The Will of Legacy

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KeenanRC

Junior Member

04-03-2012

Dw = Dont worry


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-03-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeenanRC View Post
Dw = Dont worry
Oooooh. Thank you.


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-06-2012

Longer chapter this time, will be going through to add things and do some minor edits as usual. Also apparently this is too long for a single post. x____x

_______________

Chapter 5 is being edited and will return as soon as possible.

___________________

(Continued in next post.)


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-06-2012

(Continued from previous post.)
____________________

Chapter 5 is being edited and will return as soon as possible.


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KeenanRC

Junior Member

04-06-2012

Wooot


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RedYume

Junior Member

04-10-2012

All in all, I would say that I sincerely liked it. You have genuine talent as a writer, which is a bit of a gift- enjoy it, exploit it, grow it!
The character development took a bit to get going, as I believe someone else mentioned, but sometimes ideas don't really come to fruition until we're knee deep in the prose. I know exactly how that goes.

Two things I noticed. Firstly, you rely on dialogue to carry a lot of the story, which isn't a bad thing. But it's like your description gets weaker as your dialogue gets stronger. While I wouldn't recommend interspersing exhaustive description between lines, you may want to consider your pacing.
Secondly, while your scene setting and description is complete, I feel that it is more "telling" instead of showing. Everything that is seen or heard comes from this external omniscient perspective, which again, isn't wrong or bad. However, it does make the reader a bit detached from the scene. It is possible to have an "all seeing eye" perspective, but still touch upon the limited senses of the characters involved.
Likewise, another thing which makes the description seem a bit distanced from the scene, is when pieces of the scene are listed off. When they don't weave with your characters, it's hard to be there with them. It's the difference between fighting ninja, and watching a movie about ninja fighting. I hope that made sense. >_<;;

All in all, well done. Keep up the great work!


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-10-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedYume View Post
All in all, I would say that I sincerely liked it. You have genuine talent as a writer, which is a bit of a gift- enjoy it, exploit it, grow it!
The character development took a bit to get going, as I believe someone else mentioned, but sometimes ideas don't really come to fruition until we're knee deep in the prose. I know exactly how that goes.

Two things I noticed. Firstly, you rely on dialogue to carry a lot of the story, which isn't a bad thing. But it's like your description gets weaker as your dialogue gets stronger. While I wouldn't recommend interspersing exhaustive description between lines, you may want to consider your pacing.
Secondly, while your scene setting and description is complete, I feel that it is more "telling" instead of showing. Everything that is seen or heard comes from this external omniscient perspective, which again, isn't wrong or bad. However, it does make the reader a bit detached from the scene. It is possible to have an "all seeing eye" perspective, but still touch upon the limited senses of the characters involved.
Likewise, another thing which makes the description seem a bit distanced from the scene, is when pieces of the scene are listed off. When they don't weave with your characters, it's hard to be there with them. It's the difference between fighting ninja, and watching a movie about ninja fighting. I hope that made sense. >_<;;

All in all, well done. Keep up the great work!
Ah! You're right! *Makes notes* Telling is bad, how did I let myself do that? >___< And the perspective, that's a good point too. The description as well... I'd actually redone the very first part of Chapter 1 with much more description than it had before(after reading your piece and realizing how much mine was lacking in the good description department), and I plan to do that with the rest as well.

Thank you so much, this helps a lot! Not only do I know what needs help now, I can watch myself for those mistakes the next time I write. And I'm glad you actually liked it, too. :)


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-12-2012

Update(4/12/2012):

Fixed up Chapter 1 and I am currently improving Chapters 2-5 while continuing work on Chapter 6. Tried to show more animosity between Fate and Caitlyn starting out since Fate's had bad experiences with Piltovan law enforcement punishing innocent people and Caitlyn doesn't care for conmen at all. Added more detail as well, and I'm hoping the dialogue, etc. feels a bit more natural now too. Hopefully things will feel more smooth once I've gotten everything edited. As always, please let me know if you notice any errors, tell me what you liked about it, and what you think could be improved.

Also: What sort of (alcoholic) drink do you think Caitlyn prefers?


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KuzAnn

Senior Member

04-15-2012

Update(4/15/2012):

Chapters 2-5 have been removed until further notice, but they will return. The reason for this is a few more changes I am making to Chapter 1 which will cause a disconnect between it and the following chapters. These changes are meant to fix a few logic problems that have been bothering me, and they will in turn change the flow and events of the chapters that follow. I really feel that I can push myself to do even better with this story, and to be quite honest I am not satisfied with the quality of the work I have produced thus far.

I will return with something better as soon as I can.


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Fionnn

Junior Member

04-16-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by KuzAnn View Post
Update(4/12/2012):

Fixed up Chapter 1 and I am currently improving Chapters 2-5 while continuing work on Chapter 6. Tried to show more animosity between Fate and Caitlyn starting out since Fate's had bad experiences with Piltovan law enforcement punishing innocent people and Caitlyn doesn't care for conmen at all. Added more detail as well, and I'm hoping the dialogue, etc. feels a bit more natural now too. Hopefully things will feel more smooth once I've gotten everything edited. As always, please let me know if you notice any errors, tell me what you liked about it, and what you think could be improved.

Also: What sort of (alcoholic) drink do you think Caitlyn prefers?
Scotch. Definitely scotch.


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