morgana is once again to kool I love the back and forth on the phone xD

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Belthazor: Women wear sexy outfits willingly. That's hardly a barganing chip.
Katarina: <frowns>

The underwhelming minority unfortunately. Or maybe I just know the wrong girls. Who knows.

Anyway, is great work comrade. Please continue.

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Senior Member


bump for new part!!!!!!!

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Nice work! i hope your back gets better/is better! btw what ever happened to Garen and Kayle?

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Senior Member


Nice work! i hope your back gets better/is better! btw what ever happened to Garen and Kayle?

They've been the hardest pair for me to write about. The couple I based them off of IRL started going through some stuff, so I've been trying to figure out what to do about that. They'll come back eventually once I figure out what I'm going to do.

My back and neck, I hurt them, but they'll be okay. The most pain is actually coming from my right arm. This most recent story... well... in real life, I do blood tests every three months. About 6 months ago, I met a nurse... and, she decided to have some fun with me when she found out I wasn't all that squeamish around needles... she's quite a sadist, as I found that out. I'll admit, I enjoy being a little rough with people too sometimes. Things kinda developed from there. She didn't really have many non-squeamish patients who didn't care all that much if she was "rough" so she has been taking the liberty to live that to it's fullest. My most recent visit with her under more "formal" circumstances was about four days before I wrote the most recent story.

I'll give one example that should phrase all my appointments that involve her rather neatly:

"Hold out your arm, I'm going to use a butterfly needle because it makes blood splatter a little bit if I take it out quickly."

...so, on that note, maybe it's a good time to petition for a "Nurse Katarina" skin, where she throws needles at people instead of a bouncing blade. Or maybe Bouncing needle / bouncing scalpel.