Transgression of the Radiant Dawn

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Dakzu

Senior Member

09-20-2012

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Originally Posted by Ark Angel HFB View Post
It is solid... not the greats but certainly in the pretty good area...

It is a nice story thing seems to move decently and the character seems to be in line with how she might act...

All and all.. I enjoyed it. Good job... write more...

in fact I challenge you to write a that centers on MF and Garen in some way...
Thanks. I'd love to know what you didn't like about it. For constructive criticism and to get better!


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ImpureAscetic

Junior Member

09-20-2012

Really good stuff. I enjoyed it a lot. You describe the action really well without it clogging up the flow of text, which is no small accomplishment. Graves is fun to write, no?


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Ark Angel HFB

Senior Member

09-20-2012

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Originally Posted by Dakzu View Post
Thanks. I'd love to know what you didn't like about it. For constructive criticism and to get better!
I think that you could have given her more Dialog in tribunal scene... at least had her comment on ether how she viewed her action or try to defend them in some way.

You wouldn't even need to add that much, could easily have her start out talking and then have the elder cut her off with sending her to the roof if she started to defend her actions.

Idk like I said it was a good story... I wouldn't call it great due to how short it is...

Longer fics of the same calaber of writing can become great due to the readers invest ment to the character. however with this being very short it is hard to get that attached to the characters mainly due to how every fic about LoL is a new world and the Fannon is not really that astablished.

So for a two chapter story, which contains a simple three act set up of (The Fight/The Trial/The Judgement) it is decent... although I think the second act was a bit lacking and we didn't get enough insight into Leona through thoughts or anything she said.

So once again I like'd it... i enjoy your writing, if you took on longer projects rather than a short story I think I would enjoy it even more because you could take your time building up the emotions and then when the pay off hits.... it would be awesome...

In short this story feels like chapter 3-4 of a longer story and I kinda wish I had read chapter 1-2 before reading this one. ^_^

Her teaming up with Graves, maybe fighting with him first, Some subtle interaction with Panth or even Diana in a chapter before could do a lot to have her being pushed to the actions she took.

In short you have talent... now give yourself enough of a canvas(More chapters) to work with and show it off, and build a view of the world people can really have come to life.


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Dakzu

Senior Member

09-21-2012

Yes, that's true. A short story does trade away a lot of character investment. It is a bit of a snap-shot story, sorry it felt a little awkward and out of place. I'm glad you enjoy the writing though, from a technical and stylistic perspective.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback!


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Ark Angel HFB

Senior Member

09-21-2012

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Originally Posted by Dakzu View Post
Yes, that's true. A short story does trade away a lot of character investment. It is a bit of a snap-shot story, sorry it felt a little awkward and out of place. I'm glad you enjoy the writing though, from a technical and stylistic perspective.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback!
It didn't feel awkward... just it didn't feel good long enough...

It is like when you are sitting at a table and a friend of yours comes up behind you and rubs your shoulders for a second or two as a hello... don't look at me like that you all know people that do that...

Anyway the point is the shoulder rub felt great... the only problem is that the second they stop you realize just how much a good long shoulder rub would feel and instead you are left with just a little two second one... so even though the action was nice... it left you resenting it a bit due to how awesome it could have been...

Basically your fic was a two second shoulder rub to me... awesome and displaying the full ability to make something great... but ended so fast there was not enough time to enjoy it.

*sigh...* why do my analogies always go to weird places... also now I really want a back rub. T_T.


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Youso1337

Member

09-21-2012

I always love reading a good Leona fic. Yours is quite awesome, showing that even on the Fields of Justice, Leona is willing to go "f*ck the rules, I'm doing what's right!", even if it has consequences.

Great work, man.


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Dakzu

Senior Member

09-24-2012

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Originally Posted by Youso1337 View Post
I always love reading a good Leona fic. Yours is quite awesome, showing that even on the Fields of Justice, Leona is willing to go "f*ck the rules, I'm doing what's right!", even if it has consequences.

Great work, man.

Thanks! Much appreciated.


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Dakzu

Senior Member

09-28-2012

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Originally Posted by Dakzu View Post
Shameful, self-serving bump
^


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Dakzu

Senior Member

10-15-2012

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Originally Posted by Dakzu View Post
^
Just felt like it.


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Dakzu

Senior Member

12-28-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakzu View Post
Just felt like it.
Yep.