Urgot in Love

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Fiestaware

Member

04-06-2013

This fanfic is loosely based on the popular film Shakespeare in Love, which won seven Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Actress (Gwyneth Paltrow) and Best Supporting Actress (Judi Dench).

Urgot In Love

Urgot sighed as he thought of his secret love. The way she gleamed in the morning sun, her angelic laugh, the electric tingle he felt whenever he brushed against her cool skin. He recalled vividly their first love affair, when she pulled him into the long grass with a loving embrace, and the two of them wrestled giggling under the moonlight. The two were to meet in a few minutes, and Urgot crawled hastily through the jungle, dropping bits of rotted flesh and puss along the way, drool dripping out of his mask, dreaming of her beautiful face. And there she was, standing right outside the long grass. His hearts beat rapidly in his chest, causing his sagging moobs to jiggle a little and the stitchings to come slightly undone. He blushed as he tightened the stitchings thinking, oh my god I hope she didn't see, I don't want her to think I'm that kind of rotting butcher zombie. With this act done, Urgot could hold it in no longer. He opened his arms in joy, accidentally releasing several North Korean ICBM's.

"Oh, Blitzcrank, I love you!" Urgot shouted, then in his excitement swapped their positions. Urgot looked on in horror as his tower smashed his precious Blitz to death. He cried silently into the night.


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

04-09-2013

From what I've read from your comments, you... perhaps do not know how to give constructive criticism (benefit of the doubt). Telling someone their work is "twenty kinds of terrible" is only an insult, and the author has no idea what they could do to improve the quality. There is nothing that they can gain from those words. It feels like cr.ap* to know that you made something less-than-stellar but don't know how to fix it. If you're going to take the time to tell them it sucks, why not take an extra moment to explain the whys? Contributing like that improves the quality of their writing and thus gives you something better to read! No one here is going to have a perfectly written novel for you (otherwise they'd publish it and make money instead of writing for *fun* and for free), so why not help everyone along? If you don't want to help, that's fine too, but there is no reason to be so rude. Not to bring ol' Thumper to the discussion, but if you really can't keep being a troll to yourself, don't say anything at all. Saves you the time, and saves the would-be recipient the headache (or heartache).

For an example of a constructive reply, here's one for the actual story in question here.

This is actually pretty amusing. Urgot being the subject of a story, no matter its length, is nice, and falling in love makes it double interesting. I smirked at the "I don't want her to think I'm that kind of rotting butcher zombie," though I'm not entirely sure he would refer to himself in that way, but it was for comedy, so *shrug*. Accidentally betraying his lover, who turned out to be Blitzcrank, got a small chuckle out of me. This was a fun concept.

I do, however, have a few things to point out. I am well aware that this was written for lolz and whatnot, but nonetheless... It's unfortunately short. You could have a field day with this scenario you have created here, but you limited it to twelve sentences. This is supposed to be a moderately disturbing concept (given how you've mentioned the rotting flesh and puss a few times), so why not extend the detail a bit? You don't have to go into their night under the moon (as the forum is supposed to remain PG-13 content), but you could definitely flush it out some. Or perhaps include a flashback to a fun date or their meeting/falling in love. The audience doesn't connect with the lovebirds long enough to feel the "pain" of Urgot's loss.
Similar to this tangent, perhaps we could understand ahead of time that when Urgot gets excited, he uses his ultimate accidentally. It can build anticipation the second time around when you mention he's so happy/excited when he sees Blitzcrank. As it stands, it's just... somewhat odd. Forced. I can't place my finger on it, but it feels like it was done just to do it.

I did not especially like the phrase "accidentally releasing several North Korean ICBM's." In this world, there is no Korea to have a North or South of. Yes, I realize you were making a silly point and made this for lolz, but I don't feel that it fit very well.

A small nit-pick (aside from the Korea part) was the reference to Blitzcrank as a "she" the entire while. While "he" is a more common pronoun, "it" can also be as acceptable. I know that you had to use "she" for the sake of the story, but it was super misleading (which was the point, I am well aware).

Strange, but interesting post you've made here, and thank you for sharing. Good luck on your next story.

*Since when is cr.ap a word to be censored but not damn or hell? Bizarre forums are bizarre...


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Eyowyn

Senior Member

04-09-2013

I also found the North Korean ICBMs comment to be more jarring than funny.

In addition, you mention him crawling through the jungle and then spotting Blitzcrank. At which point does he go back to his tower so he can switch positions?


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

04-09-2013

Ah, yes. I meant to mention the continuity error as well. Perhaps a sentence, maybe even as small as a phrase, to clear this up for us?


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Oventoasted

Senior Member

04-16-2013

I lol'd pretty hard. This forum could use more of these. It's kind of like a comic minus the pics. Could you do one for Cho'gath?