Diablo 3's story in a nutshell

Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

BEST RIMMER NA

Member

11-16-2012

VILLAGERS: OMG THE UNDEAD ARE RISING
LEAH: ITS JUST UNCLE DECKARDS CRAZY STORIES
*VILLAGER GETS HEAD EATEN OFF
LEAH: AGAIN, JUST STORIES, I ASSURE YOU
*NAKED OUT OF PLACE WITCH DOCTOR SHOWS UP
LEAH: I TOTALLY TRUST YOU COMPLETELY, LETS GO FIND UNCLE DECKARD
LEAH: LOOK THERE HE IS, FELL DOWN 100 FEET OR SO BUT HES FINE
*EVERYONE GOES BACK TO TOWN
DECKARD CAIN: RANDOM WITCH DOCTOR, GO KILL THE SKELETON KING, HE RESURRECTED JUST BECAUSE THIS ENTIRE ACT IS A DIABLO 1997 REFERENCE
WITCH DOCTOR: K
*WITCH DOCTOR KILLS SKELETON KING AND FINDS A NAKED BLACK MAN
WITCH DOCTOR: YO DECKARD, I FOUND THIS NAKED BLACK DUDE
DECKARD CAIN: K GO FIND HIS SWORD PIECES
WITCH DOCTOR: Y????
DECKARD CAIN: DUNNO LMAO, JUST A GUESS
*MAGDA SHOWS UP
MAGDA: I COME FROM WORLD OF WARCRAFT TO DESTROY U
WITCH DOCTOR: K LMAO ALREADY GOT THE SWORD PIECES
MAGDA: DAMN!!!!! ILL JUST GO STEAL THAT NAKED BLACK DUDE AND PROLONG THIS ACT FOR NO REASON
*SHOOTS FIRE AT CAIN, STEALS BLACK MAN
LEAH: STORIES KILLED MY UNCLE!!!!!!!!!
WITCH DOCTOR: PRETTY SURE MAGDA DID, NUB
*WITCH DOCTOR RUNS TO SAVE BLACK MAN
WITCH DOCTOR: OMG THE BUTCHER, ANOTHER POINTLESS RESURRECTION OF A 1997 DIABLO CHARACTER WITH NO EXPLANATION
BUTCHER: AH FRESH MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!
*BUTCHER DIES, BLACK MAN SAVED
TYRAEL: YO HERE I AM FOOL
WITCH DOCTOR: WHY U BLACK NOW DOG?
TYRAEL: TOKEN BLACK ANGEL LMAOOOOO

*GOES TO ACT 2

VILLAGERS: OMG THE PRINCE SENT ALL THE GUARDS AWAY
WITCH DOCTOR: HE MUST BE BELIAL IN DISGUISE
LEAH: NO, NO WAY, LET'S GO ON A POINTLESS QUEST TO DO A BUNCH OF **** DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
ADRIA: HEY DAUGHTER SUP
LEAH: OH HEY MOMS, JUST MORE STORIES TEEHEE
ADRIA: WE MUST GET THE BLACK SOULSTONE USING THIS OLD HORADRIM DUDE THAT CREATED IT
WITCH DOCTOR: K
WITCH DOCTOR: WE GONNA RES U, ZOLTAN, U BETTER NOT BETRAY US
ZOLTAN: NAW I WON'T DAWG
*ZOLTAN REVIVIVES AND FINISHES THE SOULSTONE
ZOLTAN: THAR SEE, I DIDN'T BETRAY. WAIT THERE'S DEMONS IN MAH STONE, LOL THAT ADRIA WOMAN IS TOTALLY EVIL AND U SHOULDN'T TRUST HER
WITCH DOCTOR: SHUT YOUR ***** MOUTH I KILL U ANYWAY!
*ZOLTAN KILLED
WITCH DOCTOR: Y ARE THERE DEMONS IN THE STONE? U EVIL, GURL?
ADRIA: IT WAS MY PLAN ALL ALONG NOT EVIL MOVE ALONG
BELIAL: I AM THE WORST LIAR EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
WITCH DOCTOR: WE KNOW
*CAPTURES SOUL

*GOES TO ACT 3

AZMODAN: YO DAWG, ATTACKING UR RAMPARTS
WITCH DOCTOR: THANKS FOR THE LEAD BRO
AZMODAN: HEY NP DAWG, ATTACKING UNDERNEATH NOW
WITCH DOCTOR: HEY DUDE THANKS AGAIN, COULDNT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT U
AZMODAN: ANYTIME, HEY COME TO MY PLACE SO WE CAN SMOKE SOME BLOW
*WITCH DOCTOR GOES TO THE HEART OF SIN
WITCH DOCTOR: YO I BROUGHT THE WEED
AZMODAN: SWEET DAWG, BEING A WARLORD IS TOUGH
WITCH DOCTOR: JK LMAO, GOT UR SOUL
*GOES BACK TO BASE
WITCH DOCTOR: OMG LEAH IS THE PRIIIIIIME EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!
ADRIA: YEA PLANNED THIS 20 YEARS AGO DOG
WITCH DOCTOR: BUT, AGAIN, HOW DID U GET ALL THE SOULS IN HERE IF YOU JUST NOW GOT THE BLACK SOULSTONE?
ADRIA: CHRIST METZEN
WITCH DOCTOR: GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!

*GOES TO ACT 4

DIABLO: WELCOME TO MY REALM OF TEAR-OR!!!!!!!!! I AM THE PRIME EEEEVILLLLL
WITCH DOCTOR: WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE A COMBINATION OF ALL THE EVILS THEN???
DIABLO: I DUNNO... ASK CHRIS METZEN
WITCH DOCTOR: K
DIABLO: CAN YOU TELL I'M A GIRL THIS GAME??? I CAN'T STOP TALKINGGGGGGG
DIABLO: LOOK TYRAEL, UR OWN LIEUTENANT
TYRAEL: WAIT, HOW DID IZUAL COME BACK?
DIABLO: CHRIS METZEN MADE IT HAPPENNNNNNNNNN
IZUAL: I AM BACK FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASONNNNNNN
*IZUAL DIES
DIABLO: HE WAS USELESS ANYWAY, COEM KILL MEEEEE
*WITCH DOCTOR ENTERS REALM OF TERROR
DIABLO: WELCOME TO MY REALM OF TEAR-ORRRRRR, NO ONE HAS EVER ESCAPED
*DIABLO DIES
TYRAEL: WE DID IT BOYS... ANGELS.... AND MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
[9:38:47 PM] Baroness Kieote Pistor: I AM THE WORST LIAR EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

8 Bit Astronaut

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

The story for D3 was extremely lame, not to mention the horrendous dialogue.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Hawkhell

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

That game sucked all the balls. I was waiting for this game for 8 years and paid 60 bucks for a turd sandwich.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Omniance

Senior Member

11-16-2012

I remember this from the D3 forums quite a few months ago...


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

TheWaveWizard

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

D3 was such a letdown...


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Vamp13

Member

11-16-2012

this is older than the stegasaurus.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

YattaRX8

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkhell View Post
That game sucked all the balls. I was waiting for this game for 8 years and paid 60 bucks for a turd sandwich.
^


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

MasterfulWizard

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

I was really hoping Diablo III would be a sequel to Diablo II. But, nope, false advertising prevailed.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Jamaree

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-16-2012

LUCKILY, I was able to scam 60 bucks off someone on ebay because I included the 3 free keys that came with it...heh heh, suckers.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Karsuman

Senior Member

11-16-2012

Yeah. I had a rant on this that I dug up:

All the bad guys behave like 80's-90's Saturday morning cartoon villains. They are entirely content explaining all of their plans to the player. They talk a lot of !@#$, but they become a non-threat due to their constant presence - our over-exposure to them and their bad dialogue makes them a joke by the time we are in front of them. Their dialogue is for the extremely cheesy and occasionally outright comical - for example, Maghda exclaiming "He would never betray me," about Belial, the lord of lies, Azmodan's constant blabbering and overconfidence in the face of numerous defeats (despite being a master strategist) and Diablo's classic, "Look, Tyrael, it's your old lieutenant."

The game reuses old villains from previous games like the Butcher, Leoric and Izual in spite of all their stories having 'ended' - I suspect this is in part because the developers wanted to make more references to the previous game, when it probably would have been more effective to make an entirely new story so as to avoid so many comparisons to its predecessors. Izual in particular is really bad because he redeems himself after he dies in D2.

All the main characters - Tyrael, Leah, the player character - are morons. In spite of seeing all the obvious warning signs, including Kulle's warnings, Adria's diary and the deterioration of Leah, our character waits until Leah dies to solve the problem when it could have been entirely avoided with an ounce of common sense.

Various scenes throughout the game have serious narrative problems. The death of Cain wasn't tragic, it was hilarious - instead of a lord of hell finally finishing him off, it's a Rita Rapulsa expy with fairy wings. We fight Kulle for little reason at all in spite of having better reasoning for joining him than staying with the nitwits that are Leah and Tyrael, and an obvious traitor. Tyrael does pretty much nothing but open a few large doors, and then claims the title of 'Wisdom' in the ending credits when his actions throughout the game completely go against him deserving the title. In the end, the most likable character in the game ends up being a follower NPC.