LEAGUE JUDGMENT - Twisted Fate

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ipleadthefif208

Senior Member

09-23-2010

bump


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Lord Gorthax

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazuz View Post
I see this is were you spend your time when you are not editing the wiki, back to work Sysop!
I am proud to have help contribute to this as well*. Great story, as a huge TF lover plz make the rest of this great

*the wiki that is


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D3Reap3R

Emissary of the League

10-04-2010

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazuz View Post
I see this is were you spend your time when you are not editing the wiki, back to work Sysop!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Gorthax View Post
I am proud to have help contribute to this as well*. Great story, as a huge TF lover plz make the rest of this great

*the wiki that is
I edit the Wikia whenever I have ideas or additions to do, or to make. I already told you that I keep a semi-active profile on the Wikia.


Anyway, Updated. New Comments and Ratings please!


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A Retarded Clown

Senior Member

10-22-2010

its not as badass as it could have been, as with the champion, your missing out on a lot of the character's potential to be unique and interesting with the lore


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D3Reap3R

Emissary of the League

12-27-2010

I finished it and rounded it up a little. It is not perfect whatsoever, however I try my best to improve it whenever I see something worth editing in. Take a look, give a comment and show me what you think!


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EdwinMols

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Senior Member

12-28-2010

Interesting judgment - I enjoyed your inclusion of TF's family as a driving force for his eventual joining of the League. Occasionally your word choice and sentence structure interfere with the storytelling - I look forward to seeing it after more editing.

Great job!


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D3Reap3R

Emissary of the League

12-31-2010

Can you name some examples, so I can fix them out in the future and keep a eye open for them ?


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EdwinMols

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Senior Member

01-01-2011

To be precise, word choice and sentence structure fall (for the most part) under a stylistic approach, and I don't want to give the impression that I think my advice falls under anything but opinion.

"A sense of pride followed the tall person suit as his tender steps..."

Perhaps you meant to say "tall person's suit" - I'm not sure if you meant for the pride to be following the compound noun that you created "person suit" or if you meant to say "person's suit" and have the pride be following his suit. Also, the word "tender" conveys that his steps were delicate and soft, but the word choice carries a heavy connotation of weakness or fragility. Experiment until you find the word you like the best.

"Calculating Eyes met a faint trace of dismay on their way on these long stone floor..."

I try to avoid repetitions of the same preposition, like "on" in this case. Was "Eyes" meant to be capitalized? Describing the emotion of dismay as one that is "met" by someone's gaze "on their way" to what is being gazed upon is confusing - many people will have to read this passage twice to get what you mean.

"...as unseen looks insignificantly hide their presence for the common man."

Here you say that the "looks" hide their presence. Are these "looks" the gaze of the Eyes mentioned beforehand, or that of the floor upon which the Eyes gaze? Furthermore, why are these looks unseen? If they are unseen and refer to something besides the Eyes and the floor, then what is it? Why is it insignificant that they hide? Do you mean to say "from the common man," or are you implying that they are hiding for the purposes of the common man? Who is the common man - is it Twisted Fate?

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I don't mean to nitpick, I did enjoy your piece greatly!


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D3Reap3R

Emissary of the League

03-11-2011

Improved it further. Give it a (new) try and tell me if you see other stuff you dislike.

EDIT:
@EdwinMols: Thanks a lot! I tried to make it a little more clear. Give me more informations or point other quotes out, if these are not fine yet.

EDITē:
Adjusted the Judgment to the general Judgment format. Give me some informations or comment it please. I'd love to get criticism!


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