Tutorial: How to talk like a Rioter

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Midnight Blues

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SUPER EDIT: VIDEO IS UP, HERE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVyOM...ature=youtu.be


Hello again my fellow summoners!

So we've all been subject to at least one Riot members wondrously fluent responses in regard to our deep set champion or item related issues. But have you ever wondered just how they do it? Just how they keep us all on knife edge without really offending, or ruining anyones day? (Morello/Phreak you be quiet here)

Ever thought to yourself
"Boy, I wish i could talk just like a Rioter!"
After all, such superb speechcraft can be useful in a whole manner of situations!

Imagine forgetting your homework at school?
whoosh! Ricklessabandon style engaged!
Crisis averted - Detention evaded.

But midnight! How on earth can we be expected to learn the nooks and crannies of Riots speech skills!? Im no speech analyst.

Well look no further ladies and Gentlemen, Guys and Dolls.

Old man Blues is here to help you all out

How to talk like a Rioter 101

Rule number 1. The first and foremost rule.
Never give a timeframe.

How to tell someone you've cocked up - RiotRaRa style

When admitting you've messed something up, Always be sure to blame whatever it is that you've messed up, for the accident. Act as though the actual item has a mind of its own, and, against your best advice; decided to do you over at the last minute.

Teacher: I notice your homework wasn't handed in today Tommy
Response: Sorry Miss, but unforeseen critical issues with the syntax have delayed my homework. Updates when they come
Teacher: Oh I understand. Well! whenever you can, i'll be waiting

How to tell someone you disagree with them - Morello style

When someone's arguing with you on a clearly stupid basis, and you really can't figure out how to make them understand how stupid they are, Try telling them it's all about the bigger picture. Maybe that their opinions are only as such because they don't have any sufficient evidence.

If they provide evidence, tell them it was out of context.

Dude: How can you possibly think that? Obviously Jello is great
You: Well you would say that. You've got to think about how Jello affects desert on the whole though.
Dude: What? Dude, 80% of Americans love Jello. isn't that good enough for you?
You: Well clearly that evidence is out of context. Do 80% of Americans love Crime too? Hmm? I thought so.
Dude: I don't even
You: That's out of context.

How to not give anything away - ANYONE STYLE

Sometimes, lets say your friends are in an argument. You don't wanna take sides. Maybe you're working for a big corperation as a spokesperson, and someone asks you your "personal, unprofessional opinion". As much as you'd love to give it, you really can't.

The trick is to just speak in riddles. Give nothing away

Reporter: Mister Blues, disregarding your position in ConAir, what's your opinion in Global emmisions due to aerotravel?
Mr Blues: Well. Aero travel is a difficult thing to spell. It's not spelt the way you'd pronounce it. Can anyone really have any opinions in something so difficult to spell?

Friend1: Well, (NAME), what do you think? Am i right or is (friend2) Right?
You: Well guys. It's hard to really understand the nature of arguments sometimes. Potentially, both sides can have a reasonable argument with no real understanding of one another. This is the main cause of the issue
Friend1: uh... Yeah that's what I said

NEW:How to agree with someone! - RiotTacoStorm Style!

Whenever attempting to endorse or agree with an idea or opinion, always excite that it'll be your next cosplay idea. No matter the scenario.

Dude: Mate, Scarlett Johanson was SOOO hot in that Avengers movie!
You: Yeah man. She's definitely gonna be my next cosplay
Dude: how are you going to get past the... boobs?

How to answer unsolvable questions

Whenever someone asks you a question to which the answer could only ever be "Yeah I messed up", or "yeah Life is just a ***** like that". Always insist the final solution is a positive attitude

Dude: Dude, why did you order mushrooms on my pizza? You know Im allergic
You: You'll find a positive attitude towards pizza has more to do with it than any allergies or intolerances
Dude: No man, i'm gonna die if i eat this
You: With an attitude like that, it wouldn't surprise me friend

How to cease arguments, without question - Tryndamere style!

Sometimes, your other Riot tactics just wont work. You don't want to back down and lose the argument, so you've got one final card to pull. The Tryndamere card. To successfully pull off the Tryndamere card, Halt the opposition with a swift flick of the hand. Take the ringleader, look him dead in the eyes, and with an air of unmatchable confidence. Tell him you're trying. Apologize if you need to. Hold him close, and make him feel like you really care about his opinion.

Use this skill wisely, in the wrong hands it could destroy worlds

That same Dude you keep talking to: Man! I can't believe you did that with my sister! My God****ed Baby sister! I'm gonna kill you!
You: *Grab his shoulder, look him square in the face* I know. I'd be mad to. I don't blame you, but I'm asking you. Please. Forgive me. We all make mistakes.

That same dude will inevitably hold your gaze for a while longer, before breaking into tears as he confesses how much he loves you; and offers his sisters hand in marraige.

WARNING: Pulling this card more than once in an argument is a federal crime in most states

How to move arguments to your favour - PHREAK STYLE!

Sometimes an argument is falling, and you need to give it a boost, not a showstopper, but a boost to your side. Do this by reminding your opposition of other times you've been right, and they've been wrong. Do it with a snarky smile and a shake of the head if they try and argue against it. Accuse them of just speaking to soon, before they can really judge.

Again with the dude: Dude, you're seriously wrong this time. You killed my mom You can NOT argue your way out of this one.
You: Here we go again. This is just like that Mushrooms-on-the-pizza thing.
Dude: I went into a coma for three days!
You: *Shakes head* You're always jumping the gun with these things. You didn't even give the mushrooms a chance, of course you'd think they caused the coma.

Buttering up tactics - Ironstylus style!

So sometimes you don't/can't necessarily win an argument. When this is the case, it's best to employ Ironstylus tactics. Do this by appealing to their sense of goodwill. They're a cool guy. You're a cool guy! Surely you can work this out!

When in doubt, reference strong, independent and modest women.

(It looks like you only really have one friend here): Dude, it pisses me off that your brother keeps sending me these chain letters
You: Dude, I know, i know, I'm annoyed with it too. But isn't it all just silly? Surely we're bigger men than to worry about something so small
(That one friend of yours): huh... I guess it is just a bit of text right?
You: Of course man, don't worry about it. Now lets put on our monacles and Top hats, and Go on the walk for some fine ladies to pick up.
Other guy:The Kind that don't put flesh on display, and insist on paying their half for dinner?
You: The only kind.
(It's him again):Wait, what about my sister? Didn't you two get married?
You: Due to unforeseen critical issues in our relationship, your sister and I have had to regrettably find a difference in opinion which had caused a lot of confusion on either side. I can promise I'm doing everything in my power to clear the issue up, but it's so early in the process that I can't promise anything solid

Now smile and walk off into the sunset.

How to give input - WhattayaBrian style!

Sometimes you don't really have any strong argument or facts either way, but you still want to look like you've got something to say. When this is the case, adopt WYB style, and simply comment upon something which has been spoken about in the conversation so far. Something small, and never say too many words.

(I'm thinking theres more between this guy and you than you're telling us): So I think the Harry potter books are terrible man.
(You have another friend?): What!? Man they're the greatest books of all time. JK Rowling is a legend of our world. Best writer ever
(That first, loyal dude): Are you kidding? She writes for 13 year olds. She just kept publishing books for the money, she doesn't care about her audience
(Other guy): Oh that's ridiculous, lets ask (You), what do you think, (You?)

You: Well, 13 year olds certainly do enjoy reading.

SHABLAM. Both parties presume you know too much to even debate it

How to win arguments that make you look bad - Pendragon style!

So sometimes someone will be saying something, or claiming some falsehood, which is making you or an attatchment to you look bad, broken or unprofessional. When this is the case you need to be firm, sharp and don't give them a chance to recover. Make and example of them so future opposition knows the score

(Here he is again): Man! How the hell could you let me go home with some random stranger! You knew I was drunk as hell, anything could have happened! What kind of friend are you!
You: *Charging...* *Charging...* *Explode*. What kind of friend am I? Am i the kind of friend who gets catatonic enough and so hazardous to my own safety that I force the ones close to me to have to give up their nights to look after me, just because I'm too stupid to know when to stop? This isn't the first time you've made an ass of yourself, and it isn't my job to clean up after you. Sort your life out and get a job, the world is sick of watching you wallow in a pool of your own drunken vomit.
(That guy's taken back): Wha... but I...
You: *FINISHER* Get out of my sight. Don't talk to me again.

For the sake of this threads coherency, you and the guy were friends again after this

How to win people over - Nikasaur style!

sometimes you're not necessarily arguing, but you want to make a good impression. When attempting this- always presume your audience is 14 year old girls. Speak with lots of excitement and higher pitch than usual, and when in doubt, mention chibis and Cute things Also, if there's a fight going on, convince them that instead of fighting, it'd be more fun to just dance!. People will be attempting to stalk you in no time!

(There's a new guy this time!): Hey, Im newgai. That one dude you spoke to told me you were a-Ok
You: Oh hey there man! How's it going! I love that little beard you got going on. It makes you look so cuuuute :3
(The guy you just met): Uhm... thanks? heh :/
You: I can already tell we're gonna have soooo much fun together. Totally, awesome friendship engaged!
(that other guy): You know what dude, you're awesome. I love you. Please Play LoL with me forever. You're my favourite riot impersonator in the world

Eg 2

(That new guy again!) - Hey man! How the hell can you say that Anivia is a good mid. She's terrible! High mana costs, slow rotation pre-6, weak assed!
(That regular chump of yours) - No way! Anivia rocks! I'm gonna kill you violently now because i have no scope of acceptable social argument devices!
You: *stepping in* Don't fight! Guuuys.... wouldn't it be better if we just... danced?
(That new guy): Please... he's got a knife... he's going for me...call the cops...
(That regular chump) Yeah... Yeah i guess dancing could work...

*You and your regular chump engage in dancing as the new geezer legs it, fearing his life. The dancing stops when you see phreak approaching, rainbow flares and sunglasses in hand, ready for the Dance party*


Now, the much requestedHow to simply put down an issue you're not happy with - Zileas style!

Sometimes a debate is just getting tiring for you. People keep repeating themselves, 1000 people asking the same question. Your Godly expanse of knowledge has a clear explanation of why something will or won't work/happen, but your mortal bounds prevent you from actually explaining it in Human english. When this is the case, enter Zileas style, and simply deny the opposition of their own opinion. No matter how much they think they know what they want from you, You know better.

(Well hey again!): Dude, Come on man just give me that last slice of cake. You've had like half of it, we payed fairly we eat fairly :/
You: For the 20th time man...no it's mine.
(Him again): Dude come on you know how much i love cake! (Apparently im a fat guy now)
You: Listen. Just because you think you want cake, isn't a good enough reason for me to give it to you. On the grand scheme of things? You wanting a piece of cake now is entirely irrelevant, just a whisper in the wind. A creak in the dark. It means nothing and it matters not. Find me 30 million players who all want you to have cake? Maybe then we'll talk.

But until then this cake is F**king mine.

How to keep people loving you over a long period of time; whilst leading an extraordinarily busy lifestyle! - RYZE STYLE

Duty calls. You're a big man in a little world. All the puny humans are looking to you for updates and leadership, and other things. You don't have time to just constantly show them love. But humans are delicate creatures, leave them for too long and they'll stray. You need to pay attention to them once in a while. Engage Ryze style. Once every 400 years, show up and answer three entirely randomized questions, before disappearing for another Quad-century.

(Dudey has a friend since you haven't shown up in 400 years): Sigh. Seems like our debate about religion is never going to be solved.
(dudeys friend): well, you know what they say- if you wanna keep friends as friends, don't talk about politics or religion!
(Dudey): Yeah... Say... whatever happened to that old (You) guy anyway?
(dudey's friend): Yeah... i haven't seen him in ages...
(Dudey): Hey doesn't this make us over the age of 400...

*Thunder claps from above. A flash of lightning fills the sky. You appear in an eerie mist

You: No. Oreos do not count as a true flavour of milkshake. Yes. I do enjoy a quiet walk along the beach. And Yes. The original three Star wars' are better than the newer 3.

*Another flash of lightning, and you are gone*

NEW How to answer infinite Questions - Ezreal style!

So you're in a line of questioning that never ends? You need to answer a lot of challenges, but you don't have to time to just keep replying to things, what on earth can you do? Adopt Ezreal style. Make a single appearence once every month, answering all fathomable questions. People will be shocked and awed. And will love you. Even if you do have a pansy display pic.

(everyone in the whole ****ed world) :QUESTIONS ETC
You(once a month): No. I don't like dark chocolate. Yes, I think buses are a good method of transport. No I don't like Rihanna, Yes, I do like Eminem. Yes, I love croissonts. No, not chocolate ones. Yes, Pan au chocolates are different. No, I don't like then. Yes, I do refer to the third meal as "Tea". No, I do not drink tea. Yes, I do drink coffee. No, not from Starbucks. Yes, I do Stargaze, No i don't want stargate. Yes, I do believe the eyes are a gate to the soul. No, I don't like soul singers. Yes, i do main the Deathsinger, No i am not afraid of death, yes; i am afraid of spiders. No, i am not afraid of spiderman. Yes, i do enjoy the film. No, I did not enjoy the sequels, Yes, the Godfather sequels were as good as the first, if not better, No, i don't like butter.

this stance often requires a glass of water to function

How to attempt PR! RiotAmbassador(s) style!

So sometimes the big ol' reds aren't about, and you can't utilize their amazing speechcraft skills. In situations like this, it's important to just keep your questioners at bay, don't let them stray too much! Convince them that you're relaying their concerns back and forth between the big guys, like some dosed up pizza boy. Always speak as though the problem they've listed has been the cause of much concern higher up, for some time now.

Or just pull a "the beard" quote, and presumably get fired for doing so...

(Oh here he is): Hey...So i couldn't help noticing that my milk keeps going missing... and you know... I know it's you here man.
You: What? Oh i entirely understand what you're saying. And you know what? I've noticed that to be a recurring problem too in the past week or so. I'll keep talking to the rest of the flat about it, but I think things are definitely on the rise here.
(Him): Wha... I just want some milk back.. it's not a global event
You: I feel you bro. I've arranged a flat meeting tomorrow morning. We will get to the bottom of this.

How to solve tech problems - Wrenchm(e)n style!

Lets face it. We've all been in a situation where someone's looking for our help on a technical subject right? But what if you know nothing about technology! You still got to keep the look of intellect up right? Well the answer is simple. Computers are big, complex things. There's a lot of folders and a lot of files to choose from, most people have no idea what most of these even do. Keep your air of intelligence, by asking your questionee to pull the names of random files and locations from his computer. And hum every couple of files he names. Once you're bored doing it, tell him the problem lies deeper than you have control to fix - and he'll need to do a reinstall. If that fails, tell him he needs to take it to a specialist

(You two should get married - seriously): Dude what the hellll. Third time this week my Skyrim's CTD'd on me. It's getting dull. Say, you're pretty whizz with computers, think you can find out whats wrong?
You: Sure. okay first things first, where's your skyrim directory?
(You'd make a good couple): Uh, C drive, program files, Bethesda, Skyrim?
You: Okay open that folder, and tell me what the bottommost file is named.
(Kids would be an issue but...): Uh, it's just called TESV
You: Hmmmm
(You could get over it if you loved each other enough): Hmm? What does hmmm mean..
You: Nothing at the moment... just... interesting. Can you go into your data folder? Tell me the first file in that folder
(Which you clearly do): It's called Skyrim-animations.bsa , why does this have to do with
You: Ah. There we are. That's going to be a bit of an issue.
(Him): What? Isn't that just the animations file...
You: No no, that file should have a .tesv extention. it's clearly corrupted. You're going to need to reinstall
(Him): Are you serious? But it's just
You: Sorry mate, i can't help you any more than that

Thats all for now, Watch this space though, I'll add more questions that I see posted!
This thread is in Jest.

That means its funny, not offensive.


This just in. Any Rioter posting in this thread will get their own personal speechcraft signature move.

Edit:Well **** son... 5 riot posts and 200 upvotes. This thing is going on the elevator to the TOP FLOOR.

If i hit 500 upvotes, I shall create a video featuring me performing the Riot speechcrafts. That's a promise.

Keep the thread warm guys!

Edit2: Uh... It looks like I might just have to do that Video...I warn you, if it happens, expect a whole new barrage of Riot games videos over the next month...

Edit3: Well you did it... I'll have the Video up sometime this week. If we get to 1000 thumbs, i'll give another one
Edit4: Oh god 700 already... Guys puhls.

REddit- I'd just like a shoutout to Zygen360, for being responsible for about ~80% of all posts in this thread...

Edittide: Upvotes are slowing down. Looks like you're not getting that second video!... thank god..


Well. Promise is a promise... Third video for 2500 ups.

If you make that I might well sing

Video update: TOP OF THE POST, ITS UP.

Took ages.

Video update 2: Okay, i know i promised a second video at 1000 views, and i rightly owe it to you all. But currently I don't want to make another video if i can't improve upon it. This summer i'm getting a new camcorder, so i'll be able to make way better clips with way better sound. If you care, be patient. If you don't? leave the thread...
Edited For Nika

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Midnight Blues

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I think the initial Edit drove everyone off...

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awesome lol.

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James Slaughter

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that is funny as hell.

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I laughed.

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We need a "permaforeverbanned" entry.

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Aeolian Melodies

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10/10, would read again.

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I laughed, made my day better =P

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Summoners, due to unexpected humor in the OP I will have to give him an upvote. I will give any updates as they come.

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