Once Bitten, Twice Shy

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W4ddleBuff

Senior Member

11-20-2012

Hullo there. This is a story about Taric and Ahri, a tragic romance taking place during the Time of Snowdown. Prepare your feels for heartbreak and tears.

Summary: It all started with a drink. Coldness embraced both of them, two people alone in a crowded room. Everyone around had someone else to lean on, someone to enjoy the Snowdown season with. Then they found each other, only to have a heart broken, the other heart completely changed. Now, one year later, are things still the same? Or have things changed for the better? Or for the worse?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8719253/...tten-Twice-Shy

Be sure to reply and review!

Excelsior!


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Mr Ratz

Senior Member

11-26-2012

Hi. I am surprised no one commented yet. So well, I feel like giving you a very detailed review . First I feel like you should know about me first, so you can have some insight of where my opinions are coming from.

I am ratz, and I am really just a reader. I wish I could write, but I lack the skills and more importantly I lack the drive to keep writing to improve. But I do love reading and I read a good deal of everything. I used to think that fanfics weren't good literature, but this forum has changed my mind drastically. As a LoL player I have been very interested in the lore. Its a rich and intriguing world they have created. I main support (taric is a boss), and just recently picked up ahri, so this drew my attention. So now to the review


######## ATTENTION, THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS EXPLICIT SPOILERS ########


I liked it. It was a good read so far. Ahri seems just as seductive if not more than I expected. And I love the depth you have given Taric. He is often ignored, but I like how you have made him manly while still a bit feminine. That's important for his character. That's Taric, Mr. Fabulous and truly outrageous, but still a foreign badass. Ahri's character also has a lot of depth, although it's much more cliche than Taric. I don't mean this as a bad thing, what I mean is that because Ahri's champ is what she is, her character in a story is a bit more predictable, while Taric is more flexible. But I do really like how you portray them.

You have a good sense of how to describe your scenes to a reader. Trust me, the image of Ahri sitting at a bar still, legs crossed with one hand over her tigh while her elbow is on the counter holding her head is forced imprinted on my mind. And its sexy and shows her complete control of the situation. And as you can see you describe it a heck of a lot better than I did. And its like this for most scenes, but not all. A few of then I felt were a little less smooth. All the details were there, but I couldn't just let my mind flow making my mental movie of what's going on (yeah, that's how I read), I actually had to focus on the words and what was going on as to not get lost.

I am not a big fan of the fate and cold. I understand you are using them as a mechanic to pace the story. Not sure if they are observers or narrators or a bit of both. I don't like because them because the cold as a feminine character can be confusing as you are describing her (cold) and her (Ahri) close together. Also and most importantly these take away from the story and the characters. These "mystical" beings are the magic of our world and some of the magic of Runetera. In a way, it is what allows us to relate. But it's important for then to be invisible, subtle. For example: i feel like it would have been better to have Ahri make the decision to continue with her seduction scheme, without the clear "fate whispered". Maybe she was torn between her feelings, but she felt a certain drive, a tug in her conscience one way or another. That's a little more subtle for fate. Or maybe it was a conscious decision, in which you could have exposed her thought process and allowed me the reader, to further know/understand/love/hate Ahri.

I understand its a romance, and almost an erotica. And you did great with your s*x scene description. It wasn't overly excessive or overly explicit. And that I really appreciate. Its fun sometimes reading silliness, but I feel like it takes away from the story. It makes it more of a joke for amusement than a story to fall in love with its characters. With that in mind, I bring you to the part where Taric missed his handshake. It was a little funny and it granted a chuckle, but I felt like that was a bit excessive. He is clumsy and nervous as hell. And hey, we all been there. Frig, as gamers I believe we have been there hard, very very nervous around girls (yes, I am stereotyping... Its faster). But I don't believe this has ever happened to anyone. Yeah, I have spilled drinks and acted like a fool. But common, missing a handshake like that? like I said, I just feel that explicitly sexual acts like that detract from the story. Ahri teasing Taric with her tail? Awesome (almost borderline, but you made it work) cause I felt that anyone who has been teased can relate. But just shoving his hand down her cleavage? Felt wrong. I guess it just felt a little immature, and heck, you proved that wrong with the s*x scene ( which was written in a much more mature style).

Overall it was a good read, hence I am here giving you this detailed feedback of what my opinions were. Yes, these are just my opinions and nothing more . I hope you find the drive see this one until the end (please don't abandon it) and I am looking forward for updates.

Cheers,

Mr Ratz

PS: I am posting this from my phone, so I will most likely edit it once I get to a real Computer.
Edited it a bit.


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W4ddleBuff

Senior Member

11-27-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Ratz View Post
Hi. I am surprised no one commented yet. So well, I feel like giving you a very detailed review . First I feel like you should know about me first, so you can have some insight of where my opinions are coming from.

I am ratz, and I am really just a reader. I wish I could write, but I lack the skills and more importantly I lack the drive to keep writing to improve. But I do love reading and I read a good deal of everything. I used to think that fanfics weren't good literature, but this forum has changed my mind drastically. As a LoL player I have been very interested in the lore. Its a rich and intriguing world they have created. I main support (taric is a boss), and just recently picked up ahri, so this drew my attention. So now to the review


######## ATTENTION, THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS EXPLICIT SPOILERS ########


I liked it. It was a good read so far. Ahri seems just as seductive if not more than I expected. And I love the depth you have given Taric. He is often ignored, but I like how you have made him manly while still a bit feminine. That's important for his character. That's Taric, Mr. Fabulous and truly outrageous, but still a foreign badass. Ahri's character also has a lot of depth, although it's much more cliche than Taric. I don't mean this as a bad thing, what I mean is that because Ahri's champ is what she is, her character in a story is a bit more predictable, while Taric is more flexible. But I do really like how you portray them.

You have a good sense of how to describe your scenes to a reader. Trust me, the image of Ahri sitting at a bar still, legs crossed with one hand over her tigh while her elbow is on the counter holding her head is forced imprinted on my mind. And its sexy and shows her complete control of the situation. And as you can see you describe it a heck of a lot better than I did. And its like this for most scenes, but not all. A few of then I felt were a little less smooth. All the details were there, but I couldn't just let my mind flow making my mental movie of what's going on (yeah, that's how I read), I actually had to focus on the words and what was going on as to not get lost.

I am not a big fan of the fate and cold. I understand you are using them as a mechanic to pace the story. Not sure if they are observers or narrators or a bit of both. I don't like because them because the cold as a feminine character can be confusing as you are describing her (cold) and her (Ahri) close together. Also and most importantly these take away from the story and the characters. These "mystical" beings are the magic of our world and some of the magic of Runetera. In a way, it is what allows us to relate. But it's important for then to be invisible, subtle. For example: i feel like it would have been better to have Ahri make the decision to continue with her seduction scheme, without the clear "fate whispered". Maybe she was torn between her feelings, but she felt a certain drive, a tug in her conscience one way or another. That's a little more subtle for fate. Or maybe it was a conscious decision, in which you could have exposed her thought process and allowed me the reader, to further know/understand/love/hate Ahri.

I understand its a romance, and almost an erotica. And you did great with your s*x scene description. It wasn't overly excessive or overly explicit. And that I really appreciate. Its fun sometimes reading silliness, but I feel like it takes away from the story. It makes it more of a joke for amusement than a story to fall in love with its characters. With that in mind, I bring you to the part where Taric missed his handshake. It was a little funny and it granted a chuckle, but I felt like that was a bit excessive. He is clumsy and nervous as hell. And hey, we all been there. Frig, as gamers I believe we have been there hard, very very nervous around girls (yes, I am stereotyping... Its faster). But I don't believe this has ever happened to anyone. Yeah, I have spilled drinks and acted like a fool. But common, missing a handshake like that? like I said, I just feel that explicitly sexual acts like that detract from the story. Ahri teasing Taric with her tail? Awesome (almost borderline, but you made it work) cause I felt that anyone who has been teased can relate. But just shoving his hand down her cleavage? Felt wrong. I guess it just felt a little immature, and heck, you proved that wrong with the s*x scene ( which was written in a much more mature style).

Overall it was a good read, hence I am here giving you this detailed feedback of what my opinions were. Yes, these are just my opinions and nothing more . I hope you find the drive see this one until the end (please don't abandon it) and I am looking forward for updates.

Cheers,

Mr Ratz

PS: I am posting this from my phone, so I will most likely edit it once I get to a real Computer.
Edited it a bit.
^^ I really do appreciate your opinion. Anything helps me improve.

Well for starters, let's acknowledge the cleavage scene.

Haha, sorry if it seemed a bit immature. I just think if he was so nervous as to actually shove his hand into her breasts it would express just how...weird he's feeling around Ahri. It'll also make things more awkward and thus make the "action" progress faster.

As for the cold and fate, I really did not intend them to be very driving in the story. Fate whispering to Ahri is just a metaphorical illustration of the human nature suddenly twisting around to do something that we really shouldn't do. I also really wanted to express the ideal that futures are set in stone, and also reference yet another Christmas song.

"Through the years, we'll always be together; if the fates allow."

Once again I apologize, for I do not intend to remove fate or the cold from the story. But from your review, I will definitely decrease fate's interference. The cold will from now on just be the only entity interfering with this romance, since fate has already set everything into motion.

Thank you again for your reply, and I'm so grateful for your support.

Have a holly jolly Snowdown!

Excelsior!