It's All in the Cards (Twisted Fate x Darius)

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Paradoxors

Senior Member

09-15-2012

Not my first attempt at a fan-fic, but hopefully my first successful one! Please vote up and comment for MOAR!


Part I




Twisted Fate sat at his table in the shadow blossom casino in the outskirts of Noxus. Four other men sat there, staring at the cards in their hands and sweating. On the inside, he was smiling, outwardly he glanced around at the men around the table, no expression on his pale features. He leaned forward and lifted an eyebrow. One man gulped and said “FOLD!” before dashing away into the crowd. The rest of them sighed and placed their cards down. Twisted Fate was the first to flip his cards, and for the thousandth time that day, the faces of a queen, king, jack and an ace stared up at the surrounding people. One man began rubbing his temples, another leaned back and sighed, the third one began to cry. Now Twisted Fate was smiling. He loved playing against normal people. They were so easily tricked.

As the men walked away from the table, and Twisted Fate pocketed his winnings, he cocked his head to one side, as if listening for something. After a moment he smiled and tapped a passing butler on the shoulder, “Excuse me,” He said. “A man just arrived by the name of Andrew Evans. He is wearing a black suit and has an over-extended stomach. Would you be so kind as to escort him to this table?” The butler nodded and headed off towards the casino entrance. He soon returned with a chubby man, who's face was fairly pink and his eyes were wild, darting hither and thither, as if someone was following him. “Hello Evans” Said Twisted Fate. “I've been expecting you.”


Evans gulped “Of...of c-c-course you were... y-y-you always know everything Mr. Fate...”

“MR. Fate? Quite unnecessary for a Noxian noble Evans....anyway...you'd think that after all our dealings, you would have learned something. Hiring a bunch of thugs to watch your back?”

“Th...Thugs?” said Evans. “What are you talking about?

Twisted Fate picked up three cards and held them up for Evans to see, suddenly he spun around and threw them at three different men in the crowd. Each card hit their target in the throat, killing them instantly.

Evans started sweating and wrung his hands. “J...just a safety precaution...you are a v...very dangerous man”.

“Of course I am, other wise you wouldn't have called on me. Now....what is it you want this time Evans?”

Evan's face was really red now. “Well...you see...There is a new general in the Noxian army. His name is Darius. Every since he became general he's been trying to weed out the so called “weak” members of the Noxian hierarchy. And according to my sources... I'M his next target!”

Twisted Fate laughed. “So your hiring me to take him out? Alright, I'll do it. Of course... he's not not exactly wrong about you being weak. Also, I'd prefer 50% of my pay up-front”.

Evans nodded feverishly and pulled out a note for 1000 gold coins “Alright, here's the 50% like you asked. The rest will be given upon delivery of Darius's head.”



Twisted fate pocketed the note and tipped his hat to Evans. “Pleasure doing business with you!”. And before Evans could reply, Twisted Fate had Teleported himself far away from the casino, and into the heart of Noxus city.


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Paradoxors

Senior Member

09-17-2012

can i at least get SOME feedback?


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Yasako

Senior Member

09-17-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hendarth View Post
Not my first attempt at a fan-fic, but hopefully my first successful one! Please vote up and comment for MOAR!





Twisted Fate sat at his table in the shadow blossom casino in the outskirts of Noxus. Awkward sentence; two prepositions of the same type. Shadow Blossom is not capitalized. Four other men sat there, staring at the cards in their hands and sweating. On the inside, he was smiling; outwardly he glanced around at the men around the table, no expression on his pale features. He leaned forward and lifted an eyebrow. One man gulped and said “FOLD!” before dashing away into the crowd. The rest of them sighed and placed their cards down. Twisted Fate was the first to flip his cards, and for the thousandth time that day, the faces of a queen, king, jack and an ace stared up at the surrounding people. One man began rubbing his temples, another leaned back and sighed, and the third one began to cry. Now Twisted Fate was smiling. "Twisted Fate smiled" would, imo, be a better sentence for flow. He loved playing against normal people. This is an odd phrase to use. They were so easily tricked.

As the men walked away from the table, and Twisted Fate pocketed his winnings, he cocked his head to one side, as if listening for something. Split this into two sentences so each action gets its proper focus. After a moment, he smiled and tapped a passing butler on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he said. “A man just arrived by the name of Andrew Evans. He is wearing a black suit and has an over-extended Over-extended stomach? Is his stomach a champion in LoL now? stomach. Would you be so kind as to escort him to this table?” The butler nodded and headed off towards the casino entrance. He soon returned with a chubby man, who's whose face was fairly pink and his whose eyes were wild, darting hither and thither, as if someone was following him. A little long-winded, with 5 possible commas. “Hello Evans,said Twisted Fate. “I've been expecting you.”


Evans gulped. “Of...of c-c-course you were... y-y-you always know everything Mr. Fate...”

“MR. Fate? Quite unnecessary for a Noxian noble, Evans....anyway...you'd think that after all our dealings, you would have learned something. Hiring a bunch of thugs to watch your back?”

“Th...Thugs?” said Evans. “What are you talking about?

Twisted Fate picked up three cards and held them up for Evans to see. All at once he spun around and threw them at three different men in the crowd. Each card hit their its target in the throat, killing them instantly. I don't think killing off random people in a public area is advisable plot-wise.

Evans started sweating and wrung his hands. “J...just a safety precaution...you are a v...very dangerous man”.

“Of course I am, other wise you wouldn't have called on me. Now....what is it you want this time Evans?”

Evan's face was really red now. “Well...you see...There is a new general in the Noxian army. His name is Darius. Ever since he became general he's been trying to weed out the so called “weak” members of the Noxian hierarchy. And according to my sources... I'M his next target!”

Twisted Fate laughed. “So you're hiring me to take him out? Alright, I'll do it. Of course... he's not exactly wrong about you being weak. Also, I'd prefer 50% of my pay up-front”.

Evans nodded feverishly and pulled out a note for 1000 gold coins “Alright, here's the 50% like you asked. The rest will be given upon delivery of Darius's head.”



Twisted fate pocketed the note and tipped his hat to Evans. “Pleasure doing business with you!”. And before Evans could reply, Twisted Fate had Teleported himself far away from the casino, and into the heart of Noxus. The word city was omitted, as it is redundant.

Comments in bold.

Besides all the technical syntax nitpickery that I've spit out, the premise itself is weak. Darius was climbing up the ladder with his Noxian Guillotine, not just randomly assassinating "weak" nobles. If he has already gotten to the stage where he is killing the aristocracy, he likely isn't doing it himself.

If you can explain this away later, it'd be fine.