The Only Truth (Garen/Katarina)

Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

kittytoast

Senior Member

11-11-2012

+1's for replies. I just wanted to update really quick. I forgot I have two major papers due this week that I obviously forgot about...so chapter 11 won't be coming out faster than normal. but expect it by friday/saturday. Sorry everyone


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

AerithRayne

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

11-12-2012

Kick those papers' asses. They deserve it!


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Frost Archer

Senior Member

11-12-2012

Hey, Kitty toast. I guess I was not really clear on my earlier post. The kiss scenes are ok, but not quite "rated T". Anyway, the word I was looking for last time was "deus ex machina". I think you put that a bit too much. Every time they are in danger, you find a method to get them out. I understand that this is a love/mystery story, but you kind of make it a bit cheesy, and the quality kind of falls when you make quotes relating to s*x, such as "the tent in Garen's pants". You do have to consider that these are soldiers. Their personalities are not quite the same as you and I. You make great references, and you do really well in terms of story writing, but I wish you added a bit of everything (not everything should be lovy dovy).

I hope you don't get upset with my comments. You DID ask for feedback and it is in my best interest to help you. However, I do have my own preferences, so you'll have to exuse me if I prefer the darker tones of life

P.s. If you are not going to use it, may I use the part about Garen breaking down? And also use the Noxian Charm bit? It has a really nice touch. I'll give you credit for it and everything.

P.s.s. I really like that part where Garen barges in on Jarvan and Shyvanna. You gave me a good laugh.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

kittytoast

Senior Member

11-12-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrostArcher024 View Post
Ha ha. It is actually pretty amusing. You captured the characteristics of the champions relatively well, but I do think you made Garen a bit too soft. Though I do like how you made it like Kat is playing with his feelings. Good Job!
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrostArcher024 View Post
Hey, Kitty toast. Good story and all, but you do make it unrealistic when you make them kiss. I mean, the second chapter would have ended great it he SPOILER ALERT said "why are you in my head" and just broke down. I mean, the kiss was unnecessary. Then Kat can feel touched and all that mushy stuff. Also, the stuff about the league is a bit too ... surreal. Like divine intervention. But good job so far!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrostArcher024 View Post
Hey, Kitty toast. I guess I was not really clear on my earlier post. The kiss scenes are ok, but not quite "rated T". Anyway, the word I was looking for last time was "deus ex machina". I think you put that a bit too much. Every time they are in danger, you find a method to get them out. I understand that this is a love/mystery story, but you kind of make it a bit cheesy, and the quality kind of falls when you make quotes relating to s*x, such as "the tent in Garen's pants". You do have to consider that these are soldiers. Their personalities are not quite the same as you and I. You make great references, and you do really well in terms of story writing, but I wish you added a bit of everything (not everything should be lovy dovy).

I hope you don't get upset with my comments. You DID ask for feedback and it is in my best interest to help you. However, I do have my own preferences, so you'll have to exuse me if I prefer the darker tones of life

P.s. If you are not going to use it, may I use the part about Garen breaking down? And also use the Noxian Charm bit? It has a really nice touch. I'll give you credit for it and everything.

P.s.s. I really like that part where Garen barges in on Jarvan and Shyvanna. You gave me a good laugh.
I won't lie...I had to google Dues ex Machina lol. It's a term I've heard a lot and never knew what it meant lol.

I appreciate the feedback, I really do, and constructive criticism is great! I just don't usually reply on the forum in between chapter posts cuz someone said it got their hopes up about updates lol.

T is just a safety measure really. I'm terrified of getting banned XD

Was it specifically the League intervention in Kalamanda that seemed surreal? Cuz that's straight from the JoJ. But I definitely get that I might be pulling them out of danger too much. I guess I thought I was doing a better job at making things fall apart in these past few chapters than I apparently did. By no means do I want to make it easy on them. I still have a lot of plot things to explain that maybe will make things seem more...difficult? I'll try my best to make it believable because realism is my main goal! I've got a long way to go in the writing world

Since the story takes place over two years at this point, I wanted to show him evolving from a machine to a human, but I kinda sucked it up lol. The first couple of chapters are pretty rocky in the personality aspect especially, so I hope to one day go back and elaborate more on that soldier mindset you hit on.

Even at my age I get embarrassed writing about sexy stuff It's another thing I need to work on for sure!

I like the dark things that can happen to people. It's when people hit rock bottom that change happens (that's what I feel as a therapist, lol).

You can use it if you like it


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Theamp4

Senior Member

11-13-2012

Awwww... Kitttyyyy :c


I saw a big post on the page by you again.
Fool me once, Shame on me
Fool me twice! Still Shame on me
Fool me Three time, Shame on you!

Don't be shamed! :P


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

CakeandBacon

Senior Member

11-13-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theamp4 View Post
Awwww... Kitttyyyy :c


I saw a big post on the page by you again.
Fool me once, Shame on me
Fool me twice! Still Shame on me
Fool me Three time, Shame on you!

Don't be shamed! :P
I did the same thing.

Anyways, I had a thought or two, and since you're taking critique...

I feel like Vayne is written a bit too snarky. Vayne is a completely humorless woman in game, and I feel like she's a bit too sarcastic here. Just a thought.

Also, I feel like this would be a good point to add Riven to the story. She's a good character, and would probably have an interesting perspective on Kat and Garen's (mostly Kat's) predicament.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Frost Archer

Senior Member

11-14-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theamp4
Awwww... Kitttyyyy :c


I saw a big post on the page by you again.
Fool me once, Shame on me
Fool me twice! Still Shame on me
Fool me Three time, Shame on you!

Don't be shamed! :P
Oh come on, lay off her. I was the one that gave her the critique. Now instead of needling her to post the next chapter, why don't you give her a critique to help her improve her work? And while your at it, go make your own fan fic. She already said herself that she would be a bit late. Why don't you just try your own patience for a bit? You are hardly in any position to reprimand her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CakeandBacon
I did the same thing.

Anyways, I had a thought or two, and since you're taking critique...

I feel like Vayne is written a bit too snarky. Vayne is a completely humorless woman in game, and I feel like she's a bit too sarcastic here. Just a thought.

Also, I feel like this would be a good point to add Riven to the story. She's a good character, and would probably have an interesting perspective on Kat and Garen's (mostly Kat's) predicament.
I may not agree with you on all parts, but I definitely think that you should include Riven. After all, she is an exile too. She should be able to relate to Garen and Kat. Save their life I guess, (but remember the DEM) And hopefully see a bit of jelousy. Though Riven does not seem the type


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Theamp4

Senior Member

11-14-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrostArcher024 View Post
Oh come on, lay off her. I was the one that gave her the critique. Now instead of needling her to post the next chapter, why don't you give her a critique to help her improve her work? And while your at it, go make your own fan fic. She already said herself that she would be a bit late. Why don't you just try your own patience for a bit? You are hardly in any position to reprimand her.

Apparently I can't joke with you around :c. Did you honestly think I was serious? I can't make my own fan fic - Well I could, but it would be terrible as I cannot write myself, but I know good writing when I see it. All I was doing was showing my anticipation for the next chapter in that way because she's done it once before to me! I honestly don't see much of how she could improve, other than Vayne being not as serious as I think she could be. If you can refrain from insulting me again, I would gladly appreciate it. Thanks


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Frost Archer

Senior Member

11-14-2012

Naw, I know that you could be joking, but week after week, I see people saying things like that. Sure you can joke but things can (not saying it has yet) go over board. And also, I don't think that I need to refrain from insulting you because I really didn't. Where did I call you a name? I was only making it clear that you shouldn't blame her for what she did because I was the one that gave her the critique. I seriously hope I did not just start a flame war. Those get rather annoying.

BTW, Perhaps I may have sounded a bit harsh, but I really meant no disrespect. I was technically saying, give her a break, and if you really like fan fics, give it a shot at least.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Theamp4

Senior Member

11-14-2012

"Why don't you just try your own patience for a bit?"

That's what I meant by the insult.

And no, you didn't start a flame war, and I agree, they are annoying...