So... I rewrote Zac's intro lore

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Prometheus856

Senior Member

03-18-2013

Lousy writing bugs me, and even though Zac is probably going to be the first new champ I'll shell out cash for on release (or soon after), that doesn't change the fact that the guy who wrote the lore for him was not thinking when he was writing, and the editor for this stuff was asleep or in a faraway country or something. Because it's terrible. The whole thing - style, story, execution... it just is not good. I mean really, the one quote they have from him makes him sound like an idealistic 13 year old, and a lot of it sounds like it's WRITTEN by an idealistic 13 year old. So I'm rewriting him.

Please keep in mind that I'm not pretending to know everything about the character or LoL lore in general. I'm just saying that I think I can redo Zac's lore way better than what is currently listed.

Let me know what you think. Also, if you see any MASSIVE GLARING PLOTHOLES let me know immediately so I can fix them, because nothing bugs me more than MASSIVE GLARING PLOTHOLES. Doubly also, please note that I have edited for length. A lot. I cut about a third of the content off of it before posting.

Z.A.C.: The Zaun Amorphous Combatant.

Zac was a breakthrough in Zaun biological science, and a landmark in the field of Biotech. Initially a government funded project to develop a "smart armor" to give champions an edge on the battlefield, it quickly grew to be much, much more.

The original goal of the project that produced Zac was to create the ultimate armor for a soldier. It needed to be lightweight, cheap, flexible, durable and repairable. When the lead scientist assigned to the project (a bioengineer named Jacob Kraig) was first informed of these goals, his mind immediately jumped to the idea of biological armor. What better way to produce something than to have it reproduce itself? How better to identify tears in the armor than to have it feel them? And thus, the Biological Armor Prototype (BAP) was conceived.

The first BAP was developed only a few months after Jacob began his work, astounding his superiors and his colleagues. In those months, Jacob had built and developed a bacteria that was able to multiply at a prodigious rate and which excreted a green, gooey organic slime that had remarkable properties for endurance. The slime itself didn't conduct electricity, shed heat, was resistant to water, and could shield the bacteria encased within from extreme acidic, cooled or heated environments. The tests conducted on it included being dipped in hydrochloric acid and molten lava, with little negative result. Unfortunately, the experiment itself was a failure on two fronts. The slime wasn't able to be manipulated into armor or any sort of suit due to it's resilient properties, and more importantly, the bacteria multiplied at an extreme rate, never stopping.

This failure proved difficult to irradicate, and posed a biohazard for days on end. It slowly devoured it's containers and continued expanding, until it was eventually dissipated by using a magical weapon similar to (if slightly more potent than) those found in the fountain-structures of the League of Legends. The weapon proved extremely effective as it actually unmade the organic structures it came into contact with, rather than simply attempting to destroy them using chemical methods.

Still, despite the loss of his first lab (and the better part of a city block) to the failed prototype, Kraig was undeterred and began work on a second version of the BAC immediately. In his second prototype, he added a critical component to the bacteria - a hive mind. A microscopic intelligence was put into place for each bacteria, which, when it reached enough mass (about the size of a football) gave it the potential to learn. Unfortunately, after many more weeks of attempting to teach the expanding colony how to "be armor," Kraig considered this experiment a failure as well. He'd inadvertently created an intelligent being. The colony, after reaching roughly the size and weight of a child, had developed a sense of consciousness. It was able to communicate. It learned quickly. And although it stopped multiplying after a set point (a genetic failsafe had been set into the colony, stopping it from multiplying further after it reached the size of a human), it was too intelligent, and more importantly, not inanimate enough for Kraig's purposes. As such, it was discarded in a narrow-minded move by the doctor. The subject colony was sent to the sewers and told to stay there, until it was retrieved by the Zaun government, who shared no such problems with it once they learned of it's existence.

The subject was taken back in by the government itself, and placed under the care of a new patron, Dr. Taylor Helm. Helm's speciality was psychology, rather than bioengineering. The government wanted to continue Dr. Kraig's experiment, and spent time teaching the subject about language, art, mathematics, and music. While it had formerly been a dumb, simple-minded creature (having been taught nothing more than to obey it's master), it learned quickly and developed skills similar to that of a human's in a matter of weeks. Unfortunately, it's form had limits - it's size limited it's intelligence, and past a certain point it wasn't able to learn anything more without forgetting something already known, like a computer that had run out of memory. After this point was discovered, the Zaun government decided to shift it's focus from teaching it to what the bacteria had originally been intended for - combat. And thus, the subject was finally given a real name – The Z.A.C.

Zac was put into dozens of simulated combat scenarios that covered any possibility imaginable. From open desert warfare to arctic recon, it proved it's ingenuity again and again, manipulating it's shape in dozens of ways to suit it's environment. Unfortunately, while this happened, the universe conspired against Zaun. A laboratory fire destroyed Dr. Kraig's research after an experiment went awry, and an explosion from the fire killed the doctor as he tried to escape. Zac wasn't told about this, of course, but the Zaun government had been preparing to ask Kraig to manufacture more of the soldiers for their bidding, and instead they were left only with the one remaining subject. So, taken out of the scenarios and back into a lab, Zac was tested on in every way imaginable. Zaun's scientists spent weeks attempting to replicate Dr. Kraig's achievements, but it was difficult to attempt without the man himself.

The experiments the Zaun scientists conducted on Zac were... unpleasant for it, to say the least. Every sample they took, no matter how small, was a piece of Zac's intelligence. When a section of the body was spooned away, a memory disappeared, or a math equation, or a poem. As the experiments continued with little headway, Zac found itself in a crisis as it's consciousness began slipping away, replaced by new, blankly replicated cells.

Desperate for it's own survival, Zac slipped away a few weeks after Zaun had begun experimenting on it. It made it's way to the League of Legends shortly thereafter, joining immediately as an attempt to preserve itself and hide from it's captors and tormentors.


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OriginalA

Senior Member

03-18-2013

You say you edited it for length... you still have a word count exceeding barely 1000 words. You need to cut this down by about half at least. All of the other Champion Bios, including Zac's current bio, are fewer than 500 words.


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Wertilq

Senior Member

03-19-2013

Avoid use of (it's uninteresting and you've made a mistake if they are needed). TMA, Too Many Acronyms. Not overly exciting, bit too much about the research and what was done in the research.

Lots of words, little information. I don't like current Z.A.C. bio, but yours wasn't better at all.


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Prometheus856

Senior Member

03-19-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by OriginalA View Post
You say you edited it for length... you still have a word count exceeding barely 1000 words. You need to cut this down by about half at least. All of the other Champion Bios, including Zac's current bio, are fewer than 500 words.
Point taken. I'll get to work on slimming it down some more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wertilq View Post
Avoid use of (it's uninteresting and you've made a mistake if they are needed). TMA, Too Many Acronyms. Not overly exciting, bit too much about the research and what was done in the research.

Lots of words, little information. I don't like current Z.A.C. bio, but yours wasn't better at all.
I'm not sure what is meant by the acronyms. There are a lot of them, yeah, but the problem is that his name's an acronym. I'm not sure what to do about that.

Unfortunately, in my preliminary edits, I ended up taking out a lot of the latter half, including most of what was about the character. I'll see if I can't fix it, thought. Thanks for pointing it out.


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Subalternate01

Senior Member

03-19-2013

nice try


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DrTemptragon

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Senior Member

03-20-2013

See, here's the thing. League's Lore isn't grimdark. Are some of the champions super-serious? Yes. Are some of them melencholy or mourning their loss? Yes. Are some of them crazed nutcases bent on destroying the world? Yes.

But for every one of those, there's a Ziggs, a Heimer, a Jayce. Someone so over the top and funny that it lifts the tone. Is it always done well? No (I detest Jayce, for example). Is it important? Yes.

Zac is one of those champions. When you see "idealistic 13 year-old", I see a deliberate and planned throwback to the Silver Age of Comics. I read and love some of the darkest works of fiction. Where the universe is so bleak and malignant, the mortality rate so high, that it seems a miracle that anyone gets out.

But League isn't like that and I don't want it to be. Serious has a place; a blob-man whose ult bounces him around like a balloon isn't it.

On the flip-side, this is reasonably well-written. As someone noted above, it's very, very long for champion Lore and there's too much history and not enough about the champion themselves. League Lore is moving towards a "champions defining moment" paradigm and while I... don't fully agree with that, you'd have to match that style to gain any attention.

Oh, and I'd also like to say, accusing your opponents of being 13 years old negatively impacts your credibility. Objections to tone and style are justified (though you didn't note any), name calling is not.