Teemoapocalypse 2012 Part 2

Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Painkillar

Senior Member

12-10-2012

Day 1 and 2 listed here http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/...eemoapocalypse

Day 3: A Tale of Two Cleavers....and Two More...and Two More


It was the best of patches; it was the worst of patches.

It's already been two days of this hellish war, the Blackfire Rebellion nearly all but wiped out all our tanky derps. The few that remain are glued to the corner of a room in the basement, stacking Tears and clicking on potions to keep their shattered minds at ease.

It truly is a horrifying sight, seeing the most elite of all of the melee spamming community be reduced to such a degree that the atmosphere would make Amumu seem as happy as Lux and Lulu doing a /laugh spamming duet.

"What are Teemo's movements," I asked the Nurse in the now ravaged ruins of Doctor Taric's Clinic.

Why ask a nurse about troop movement? A sensible person might ask. Simple, the nurse always knows everything about anything in just about all the games and movies ever made. If you ask the tactical advisor, he'll just say something like "kings honor friend," or "I heard the princess really likes knight A, but is being forced to marry prince B." Completely useless.

"**** you," she replied to my query.

I drank an oracle and smacked a ruler upside her head.

After an intense fifteen minutes of initiating ruler diplomacy, she told me everything that transpired over the night, but the writer is too lazy to explain it, so I decided to see what new development was happening with the Teemo since the new patch went live.

It was a gruesome sight to behold; abandoned Frozen Hearts and Omens littered the landscape. Corpses of the early vanguard of armor stacking horrors that unknowingly went into the Blackfire War blindly clad in Thornmail and comfortably equipped with Ninja Tabi's, lay lifeless on the scar.

To make matters worse the medical bay had just run out of their supply of Force of Natures, and Odyn's Veils are as useful Garen drinking a mana pot.

There was nothing pleasant about what I witnessed; the Crystal Scar was haunted by ghosts of the fallen bruisers instalockers and summoners who dove 1v4 on the enemy turrets. It was enough to make me slightly queasy, like the sight of a Rammus taunting a minion. Was there no salvation for the scar? Are we doomed to be slaves to Teemo and his cursed Blackfire Torch...?

"Mistress," a shady looking Pirate Captain Ninja Slaying Vampire Samurai with Half the Blood of a Warwick from Riot R&D interrupted. “We have devised a way to slay the Teemo. Our division has developed a new item that will once again give supremacy to bruiser abusers and put the "win" back in Win Zhao."

I stood in place stupefied by the sudden turn of events. You know? It's always convenient how things work out like this. When there's a problem, a shady man will have the answer. The person writing this story should be ashamed of the morals he's setting and how lazy he is when he fills the plot with such a lethargic solution, if there was a plot to begin with. And what happened to my accent? Is he that lazy that he can't incorporate it in the third part...? I digress...

"I'll take the item. Give it to me." I demanded, not wanting to hear him rant about how he obtained the item by walking 50 miles in a Nunu ult, up Malphite both ways, while being chased by Sejuani, and fighting Shyvana's Mom; and how when he was a young lad back in the good ol' days: Irelia's nerfed themselves and Pricillas Blessing was still being sold in stores.

"Chillax brosef," he smugly retorted like a Yordle potty-training. "I don't have the item. You must venture with the Holy Olaf, Veigar Greybeard, and a hologram of Tu Noc and Ziggy Lawls into the lane until you've acquired enough gold to pay me to tell you where it is..."

I pulled my ruler out to paint his eye black...

...then, the unspeakable happened...the shady man lay on the ground, a shield was embedded in his face...the culprit: a man...a truly majestic man who's only raiment was helmet and a speedo...garnered with six weapons stacked together as if boots and other items didn't matter to him...the mysterious weapons are in the shape of cleavers with the same familiar demonic radiance as the devils torch...

"I have the weapon you're looking for. My name....is Hemantheon. AND TONIGHT! WE DINE ON FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111"
Attachment 573371 <----Hemantheon with Six-Cleaver Abs


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Damieh

Senior Member

12-11-2012

Quote:
Give it to me. I demanded, not wanting to hear him rant about how he obtained the item by walking 50 miles in a Nunu ult

GENIUS hahahahaha. Made me laugh out loud at work. That sentence should end right there!!


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Volandum

Senior Member

12-11-2012

Isn't Jarvan III the king of Demacia?


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

willoc

Junior Member

12-11-2012

Needs more romance!


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Redenbacher

Senior Member

12-11-2012

I demand an image of Hemantheon, as described. I suck at drawing - but seriously, I want an artists' rendition.

I would also like to see an edit, and then some more story to follow...:
"...the mysterious weapons are in the shape of battle axes with the same familiar demonic radiance as the devils torch..."

"I have the weapon you're looking for. My name....is Hemantheon. AND TONIGHT! WE DINE ON KAYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111"

He hurled the weapon to the ground at my feet, it's handle pointed to him as the blade lodged in the ground. "Take hold of The Black Cleaver!" shouted Hemantheon, thrusting his glistening chest to the sky.

"...but this is a battle axe," I replied, with trepidation.

"Battle axe? This... IS... THE BLACK CLEAVER!" He swung his stack of axe... cleavers... whatever... at my throat, stopping at the skin. "DO YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME?!"

"No... fine... it's a Cleaver. Don't you have something important to kill?"

"Hmmm... perhaps."

And with that, he leaped into the air, disappearing from sight.

(I expect the story to continue with someone mass producing black cleavers, and Teemo getting away as everyone battles over having the most cleavage.)

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a creative writer... expecting laughter and finger pointing at my expense...


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

willoc

Junior Member

12-11-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redenbacher View Post
I demand an image of Hemantheon, as described. I suck at drawing - but seriously, I want an artists' rendition.

I would also like to see an edit, and then some more story to follow...:
"...the mysterious weapons are in the shape of battle axes with the same familiar demonic radiance as the devils torch..."

"I have the weapon you're looking for. My name....is Hemantheon. AND TONIGHT! WE DINE ON KAYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111"

He hurled the weapon to the ground at my feet, it's handle pointed to him as the blade lodged in the ground. "Take hold of The Black Cleaver!" shouted Hemantheon, thrusting his glistening chest to the sky.

"...but this is a battle axe," I replied, with trepidation.

"Battle axe? This... IS... THE BLACK CLEAVER!" He swung his stack of axe... cleavers... whatever... at my throat, stopping at the skin. "DO YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME?!"

"No... fine... it's a Cleaver. Don't you have something important to kill?"

"Hmmm... perhaps."

And with that, he leaped into the air, disappearing from sight.

(I expect the story to continue with someone mass producing black cleavers, and Teemo getting away as everyone battles over having the most cleavage.)

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a creative writer... expecting laughter and finger pointing at my expense...
Only problem here is that nobody wants to give away Cleavers. They are better stacked!


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Painkillar

Senior Member

12-12-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redenbacher View Post
I demand an image of Hemantheon, as described. I suck at drawing - but seriously, I want an artists' rendition.

I would also like to see an edit, and then some more story to follow...:
"...the mysterious weapons are in the shape of battle axes with the same familiar demonic radiance as the devils torch..."

"I have the weapon you're looking for. My name....is Hemantheon. AND TONIGHT! WE DINE ON KAYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111"

He hurled the weapon to the ground at my feet, it's handle pointed to him as the blade lodged in the ground. "Take hold of The Black Cleaver!" shouted Hemantheon, thrusting his glistening chest to the sky.

"...but this is a battle axe," I replied, with trepidation.

"Battle axe? This... IS... THE BLACK CLEAVER!" He swung his stack of axe... cleavers... whatever... at my throat, stopping at the skin. "DO YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME?!"

"No... fine... it's a Cleaver. Don't you have something important to kill?"

"Hmmm... perhaps."

And with that, he leaped into the air, disappearing from sight.

(I expect the story to continue with someone mass producing black cleavers, and Teemo getting away as everyone battles over having the most cleavage.)

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a creative writer... expecting laughter and finger pointing at my expense...
Artist rendition complete! Turns out to be an artist, one only needs paint and the ability to ctrl c ctrl v.
It was supposed to say "fail," but ambian + pancakes made it into "kayle." I have to make a threshold of how long these are, else i will literally take up 5 pages. maybe i'll add some more mantheon on day 4.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Painkillar

Senior Member

12-12-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volandum View Post
Isn't Jarvan III the king of Demacia?
A poisonous mushroom ate him.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Redenbacher

Senior Member

12-12-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Painkillar View Post
Artist rendition complete! Turns out to be an artist, one only needs paint and the ability to ctrl c ctrl v.
It was supposed to say "fail," but ambian + pancakes made it into "kayle." I have to make a threshold of how long these are, else i will literally take up 5 pages. maybe i'll add some more mantheon on day 4.
That's funny, but... seriously. I want someone well versed in drawing to draw pantheon holding a stack of 2-3 cleavers, with 2 more cleavers on his back, a shield made of cleavers, and no boots.

Nice try nonetheless, lol

Maybe I'll do the unspeakable and make the request in GD... I don't know if we have any talented artists in the Dominion community