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[Jaykoboy Fanfic] Accepting the Exile

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Ask Talon

Member

02-28-2012

OOC: So, first line out of the story has me laugh so hard I shot soda out my nose. I just finished Spicy Jacks story a few days ago and I can already tell yours will be amazing as well.


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Ask Talon

Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Jaykoboy:
Don't worry; original characters aren't that hard. You don't have to plan what'll happen. I managed to write 289 pages of a book (Landscape and double-column that, to make it into an actual book, with 578 pages) without planning a single thing. I just sat down, cranked out some stuff, and when I got off, I was done. I had no clue how my character would develop, and he still did! Him and his girlfriend that is.

Just saying that you don't need to make them 3-D before you write. Start 2-D, and work from there!


Sorry to bomb your thread... But if you're on FanFiction.net, would you mind proof reading some of my stories?


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
AncientShad0w:
Sorry to bomb your thread... But if you're on FanFiction.net, would you mind proof reading some of my stories?


I don't have a Fanfic.net. I prefer just writing and posting here for now. But maybe later, k?


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Ryugi Kazamaru:

* Hectare is the lightest lightweight ever. I doubt even Teemo would get that drunk that fast.


Note how he chugged an entire bottle of 120% alcohol...I'm fairly certain that you'd get drunk that quickly, as well.


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Ryugi Kazamaru

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Possibly. Just remember that "proof" is not the same as "percent." 120 proof means it's 60% alcohol by volume.


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Ryugi Kazamaru:
Possibly. Just remember that "proof" is not the same as "percent." 120 proof means it's 60% alcohol by volume.


This is percent. Somehow, someone (Grand Viper, shush) managed to condense something so that 120% of its volume was pure alcohol. He's just lucky he didn't experience anything on the extensive list of side effects...

GV, what was the list again? We could use it right now.


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Ask Talon

Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Jaykoboy:
This is percent. Somehow, someone (Grand Viper, shush) managed to condense something so that 120% of its volume was pure alcohol. He's just lucky he didn't experience anything on the extensive list of side effects...

GV, what was the list again? We could use it right now.


I think anything handed to you by Urgot carries with it the following side effects.

Death
Horrible Burning Agony for all Eternity
Death
Nausea
Death
Flatulence


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Grand Viper

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Jaykoboy:
This is percent. Somehow, someone (Grand Viper, shush) managed to condense something so that 120% of its volume was pure alcohol. He's just lucky he didn't experience anything on the extensive list of side effects...

GV, what was the list again? We could use it right now.


That is unfortunately only the bacon with side effects. Alas and woe. The side effects of 120% condensed booze is instant death usually. If you manage to live, 1 out of 3 times it causes facial hair to spontaneously grow. It also has the side effect of killing enough brain cells to make you think you are a rutabaga.


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Grand Viper:
That is unfortunately only the bacon with side effects. Alas and woe. The side effects of 120% condensed booze is instant death usually. If you manage to live, 1 out of 3 times it causes facial hair to spontaneously grow. It also has the side effect of killing enough brain cells to make you think you are a rutabaga.


Proof that Hectare is a very STRONG drinker.


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Ask Katarina

Senior Member

02-28-2012

Quote:
Also, I hope that I portrayed madam Katarina correctly; I'm not the best at writing your character, my apologies.


Don't you worry, I'll just review it like Kazamaru did and correct stuff as I go along, may be helpful for you for future reference.

Quote:
While Belthazor panicked, waving his hands furiously in my direction to say no, I ignored him and nodded. “Yeah, sure, here’s the key.” I unlocked Belthazor from his trap, the metal receding into the ground again, and handed the key to Katarina. “It’s sort of difficult to copy, so I’d recommend keeping it in a safe place.”


He doesn't panic. I've never seen him panic... and even if he could have, living through enough trauma to kill a person several times has pretty much robbed him of the ability to panic. I appreciate the sentiment of giving me fun stuff, though, but I wouldn't use a trap like that on him.

Quote:
Katarina nudged Hectare forwards. “Here you go. Don’t break him.”


Perfect.

Quote:
Belthazor was about to respond, but Katarina pushed him to the side, preventing him from saying anything. “We’re going to this place where they make pretty much the best sandwiches ever. One word: Meat. Lots of it. And, it’s slaughtered on point.”

Belthazor rubbed his head. “And what appeal…? Never mind, forgot who I was talking to for a moment.”


Not something I'd do and not something he'd say. The shoving part, that is. The only place I'd shove him down is in a bedroom. I do think I would love that kind of food though...

Quote:
while Katarina messed with Belthazor in her usual fashion.
“Aw, c’mon, you’ve admitted it yourself; you enjoyed it!”
He grumbled slightly. “Enjoyed it, yes. Wanted to experience it again…no.”


That didn't make sense to me.

Quote:
Katarina looked to Belthazor to see him doing almost the identical thing. “Surprisingly so.”


Actually, he's quite good.

Quote:
Katarina was stuffing her face full of manatee. “Urf murfa phlagn pheth dentoo congherfastions.” She swallowed quickly, repeating herself. “You always drag your death into conversations. What a downer.”


Bad table manners? Ick. No.

Quote:
Katarina looked at Belthazor expectantly, not wanting him to appear second, and he looked at his milkshake in dismay. “It’s not very good…”

“Drink it.”

Quote:
He sighed and started drinking it, occasionally taking breaks to say the hospital food tasted better. Well, actually, that wasn’t until the end, Katarina took it away from him when he said that. After that, they left a tip and payment, making their way out of the room and back to their apartments.


Going back to a hotel room? I like where you're going with that, but he'd never eat something he disliked, ever. He's one of the most picky eaters I've ever met. If he didn't like a milkshake he'd sooner throw the whole thing at a waiter than take a second sip. Why do ya think we brought him food while he was in the hospital?


Quote:
While Katarina and Belthazor made their way back to their own rooms


Quote:
While Katarina and Belthazor made their way back to their own room


Fixed.

Overall the whole thing was a decent read. Apart from the personality mapping glitches (which are understandable to be fair) it was rather well written.