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The Complete Vayne x Kog'Maw Series

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Hello, this is the archive of all "A Tale of Two Carries" masterpieces. Some may be considered NSFW, but I think you're just reading too much into them, tbh. The series is not over, there will be updates.

A Tale of Two Carries

Kog'Maw had never been on her team before, which was just fine with Vayne. As they filled the same role, having both was generally frowned upon, so the disgusting Void monster was always across from her and ripe for condemning. She farmed Kog, mostly because as a Void monster he was probably evil and he simply looked vile to her. Anything with four eyes and some strange half-exposed exoskeleton needed to be purged.

As such, Kog'Maw usually took the brunt of her beatings - he was the strongest damage-dealer in the game, barely surpassing her, and only because his vomit corroded armor. Maybe if she threw up on people she could do more damage too.

Then one day, after she was first picked because she hadn't been nerfed to slowest-champion-in-the-game-tier yet, the mid summoner on her team selected Kog'Maw.

"What, I'm the carry, get rid of him!" she exclaimed, angrily wheeling around to glare at the little Void monster, who was preoccupied with his own tail at the moment.

"I go... AP!" Kog chuckled, finally paying attention to her.

"Get out of-" Vayne growled, but the lock-in time passed, and the final choice in the game was Kog'Maw, on HER team. She'd have to put up with the little pest dropping giant volleys of vomit everywhere without being able to kill him in three hits. Oh well, at least he couldn't spew anything on her this time. Still, AP Kog? Would people start playing her in the top lane next? What was the meta coming to?!

Kog'Maw was surprisingly not feeding in his lane and doing quite well, even sniping the enemy Nocturne once as he tried to retreat from an obviously-unsuccessful gank attempt on Vayne's lane. She was somewhat ashamed to admit she couldn't finish off the jungler herself and had to give the walking stomach the kill as he launched a long-range chunk of vomit onto Nocturne's recalling form, killing him instantly.

He was, slightly useful, she had to admit. She didn't have Flash up to chase Nocturne herself despite her still-fast movement speed boosts, so his supercharged ultimates were doing work.

Finally a large teamfight broke out, and Kog'Maw was pulled in by Ahri, though why the fox had Charmed a hideous beast like Kog, Vayne had absolutely no idea. He was much too close to Graves, who was preparing to fire his ultimate, and the enemy Taric stunned Kog once the Charm ended, rendering him unable to escape as damage pounded onto him. As Graves dashed forward to land the final blow on poor Kog, who had taken out the other two members of their team before, Vayne leaped into action, tumbling to get closer before condemning Graves into a wall, stunning him and rapidly firing her arrows until he collapsed.

The rest of their team was already dead, and Ahri was low, completely on cooldowns and trying to hit Kog with her weak autos, so Vayne took her out next as Kog backed off to safety, taking Taric out himself. With the enemy team aced, the two carries turned to go to mid and take the turret down; considering their mighty pushing power, this would be a swift task.

But Kog paused and turned to her, waddling over and wrapping his stubby arms around her thin waist.

Vayne squealed as some of the saliva from his mouth trickled out, since it never closed, and condemned him off her, into a wall. She backed away, glaring at the little monster and on the offensive.

He shook his head, in a daze, before finally snapping out of it. Then she saw the tears welling up in his eyes, all four of them. She didn't even know things from the Void had tear ducts, but apparently so. He sniffled once before mumbling, "Just wanted to thank..."

Kog shuffled off, and once he was in a bush started to run, but his maximum speed was minimal with how stubby his legs were. Vayne realized he only wanted to give her a hug for saving his life and taking out the enemy carries, like he'd seen other champions do.

Suddenly she felt horrible. Poor little Kog'Maw was just trying to behave like a normal person and show gratitude, and she'd roughed him up for no reason.

"Kog, wait!" she cried out, running after him and easily catching him, as he'd stopped running at the edge of the brush and flopped to the ground, dragging a claw in the dirt in the shape of a heart before gashing down the middle.

"I shouldn't have shot you into a wall if you were just trying to thank me. I... couldn't stand the idea of you being killed, as strange as that sounds," she admitted, tensing at the fact she had actually just said that to Kog'Maw, of all the champions.

He looked up at her with shining eyes, a large grin on his face (ignoring the fact his mouth was huge) and chortled. The silly laugh made her smile and she suddenly realized they were very close.

Looking at the scoreboard hovering far above them, she winked at Kog'Maw:

"We still have a little bit before anyone respawns. How about I show you something else you can eat?"

A Tale of Two Carries Part 2: Kog'Maw's Christmas

It was time for the annual Holiday Game, where champions who had festive attire all gathered on the battlefield for a friendly match. Normally Irelia was disappointed she didn't have anything seasonal so she could participate, but this year, she just wanted to forget she was in League of Legends. Her last game had almost been lost because noob Vayne and Kog'Maw had vanished after acing the enemy team, going afk in a bush and not pushing towers.

Irelia was mad - she had been nerfed too badly to tryhard carry like she used to, even though she was fairly well fed. Her team's two carries mysteriously vanishing made every fight a 3v5, but Irelia went hard and finally the two reappeared just as the enemy team was about to take Baron's life once again, stealing then acing and pushing for the victory.

She vowed never to play with either again.

Kog'Maw and Sona always laned together for one team in the Holiday game, "singing" Christmas songs together as best a mute girl and Void monster could. This year looked to be no different. Malphite, lean and green, took their top lane while Nocturne tossed a ratty sheet over his head and jungled. It was expected LeBlanc would take mid as usual, but she had seemed rather disinterested in the competition as she was under the weather, so her ability to 100-0 noob enemy carries was in question.

The other team had ****ty-as-always Miss Fortune laning with Shaco dressed as a crackhead nut. They always started arguing as Shaco would drop cheesy pickup lines and Miss Fortune would crack some nuts of her own between the barrels of her guns. Kog and Sona were the reigning champions of the Holiday Game bot lane as such and were expected to make their usual successful stomp.

Irelia vowed to train Shaco and Fortune to beat Kog personally.


Vayne sighed, staring at the holiday game sign-ups. Nobody had taken mid on Kog's team yet, as LeBlanc had announced she was too ill to fight this year. Without a fifth, they would have to forfeit or hope Kog could carry hard enough to make up for it, leaving Sona to 1v2 the horrible opposing bot lane.

The Night Hunter paused from walking away - she dearly wanted to play alongside Kog again, since playing with him had been so much fun before, but they rarely got the chance. AP Kog was still catching on and now she was horribly slow so she wasn't first pick or lose anymore.

All she needed was a holiday outfit and she could lane with Sona! Koggy could take mid and then they would win together easily. Rumor had it Miss Fortune and Shaco were trying hard to learn how to beat Kog, so having Vayne in lane instead would throw them completely off. Aside from the fact Vayne was too slow to dodge Miss Fortune's endless stream of bullets, but that's what Sona was for. And Sona was an agreeable lanemate - she never talked much, or at all, and always did her best.

Vayne strode off to the wardrobe department and demanded something suitably festive, made immediately. The tailor on duty stared at her, "But Vayne, you're not due for anything new."

"I am now," she glared, intimidating the clerk with her fierce demeanor. He spluttered, looking at the backlog of skins that summoners had been clamoring for, before darting behind the Staff Only door to get the head skin designer.

"I suppose Valentine's Day is coming up. Will you agree to wear whatever we make?" he wryly queried, ogling her thin figure.

"I guess. But I need it in time for the Holiday Game," she commanded, and turned to walk out.

This would be fun.


A week later, Vayne received notification her new outfit was done. She picked it up without a second thought, though she did frown at how vibrant the cape was. At least it was a nice red and not a completely garish shade. When she returned to her room she tossed it onto her bed and looked.

"Oh, they forgot the rest of it, imbeciles," she scowled, shaking her head at the lack of fabric present. Storming back to the wardrobe department, she threw the hanger down onto the desk and demanded the rest of the outfit.

The manager waddled back out from secrecy with a putrid grin on his face, "Oh silly Vayne, that IS the entire outfit. Enjoy, I know I will!"

She condemned him into the wall and rushed out.

Back in her room, she warily tried the outfit on, struggling to figure out how the tiny strips of fabric were supposed to look, or stay on. She saw Janna outside, below her window, and called to the sorceress. Very convenient timing, considering Janna knew everything about how to wear gravity-defying clothes. She had helped Morgana keep her tiny tops on when the fallen angel kept having to use one arm to hold the minuscule bikini tops on in the middle of a fight.

Janna drifted through Vayne's door a few minutes later and stopped dead in her tracks.

"Oh my..." she mumbled, eyes wide as she looked at the very uncharacteristically red and pink Night Hunter.

"Don't say a word. Just help me figure out how this goes on," Vayne ordered, still fumbling with the tiny red and silver ensemble.

"I'm not sure if this is lingerie for someone special or you lost a bet and got a new skin," Janna remarked after helping to get the skimpy top properly cinched around Vayne's chest.

She paused, thinking of how to best reply to that. In a way, she supposed it would have a certain appeal to a specific Void monster, but of course, she could never tell Janna that.

"I asked for a new skin and agreed to whatever they gave me. I got this," she finally explained, sighing. She really had walked right into this one by not demanding something that covered more skin than it showed. Every new outfit she got was more and more revealing but this one was by far the worst. It was quite possibly more ****ty than Janna's usual clothes, but at least it wasn't as trashy as Miss Fortune's closet. Terrible.

"I think you look quite hot... which is really weird to say to you," Janna frowned, feeling conflicted by the horribly out of character outfit the normally-serious Vayne was actually rocking quite well.

At Vayne's displeased frown, she quickly drifted right back out of the room.


When Vayne showed up on the battlefield for the Holiday Game, confidently strutting in her nearly-nonexistent outfit, all eyes were on her. The rest of the summoners held their collective breaths as they all wondered if Vayne had been replaced by a lookalike.

Irelia broke the silence, letting out a stifled scream and kicking Olaf over, since he was the nearest person. Though he yelled a shocked "BRO" at her, she didn't pay any attention and walked away from the Holiday Game forever.

Vayne went to stand next to Kog'Maw, who glanced up at her and froze. He tried to wolf whistle but every time it just came out as an awkward, spluttered grunt so he finally gave up and simply said, "You look nice."

She smiled down at him and thanked him, telling him he could show her just how nice later, once they won.

Off in the stands, Malzahar began fuming. ****-Vayne was standing much too close to little Kog'Maw. She would start to taint his Voidly pureness with her exposed assets if she didn't get away from his innocent little eater. Malzahar stood up in a rush, ready to race down and beat Vayne to the ground for looking so vile around a mighty creature of the Void, but it was pony ride time for the little Yordles, and as Hecarim dashed through the stands he plowed right into Malzahar, knocking him through the bleachers and onto the ground below, where he was rendered unconscious by the fall and woke up to find a used condom on his face, probably from useless Ashe and her useless noob husband, the Holiday Game long over.

Malzahar vowed to get his revenge.


After easily defeating the other team, the crowd of champions gathered around the winning five, congratulating them. Everyone was eager to know just what had prompted Vayne to go with something this revealing for her new holiday outfit, and she shrugged.

Though there was a large mass of heroes between them, she only had eyes for one. Locking visual contact with Kog'Maw, whose antlers twitched in delight, she winked at him and then addressed the crowd:

"Easy access."

A Tale of Two Carries Part 3: The Final Countdown (has been called NSFW by some dirty-minded folk)

Malzahar's concern was growing. This was the second week in a row Kog'Maw had not come home at night. Though he'd always find the hungry creature roaming around during the day, the prophet had no idea where Kog spent his nights. It was concerning to know he was losing control of one of his voidlings and that something as dark and powerful as Kog'Maw was breaking free of anyone's grasp, bursting out into the world on his own.

Soon that world would find itself eaten if it wasn't careful - who knew what Kog was doing as he roamed around in the shadows, leaving no evidence as to where he'd been unless he slobbered on the ground where he ate whole families.

No, this would never do. Malzahar had a duty to protect his people, all the future servants of the Void, from a rampant, uncontrolled Kog'Maw. He would track the monster tonight and reign him back in, charming the creature to stay with only Malzahar forever.

Then perhaps he could finally see about getting some sweet Void sugar.


Vayne lay in bed, one arm draped over the sleeping Void monster beside her, snuggled up to her and snoring softly. It had been several weeks since she first introduced Kog'Maw to a whole new world of eating, and he'd been farming her void's ooze ever since. Kog had stopped staying with Malzahar and Cho'Gath and instead spent his nights with her.

She hadn't expected something like Kog to be so affectionate, but he always insisted on cuddling after. Vayne had never thought she would be feeding Kog'Maw either, but here she was.

Now she was curious what it'd be like to feel the full barrage of Kog'Maw's artillery. Did he even have the right items for that? As far as she knew, nobody had any idea how Void creatures reproduced, so Cho and Kog's Blasting Wands remained a mystery to everyone.

Kog murmured her name in his sleep, snuggling closer, and she smiled. It was strange to not be out on the prowl for evildoers, but nothing had gone wrong in the two weeks she'd spent with Kog'Maw in her arms. Perhaps the threat of Vayne roaming the streets at night looking to purge any evil she found was enough to deter sinister intentions, even if she wasn't actually there. Nobody would know that, right?

She drifted off to sleep, arm tightening around Kog'Maw.


Kog'Maw waddled out of his lane down to bot. His Mundo had called for a four man gank on the enemy team, which was his sweetie, Vayne, and Sona. Kog felt bad beating both of them up, but it was just a game and there would be no hard feelings. Mundo came out of the bushes as Kog was still walking down the platform and threw a cleaver at Vayne. She tumbled out of the way, but a note fluttered down, attached to the cleaver, and she read it. It had macaroni noodles glued onto the front in the shape of a heart, and Kog recognized it as a Valentine's card.

From Mundo. To Vayne.

"Mundo think you look hot like Mundo likes," the purple abomination grunted, eyes undressing the barely-clothed-anyway Night Hunter in her Valentine outfit.

She narrowed her eyes and kicked him in the face, whirling him around so she could condemn him into the wall and proceed to destroy him while he was stunned. He snapped out of it and saw Kog'Maw plodding over, but the Void monster was glaring at him.

"Kog'Maw, you kill, she focus me like she want me," Mundo commanded, struggling to hold on against the bolts stacking up against him.

But Kog did nothing. He sat back and watched Mundo die and then tried to chase Vayne with his team, diving under her turret and circling it, looking her in the eyes to let her know she needed to kill him. One bolt and it was over, Kog'Maw collapsed.

Back in spawn, Mundo began throwing a fit at him, asking why he had done nothing then stupidly dove without attacking. Kog ignored him and walked to botlane, diving again.

Kog'Maw carried Vayne like only he could, and that was the game she went 50/0.


Afterwards, while they snuggled close in her bed, she asked why he intentionally fed and threw the game. Irelia had even come up to her, since the blademaster was playing top on Vayne's team, and asked what was wrong with the little Void critter lately.

"Mundo tried to steal you, so I feed," he explained simply, the frills on his neck bristling as he thought of the self-mutilator mentally undressing his sweetheart.

"I can handle Mundo just fine on my own, you don't have to throw the game to prove a point," she sighed, but she couldn't be mad at him, the gesture was too romantic. Plus it had been a meaningless game anyway, nothing was at stake, and at least Kog cared.

Ashe was always complaining that Tryndamere never took her on romantic dates or did anything sweet, even though they were married. Vayne offhandedly pointed out one time that it was Ashe herself who maintained their relationship was purely political, so why should she be expecting flowers and chocolate every week?

That was the day Vayne took an arrow to the knee.


The female summoners had gathered for their usual "Force Everyone to be Social" meeting once a week, where they discussed things that endlessly bored the less flittery and girlish champions but delighted the little Yordles.

Vayne was late, as she finally decided to go on patrol once again in the early evening, dusk providing her cover to sneak around. All was clear, and she walked in only a few minutes after the usual starting time, which nobody would think anything of.

"Do you ever wonder what kind of junk Void monsters have?" was the first thing she heard, blurted out by an intoxicated Miss Fortune.

The Night Hunter's mouth dropped open. Why was anyone thinking about that?! Was Kog'Maw feeding off another carry on the side? If he was, and skank Miss Fortune was fooling around with him, both would find themselves dead by morning.

Most other people had the same reaction as her though, and looked at Fortune like she was crazy.

"Why are you thinking about that?" Katarina asked, the only one brave enough to break the silence.

"I dunno, it just occurred to me, we don't have a clue how Cho or Kog breed," the bounty hunter shrugged, flopping over the arm of the couch she was sitting on.

"Do they even reproduce?" Kayle ventured, not particularly sure she wanted to know the answer, but hopeful that if everyone decided to agree they didn't, this conversation would be done.

"Well, Kog sometimes mentions his daddy, when he's waiting for more minions to come, so he has parents. I guess that means they breed," Janna shrugged, thinking back to when she'd laned with Kog and had short conversations with him.

"That's true, but why does anyone care how he does it?" Soraka agreed, scowling. This was much too impure for someone like her to be discussing.

"Scientific curiosity. We should send someone to ask Kog about it," Nidalee suggested, and several of the women threw things at her.

"Terrible idea," Irelia scowled, shaking her head.

Vayne was completely thrown for a loop. She'd figured she was the only one who ever thought about Kog'Maw's Infinity Edge, but here were others vouching an interest in learning what sort of weapon he held. She was also getting irritated they were debating about who to send to find out.

"Let's send Morgana. She doesn't have any standards anyway," Fortune suggested, and several girls nodded.

"I'm a fallen angel, not a ****!" the winged woman protested, leaping out of her seat.

"Look at your top," Irelia pointed out, earning herself glares from Janna and Sivir.

"Send Cass, she's at least part snake," Kat tossed out, snickering as her sister hit her.

"I have standards. Besides, I've never talked to him, he'd be too shy," Cassiopeia shrugged, swiftly removing herself from consideration.

"Why not Ahri?" LeBlanc smirked, looking at the half-fox, "She's good at seduction."

"Ewww, why would I seduce Kog? He's like a cousin to me!" The temptress groaned, since puppy dog Kog was almost like a relative to her.

"Just send Morgana. She can come up with some way of doing it," Kayle put her foot down, and the rest of the women slowly nodded or shrugged, providing no better solution.

"Go go Morg, come back when you've figured it out!" Nidalee urged, earning herself a Dark Binding to the face to shut her up.

Vayne excused herself, saying she had to go on patrol as usual, and the other girls nodded, letting her depart.

She was furious. They were actually sending someone to try and seduce her Koggy just to find out how Void monsters bred? Why not just ask Cho'Gath? He was a gentleman, he'd certainly tell someone who asked nicely. They probably just wanted to humiliate Kog, and Morgana, who looked less than pleased with the assignment and insinuations she had no morals.


"This sucks," Morgana grumbled to herself as she walked along in the direction she thought Malzahar's house was. Kog'Maw would probably be there, and then she'd have to find some way of getting the stupid information out of him without embarrassing herself or giving the gaping mouth the wrong idea.

She figured she should just be straight with him - "Hi Kog, the dumb girls forced me to come ask you how you make baby Kogs, so if you could just tell me so I can go and tell them that'd be really great."

Nothing sneaky or seductive, just asking him. What if he didn't even know, though? She supposed she could ask Cho'Gath, who seemed a bit more clued-in with things than Kog.

Something hit her over the back of the head and Morgana dropped to the ground, unconscious.

With Morgana out of the way, Vayne proceeded to her own home, where Kog'Maw would be waiting, probably eating everything she had. There was no way she was letting anyone else get a glimpse at Kog'Maw's Void Staff, especially not before her. Morgana would probably just give up when she came to instead of proceeding with her mission, and the pity from being bashed over the head would get her out of ever completing it.

Kog ran over to her when she came through the door, happy to see her and nuzzling his face into her chest. He was being rather frisky tonight, and it gave her an idea.

"Let me go change into something more comfortable."


Vayne reemerged in her Heartseeker outfit, earning a tail wag from Kog'Maw, who trotted up to her eagerly.

"Koggy, I've been thinking, that maybe we should change the nature of our relationship," she began before he jumped back, shrinking to the ground and clasping at his arms in front of him, eyes wide and glassy.

"You leave me?" he whimpered, lip trembling.

"No, silly, nothing like that. It's just you're always carrying me to my endgame, I wanted to do the same for you," she said, stroking the top of his head.

He looked hesitant, but warily nodded, agreeing.

"You have a Needlessly Large Rod, right?" she asked, dropping down to the ground and spreading her legs.

"Umm, Judicators say Void monsters can't touch girls with it, they scream and we get sent back," he awkwardly admitted, and Vayne recalled the incident where Cho'Gath, trying to be a gentleman and save Cassiopeia from falling when Maokai knocked her back over the wall into Baron's pit, had accidentally locked two of his claws around her Kindlegems, causing nothing short of a catastrophic misunderstanding on the battlefield. Since then, all Void monsters had to go through sexual harassment seminars to avoid inappropriate contact.

"That's only if she doesn't want your Atma's Impaler entering her Glacial Shroud, and I do," she moaned, pulling him closer.



Malzahar had fallen asleep outside Vayne's house. Kog'Maw had walked there and let himself in, but the Night Hunter was apparently not home, so in the time before she got there the prophet passed out. Something stirred him from his sleep, and he drifted to a window, pressing his face against it and listening.

He let out a ear-splitting shriek and rushed off.


"Everyone, come quick! Something's happened to Vayne!" Malzahar shouted, bursting through the door into the girls' meeting. They were all clustered around Morgana, who had just returned to report the attack on her.

"Oh no, someone just hit Morgana too, we'd better all go," Ashe commanded, standing up and leading the charge.

Malzahar took them to Vayne's house and told them to stop right outside and be silent. They all listened.

"Oh Kog'Maw."


"Mmmmm, faster Koggy, ohhhh."

"You feel so nice."

"Oh Kog, harder, harder."

"Whatever you want, hehe."

The girls, plus Malzahar, were frozen in place. This couldn't be what it sounded like, could it? No, there wasn't a chance. Vayne must have been forced into this by the Void monster!

Tristana blew the door down and all the women rushed in, ready to pull Kog'Maw off the poor Night Hunter. And then they saw her on the ground, arms wrapped around Kog, who was standing above her. He froze when he heard the explosion, but she apparently didn't notice and asked why he'd stopped when she was so close.

"Vayne, are you... alright?" Riven asked, the only one brave enough to speak.

Now the Night Hunter understood why Kog had froze. His eyes were wide and glassy, arms clasped in front of him as he fiddled, tail between his legs. If she said no and acted like he'd forced her into this, he'd be kicked out of the League, since nobody would believe his side of the story.

But she smiled up at him and yelled back, "I was until you all barged in."

"Oh, well uh, we'll just, go now, if, uh, yeah..." Riven replied, backing out and disappearing into the crowd of women.

"I guess this isn't too weird, I mean, Jarvan is giving Shyvana his Sheen, and she's half dragon," Kat shrugged, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Hey, back off!" the dragon yelled, her claws catching fire as she prepared to punch the mercenary.

"I think we should all just go now and forget we ever saw this," Janna suggested, Monsooning everyone out of the house and propping the door up.

But Malzahar wasn't done. He was absolutely furious that Kog'Maw would put his Stinger in someone else.

"No, this is outrageous! My Voidlings are for me and me alone, she can't take him away from me!" he raged, but he was drowned out by Vayne crying out as Kog'Maw turned his Void Staff back into a Blasting Wand.

"Shut up," Soraka scowled, silencing Malzahar. Anivia stunned him, tired of his noise, and the girls carried him off in a seedy bag, never to be respected again.


The next week, Irelia sighed from her top lane, which she was thoroughly destroying, and yelled at the other team:

"report noob Vayne and Kog, afk in the bushes agai- oh my god you're kidding me, THAT'S what they've been doing? team plz surrender at the 20 i dont want to be here anymore."

Neither did Eve, the enemy's living ward in the bot lane bush.

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The Return of the Carries - this is based on a true story, using psuedonyms to mask the identity of the real individuals involved in this tragedy.

Vayne gently caressed Kog'Maw as he lay next to her, lazily reflecting on the day as she drifted off to sleep. She was still taking full advantage of how needlessly large his rod was, though Malzahar dragged his sorry mess by every once in a while to call out for Kog to leave the Night Hunter for him. Kog'Maw just shook his head and said he wasn't interested in anyone else's Stinger.

Most of the other champions had accepted that they carried each other daily now, though some still gave her weird or disgusted looks. She could tell Caitlyn was a bit mystified that anyone could find Kog attractive, but the sheriff kept her thoughts to herself. Miss Fortune always glared at her enviously, but that was probably because any female who was getting the full effects of a Blasting Wand made her jealous, since all Fortune ever cared about was foreplay.

She had no lategame to be carried to, after all.

It was going well with Kog - aside from the few times Mundo tried to hit on her and Kog got furious up in his face like he was Renekton at a tournament. There were no female Void creatures and none of the other females really found themselves attracted to Kog, so Vayne was quite content to feed Kog'Maw nightly.

And then it happened.

A summoner who thought he was tough beans because he was on a useless nobody team that would never stand a chance in any tournaments laned against Kog'Maw at mid. Kog was simply going about his usual business, trying to farm until Void Ooze almost instantly suffocated minions to death, and he had his ultimate. But this buffoon kept walking right up to him, asking to die, so the Void monster took advantage of the situation presented.

Vayne was watching the match to cheer on her man, when she suddenly started to feel terribly uncomfortable. The adoring gaze on the summoner's face as Kog'Maw took his life repeatedly worried her. She frowned - he almost looked like he was enjoying it as much as she liked to feed Kog. But that was her job, and hers alone.

The Night Hunter looked at his name - DontBanMe. It had some dumb tag for a team that wasn't very good in front of it, and she pondered. He was supposed to be a 'professional' player but here he was, endlessly dying to her man. Vayne was getting irritated after his fourth death, when he suddenly began shouting.

"Yo Kog, might wanna buy a Mejai's because I'm feeding like a bawss!"

Aside from the obvious atrocity of the latter-most word in his taunt, Vayne was startled that someone else was intentionally feeding Kog so much. At least it was in a different fashion than she did - she would never die to him on the battlefield without a fair fight.

Then she realized DontBanMe was humping Kog'Maw's leg as he was bombed to death by close-range ultimates.

Now she was the one with Endless Rage, Tryndamere could go home because her ultimate just got reworked. This was absurd - how dare he try to hump her Kog! And after he was feeding like this too!

"Other team buy snowball items I'm feeding, dat dying spree!" DontBanMe cackled, running out once again to die to the enemy team.

"Shut up you ******, what do you think you're doing?!" one of his teammates, No, yelled out.

"Are you serious?" another teammate, DragonDance, fumed, just wanting to have a good game and perhaps boost his rating.

They were doing alright themselves, Vayne noted somewhat sourly, as she was rooting for her Koggy to win, but as teamfights broke out, her sweetheart was much too fed, and thoroughly destroyed the enemy Ezreal, who crumpled easily after only a few ultimates.

DontBanMe continued to ferociously hump Kog's leg every time he was alive, which wasn't frequently anymore because he kept dying to Kog and his team. Vayne was seething now, ready to demolish this pleb. She wasn't going to sit back and let some scrub whose ELO was clearly miles below hers violate her man like this.

Vayne the Night Hunter leaped up and stormed onto Summoner's Rift with her crossbow ready to condemn this buffoon.

By the time she got to mid lane, the surrender vote had been passed a minute ago and both teams were already back to their spawns, porting out.

"Curse you Riot, I can't chase anyone!" she yelled, all alone with her minuscule movespeed. Maybe someday she'd be good at running again.


After the match, she couldn't find Kog'Maw. There was, however, a huge crowd of people arguing over whether DontBanMe's professional status warranted him being kept around instead of banned. Then she saw Kog in the middle of the fray, being fawned over by many female summoners, and a fair few Taric-like male ones, asking him to carry them.

She was beyond annoyed now - SHE was the only one Kog would ever be carrying and all these fanboys and fangirls could just sit down. Yelling for Kog to dump them, he didn't even hear her over the crowd, and she tried to yell louder, before realizing that didn't fit her lore at all - she was stealthy and quiet! So her yell was truly an unremarkable decibel and could not be detected by Kog'Maw, surrounded by adoring fans.

Kog'Maw didn't come home that night. She sat up until midnight, expecting him to walk through at any time. Then she thought to call Cho'Gath and see if the Voidlings were catching up, but the gentleman sincerely apologized and said he had not seen her amour since the match ended. He did, however, assure her that Kog was probably swept away against his will by all the fans, thinking that his AP play was greatest of all time, and once they released him from their company he would quite happily plod home to her.

She hoped so, but as she drifted fitfully to sleep alone, she couldn't stop the lone tear from trailing down her face.


Vayne woke up looking like a wreck. She hadn't slept well at all, and her bed was cold instead of warmed by the Void monster. After showering and attempting to make herself look at least somewhat presentable in her Vindicator outfit, as she'd fallen asleep in her usual one and needed to wash it, she went outside for the day in hopes of finding her wayward Koggy.

The Night Hunter happened upon Ahri after not too long, who knew everything about everyone. She thought Kog was a cute little puppy, so the fox was likely to know where he was, the busybody.

"Hello Ahri, have you seen Kog?" Vayne tersely asked, not entirely a fan of Ahri's overly-affectionate and sensual demeanor.

"I actually haven't, since the crowd whisked him off after that match yesterday. Oh, darling, I do hope he's alright," she simpered, batting her eyelashes sympathetically, before offering, "I'll help you look for him, if you like."

Ahri had an excellent sense of smell left over from her days of solely being a fox, so Vayne took her up on the offer. They set off together, checking everywhere there would likely be a mass of over-enthused fans clamoring to play with OP-plz-nerf AP Kog. But there was no sign of him.

"My my, I'm getting a tad concerned for dear Koggy," Ahri commented, fretfully glancing around another corner after she saw how drained the Night Hunter was looking. Vayne's face was pale and strained, her hair unevenly combed. The fox sped up her pace, hoping to find the other woman's wayward carry soon.

Finally she pushed open the door to a large socializing feed, where many summoners came to discuss the game. There, Ahri gasped in horror, eyes wide as she saw Miss Fortune and DontBanMe kissing Kog'Maw on each of his cheeks, surrounded by a crowd shouting about how much they loved him.

Vayne let out a heart-wrenching cry of shock as she saw how happy Kog looked to be getting all the attention - he certainly looked no worse for having spent the night who knows where, and now she was questioning who he spent it with.

DontBanMe was growing more affectionate onto Kog by the second, and finally Vayne broke down sobbing.

"The one good thing in my life and Riot nerfs me so hard I lose him to screaming fanboys and trolly feeders. Why?!" she cried out, before running out the door in tears.

There were several other champions lurking awkwardly in the lobby, watching the crowd have a circlejerk to Kog'Maw. Caitlyn, Taric, Anivia and Sivir frowned at the over-affectionate summoners, and turned in surprise when they heard Vayne start crying, thoroughly thrown off that tears were actually streaming down her face as she ran out.

The room went silent and Kog'Maw seemed to zone back in to what was happening, glancing around. He saw Ahri standing still, awe-struck by what had just happened, and took the opportunity to shove his way through the crowd out to her.

"What happen?" he asked the fox, who finally snapped to attention.

"Uh, I think you might be out a girlfriend," she uneasily replied, shifting awkwardly on her feet before dashing out, not entirely sure how upset Vayne really was.

Ezreal came storming in at that moment, glaring dead-on at DontBanMe.

The four champions who had been inside rushed over to him and he fell into Taric's outstretched arms eagerly, looking for a strong, manly shoulder to cry on.

"DontBanMe is so horrible, ugh why feed Kog, we have Vayne to do that without changing the course of the game!" Ezreal moaned angstily, his face turning into every yaoi fanboy's favorite expression as he gazed into Taric's galaxy-deep eyes.

"Maybe he doesn't anymore. DontBanMe and Miss Fortune were just rubbing on him like you told me to do to you, and Vayne saw. She was truly, truly, TRULY, outraged," Taric responded slowly.

"I can't believe someone's trying to steal the little monster away. Rubbish," Caitlyn tossed in, scowling at the crowd.

"This is coming to a stop! Not only is he ruining games, he's ruining relationships! Riot, you want people to spend $20 on my next skin when you release it soon tm, obey me, get rid of DontBanMe!" Ezreal screamed, summoning the Chinese overlords who looked solely at the bottom line.

They agreed that this was the only wise decision, as if Ezreal lost over and over again to fed Kog'Maw, nobody would think he was a good champion and buy his new skin, coming soon tm.

DontBanMe was swiftly expelled from the League, partially for ruining skin sales, mostly for his disruption to Vayne's brief glimpse of happiness.


Kog'Maw wandered the streets, clasping his hands guiltily. He had spent the previous night listening to summoners talk endlessly about how much fun he was to watch play, and how great he was as an AP carry and lost track of time completely, only realizing it was noon the next day when Ahri and Vayne had walked in and he finally glanced at a clock.

Then Vayne had run out crying, already looking worse for the wear, and he realized what the scrub summoner and Fortune were doing to him was what she had said only she should be doing. Poor Kog hadn't thought it was the same kind of affection, since he had no interest in either, and figured they were just being dumb, but he had apparently really hurt the Night Hunter. Ahri didn't say much about the situation before rushing off with three quick dashes, leaving Kog to walk around hunting for Vayne on his own.

She wasn't at her house, so he set out to look for her all across town. She was nowhere to be found, however, and he was growing more and more depressed with each step he took. Kog pressed on, thinking hard about where she might go. Then he realized it.

He plodded onto Summoner's Rift, heading towards the bush where she had first let him eat her out, remembering how much he'd liked it. Just the thought made his Void staff perk up slightly.

Kog almost tripped over the Night Hunter as he blindly walked into the bush, stumbling over her slumped form, silently shaking, her head in her arms as she faced the ground. She jolted and looked up, her tear-stained face meeting his.

"They kick DontBanMe out, he scrub. I don't do what we do with anybody else though, lose track of time in crowd, should have just eaten them all. I sorry," he tried to apologize, awkwardly fumbling with what he wanted to say. The words weren't really coming out right, but she stopped crying as she stared at his sincere expression.

"It's alright... I just thought since you're so popular now, and I've been nerfed so hard, you cared more about your popularity than me," she admitted, dragging herself to a sitting position beside him.

"Never ever," he countered, smiling, and she smiled back, kissing him softly on the side of his face. He chortled, clicking the claws on his hands together and nuzzled her, before reaching for the zipper on the back of her outfit.

"I know something that make you feel better," Kog'Maw said, winking at Vayne, "Feeding time."

Another Tale of Two Carries

Kog'Maw's birthday was only a few short days away and his fellow AD carries were still completely clueless on what to get him. He was always leading the charge for their parties, decorating everything and making sure there was plenty of food for him to eat and finding the most suitable present for each carry, but since it was his birthday, they were stuck thinking up something without his help.

"We got him food last year, so that's no good," Caitlyn sighed, ruling out the most obvious of the suggestions, as food was the one thing Kog'Maw loved.

"And the year before that," Ezreal sheepishly admitted, hating to confess none of the longest-standing carries had spoken up the previous year.

"Well we certainly can't threepeat that, even though I'm sure he would love more food. After all his work for our birthdays that'd be much too rude," Ashe declared, finalizing the matter.

The carries dropped back into silence, each one reflecting and trying to think about what the Void monster would appreciate most.

Draven and Varus were particularly perplexed, as Varus didn't even want to celebrate anyone's birthday and neither knew Kog well enough. Finally Draven tossed out an idea though, "Why don't we get him some axes, so he can be smooth like me?"

"Idiot, he vomits and kills everyone; he doesn't even like using weapons, not everyone is you," Vayne rolled her eyes, unimpressed by the flashy carry's efforts to impose himself onto the Voidling.

"Yeah that doesn't suit Koggy at all, not a bit!" Tristana frowned, patting Draven's arm as a consolation anyway.

Twitch laughed creepily from the corner, his eyes glazed over and pupils drifting apart as he stared at the lights in the ceiling before he snapped to attention, "That idea smells terrible!"

Corki was blankly staring at a wall and mouthing words one at a time, so everyone ignored him and figured he was having one of his moments. Graves scowled whenever anyone looked at him - his bum was still sore after he lost a bet with Twisted Fate again, and he never had ideas for birthdays in the first place.

Kayle had a deep, thoughtful expression on her face, having left her helmet at home in an effort to be more personable with her fellow carries. Her wings gracefully flapped, keeping her hovering above the ground while everyone else stood or sat in one of the comfortable parlors in Ashe's castle.

Sivir's eyes lit up as she swept the room, looking at the other carries and stopping on Kayle. It had taken a while for the angel to be admitted into the AD carry's circle, but finally everyone accepted that was what she should be at her best.

"I've got it! You know how he always tries to fly in his Monarch skin?" Sivir blurted, excitedly jumping up.

"Yeah, and he's too dern fat to," Graves chuckled, earning a girlish slap from Ezreal who told him to play nice.

"I could make him fly, if you know what I mean," Miss Fortune laughed, swaying her hips.

"You can make me fly any day," Graves replied, ogling her, and her eyes narrowed.

"As if," she haughtily sneered.

Before they could get into another argument about their *** lives, Caitlyn butted in, focusing on the Battle Mistress's suggestion, "Sivir has something there, he really does want to fly but he doesn't have the aerodynamic build for it."

"His wings are too small, that's the problem. Mine are proportionlly suited to me, and my sister's used to be, but his are simply too dwarved to give him flight," Kayle agreed, fluttering her own feathered wings to show that size does matter.

"There's that new champion who just joined, what's her name?" Tristana tossed out, reminding everyone of the newest entrant to the League.

"Syndra, and she levitates. She makes a lot of things levitate, some sort of special Ionian magic controlling gravity," Ashe explained, shrugging when the others looked to her for more detail.

"She lives in a floating temple, so I'm sure she can make Kog fly!" Ezreal exclaimed, remembering a tidbit of gossip Taric had told him.

"Didn't she kill her old master? I've heard she's a total nutjob," Fortune preened, happy to be contributing.

"That's true, she is a bit power crazy. Do we want to risk asking her?" Caitlyn asked, looking around at the reluctant faces of her comrades.

"Do we want to give up getting Koggy the one thing he would appreciate, though?" Kayle pointed out, dropping to the floor to emphasize her point.

The carries were silent, each looking at each other and waiting for someone to volunteer. The women turned to Graves, expecting him to man up and go ask Syndra, but he threw his hands up to show he had no interest in it.

Finally, Vayne stood up and spoke, "I'll do it. If you're all going to be cowards, then someone has to, and I'm not afraid of Syndra. If she tries anything I'll kill her faster than she can kill me."

The other ADs gratefully nodded and wished the Night Hunter luck, thankful someone else had offered to ask the Dark Sovereign herself for a birthday favor.


As Vayne climbed the cloud steps to Syndra's flying fortress, she glanced down and froze. She was a couple hundred feet in the air and there was nothing on the side of the temple to grab onto. Sure, she could fight Syndra, but if the other woman simply picked her up and threw her out, she'd plunge to the ground with nothing to stop her.

Perhaps this was why the other carries had refused to go. Vayne wondered why Kayle didn't, since she could just flap her wings and fly away, then remembered Kayle had to leave promptly after the meeting for urgent business and wouldn't return until Kog'Maw's birthday.

A good excuse if Vayne ever heard one. The Night Hunter finally emerged onto the temple's doorstep and knocked at the door, wincing at the echoing gong trumpeting through the skies.

The doors opened, glowing with Syndra's patent purple and red magic, allowing her in. Vayne strode forward, hoping if she showed no fear Syndra would accept the request.

"Hello puppet, what brings you to my humble abode?" Syndra laughed, sweeping her arms around the spacious temple, and Vayne hoped she still looked intimidating.

"As you may know, one of our fellow champions has a birthday in two days: Kog'Maw. As one of his fellow AD carries, it was my responsibility to get a present for him. He has a Monarch skin, though he is unable to fly..." Vayne began before Syndra's snickering cut her off.

"And you want me to make him fly. That's cute, really it is. Adorable, even. Demacia's famed Night Hunter trying to get a fat butterfly functional wings. Precious," Syndra continued laughing to herself, the orbs circling around her even seeming to giggle, making fun of Vayne.

She shrunk where she stood, but tried to remain brave, "Well, yes, we do want you to make him fly. Since your magic potential is so strong, surely it wouldn't be any trouble for you to help make his dream come true."

"How cliche," Syndra snorted, but her laughter seemed to have ended as she seriously regarded the Night Hunter, "You're trying very hard to not be afraid of me flinging you like a rag doll. I like that. It's nice, being so brave for your little Koggy. I'll do it. Bring him to the field by my temple tomorrow and you'll see what I can do."

"Thank you, Syndra, we'll see you then," Vayne graciously replied and tried her best not to rush away, grateful the exchange was over and Syndra had agreed without any strings attached.


Meanwhile, the other carries, sans Kayle who had left, and Vayne and Kog'Maw of course, were gathered around.

"Do you think Syndra agreed?" Ashe asked.

"More like do you think Vayne is still alive?" Fortune snorted, but her fear was genuine.

"I'm sure she could handle herself," Sivir huffed, having confidence in her fellow huntress.

"All the same, whether Syndra accepted is another matter entirely, and we don't have enough time to ask. We should get another present for Kog'Maw," Caitlyn suggested, only to be cut off by Graves:

"How about Vayne's corpse? Sure he could have some fun with that."

All the women glared at him, the nearby ones slapping him. Ezreal made a girlish squealing about how gross that was before Tristana got things back on track, "Let's just get him food."

With a lack of better options, the carries were forced to agree.


Kog'Maw walked beside Vayne, every few steps jumping into the air to try and fly. His wings fluttered but never kept him in the air. She had promised him he'd get a wonderful birthday present if he went with her, and he trusted her fully, so off they went, into a secluded section of Ionia.

"How much longer we walk?" he asked, stubby legs growing sore from trying to keep pace with her.

"It's the next clearing," she replied, slowing down as she noticed him sweat slightly from the long walk. Hesitantly, she reached down and stroked his head, petting him like she would a dog. He nuzzled up into her hand and smiled, steps rejuvenated.

They walked into the open field and were greeted by Syndra descending, a smirk on her face. Vayne blinked, almost not recognizing her but for the headress and expression. Syndra was decked out in red, gold and iron and the three orbs circling her were a translucent golden color instead of their usual opaque, murky depths. She looked much nicer in this outfit, more gentle.

"Happy birthday, Kog'Maw," she laughed, the smirk never leaving her face, but Vayne was hopeful this wasn't a trap.

"Hello, Syndra," the Night Hunter greeted, followed by Kog thanking her, an innocent grin marking his massive mouth.

"Did your sweetheart tell you what your present is?" the Dark Sovereign simpered, eyes focused on Vayne and laughing at her.

"No," Kog replied briefly, walking towards the other woman, expecting something from her.

"Oh, a surprise, I love surprises. Especially when I know what they are," she snickered, her eyes glowing gold as her hands lifted, the orbs rising to circle her.

Vayne was nervous, hoping this wasn't some sort of voodoo ritual to take over Kog or herself, but soon the Void monster's wings began to glow, the radiant golden light shooting off his wings for a foot before becoming invisible in the sunlight.

"Flap your wings, little butterfly," Syndra sing-songed, seeming almost childlike, as though she was watching one of the butterflies raised in a school project take flight when it was released.

Kog'Maw hesitantly fluttered his wings, surprised when he lifted off the ground and stayed in the air. He whirled around to look at Vayne, almost as if seeking her approval to fly higher, and she smiled somewhat awkwardly, nodding at him. He darted into the sky, shooting skywards, an expansive smile on his face.

He zipped through the clouds above, twisting and turning, diving and then accelerating back up, dropping back down to fly around the two women, chortling all the while.

Vayne glanced over at the Dark Sovereign and was surprised. Syndra looked like a kid in a candystore, a genuine grin on her face as she watched her creation soar, clapping her hands excitedly as Kog'Maw zoomed through a cloud, splitting it in two. She wondered just how old the floating woman really was - Syndra certainly looked youthful enough to still have been a teenager, or at least have a more childlike mentality.

Suddenly Syndra flopped down to the ground, lying on her back in the lush grass. She glanced over at the Night Hunter and motioned for her to follow, "Lie down, it's a better view. Like watching clouds."

Not one to trifle with Syndra while she had her hardcore guard down, Vayne slowly dropped to the grass, lying back and watching as Kog'Maw happily flew. Syndra cheered whenever he did a flip or created a shape in the sky while Vayne silently watched, letting Syndra forget she was there and enjoy her handiwork.

Finally, Kog descended back to the ground and they sat up. He waddled over, snuggling Syndra first in thanks and then Vayne, though he was so tired from the thrill of it he plopped down in her lap, so she just let him stay.

"It's permanent. Whenever you use the wings, you can fly, I enchanted them," Syndra beamed, proud of her magic.

"That's very kind of you Syndra, I'm sure he appreciates that very much, right Kog?" Vayne prompted, knowing that at times the Voidling could be absent-minded and forget Runeterran customs.

"Yea, now I fly all the time! Thank you Syndra, you my favorite new champion," Kog'Maw smiled, tail wagging excitedly from Vayne's lap.

That seemed to snap Syndra out of her childlike trance and her face returned to its previous smirk as she ascended back into the air, turning around as she floated off towards the staircase to her temple, "As if there's any competition. Happy birthday play things."

Left alone, Kog'Maw collapsed, worn out from flying and walking so far, and Vayne reclined back into the grass, content to let him rest before they went back for the rest of his party.


A few hours later, after Kog'Maw had woken up from his nap, he turned to the Night Hunter and studied her before she woke and sat up, shifting awkwardly when she realized Kog had never left her lap and was growing somewhat heavy.

"I really want to thank for this," he began, looking deep into her eyes, and though she tried, she couldn't drag her gaze away to break the contact.

"It's.. it's nothing," she stuttered, cursing herself for being so nervous - it was just Koggy, he was a sweet little hungry Void monster, what was there to be worried about?

Vayne realized just how close Kog'Maw really was to her and blinked. Off in Freljord, there would be a massive assortment of food, but Kog'Maw would feast upon none of it - though he certainly would eat something else.

"I make you feel like you flying too," Kog'Maw murmured, leaning in. Vayne met his lips with her own. She pulled back momentarily, but only to whisper something to him:

"It may not be dark, but you can lay me bare for as long as you like."


Thank you for your time, look forward to future updates to the series.

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Senior Member


I LIKE IT rofl....HAHAHA OMG this is actually really nice. i love kog maw as a champion period. probably my favorite ADC besides vayne and trist. +69 for the pseudonyms ;D

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Best pairing since morgana and kogmaw
I also love the refs to pop culture and u-know-what

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Senior Member


so many names. I mean like. wtf is it changing the size eveything ****ing minute or what?

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Senior Member


just noticed i necrod this haha ;D

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Senior Member


Oh this is glorious

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Junior Member


Global researches have proven that drugs can cause hallucinations. Don't do drugs!!!

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Oh Kog'Maw, you bring out the best in LoL Fanfiction.

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He shook his head, in a daze, before finally snapping out of it. Then she saw the tears welling up in his eyes, all four of them. She didn't even know things from the Void had tear ducts, but apparently so. He sniffled once before mumbling, "Just wanted to thank..."

That got my feelers. MOAR UPVOTES