The Explorer and Love (Ezreal and Lux)

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LeticiaLBF

Junior Member

03-13-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkz1234 View Post
I always thought Lux was 18-ish. Ezreal seems to be 19-ish.
In the lore, Lux is like 14-ish. As for Ezreal, in his pulsefire skin he sounds like an adult (because it means he is "from the future"), unlike in his other skins, in which he sounds like a teenager.


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LeticiaLBF

Junior Member

03-14-2013

Well, just finished reading, and I got to say it was fairly well written, though it had some flaws. Take it as construtive criticism, not a bashing insult. ;)
Before I start, I know some people might reply me with "Oh, if you think it shouldn't have been that way, then write a better one. I bet you have no talent.", so I'll tell you all: this critique is coming from a experienced writer and a person that reads a lot, so I know the structure of a coherent and good story.

Ok, I'm going to point out some flaws, so you can get better the next time you write stories. :)

Starting with character interpretation. Btw, I noted how you replied to someone that called out on the fact that Ez doesn't care about the league.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gnomeasauros View Post
Clearly, you DON'T understand what Fan Fiction is. This is my world of LoL.. It's how I think it should be. No need to leave comments like that on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gnomeasauros View Post
Thank you, but, I'd prefer if people like him wouldn't comment on this story like that, it's fan fiction, so I make what happens, when it happens, and how it happens. And I'm always half asleep when I make chapters, because it's the last thing I do before heading off.
I need to say something. Yes, you may create everything as you want, but you are using other people's characters. The quality of your story will be determined by how you keep their original personalities intact, if you change the way they think, they'll look like OCs.

Character Interpretation

Lux is a bit out of character in the beggining. She seems way too flirty with Ezreal, a guy she has just met... Suggesting to sleep in the same bed and all...
Lux is from a wealthy family, she'd not act so naughty like that in such situation. When you see her waltzing in the game, you can see that she probably has had her behaviour "refined", so she has a lot of class and she's very polite.
Other than that, she seems to be fine. Her acting naughty after they got together is okay, she was being sweet, just like she is lore wise, so that was an accurate speculation of what she'd behave like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleBlitz View Post
May i just say garen would probably excute any guy who went near his sister
Garen seems a bit out of character in the beginning as well. I think he would act a bit protectively over Lux at first, and then he'd soften up, instead of finding everything nice from the start. The way he acts towards the others however, seems to be fine, though I think he could act a bit more... "Confident", after all, he's not exactly that humble.

Ezreal is mostly okay. I saw some people saying he was "too happy", well, I agree with what you said about him, guess some people are mistaking excitement with "happiness", though maybe he could have been a bit "cockier".
Ez is an adventurer, the fact that he had to stay in one place for most of the time instead of going out on a journey to travel around the world sort of kills his core personality a bit, but you still managed to make him behave accurately lore wise most of the time, so it's okay. Also, the story seemed to go a bit too fast at certain points, what hastened Ez feelings for Lux a bit.

The rest of the characters didn't appear THAT much, so it was a bit hard to analyse their personalities. But I still could point out some minor flaws.

Master Yi was shown as not bright... He's actually just as wise as Lee Sin, the "not that bright" role should have been fullfiled by Wukong instead, since he's still an apprentice (that didn't surpass his master yet).
For example, that line asking what Lee Sin was seeing should have been said by Wu to be more lore wise accurate. He could have been cockier too. Still, that scene with him hitting Ez's head was very accurate. Good job on that one. :)

Insane Shaco was really good, but his politeness/kindness were... Surprinsing. Although it should seem a bit off, I think it's not exactly impossible for him to be kind when he wants to, though I think he'd be kind in his own way... And that means it'd not be THAT kind, lol. His display of skill, however, was really accurate. He was the perfect trickster there. Nice job.

I think Ziggs could have acted a bit more hyperactive when he first met Ez. I couldn't analyse Heim properly.
The rest of the demacians seemed to be okay. They almost didn't show any major traces of their personalities, so... I couldn't see flaws. Same with the Noxians.
However I found that moment in which Kat allowed Garen and Ez to take Lux back funny. Though I think she'd have probably went to a sparring session with Garen, even if she had let Ez take Lux with him. XD

Story Flow, Coherence, General Content Elements and Grammar/Spelling

The story was in general "well paced", though sometimes it went too fast (some events were a bit rushed) and another times it went too slow (they spent way too long doing just routine stuff, like cooking, eating, sleeping, having "family conversations", etc). The plot twists didn't make the story confusing, that's a good thing, it means you knew how to place them properly. :)

As I had mentioned before, you hastened Lux and Ez's relationship a bit in the beginning. Of course, the guy and the girl getting their first kiss in the ending is very cliché, but falling in love and getting together way too fast isn't that exciting either. This is stuff for short stories/one shots.

Something that keeps people reading until the end is that suspense, you give some hints, but don't slap them together (at least not so fast), and people will go like: "When will they kiss? I can't wait for it!"
You'll hold the attention of most fan girls (since they're in general pleased by the slightest fluffy moment, believe in me, I saw several fangirls reviews of many fanfictions and stories), and if you write the progress without way too much fluffy/cheesy stuff, you can keep even the guys that aren't that fond of romance interested.
Obviously, the biggest mistake one can make is to try to please everybody. Just forget it, it's impossible, but you can extend the range of different kinds of people you can please. ;)

There were minor plot holes. For example: Ez and Garen had the same dreams in the hospital. You drew a lot of attention for that fact, but didn't give an explanation for it. I was wondering if maybe it was Nocturne's interference, but he didn't appear in the story at all. :/
You also drew a lot of attention for the rune markings Ez had, but none of the Priests ended up knowing anything about them, Ez didn't comment what he had learned from Wukong with them and also, the markings didn't have any importance in the end.
There wasn't much solid background about why had Shyv been captured and why was Noxus interested in killing Ez just because of those rune markings either.

Also, it was a bit... Uncoherent when the Noxians had to introduce themselves to the Ionian "monks" and Ezreal. Ez always says he hates Noxians, that means he knows who they are, and Ionia went at war against Noxus when the latter tried to conquer the island, so the Ionians should also know who the Noxians were. But that was a minor flaw, so it's alright.

Kidnapping and ambushing was rather common and frequent in this story. It almost got to the point of becoming repetitive. I saw you commenting you were planning on making 20/30 chapters. If you kept with this, the story wouldn't go too far. You created a war scenario 2 times, and war is already one great addition to a story, but you wrote rushed battles, so you couldn't use this resource forever.
If you're going to write several rushed battles, you'll have to write a longer one to represent the start of the actual war soon. But it might make people get a bit tired of the plot before you get to the real war.
I personally think that kidnapping must happen only once. Twice is more than enough already, but it's still acceptable. Otherwise, either you'll make everyone a bit dense (if you make everybody get kidnapped) or you'll make one of the characters a useless ward that only serves to be kidnapped (if you kidnap the same character several times).

Another thing, even if you are using characters we know, when introducing them, you should give at least a brief description of what they look like and then give their names. Not everyone will remember who that character is just by the name.
It's the same with the skills. Instead of using the name of the skill, you should just describe what it does briefly, because not everyone will remember what the skill does.
For example, Ez's Mystic Shot could be described as a quick bolt of energy, and when you said he was trying to Arcane Shift out of his cell, you could have said he tried to blink through the cell bars, the TB could have been described by: "he channeled for a moment and shot a barrage of energy".
Of course, these are just suggestions, but they'd make the fights easier to follow, specially to people that don't know too much about the characters you're using.

The grammar and spelling were okay in general. Just some minor flaws, but the reading was just fine, no "nonsense" stuff.

Conclusion and General Final Analysis

I actually really liked the ending. It wasn't a happy ending from fairytales (cliché and for little kids) and it wasn't way too sad and depressing either (overdramatic). It had a touch of hurt/comfort stuff, and the last lines complimented that feeling greatly, without making it dramatic. So, great job. :)

So in general, the story was fairly well written, the flaws were not that big, they didn't ruin the story. It was a nice reading, I hope you keep improving. Good luck and have fun with your next stories. :)


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GentleManly Tige

Senior Member

05-10-2013

Please make a link to this story, I can't stand Lux dying, it's too sad.


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FuZziiEe

Junior Member

05-10-2013

Please make more! Hurry Swift Archer and Gnomeasauros


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Rhinocatres

Junior Member

05-16-2013

Quote:
Swift Archer
and/or
Quote:
Gnomeasauros
make more chapter i really HATE you Gnomy for kill lux but its a so good story i love i cry a little when i read lux was dead, its a very good history so plz continue it


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Zaylnmarou

Junior Member

05-19-2013

Wow this is an amazing book you are doing here, if i should call it a book.... more of a short story... but AYWAYS please please please make more of tese I love reading this series on lux and ezreal, and if I could id buy this as an actually novel. Fantastic work and i cant wait to see more! Please dont stop... PLEASE!!!! Id be forever sad!


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xXSetsunaXxX

Member

05-20-2013

Amazing, please work on this very hard. I can't stand Lux dead.


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Gnomeasauros

Senior Member

05-27-2013

Hey guys! Finally finished all the drama I had to deal with. Swift Archer, I like how you're continuing it! Thank you all for the support, and I'll be working on my Lee Sin story for a while. Message me on League of Legends if you want to talk to me. I love you all! .


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Gnomeasauros

Senior Member

05-28-2013

Actually. I don't think I'll be making the Blind Dragon.. Any thoughts on a Fan Fiction? Any one? If you can't message me here, just add me on League of Legends and let me know.


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Chezzy

Recruiter

06-02-2013

So I compiled Gnomeasauros's fanfic here:
http://pastebin.com/k3m1kJJ5