Shyvana's Path of Life

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Fateborn

Senior Member

04-28-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiestaware View Post
You are consistently mixing up your past and present tenses. I think you want to write in the present tense?
One of the only problem I have with my writing skills.
It's not a big deal.

For example, I want to describe thing in past tense, I end up getting present, and vice versa.
Plus I'm not good with word choices since I don't remember all words that I learned, even dictionary won't help.

I'll go make everything in present tense, and see how it's going.


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

04-28-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiestaware View Post
You are consistently mixing up your past and present tenses. I think you want to write in the present tense?
Excellent point, and very well said!


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Fateborn

Senior Member

04-30-2013

I'll have chapter five out by this evening.


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Fateborn

Senior Member

04-30-2013

AHHHH.
I lost my draft.
I hate my life.
I'll get the chapter 5 ready by tomorrow or Thursday.


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OuttaControl56

Senior Member

05-01-2013

Awwww, don't hate it.

I like it. The plot is fine and dandy and I like how you have things planned out. Something to follow!

What I would advise is a little less effort on your writing and more on the characters personalities. Try and let the character's attitude create the sentence. I'm pretty sure that Shyvana would have growled a bit more and would have been more cautious around a Noxian like Talon. Probably snorted and kept her guard up. So putting "Shyvana growled" after one of the sentences would have captured her a bit more. Same thing with Talon, and the rest of the crew.

Just some feedback :]


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Fateborn

Senior Member

05-01-2013

I'll try that, thanks!


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Fateborn

Senior Member

05-03-2013

Having writer block, forgotten most of the things I wrote when i lost the draft. It'll be a while for me to get things going. Sorry folks.


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BluFire56

Member

05-04-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiestaware View Post
You are consistently mixing up your past and present tenses. I think you want to write in the present tense?
True.


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Fateborn

Senior Member

05-04-2013

I lied.


Chapter 5 - New Home

In an eerie silence, I glance toward the empty pillar. Pale blue pillar, somehow seeming to be a spike emerging from the ground. It nearly fooled me, but I knows it is not a natural structure. The figure I saw from before must has something to do with it. The stranger must has a hand in saving me and Tryndamere, but the question is why. I'd almost forget about my escort, and I turns toward the fallen king. Still faint face down in the crimson colored pond of snow. He's definitely tough, to be able to survive a fatal wound like that. I paces toward him and kneels down to examine his condition. Fifteen frozen penetration wounds all around his body and arms, his clothing are ruined to the point of hanging rags, his crown, which is laying about six inches away from his head, is full of crack from the fall damage including the beautiful gem inserted in it. I fears the King has been dethroned.
The icing around the wounds save him from dying, but I knows they can not stay on the wounds for too long, or else the frostbites will consume his body. I make sures to pocket my gauntlets in my bag and ties it to my belt and reach down to grabs hold his sword and ties it against Tryndamere's back carefully, then I takes his arm and wrap it around my neck. I looks up for a safe place and I notices the blizzard is gone... When did it...?
After a long, tiresome, and painful experience of pulling the large man toward nowhere. I manages to spot a speck of brownness in the snowy land. A cave, I makes effort to bring my injuried ally over there. A blast of warm air brush against my face as we enters the dry cave. I drops him as gentle as I can on the cold rock floor. I wipes sweat off my forehead and thinks about what to do next. Tearing off the Barbarian King's tattered clothing, as they were soaked with bloods and will cause a far more painful death if left on for long, and starts a fire on them. I then looks at his wounds. Still frozen, of course, starting a fire won't melt it fast, I decides to take a dramatic action. I flex my hands and removes my wet armor revealing my half body undergarmnets, I lend down to whispers to Tryndamere, "Please ensure this." For a second, I thought I saw the king grinning at her. I wipes away the dusts in my eyes trying to clears my view, and possiblity of hallucation. I takes a deep breath, as I have never done this before.
I blows into my hands. Gently holding them against a frozen hole, I generates fire onto the hands.
Sizzle... The ice melts and his flesh begins to fuse together like scars.
The noise continues as a blood boiling scream fill the white night sky. After the exhausted work I had done, I rest my back against the wall in daze and carefully watchs Tryndamere's condition as I drifts off to sleep.

...

A hollowly silence as the morning ray hits the ice pillars around the region shining into the cave. I sits on the warm floor hugging my legs in sleeping state, and I open my eyes as the burnt clothing sweep against my face with the wind blowing. I peeks toward where Tryndamere is laying, he's gone. Too tiring from a sleepless night of closing Tryndamere's wounds I sighs with a worrisome voice. I then closes my eyes resting my bare head on my arms and legs in feral position.
"HEY! What are you doing sleeping around girl?!" A voice boomed throughout the cave.
Shook from the deep voice, it's familiar to me. I looks out the cave entrance. It's the shirtless man himself. In his right hand is his beloved great sword now bloody, on his opposite hand is a tail attached to something... I could not quite see the creature, but I could tell it's a large beast.
"Breakfast for two!" He said as he forcibly pulls the creature in the cave. It's a tiger, whole lot larger than both of them. I tries to examine his wounds, they seems to be heal from searing of the fleshes, still he should not push himself.But I knows that I can't survive in this wilderness as I am now. Tryndamere, as if he read my mind, "I'm teach ya how to survive in this harsh land."
I looks at him in awe. Will he truly teaches me how to survive? Tryndamere slices the tiger into pieces.
"I don't think you know this yet, but this is your new home now. Further down this cavern is a sealed room. Only those acknowledged by the True Ice Sensor can access it, and frankly, you can't get in yet as you are now." Tryndamere said as he waves the first tiger meat piece at me. So juicy and wet with rawness, I would drool if it wasn't for my ego.
"Do you mind terribly using your flame to cook them?" He added. Hell of a mood breaker there Tryndamere, I thought.


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Gym Leader Blue

Member

05-04-2013

Skimmed over, and as far as I got to interesting was Ashe putting her finger on Shyvana's lips.. mmmm..


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