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Those Minions

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Senior Member


****ing bump.
Was funny

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Those Minions - 6


"Looks like they're headed off."

Primey was sitting at the outer edge of the top turret, his small figure dwarfed by the enormous bulk of PC. A cloud of fumes from PC's cigar was covering them like a smokescreen, making it difficult for them to see the hubbub going on about Sona.

Still, that didn't mean they couldn't hear.

"Why...why the hell did I sit next to this fatass?" mumbled Primey, burying his face in his hands. Because of the noxious smoke, he hadn't been able to see Sona before she got whisked away by Yi. **** that ******* Yi! How could he just take the treasure of the team away like he owned her or something!

"If I wasn't a minion..."

"But you are, Primey. Don't forget that." Unexpectedly, PC seemed to have heard all of Primey's quiet ramblings.

"**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****," muttered Primey, ignoring PC.

"That's right, Primey. Get it all out of your system. You gotta concentrate when you get on the battlefield."

"SHUT UP! Jesus, your advice is total horse****! Stop talking like you know anything, you ****ing tower of lard! I'm not ****ing worried about the ****ing battle, **** it! I didn't get to see Sona! Do you know how ****ing mortified I am right now!"

Primey panted hard after his angry ranting and averted his gaze from the calmly smoking PC. PC blew out a long, wide cloud of smoke before taking a deep breath in order to make his response.

"Well, ****. Ah didn't get to see her either."

"AND WHOSE ****ING FAULT IS THAT, HUH!" screamed Primey, nearly tearing his hood to shreds.

PC took another long pull from his cigar. The area around them seemed to tremor slightly as PC moved his body slightly forward so that he could slouch on his legs. One large yellowed eye rolled over to Primey, who jumped at PC's sudden gaze.

"Ah think you're feeling down, Primey. Tell PC what's troubling you."

"Holy ****, I've never wanted to ****ing kill someone so badly..." said Primey as he ground his teeth. "LISTEN, YOU ****ING HAM! Do you know how long I've wanted to see Sona! Do you know how ****ing legendary she is among the minions! She's a ****ing goddess, you hear me! A ****ING GODDESS. But because of you...BECAUSE OF YOU, I COULDN'T ****ING SEE HER AT ALL! AND NOW...now...I'll never see her..."

Primey pressed his palms against his eyes and started to cry. PC kept silent as Primey sobbed, his emotions for the abducted Sona pouring out through his incessant sniveling.

"I mean...it's not like we get anything else, you know? We're ****ing meatshields. That's all we ****ing are," said Primey, sniffing loudly as phlegm began to drip from his mouth and nose. "We don't get ****ing money, our lifespans are short as hell, and there's no ****ing girls here. Do you know what this is like? This is ****ing hell! This is hell, I tell you! But...even though we're ****ing abused, even though we're ****ing thrown away like ****ing trashbags, even though we don't even get a ****ing thank you when we ****ing die, I thought it'd be alright. I thought, **** it, I'll do it! You know why? Cause the female champions are ****ing hot. And Sona is the ****ing hottest of them all. You don't see ****ing babes like that anywhere else! I thought, **** it, if I'm going to die, at the very least, I'll get some ****ing eyecandy for it. BUT YOU! YOU ****ING RUINED IT ALL!"

PC exhaled again before plucking the cigar from his lips with two fat fingers. He tapped the cigar and then clamped it between his teeth again.

"Why didn't you just go look then, Primey?"

That was his cool response.


PC took another moment before answering.

"Ah didn't realize. Sorry, Primey."

"**** YOU!"

PC returned to silence as Primey began to sob again. In the distance, the rest of the minions were heading towards their posts, chattering and discussing in lively tones. There were many, who like Primey, had missed the arrival of Sona. But unlike the rest, these minions were not new recruits, meaning they had friends who took pictures for them.

Primey's only friend was a fat**** named PC. The number one hated minion on the purple team.

Right now, Primey was not only crying for missing out on Sona. He was crying for his misfortune at meeting this ****tard and becoming involved with him.

"**** it...if I knew things were going to turn out like this, I wouldn't have become a minion in the first place-"


Primey jumped violently at PC's shout. PC was glaring at him with fury flaring in his eyes.

"W-What! What's your problem!"

"Shut up," said PC coldly. Primey's mouth clamped down immediately by reflex. When he noticed his body's involuntary movement, Primey touched his mouth, feeling a shudder crawling up his spine. What was going on? He had never seen PC like this before. His expression held so much anger that it was as if the emotion was carved into his face.

"Ah don't care if you hate me. Ah don't care if you're depressed or if you hate your life. That's fine. That's normal. But don't you ever say some **** like that again, Primey."

I wouldn't have become a minion in the first place.

That single line had incited PC. It had borne such rage in him that it was as if he was a completely different person. Primey was huddling against the turret, his entire being frightened by the PC in front of him.

"F-**** you! What's it matter to you if I ****ing say that!"

It happened so quickly that Primey's vision turned into a blur. In an instant, PC's enormous hand had clamped Primey by the throat and slammed him against the turret. Standing at his full height, it was only now that PC's tremendous girth finally made an impression on Primey's mind.


Primey scrabbled uselessly at PC's hand. PC lowered his head until his eyes, half-hidden in a cloud of smoke, pierced into the new recruit's.

"What do you call yourself, Primey?"

The question was issued in a low voice, but each syllable was distinct and clear in Primey's ears.

"What are you talking about? I ****ing told you, people call me Prime Minister," croaked Primey, his windpipe getting crushed by PC's fingers. PC's eyes lingered on his for several seconds. Eventually, however, he broke his gaze and gently lowered Primey back onto the ground. Primey coughed as the enormous Caster's hands released his neck.

"Listen up, Primey. Cause Ah'm not going to say this twice."

PC blew another stream of smoke, but this time, instead of drowning them in fumes, it was as if the smoke was wrapping itself around PC like a cloak. Seeing him stand straight and tall for the first time, Primey couldn't help but feel awed by the massive Caster.

"You say minions are just meatshields? That we live in a hell and that we're just pieces of **** that just get used by the champions as cannon fodder. Well, no ****, kid! No ****ing ****!"

Silence. The minions heading to top had retreated behind the inhibitor at PC's outburst. They were calmly ignoring Primey and playing cards instead.

"Did you think this was a fairy tale? That we live in peace and harmony and we're all good buddies with each other. We can watch porn together and compare ***** sizes! Is that what you thought, Primey?"

"No, but..."

"Crushed. Smashed. Cut. Torn. Snapped. Burned. Frozen. Shocked. Poisoned. That's not even half of the way minions are killed. You're right, Primey. Minion lives are ****. They die and die and die and die. Our only purpose is to die, to die horrible deaths, to be killed in horrible ways. And what do we get? Nothing. Nothing marks our deaths. No one sings for your accomplishments. No one remembers you when you die. There's no point in being a minion. Is that what you're saying, Primey?"

The cigar in PC's mouth glowed brightly.

"Don't **** with me, you little ****. We're worth nothing? Our lives are worthless? SHUT THE **** UP, KID!"

Even the minions at the inhibitor cringed at the force in PC's words. They hurriedly shuffled the cards and dealt them out, trying to block out the invasive noise.

"Prime Minister, you said? Primey, do you know what you are right now, at this moment? Do you know what your existence is, what your past, present, and future shows? Just a weak little minion. A minion that didn't even want to be a minion. A minion that hates the life of a minion, a minion that hates himself, hates his very own existence. A minion that rejects his own identity!"

"I don't want to be a minion! I'm someone! I'm Prime Minister, not just a ****ty minio-"


PC's breath rattled as he stepped forward, forcing Primey to scramble back towards the turret.

"That's right. You're a ****ty little minion. But what's wrong with that! What's wrong with being weak! What's wrong with living just to die! You can walk and breathe! You can laugh and cry! You can lust and desire, hate and spite! You're alive! You're someone with a name, someone with a place in this army. And someone with a purpose. You call someone with all these emotions, with all these strengths and weaknesses, useless? Worthless? Meatshields? Don't use that word to identify yourself, even if it describes you perfectly! You are not a meatshield, even if you may be! You are foremost a minion! Ah'm a minion! Ah don't feel any shame! This battlefield is the one that is useless and worthless without us! Without our blood, without our lives!"

"I don't want to die just because I have to! What the **** is that, huh!"

"Die because you have to? DON'T GET CONCEITED, KID! No one is telling you to die! No one is ****ing telling you to go out there and get yourself killed! THEY'RE TELLING YOU TO PROTECT THE CHAMPIONS! This is a hell, but not for us. For us, this is our last chance. To protect the champions you love. That you hate. That you admire, that you respect, that you detest, that you pity, that you fear, that you blame, that you dream for, that you shed tears for! Do you envy them, Primey? Do you think it's bad to envy them! You envy them because you want something from them! Fine! That's fine, Primey. Protect them! Stand by them! You can only take what you want if it's still there to take!"

"And be proud," said PC, looking down at Primey's wide eyes. "Be proud of who you are. Of what you are. Be proud that you're the only reason these champions seem so magnificent. It's because you adore them. It's because you despise them. It's because you are there to help them. To ruin them. To die in order for them to live, to live in order for them to die. Even if you're thrown in mud, even if you drown in a pool of blood, even if your name is forgotten, even if you yourself forget who you are...don't forget the pride of a minion, Primey. Never forget that it us who make the battlefield more than just a place of carnage."

"The pride of a minion..." mumbled Primey, unable to tear his gaze from PC's. "That...that's...A LOAD OF ****! SHUT THE **** UP, YOU RETARDED FATASS! NO ONE HERE WOULD EVER ****ING GO WITH THE BULL**** YOU'RE SPITTING OUT OF YOUR MOUT-"

"Well said, minion."

The minions at the inhibitor jumped to their feet as Ashe suddenly appeared from behind the turret. Her piercing green eyes bore into PC's with a mixture of admiration and approval. She held up her bow, sending sparkles of ice floating down to the ground.

"Name yourself, minion."

"Ah'm PC. And this here is my valet, Primey," said PC without skipping a beat. He didn't seem the least bit fazed by the appearance of the startlingly beautiful champion. However, Primey was a different story.

"HOLY ****, IT'S ASHE!" screamed Primey, instantly lunging in between PC's thighs. "D-Don't look here, you *****! I'm not decent! But show me your ****!"

"You two are an interesting pair," mused Ashe, her lips parting slightly. "I've been watching you two for quite a time."

"An unexpected honor, to garner interest from a champion," said PC, bowing deeply.

"What the ****, why do you sound so eloquent now?" muttered Primey from under PC.

"You heard quite an arrogant speech from me. My apologies," continued PC, still bowing.

"No, there's no need to apologize. Your words are correct. We champions have been far too neglectful of the minions that fight for us," said Ashe with a smile. "The torment that minions go through far exceeds the obstacles that we champions face. Glory and fame, the taste of victory and progress...none of that is granted to you, who fight solely for the sake of sacrifice. It is I who should apologize to you. Forgive me."

Ashe bowed to Primey and PC. The two minions stood there, stunned by her unexpected action.

"**** or GTFO!"

"Your words have impressed me. One's determination for another is just a small part of strength. It is understanding and striving for one's self from where true strength is acquired."

"They're just the words of an old soldier, champion," said PC respectfully.

"Strip, **** it! Do you know how long it's been since I had a raging hard-on!"

"No, your words are quite worthy. In fact, I was worried for today's battle. Our opponents are quite strong. However, now that I know that minions such as you exist...perhaps I should reconsider my options."

Ashe stroked her chin as her eyes twinkled slyly.


"D-**** it, Yi! Stop touching me there!"

"Oh, but Sona, my darling, your wonderful body is far too tempting to resist!"


"W-What! Ashe?"

"Irelia, can you hear me?"

"I hear you, Frost Archer. Do you need something of me?"

"I want a change of plans," said Ashe through the telepathic team link. "Give me and Sona the top lane."

"W-Wait. WHAT! Ashe, what are you talking about!"

"Yi, let go of Sona. She's not leashing for you anymore."

"Ah, but Ashe, I seem to have become quite entangled in our lovely performer's curvy attributes."


"Yi, please let her go," said Ashe, touching her forehead with her fingers.

"...Well. If you say so, Ashe. However, I will require appropriate compensation..."

"Later, Yi. Later."

"Your frosty words stir my heart like no other! Very well, Sona Buvelle! Take your leave! I will have Kassadin leash for me."

"What are you planning, Frost Archer?" came Kassadin's mechanic growl.

"It's none of your concern, is it, Kassadin? I'll be sure that it doesn't affect your performance in the battle."

"A mere champion thinking that her actions can affect my performance? Do not be so arrogant, Frost Archer."

"In that case, I'll leave you be," said Ashe coolly. Kassadin did not respond, but began moving to leash for Master Yi.

"A-Ashe! Are you sure about this? The lanes are going to be all messed up now..."

"I know that this will be an extra burden on you, Irelia. I'm sorry, but..."

"Do not worry about me, Frost Archer. If that is what you feel is best, then so be it. I will move to bottom lane, then."

"Thank you, Irelia."

Ashe tuned out of her team link and turned back to the two minions.

"Now, interesting pair. I hope you'll take good care of us in top lane."

Primey's mouth was moving up and down wordlessly, save for a strange choking noise from deep within his throat.


It was not on a whim that Ashe was changing the lanes. True, by placing Irelia down with a ranged carry, it was going to be a difficult fight. Not to mention that with true damage, she could deal quite easily with Rammus. However, Ashe wanted the top lane. These minions, who were different from those who had been squawking over Sona earlier...how would the battle be affected by their actions?

No, the first statement had been a lie.

The only reason that Ashe wanted top was to see how interesting things would get with this change in order.


"I can't believe it. That **** actually worked."

"Ah told you, didn't I, Primey? The beauties always go where PC goes."

"Jesus ****ing Christ. I don't want to admit it, but ****! You're a god, PC. You even actually sort of sounded badass."

"Thank yee kindly."

"Aw ****! Those boobs are ours!"


Back at the Nexus, two minions were watching the top lane with great interest. One was a Caster while the other was a Melee-type.

"I can't believe he convinced Ashe to join their lane."

"I told you, didn't I Mill? The minion named PC is not someone you can underestimate."

"No...it has to be coincidence. I just can't see that PC being able to manipulate a champion like that..."

The Caster named Cast chuckled lightly before hopping down from the top of the Nexus. He landed next to the Melee-type named Mill without touching the ground, instead, hovering over it by an inch with magic.

"Fat. Lazy. Annoying. He's the most hated minion in the Purple Army. But it's because he's hated so much that he's one to watch out for. Have you ever heard of the saying 'nice guys finish last?' The reason is because they're too noticeable. The heroes, the saviors, the kind ones...they're too adored. Too admired. Too bright. They're watched constantly because of their excellence. Like champions. Everyone has their eyes on the champions. They'll notice the smallest of mistakes. They'll see the human depths of these so-called gods. But PC, the one they hate, that they cannot stand, they ignore. They deny his existence. And because of that, he is a limitless existence. One whose flaws are not perceived or understood. They vanish, while even the most insignificant flaws of the champions are amplified."

"Is that why you told me to keep track of PC?"

"No. His low presence among the minions is hardly something worth observing. It is his actions, Mill. If someone is essentially invisible, then imagine what he can accomplish, unnoticed by everyone, unrestrained by anyone. But, it seems Ashe has seen through some of PC's guise. A gaudy speech like that wouldn't be enough to move the heart of the Queen of Freljord."


"I see that you're not convinced yet. Don't worry, Mill. PC will show his true colors soon enough. I wished that we could have included him in our plans, but now that the Frost Archer is overseeing him, it's a bit risky to do so."

"Then, are we still continuing with the plan?"

"Of course," said Cast with a wide smirk. "None of them know that this battle will be quite different from all the others. Pride of a minion indeed. How ironic that even your complete bull**** has a ring of truth in it. But, nevertheless, it seems we differ in our ideals, PC. A minion fights for others in order to fight for himself. A daring notion, but not in the least bit realistic. One fights in order to end conflict. Superfluous concepts such as sacrificing oneself for another or emotions such as love? Those are simply the justifications of those that fight. Those that cannot accept the truth, which is that violence is the most selfish of all actions one can take. It is where one decides that he/she is wholly right, that there is no room for argument. Where one forces their ideals upon another, where one forcefully delegates themselves on the side of justice. You are never fighting for others nor for yourself. You are always fighting for supremacy. Ruling over another. What pride is there to take from such an ugly form, PC?"

"But it's fine, PC. I'll show you that an ugly world is hardly a bad thing. In fact, it is only from an ugly stone that a beautiful diamond can take shape. But the right cuts have to be made in order for it to shine."

Cast raised his staff which emitted a pure white light.

"They are not followers. Nor our partners. They are not dreamers, nor our servants. Do you know what we all are, Mill?"


In all three lanes, groups of minions turned their heads at the flashing white light. Their eyes glowed and on their left hands, a purple brand shone harshly.

"Those with the same ideal. Those that seek to rule together. There is only one word for this, Mill."

We are comrades.

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Those Minions - 7


"I love you."


"I love you!"

The look that Melee gave Caster was muddled with such a mixture of emotions that it might as well have been blank for all the meaning Caster could garner from it.

"I really love you, Melee."


The Summoner Lady's voice reverberated over Melee's body, the very sound of her words wrapping around him like slender arms. Melee shivered at the feeling, but wasn't all too against it.

"Wait, no, that's not it! What the ****, dude! How could you just marry me off while I was unconscious!"

"Shut up, you degenerate. You cuckolded my wife from me, you son of a *****."

"...Well, I wouldn't really say cuckolded...I mean...I was going to return her to you and it was just circumstance-"

"Melee. Either we call it even now, or we can fight over it."


"Stop harassing my hubby!" said the Summoner Lady, making sure to keep her voice at a manageable level. After hearing that the Summoner Lady had information on the teams fighting on the battlefield today, Caster had taken it upon himself to amend her vows so that she could speak as long as she didn't blow their eardrums. Still, hearing a line like that being used for the well-being of Melee of all people...Caster couldn't help but feel like blowing his eardrums out would've been the better option.

"...Sorry Caster. This must be making you feel lonely. Don't worry, man. You'll find a new love soon."

"This ****ing Melee!"

After giving Melee a good thrashing, Caster sat down with his arms and legs crossed. He waited until Melee regained consciousness before getting to the issue at hand.

"So, while you were out and getting married to this beautiful young lady..."

"Oh...Caster, you! Don't think you'll make me fall in love with you. I only love Melee," said the Summoner Lady. Melee blushed furiously at the comment, giving Caster a little satisfaction at getting some small revenge.

"Caster...you're not going to try to cuckold me, are you?"

"As if I-!" Caster stopped and lowered his voice to a whisper. "As if I would do that, you ****ing gigantofreak."

"Hey! How do you know she's gigantic?" whispered Melee back fiercely.

"How else would she have that kind of ear-shattering volume, huh?"

"She could be using magic!"

"Oh, yeah. Magic solves everything. Stop trying to make up solutions, Melee. She's a ****ing giant and when you two ****, your entire body is going to be going into her vag-"


"Melee! What's wrong, honey?"

"Ah, nothing...darling."

Caster couldn't resist snorting.

"**** it, shut the **** up..."

"I didn't say anything."

"You were going to! ****...**** you Caster..."

"I did you a favor. You'll probably never find a girl like this again. Honey."

"**** you!"

"Anyways, moving onto more important matters. Melee. I know the teams fighting today."

"What! How'd you find out?"

"That was me, honey!" said the Summoner Lady, her tone of voice suggesting that if she had been physically present, she would've been in Melee's lap, cuddling up under his chin. "I love you."

"...I know that."

"Thanks to this *****, I know exactly where Katarina is," said Caster, clenching his fingers into a fist. The Summoner Lady resided in a separate plane from the actual battlefield. Meaning, she had access to the information that was given to the Summoners. As a result, she had been able to peek into the Summoner's choices for battle and subsequently discover the compositions for each of the teams.

The teams were as stated:

Blue Team: Master Yi, Kassadin, Irelia, Ashe, and Sona.

Purple Team: Katarina, Rammus, Annie, Vayne, and Alistar.

"Holy ****. We have Sona! ****! She's legendary!"

"You sure you want to say that in front of your wife?"

"Ah...ehem. Legendary for her songs. I love music."

"Oh, you do! Did you know that I sing, Melee?"

"Oh...do you now...?"

"You have a bright future ahead of you. I'm so happy for you two."

"**** you, Caster! Seriously, **** you!"

"Anyways, that's the deal. Katarina's on the enemy team. That means we can just go ahead like we've been doing and ****ing kill that *****."

Melee gave a great sigh of relief. "I see. That's good. I was a little worried there."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You know I was having some doubts earlier? I was wondering which team Katarina would be on. I mean, ****, if Katarina was on our team, we'd sort of be ****ed, right?"

"What are you talking about? If she was on our team, we'd just have to go back to ****ing kill her."

"...Yeah. Sure. Whatever. That's beside the point. Now that we know she's on the enemy team, we know where she's going to be too. She'll probably be bottom with Vayne."

"Wrong. We saw their Summoner Spells also. Rammus doesn't have Smite," said Caster, jabbing his wand at Melee. "That means he's not jungling. Most likely, Katarina is going to go top with Rammus, while Vayne lanes bottom with Alistar. Alistar is a better support than Rammus. And Rammus goes better with Katarina, considering she does burst damage."

"I see. So that means she's going to be in top lane..."

"Either way, it doesn't ****ing matter. The battle hasn't ****ing started, so we're going to hit her while she's still sitting in base, buying her ****ing items."

"Hey, hey! Calm down for a minute, Caster. I know you're jealous of me getting a wife, but-"

"What? What the **** are you talking about-"

"I can't thank you enough by the way," said Melee with a big smile. "Now that I've gotten a chance to digest it, I think I'll have a great relationship with Summoner Lady."

"Melee! Oh, I love you so much! I wish the battle was over so I could come and give you a big hug!"

"By the way, are you gigantic?"

"No...I think I'm about the size of a champion," said the Summoner Lady with a confused tone.

"If you would compare your body to a champion, who would you say you resemble?"

"Huh? Uh...LeBlanc, I guess. Why?"

Melee shot Caster a smug look.

"...You're a ****ing son of a *****, you know that?"

"Say, darling. What do you think about ménage à trois?"

"Huh? What's that?"

"...I don't ****ing need your pity!"

"Anyways, Caster. Now that you've calmed down, we really need to talk."

"...What the **** do you want to talk about?"

"Summoner Lady, could you leave us alone? We need to talk, as men. Actually, we might be leaving after this, so I'll contact you later."

"...Ok. I'll be waiting, honey."

"Smooch smooch."

"Oh my ****ing god."

The Summoner Lady's presence faded away. Or rather, after hearing her audible breathing in the air, Melee insisted on her departure, to the point that he even threatened their marriage. Needless to say, the Summoner Lady fully complied with his wishes.

"Jesus Christ, what a dumb *****."

"Hey, shut the **** up! Don't badmouth my wife."

Caster opened his mouth to say something, but then decided against it. It had been his idea in the first place.

"Anyways, what did you want to talk about? And why'd the wife have to leave?"

"Because of the subject matter. Caster. Look, I know you're pissed off about Katarina killing Millet. So am I. But **** it, we can't just run into their ****ing base and raise hell."

"And why the **** not?" Although Caster was a little miffed about Melee's sudden mood swing over his wife, he was also somewhat mollified by the concern Melee was already showing her. The only reason he had forced his new wife to leave was so that she wouldn't hear them talking about his ex-wife. He didn't want to admit it, but Melee was a caring husband.

"We're too weak," said Melee in a matter-of-fact tone. "You're probably trying to ignore that fact, right? Even at level 1, Katarina has a distinct advantage over us in terms of health, armor, MR, and damage."

"Look, there's two of us-"

"We need at least a whole group to do significant damage to a champion, even if she is low-leveled. I don't know what you were thinking, but charging in and hoping we can get lucky and get a couple free shots in before she attacks us is just stupid."

"Well, what do you suggest we do then, huh? If we wait any longer, there's going to be minions in lane and we won't be able to get anywhere near ****ing Kat-"

"We get stronger. That's what we do."


"If Katarina's stronger than us at level 1, we just need to level up higher and become stronger than her."

"And how the **** do we do that? Huh? You know we have to kill other minions to get exp? Maybe we can kill one or two, but how the **** do we kill enough to get a higher level than Katarina?"

"Simple. We don't lane."

"Huh! How else do we ****ing get experi-"

"Thank my wife for this," said Melee, giving Caster a confident smile.

"What, you two already passing love notes to each other?"

"I asked her about this while you were busy fantasizing about killing Katarina. How can we level without laning and without Katarina noticing us? She's pretty clever, my wife."

"Are you ****ing boasting right now? I'll ****ing kill you, Melee."

"We jungle," said Melee, his eyes firm. "By jungling, we only have to kill a couple monsters to get higher levels. Not to mention, we don't have to enter the base to fight in the jungle."

"...Are you serious?"

"Dead serious."

"The jungle monsters are way stronger than we are. How are we supposed to-"

"That's where you come in, isn't it Caster? Don't try and fool me. You couldn't have possibly only snitched a couple of boots," said Melee, his eyes gleaming. That sentence shut Caster up. He stood there, stunned for a moment, but then flashed a wide grin.

"You sharp little *******."

"What do you say? Think we can jungle?"

Caster didn't need to reply. He reached into the bag he had stolen from Summoner inventory long ago and pulled out a large, icy-blue mallet.

"Frozen Mallet?" inquired Melee.

"700 Health. Just one gives you almost twice the health of the wolves," said Caster, tossing two to Melee. "And you'll deal more damage than them, even with their crit."

"What are you going to use?"

"What else?" said Caster, pulling a clawed gauntlet on one hand. "Madred's Razors."

"You *******. You should give that to me. I have higher attack speed."

"Shut up, you son of a *****. You have two Frozen Mallets. Stop your whining."

Additionally armed with Rylai's Crystal Scepter, Caster had become just as formidable as Melee in terms of damage and sustain. Looking at the items on hand, Melee raised a questioning thought.

"Wait. If we've got all of these items, we could just go kill her after all..."

"No. You're right, Melee. That's what I was thinking too, but you've made me change my mind. There are some advantages that the champions have that we'll never get. It's better and safer if we level first before we attempt an attack."

"Right. Katarina could just escape and heal, but we don't have a recall spell, so it'd take us ages to get back..."

"Exactly. We need to make sure we get her in one confrontation. I don't know how many times I've said this...I hate to admit it, Melee, but you made a good decision."

"****ing right. Bow down, *****."

"...Don't get carried away."

Melee cracked his knuckles and hefted both Frozen Mallets over his shoulders. Licking his lips, he looked across at the enemy team's jungle.

"Should we start there? We have Yi on our side, so that means their jungle is going to be empty."

"I guess so," said Caster, smirking. "We want our team to have the advantage anyways."

"Then let's get started, Caster. We're going to clear this jungle and kill that ****ing *****."

"Just wait, Katarina. We're coming."

The minions had set their plan in motion.


"...Hm. Was it the top or the bottom team that gets purple minions...?" mused the Summoner Lady.

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Those Minions - 8


"Did you see those-"

"Sh! You're too loud, you ****tard!"

"You're the loud one!"

"Shut up, both of you! I'm trying to enjoy ****."

The top minions stopped their squabbling and turned back to the task at hand. Sona's breasts. These delightful treasures wobbled as she floated alongside Ashe, drawing all absentminded eyes to them like moths to a flame. One drooling minion was frozen by pure ecstasy, causing the rear troops to crash into him and cause a pile-up.

"****, man! Pay ****ing attention!"

"I am...I am..."

"...Holy ****. Do you see what I'm seeing?"

"...Oh my god. I don't believe it."

The disheveled minions extended their necks to watch Sona's fluttering blue dress. The dress had adhered to her shapely hips, sculpting yet another priceless piece of art on the maven's figure.

"...You know, I'm good like this."

"Get your ass off me and I'll be good too."

"...Ashe. These minions are staring at me," said Sona telepathically. Ashe turned and saw the group of minions gazing heatedly at Sona's lovely form. Ashe wiggled her hips a little as she walked, but no eye was distracted by this sultry motion.

"I think you're just being paranoid. You're too self-conscious," said Ashe with a little bite in her words.

"Why are you angry?"

"I'm not."

"You sound angry."

"I don't. We're done discussing this."

"Don't be jealous, you ****ing hag," said Primey from around the Frost Archer's right knee. Ashe nudged him sharply with her foot. "OW!"

"Straighten up, young minion. After your refreshing call for action, I have high hopes for you," said Ashe with a wry smile.

"The **** are you talking about, I never said **** you twinkle-toed ice fairy *****-"

"There you are, Primey. Ah'm back. And hello, ladies."

"Oh, PC. I was wondering where you went off to," said Ashe as the towering minion lumbered over.

"Ah had to straighten out some things," said PC, plucking Primey from the ground.

"Hey, hey! What the **** do you think you're doing!"

"Now, now, Primey. Ah told you to stick with me," said PC, slinging Primey over his shoulder.



"Hm?" said Ashe in her head. The sight of a small minion scrabbling frantically on the shoulder of another had proved to be a little distracting for the Frost Archer. "What is it, Sona?"

"Ashe, what are we doing here?" hissed Sona through their mental connection. "This is all wrong. The meta says-"

"Ah, meta. Don't worry too much about it, Sona."

"How can I not worry about it, Ashe? This is all wrong! Why would we switch lanes with Irelia? Irelia is amazing as a solo top laner."

"As I said before, Sona, it's much more interesting this way-"

"Ashe, be serious. I know you're not the kind that would recklessly put us in danger for no reason."

"For ****'s sake, you ****ing pig! Let me go already!"

"Now, Primey. Behave yourself."


"True. I've made a risky decision," started Ashe, watching the two purple minions. "But I wanted those two to be with me in battle. Sona, what do you think is the most important aspect of our battles?"

"Uhm...gold farming?"

"Yes, that's very important," said Ashe with a light laugh. Tendrils of thoughts began to drift into Sona's mind as Ashe continued speaking. "Farming is especially important for the carries. Without farm, the early game is lost. You lose in levels and you lose in abilities. Without farm, your items are worthless and subsequently, you become worthless. Our battles are heavily dependent on how many minions we are able to kill."

"That's right. So why would you send Irelia against Vayne? Even if she does have great sustain, she'll be zoned out because of her short range. Especially once Vayne and Alistar reach level 3. By then, they'll have their knockback abilities and Irelia won't be able to get near the farm."

"Yes. And Katarina relies heavily on harass damage to defeat her opponents. Her escape is excellent too because of Shunpo. With Irelia's passive, sustain, and strong chasing abilities, she can outharass and outplay Katarina quite easily even with Rammus as support."

"All the more reason for us to go bottom, Ashe! There's only disadvantages in changing our setup."

"Farm. Champion kills. Battle meta. Item superiority. Map control. Looking at it that way, it seems like champions are the core of the battle."

"Of course they are, Ashe! We're the ones doing all the fighting!"

"Glory. Territory. Supremacy. We fight for the Summoners and the Summoners fight for our causes. This is our battlefield," said Ashe. Her green eyes were somber as her thoughts continued to flow into Sona's mind. The memory of PC and Primey's discussion took root and bloomed, carrying with it all of Ashe's musings.

"We were told that these are mindless minions summoned through the nexus by novice summoners. But it's become quite clear to every champion that this is not true. The minions have a mind and a soul. They have their own desires and their own reasons to fight."

"...What about it? They're just minions-"

"We outshine them, Sona. Our victories are too bright, our losses too devastating. In the end, whether we win or lose, the champions are the ones that are remembered. Protection, aggro, lane pushing, stumbling walls. They are insignificant in comparison. As prevalent as they are in the battlefield, those deeds are not heroic. They do not spell defeat. But I've realized, Sona. I've realized the importance of these minions. The minions that we kill to strengthen ourselves. The minions that protect us as we attack and dodge during battle. The minions that destroy towers with us, the minions that die with us, the minions that win with us, the minions that lose with us. Every step of the way, minions are at our side."

Sona bit her lip as Ashe's thoughts meshed with hers in a thick stream. The champions were important. The champions were the ones that pushed lanes, they were the ones that killed other champions. They were the ones that defeated minions, that protected towers, that killed jungles for buffs-

But without minions, the champions would be powerless. Without minions to farm gold from, to raise their experience from, to earn buffs from...

Champions were just the same.

"I wonder if I'm simply thinking too much," said Ashe, her gentle eyes facing towards the sky. "But I believe that those who step into the battlefield are either our enemies or our comrades. Minions are no exception. In that case, I desire comrades that care for our well-being. I desire comrades that I too will care for."

Sona could still hear the two minions fighting and arguing behind her. At the same time, the lustful stares drilling into her back did not feel frightening any longer. Rather, Sona now knew what those minions were truly thinking.

If anyone touches our goddess, we're going to **** them up.

Well, I highly doubt that's really what they're thinking
, thought Ashe as she surreptitiously inserted the thought into Sona's mind. But I suppose there's a chance.

"Ok, Ashe. I understand why you wanted to come to top lane," said Sona with an exasperated smile. "But that doesn't change the fact that we're still at a disadvantage."

"Ah...don't worry Sona. Yi is taking care of that."


A team with no jungle. With the recent buff, Yi jungle was once again a formidable force to reckon with. It was plausible that the blue team might invade the jungle. However, the act of invasion required strong confidence and determination. One wrong move, and the match could be decided then and there. However, without any tanky characters on the purple team, the blue team had a higher chance of winning the teamfight. But the risk was still there because of Kassadin's silence and Master Yi's AOE attack. While less tanky, the purple team had starting abilities more suitable to DPS on multiple characters. Focusing one character would automatically result in the damaging of the others.

All in all, the decision to invade would require climbing a high wall. Ashe was betting on this fact. Instead, it was more likely that Alistar and Vayne would be in the bottom lane bushes, awaiting for an ambush. As both Ashe and Sona were tanky, an ambush would thoroughly deal enough damage, perhaps even securing first blood. There was also the fact that if they inhabited the top bush and Alistar put a point into Headbutt, they could use the walls to their advantage. Vayne and Alistar would surely use the bush to press psychological pressure on bot lane.

That was why Irelia and Yi were currently sitting in the top bush of bot lane. They were waiting for Vayne and Alistar to arrive. Even if Alistar picked Pulverize first and knocked the two champions up, Vayne was an extremely squishy champion. No doubt both Yi's and Irelia's basic attacks would take a chunk of her health. Irelia's tenacity from her passive and Yi's range from his Alpha Strike would make sure that they could catch up even to a fleeing Vayne. Being ambushed in the top bush, even with Flash, Vayne would have difficulty in getting away.

There were two aspects to this strategy. The first was the expectation that Ashe and Sona would be in bot lane. A fight between these two teams had a high chance of Alistar and Vayne winning in terms of pure damage. Even if the ambush failed, Ashe had no real chase after the initial burst from her Volley. Alistar's CC would easily keep her at bay. If Ashe and Sona were cautious, then Vayne and Alistar would have a slight advantage from taking control of the bushes.

The second aspect was surprise. Even if they somehow expected Irelia to have switched lanes with Ashe and Sona, they would not expect Yi to sacrifice an early blue to do a level 1 gank. Alistar was not tanky enough in earlier levels to contend with Irelia one on one, meaning that Irelia would be able to take advantage of Vayne's absence to gain a lead in experience. During this time, Yi could quickly grab blue and come back to gank, allowing Irelia to keep control of bot lane.

There would be no need for a gank in top lane. With higher range, Ashe would be able to zone out both Rammus and Katarina by taking advantages of Rammus' low tankiness when not in Defensive Ball Curl. Katarina's harass would have little effect with Sona's healing.

This was Ashe's solution to the disadvantages in switching lanes. It required Yi and Irelia to work well and have a little luck, but if performed without a hitch, both top and bot lane would be under the Purple Team's control.

"Well...I suppose it makes sense. But do you really want to take a risk like this?"

"There are no certainties in battle. My idea has a good chance of failing as well as succeeding. But, I believe it's worth taking the risk."

Sona glanced at PC and Primey. Certainly the larger minion looked reliable. She had never seen a minion like that, even when Promoted. But the other one seemed whiny and irresponsible. Sona had her doubts on Ashe's evaluation of that one in particular.

"Well, if all goes according to plan, we should have first blood and the advantage," said Ashe as they finally approached top lane.

"Should we check the bush for Katarina and Rammus?"

"No. Switching lanes took too much time, so they probably have control of the bush already. Just stay with the minions for no-"

"Frost Archer. There is a problem."

"Irelia? What do you mean a problem?" asked Ashe. The gank should have happened by now. Could Vayne and Alistar have been cautious and kept near the turret?

"Please be careful when you enter your lane."

"The lane? What are you talking about, Ire-"

Ashe froze. They had finally made it to the top turret. Across the lane, she could see that the blue minions had arrived along with the enemy champions.

However, they were not Katarina and Rammus.

"Well, well. What have we here?" The dark lips of the Night Hunter curved into a smile as she appeared into view. "It looks like we're on the same wavelength, Frost Archer."

Ashe responded with a wry smile.

"I suppose it's expected of the hunter to outsmart its prey."

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Please stop...

Shut up.

Don't do this!

I said shut up!

Please...please stop! REMEMBER YOUR DUTY!



Don't **** with me...

Don't **** with me...


Those Minions - 9

"Hey, Melee."

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to start for once."


"You always get the first ****ing word whenever we start a conversation. And you know what? I'm ****ing sick of it."

"...Sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No, **** you. Seriously, **** you."


"What the ****!" shouted Melee and Caster in unison.

"Hey, my ears are fine. I guess I'm getting used to your wife's *****ing."

"Aha, very funny."

"****, nevermind," said Caster as he cleaned out his ear with a finger. "The dried-up blood saved me."

"Wait. Did you say 'First Blood,' darling?"

"Mhmm! Someone died, honey!"

"I love it when you say die."


"Uh...I mean, I love you."

"Melee, don't! Not in front of Caster..."

To anyone else, it would have looked like Melee was a desperate and delusional psycho that was having the time of his life flirting with himself. However, Caster understood that Melee was actually just flirting with a disembodied voice. He understood that Melee was perfectly sane and was undoubtedly in complete control of his words and actions.

That was why Caster suddenly had a tormenting desire to kill Melee and plaster his intestines all over the lane.

"No. Calm down, Caster. It's just temporary."

"Noooo, you're the best!"

"Hehe no, you are!"

"No, you are!"

"Nooo, you!"

"Youuuuu-GAH! AGHHH!"

"...Honey? What's wrong?"

"Don't worry, Summoner Lady. He just tripped over a rock," said Caster, flicking the blood off his wand. He dragged Melee's unconscious body over to a bush so that he could recuperate. It probably hadn't been the wisest of moves, but Caster's hand had acted on its own.

"...ugh. What happened?"

"You tripped over a rock is what happened. You ****ing dumbass."

"...Really? But there's this huge gash on the back of my head..."

"...Yeah. Cause you landed on your head, you ****ing dumbass."

"I was really worried, Melee..." boomed the Summoner Lady's voice.

"Sorry, dar- I mean...sorry."

"What's wrong?" asked Caster. "You stuttered there."

"I don't know. I just didn't want to use a certain word for some reason."

Excellent. His body is learning.

"Oh yeah. Before I tripped on that rock, weren't we talking about something...?"

"You mean First Blood? Yeah. Looks like the battle's already started. It's a good thing we got off the lanes or we might've gotten caught between minion waves."

"Oh. Was that all?"

"One more thing. You ****ing dumbass."

"...Thanks. By the way, honey. Who died?"

"Hm? Let's see...pictures, pictures, pictures..."

"Just check the one with the big red countdown next to their face."

"Oh! Here it is," said the Summoner Lady, peering down at the armored armadillo. "Alistar died."

"Alistar died...? Wasn't it Ashe and Sona down there?"

"Yeah. And Vayne with Alistar," said Caster after a moment's thought. He turned to catch Melee's eye.

"What the ****?" both said simultaneously.

"****, Alistar. You ****ing suck."

"Christ Alistar, go back to the ****ing farm and get milked or something. ****ing useless."

"Probably headbutted Ashe away while Vayne's trying to tower dive."

"****, he probably headbutted Vayne into the tower."

"Seriously, stay the **** out of the lane. Hell, just go back to the fountain and wait for your ****ty 5gp item. Even jungle Phreak couldn't salvage this much ****."

"Now I know why people eat so much meat. If all cows are meatheads like this ****ing Alistar, then they're getting a ****ing good value."

"At-least-don't-****ing-suck-ar, do your ****ing job."

"I feel bad for Vayne. Trolled by her teammate in addition to having no looks," said Caster with a shake of his head.

"Oh, so this is Vayne?" said the Summoner Lady cheerfully, spotting the armadillo's red-haired teammate. "She looks very pretty."

"...Honey. This is men's talk."

"Oh. Sorry..."

"She has a big heart," said Melee to Caster in an undertone.

"She's a bimbo, you ****."

"She's my bimbo. My Leblanc look-alike bimbo."

"...Oh look. Another rock."

"What? Where?"

"Ah, sorry. Must've been my imagination," said Caster, holding back his twitching wand arm.

"Well, better to be safe than sorry. Thanks for looking out for me, Caster."

"No problem. ****ing dumbass."


"Your wife must have nice ****."

Silence followed after Caster unconsciously muttered that statement. His arm jerked to his mouth as he realized what he had just said out loud. His eyes swiveled to Melee, who was staring at him speechlessly.


"Melee...calm down. That was just a misunderstan-"

"I KNOW, RIGHT!" said Melee, grasping Caster's hands. "You and I are seriously on the same wavelength, man!"

Caster's mouth moved up and down wordlessly. He paused and took a deep breath before nodding in agreement. Best to just go with the flow in situations like these.

"But anyways, enough drooling over my wife, Caster. Too much flattery will even get me a little uncomfortable."

"Why would you be the one that's uncomfortable...?"


"Well, what?"

"Now you know Katarina's up top for sure. Well, more sure than before anyways. What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean what am I going to do? Why does it even matter?"

Melee raised an eyebrow at Caster's response.

"I thought for sure you'd cry bloody murder and start running to top lane," said Melee, smiling wryly. Caster averted his eyes for a moment before snorting and rolling his neck.

"Who do you think I am, you? There's no way we can do that right now with the minion waves coming through. It'd be suicide trying to run through the enemy lines and it'd take too long going around them."

"Hehe. Looks like you finally cooled your head off."

"Can't have a ****ing dumbass like you show me up," said Caster. "Even if we do have items like Frozen Mallet on us, that doesn't change the fact that Katarina has Shunpo and Flash. By the time we do any damage to her, she's going to book it like a ****ing *****."

"That's right. So, there's only one way we can get her without giving her a chance to escape."

"Kill her in one ****ing shot."

"Or at the very least, we need to get the Red buff so we can have the damage-over-time effect and the slow," said Melee, hefting Frozen Mallet over his shoulder. "And we need to get this before she reaches too high of a level."

"The minion waves are coming in. That means the jungle should have spawned by now," said Caster. "We're near the Purple Team's jungle and they don't have a jungler."

"We already went over that."

"Shut up. I'm just trying to summarize our situation right now," said Caster, rubbing his chin as his mind churned. "We don't have any mana since we don't have skills, so maybe we should just rush the wolves and go to Red...?"

"No, we have to hit the Blue golem. Even if we don't need the buff, we need the exp."

"Do you think we should do the wolves first?"

"Yeah. Let's go check them out," said Melee, making his way through the brush. "Honey, we're going off to the wolf camp."

"Ok! Enjoy yourselves!"

"...Hey, Melee?"


"...Honestly, your wife is sort of weird."

"Yeah, well, so was your wife."



After a short period of time, the two minions finally exited the brush and began traversing the jungle. The wolf camp was just around the corner. The wolves were one of the weaker jungle monsters, but they possessed high critical strike chance and an even higher movement speed. Consequently, while many champions now decided to tackles wolves beforehand, leashing them required the jungler to confront them directly, so as to keep them from running off.

It was a perfect opportunity for Melee to test the items. Frozen Mallet with its 700+ health would allow him to withstand the wolves assault long enough for Caster to assist him finishing them off. Madred's Razors was going to be invaluable for clearing the jungle.

"...Hey, Caster. I just thought of something. What if the items don't work on us...?"

"Don't worry about it. You have two Frozen Mallets on you."

"Well, actually, I can't lift both of them, so I'm only using one."

"Either way, you have a huge surplus of health. Even if the items don't work, you won't die."

"Oh yeah! You're right. Haha, I was worrying over nothing."

I almost feel bad making him do the test run, thought Caster as they neared the wolf camp. But sacrifices had to be made. Besides, if the items didn't work, then they'd just have to run until the camp forcibly pulled the wolves back into place. A few potions and Melee would be back on his feet in no time.

Well, if the potions work.

Caster was pretty sure that everything would turn out fine.


"What? Is it another introduction joke? Because those are getting really old-"

"Where are the wolves?"

Caster came to a halt as he realized that the wolf camp was empty. But that couldn't be possible. There was no jungler on the other team. Had their jungler taken advantage of that fact and decided to start in the enemy jungle?

"**** it. Blue Golem?"

"Yeah. ****, we wasted a bunch of time," said Melee, hurrying ahead. "Who's our jungler?"


"****. I always hated that guy."

"Yeah, that ****er," mumbled Caster as they raced towards the Blue Golem.

"Wait a minute...if Yi cleared the wolves, then doesn't that mean he cleared the Blue Golem...?"

"Probably. But there's a chance that he was interrupted. Even if the Blue Golem isn't there, we can cross the river and head for our Red. If Yi is clearing the jungle on this side, then he should either be back at base or heading for our Blue on the other side by the time we reach Red."

"Alright, sounds like a plan."

"****. Blue camp is gone too."

"Holy ****. ****ing Yi!" said Melee, preparing to dash out of the brush.

"Wait wait! Wha...what the ****?"

Suddenly, the Ancient Golem and two small lizards had appeared in the Blue camp.

"Is that...the Blue Golem?"

"...What the **** is going on?" said Caster. The Blue Golem had just spawned now? Even if Yi had killed the Blue Golem, it took five minutes for the golem to respawn. There was no way that they had taken that long to reach the Blue camp. But, then the only possible explanation was...

"The minion waves didn't hit yet?" said Melee, realization flashing across his face.

"Seems like it," said Caster.

That explained why the wolf camp had been empty too. He had assumed that First Blood had been taken during the initial confrontation of minion waves. But of course, First Blood could also be taken before the minion waves arrived.

"Christ, that ****ing Alistar. There weren't even any minions..."

"I bet that ****er got Revive."

"Well, whatever. This works out for us. Now we just take care of the Blue Golem and go through the regular jungle path."

"Alright. How should we attack?"

"Ok, listen up. First, you'll distract him by going from the front and then I'll do a triple-axle to the side and Hail Mary on starboard-"

"Wait wait, what? Hail Mary on starboard?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds crazy-"

"Crazy? It doesn't even make sense. What the **** are you talking about-"

"Look, just shut up, it'll all make sense at the end-"

"Hey! What the **** was that?"

One of the small lizards moved away from the golem and eyed the bush suspiciously.

"Oh ****."

"Shh! He doesn't know we're here."

"Who THE **** just said that?"

"...You ****ing dumbass," said Caster.

"Get out here! Get the **** out here right now, whoever you ****ing **********s are! I don't give a **** if yo ****ing ****ing each other's ****er **** **** ****ing **** in the ****! Show yo ****ing selves, *****es!"

"Jesus Christ, how many times did he use the word '****'?" muttered Caster as the two minions walked out with their hands raised.

"Oh! Oho! What have we got here? What the **** have we got here? Minions! I ****ing knew it. What the **** are you ******s doing in the ****ing jungle?"

"Look, calm down man-"

"Calm down? You telling me to calm down? You? YOU, ****ER?"

"We don't want any trouble-"

"I bet you don't! I bet you don't!" said the lizard, marching up to Melee. "SOMETHING FUNNY, SPAWN****? WHY YOU GOT A SMILE ON YO FACE, HUH? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT'S SO ****ING FUNNY?"

"No, no, that's just the way my hood is designed. It curves up into a V down there and sometimes people think I'm smiling-"


Melee fell silent. The lizard snorted and moved down the line onto Caster.

"Hey man, you better be careful with what you say-"

"I BETTER BE CAREFUL? YOU JUST SAY THAT I BETTER BE CAREFUL? OH, **** NO. OHHHH SHIIIITT. Some ****** spawn**** just told me that I better be careful! Well, **** son! I better be ****ing careful then!"

The lizard poked Caster in the chest and gave a short laugh. The tip of Caster's wand began glowing violently.

"Oh, what's that? What's that? No, no, don't put it away. Show me yo little Gandalf thing. Yeah, let's see that ****. Oh ****, you ****er. You packing, huh? I'm scared ****less!" said the lizard, tapping the crystal on Caster's wand. "**** *****, you gonna kill a troll with this?"








Instantly, the lizard drew back and flicked out a gun.

"Holy ****!" said Melee, throwing his hands back in the air.

"Holy ****!" said Caster, his eyes riveting on the flintlock single-barreled pistol.

"Yeah, that's right. Not so mouthy now, huh *****? You know what this is? I ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS."

"Just take it easy-"


"You didn't even shoot once..."

Melee clamped a hand to his mouth as the lizard turned back to him.

"What was that? Was that what I think I heard? You saying a COMPLAINT about what I said?"

"N-No, nothing like that-"


"Holy ****, he stole that gun from Gangplank!"

"Yeah, no ****ing **** Melee."


This was a disaster. Held at gunpoint by a crazed lizard monster. Caster couldn't believe it. He hadn't expected Gangplank's pistol to show up here. Even though they could probably take a shot and live, the pistol would do enough damage to ruin their chances at getting Blue.

They had no choice. All they could do was ride this thing out and hope that the lizard let his guard down. Which wasn't going to be too hard from the looks of it.

"You know why I'm gonna shoot you, I'm gonna shoot you, yeaaah, I'm ****ing gonna shoot you-"

"No, no, don't shoot me-"

"II'mmmmm gonna shoot you-"

"Don't do it-"

"I like gold in my pants."



"Y-You don't wear pants!"


"I don't have a tail!"

"What the **** is wrong with you sick pieces of ****, you ****ing mutantbabies-"

Caster sighed as the lizard began frisking Melee's robe for some sign of a tail. He lowered his hands and began aiming his wand at the lizard's back-


All three of them froze as laughter suddenly filled the air. Turning around revealed a second small lizard, looking blankly at nothing and clapping his hands slowly.

"Ha! Ha...haa..haha...haaaa!" The lizard lift his hands up into the air and continued clapping as he laughed.

"What...Charlie! What the **** you doing!"

"Charlie?" said Melee and Caster.

"Oh, ****n...man. Li...Lis...Listeeen to meeee," said Charlie, a great big smile on his face as he waddled over to the lizard monster. "You want to hear this. Youuu wannttt to heaarr this."

"****, Charlie, I'm ****ing busy! Just get back, just get the ****-****! You reek, Charlie!"

"Nononononono! Don't don't...just listeeen...hahaa...just haha...listen...haha...hahahahaha!"

Charlie broke out into uncontrollable laughter and rolled onto the ground. Melee and Caster gave each other bewildered looks.

"You know...you know," started Charlie again, his words punctuated with gasps and laughs. He raised his index fingers and began pointing at the lizard monster. "You...you look great. You look awesome! You ARE. The man!"

"...Is that guy alright?" said Melee under his breath to Caster.

"How the hell would I know?"

"Man...man. Listen. LIISTEEEN."

"Alright! Alright! I'm ****ing listening, Charlie. What the **** you want!"

"Did you...haha...did you know? Haaahaa...this gonna, this gonna blow yo mind. I swear, haha, I I...I...yeah. Blooooooowwww yooo mind!"

"****, Charlie, what the **** you trying to say-"

"Maaaan look! Look over there! Look at him! Look at him!" squeaked Charlie, his voice getting higher with each word. He pointed at the Blue Golem and said, "He's blue. Blllluuuuuuuuuuue aaaahahaha!"

Caster and Melee exchanged more looks as Charlie began laughing so hard that he was on the verge of collapsing.

"Hey lizard dude...I don't want to be the one pointing it out but..."

"Yeah...I think Charlie's baked."

"Shut yo mouth! He's not baked! He quit that stuff years ago, so shut yo dirty ****ing spawn-"

"Hey man, let me see that!"

Suddenly, Charlie snatched the gun from the lizard's hands and pointed it at them.


"HOLY ****! Baked guy has the gun!"

"God **** it! And I thought this couldn't get any worse," said Caster, raising his hands up again.

"Ma, man, what is this, man? This...this looks fahnny. Really fahnny," said Charlie, giggling as he waved the gun.

"Yo Charlie, put that thing down-"

"Don't point it here, Charlie-!"

"Christ, get that way from me!"

"Haha, you guys are fahnny. Ha ha haa...what you are guys doing? Man, what you doing, haha."


A smoking hole appeared on the spot five inches from the end of Caster's robe.

"GOD **** IT!" said Caster, jumping into Melee's arms.

"Gah...you're ****ing heavy..."

"Jesus Christ, for ****'s sake! Control your ****ing friend, you ****ing son of a *****!"

"Wha-what you want me to do?" said the lizard, keeping his eyes on Charlie.

"Do something, you ****! You're the ****ing one that let him get the gun!"

"Yeah! You guys are best pals, right? Do something, you ****!"

"Aite, aite! Calm down, *****es! I got this! I got this!"


An enormous bloody hole appeared in the lizard's leg, so quickly that only a single drop of blood landed on the ground.


The lizard monster screamed as he fell to the ground, clutching his leg.


Charlie sat next to the Blue Golem and began throwing white bags into the air. They burst as they hit the ground, covering Charlie with snowy dust.


"Holy ****, is that what I think it is-"

"Seriously, lizard, your friend has a big problem-"

"MY ****ING LEG!"

Caster waved away the approaching dust and grabbed a hold of Gangplank's gun from the ground. He backed away, aiming it at the Blue Golem.

An idea had just sparked into his mind.

"Hey, *****. Your lizards just got owned and you can't do **** until we attack you, right?"

The Blue Golem glanced at him through the corner of his eye.

"Charlie there just bust open a bunch of coke. And we all know that coke is cut. With this much dust in the air, if it's cut with flour or sugar, I think we can count on an explosion. So let's play some Russian roulette. Think I'll hit a crit?"

Sweat poured down from the Blue Golem's face as the camp spell forced it to stay immobilized. Caster cocked the gun and grinned.


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Those Minions - 10

Summoner's Rift. Bottom lane.

"You really don't know the meaning of restraint, do you Garen?"

"I don't think you should be talking, Twisted Fate. Who was the one throwing cards randomly in three directions?"

"I aim those cards, as you well know. In any case, it's far more precise than your wild spinning. Spin2win, was it?"

"Oh, I aim with my spin too. The spirit of Demacia guides me," said Garen, stretching the tendons in his neck.

"Heh. Well, no matter the means, we accomplished our task. It will be a while before Graves and Soraka come back."

"That's right. Isn't that all that matters? Besides, we have a nice present for Caitlyn when she comes back."

"I suppose so," said Twisted Fate after a short laugh.

The two champions turned to face a road of bloodied, tattered minions. Their robes were shredded and cards were impaled in their flesh, like grave markers. Although they were immobilized from their wounds, not a single one of them had died. Every minion still possessed the sliver of life necessary for a last hit.

"But this is tiresome," said Garen, swinging his sword back and forth in front of him. "How long do we have to mind this lane for Caitlyn?"

"We just have to wait for the next minion wave and then we can move on," said Twisted Fate, taking a seat at the turret's base.

"Aghh...maybe we shouldn't have cleared that wave on the way up here," said Garen, strolling through the rows of minion bodies. "There shouldn't be another minion wave for a while."

"Well, it's fine. We will be regrouping at dragon soon, either way."

"Damn...I really want to spin through a couple more minions..." said Garen impatiently. "When's the next wave coming!"


A weak, shaky voice suddenly reached Garen's ears. He stopped flailing his sword around and looked down at his feet. A torn up minion with its face in the ground was clenching his boot.

"Oh? You still have the strength to talk? Impressive little minion, aren't you?"

Garen kicked the hand holding his boot aside and knelt down. The purple caster minion struggled to lift his head. His eyes burned as he stared into the Demacian's face.


"I can't tell if you're insulting me or praising me," said Garen, chuckling.

"Garen. Don't tease the minions."

Twisted Fate called out from the turret, although his tone sounded more amused than serious.

"What are you saying, Twisted Fate? This little minion has something to say to me. As a proud and noble champion, I have an obligation to hear out what he wants to say."

"Damn champions...you're filth."

"Filth, you say? I can't seem to grasp your meaning, little minion. Just what exactly are you referring to?"

"Leaving us all half-dead...not even having the guts to finish us off...you're ****ing despicable. ****ing pieces of ****...that's all you guys are."

"Hahaha...did you hear him, Twisted Fate? He called us despicable. And just what is so despicable about this, minion? Have you never heard of technique? It's quite a feat to bring this many minions to the edge of death and keep them there. Truth be told, I'm being merciful. If I was as truly despicable as you said I am, then I would have killed every single one of you from the very beginning."

"That's better than leaving us here, rotting in the dirt-!"

"Wrong, little minion. Look past your insignificant deaths. What is your purpose here? To assist champions in their battle. Of course, neither Twisted Fate nor I would mind taking your life. Extra gold is always more beneficial. However, Caitlyn is a bit lacking today, so we need to have her come up to scratch. I think that the benefits of a farmed Caitlyn carries more than enough importance for your enduring a few minutes of pain."


A few minutes of pain. That was true. In the strictest sense of the time that passed in Summoner's Rift, the pain would only be for a few minutes. Once Caitlyn arrived, she could quickly wipe out half the minions with her Piltover Peacemaker. However, a minion's lifespan was short. Far shorter than that of a champion's. A few minutes in reality, but when considering relativity, that was as much as a year in minion time.

A year of suffering.

A year of feeling your body slowly exploited by soil, infection, rabid insects-

A year of resting in the pool of your own congealing blood-

A year of feeling your body's liquids dribbling out of the wounds, the sense of your life slipping away drop by drop-

The panic-

The fear-

The chilling wave that crept through your limbs-

The agonizing burn from your wounds biting, constantly gnawing, scratching incessantly like crawling spiders inside your skin-

Those that were unconscious were fortunate. They simply had to dream until the end came. But for the rest, the pain, the anxiety, the knowledge of knowing death-

They could not rest.

"This is why I detest talking with minions. They never see sense..."

"Come now, Garen. How can you expect a minion to understand a champion's point of view? Their lives are just a blink compared to ours. Show some pity."

"You're right, Twisted Fate. It's not often that you see a minion with integrity and determination. I value that highly, minion."

Garen sighed and stood up.

"Very well, minion. I will tell Caitlyn to kill you last. Although it's perhaps not in the best of conditions, you do get the chance to live a little longer. Do what you will and be proud of it, minion. It is not often that a minion lives this long in front of a champion."

Proud? PROUD? You call this living...leaving us unable to even die, be proud of this ****ing bullcrap, **** you, **** you DON'T ****ING SPOUT THAT ****, I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU ****ING CHAMPION, YOU ****ER-

I won't let you go...




****ING *******!

Garen cried out as sharp pain ignited in his lower leg. A melee minion lance had stabbed through the flesh, scraping against the bone as it passed. The half-dead caster minion smirked wearily as his hand fell away from the lance's hilt.

"Min...minion..." said Garen, his words coming out unsteadily as he took deep, jagged breaths of anger. His lips curled and his teeth ground against each other as he jerked the caster minion up with one hand.

The minion uttered a hoarse laugh as his legs dangled in the air.

"You...said that I could do what I want..."

Every muscle from the cords of his neck down to the clenched hand around the minion's neck tightened. Garen's expression, which had been appraising and somewhat entertained by the minion earlier, was now etched with fury.



Garen's sword stopped an inch from the minion's neck. Twisted Fate had gotten off the turret and moved to a few steps behind Garen.

"Calm yourself, Garen. He's baiting you," said Twisted Fate, putting a steady hand on Garen's shoulder.

"Baiting? It's simply the truth," said the minion, barely able to push air out his throat. The grip around his neck had stopped tightening, but did not loosen.

Garen took a deep breath through his nose and then exhaled out his mouth.

"You're right, Twisted Fate. I almost lost myself there. Thank you."

Garen lowered the minion from the air, but did not relinquish his grip. With his free hand, Garen took his sword and stabbed it through a fold of the minion's robe..

"What...what are you doing?" said the minion as he was lifted back into the air again. Garen placed the sword against his shoulder so that the minion hung off his back. "Just kill me already!"

"Oh no, little minion. You are special. I have already told you that you are a minion I hold in high esteem. Because of that, I offered to extend your life. Yet, you returned the favor by wounding my leg."

The sound of splashing water reached the minion's ears as Garen began wading into the river. What's he doing...where are we going...?

"To a special minion like that, I can't simply kill you. How could I? Such an ignoble death...hardly worthy for a minion of your stature."

Heavy breaths expelled from the caster minion's mouth. Every time Garen moved, the Demacian's shoulder struck into the minion's solarplex. He could scarcely breathe. And his mind continued to race, trying to understand, trying to reveal Garen's intentions from his rambling speech.

We're heading for the dragon...

Suddenly, a thought blossomed in the minion's mind.

He's going to feed me to the dragon! Haha...is that all? Is that all you can ****ing think of, you ****ing worthless champion. Now that's something Garen-like, isn't it! You muscle-headed ******! That's right, feed me to the dragon. Like I ****ing care! It'll probably turn on you! You moron...****ing moron...haha...hahaha...

Garen came to a stop. The dragon was nowhere in sight.


"This looks like a good spot. What do you think, minion?"

"What...what are you..."

"You haven't figured it out yet? Well, I suppose that's all I should have expected from a minion..."

What is this fool talking about...? It's not the dragon? Then what's he planning? There's nothing here...no brush, no turrets...just the river...

"There are a lot of spells in this place," said Garen, looking up at the cloud-ridden sky. "Magical warfare nearly tore apart Runeterra in the past and that is why we champions do battle in the Fields of Justice. These spells contain and protect the rest of the world from the conflict between city-states."

"...So what?"

"So, little minion. Just how many spells do you think have been cast on you?"


"What are you..."

"Have you ever received damage from anything other than a champion or another minion?"

Uncontrollable shivers ran through the minion's body. What's he talking about? Of course I haven't, I mean, isn't that obvious, there's no way that a minion would-

No way that a minion would-


No way that a minion would...?


The minion's eyes widened as his mind captured the thought.

What am I talking about?

"What do you think, little minion? Do you think it will kill you?"

"...Kill me?" What will-

"Being drowned."


The word pierced through the cloud in the minion's mind. He jerked violently, his back impaling on the sharp blade. Screaming as hot blood splattered down his back, he tore the robe on the blade's edge and fell into the river. Clouds of red began staining the blue water as the minion scrabbled through the river, clawing at rocks and pads, propelling himself as far away as possible-

Garen's large hand wrapped around his bleeding wound. The minion shrieked in pain as the Demacian lifted him into the air once again.

"Don't run, minion. What happened to all your courage?"

No no stop don't don't don't don't

"It's fascinating, really. There are many champions that would react the same as you are if they faced the prospect of drowning. But you...you're simply a minion. A mindless soldier that fears death? Such a thing is hardly possible..."


"But...all facts of life must be confirmed."


Cold water exploded into the minion's mouth, throwing his words back down his throat. His limbs thrashed, trying to find some purchase in the water, something to grab onto and pull himself out-

Garen's hand thrust his head down deeper into the water. The movement forced water into the minion's nose, causing him to cough and release the rest of his air. His mouth snapped shut immediately, cutting into his tongue. Bubbles frothed in the water as the minion screamed, speckles of blood seen in the mist underneath. Garen pushed the minion down until his face was grinding into the grimey soil at the bottom.






His limbs burned. His lungs throbbed with such strength that it felt as his ribs would burst out of his chest. He thrashed and thrashed and thrashed, but he could not get his head up. The water was sticking to his arms and legs, weighing them down, dragging them to death-


But he couldn't. Water had already begun to enter his lungs, triggering his gag reflex. He coughed and sputtered, trying to expel the water from his system, but Garen's hold only forced more water past his lips. He knew he wouldn't die. He knew that he was safe. But his body didn't believe him. His body continued to struggle, to grow tired, to grow cold and lethargic, and his mind succumbed to its belief.

He was lying...

I'm going to die...

I'm losing consciousness...

This is it...

This is the end...

Simple words. Simple phrases. But the terrifying fear expanded inside of him like a bomb. He couldn't hold it in. His thrashings stopped, but his body continued to shiver. His mouth refused to open, even as his lungs thudded against his chest. When lack of air forced his teeth apart, more water would come in, and his jaw would lock his mouth close. And then it would open again, sucking in more water, mixing with bile and vomit in his esophagus-


The minion tried to vomit water out of his mouth while sucking in air at the same time. The water erupted from his mouth, dribbling down his chin and showering like rain on the river's surface.

"Well, well. It looks like you didn't die after all," said Garen, holding the minion up. The minion didn't reply. He only gasped desperately for air, filling the body which had tightened so severely that every single muscle had cramped. He was in agony and tears were streaming down his face.

But he was alive.

He was alive.

"You're quite lucky. Let's try again."


But it was too late. Once again, his face broke through the water's surface.

And once again, the frightening terror seized him.


His body floated limply along the surface of the river. His head was bent, trailing aimlessly forward.


His eyes and lips were gone. They had been devoured by small creatures in the river.


His last sight had been the murky blue of the water. Blurred and dark.


Fifteen times. He had been plunged into the water fifteen times before dying.


Cast opened his eyes. Beside him, Mill was shaking his sleeve, looking concerned. They were at the beginning of bottom lane, trailing behind a siege minion.

"...I'm sorry. I had a blank," said Cast, rubbing his eyes.

"Are you alright? You looked like you were in pain."

"No...just an unpleasant memory."

"I see," said Mill, letting go of his sleeve. "The first minion wave has made contact. First Blood was taken."

"First Blood...? Who was killed?"

"Rammus. I believe that Katarina was in the lane with him."

"And our team has Irelia in bottom lane? Strange...I wonder what made the champions make such a decision..."

"But this may be useful for us. Irelia is alone in the lane."

"Yes...this may turn out to be in our favor..."

Cast looked up at the cloud-ridden sky. Always the same sky. No matter when he stood on the field.

He couldn't help but smile bitterly.

"As the first minion wave has hit, that must mean that dragon will spawn soon?"

"Yes. I'm sure that the jungle monsters have already spawned."

"I see," said Cast. "Then we only have to wait a little longer."

"Also...we received news from the Blue team."

"And that is?"

"Two minions were found leaving the base before the battle began."

"Oh? How strange. Where were they headed?"

"We don't know. They simply left and haven't been seen since. However, they didn't seem to be PCs..."

"I see. Well, perhaps we'll come across them. And of PC?"

"He is still with his protege, Primey. Ashe and Sona have joined them up in top lane."

"Ashe has? I see...perhaps the lane change wasn't a random decision after all."

"The rest of us are waiting for your command," said Mill.

"I see. It seems things are going smoothly so far," said Cast, moving forward. "But do not forget, Mill. There are still many secrets that Summoner's Rift holds. We should be cautious to the very last step."


Cast looked back up at the sky once last time. His eyes hardened as the memory flashed through his mind again.

That sky...

That unchanging sky...


"Yes, Cast?"

The bitter smile lingered on Cast's lips as he lowered his head.

"Have you ever seen such a despairing sky?"

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Frost Archer

Senior Member


Whoa, What. The. Flying. F*CK?

My mind has been completely blown. I usually hate it when people make to many references to the game mode in LoL, but you make it funny! I thought that the minions' wife was Ashe at first. With her hood and all...

Not too sure what to say, so good job, I guess....

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Those Minions - 11

"...Ah. ****."

Wolves. The wolves in the jungle had gotten him. Any moment now, he was going to die. Unable to escape their clutches, Melee had only survived because the binding of the wolf camp had been too strong for the wolves to escape. Just as Melee made one last desperate roll into one of the bushes, the wolves had been forced to retreat.

He laughed bitterly as blood from the slash marks ran down his torso. If only he had been a minion. Minions could respawn after death. Well, then again, he wasn't sure if that applied to wolves. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered. He would've died anyways.

It was karma after all.

It was what he deserved.

She died because of me.

The beautiful female minion. He hadn't even learned her name. And yet, he had brought her to her death.

It was all his fault.

"****. I have such a bad taste in my mouth right now," muttered Melee as the drifting sky over his head blurred. He had tried to make it to the Blue base, but he had only gotten as far as the entrance to the jungle. The ominously glowing turret had stopped his progress. There was nowhere left for him to go. Nothing left for him to do.

Just die already.

All his fault.

He was a murderer.

"I didn't even know female minions existed," said Melee, laughing with a slightly hysteric edge. It was true though. Female minions were the stuff of legends. Having seen a female minion that was as beautiful as a champion...

Seriously, maybe he had dreamed it all?

"That'd be nice, I guess," muttered Melee. His vision was darkening. Strength and feeling had began to leave his limbs. So, this was the end. This was what death felt like. It really wasn't as bad as what people made it out to be. Was he scared? Sure. He was scared. But that was all. Perhaps, it was fortunate that Melee was the one dying instead of someone else.

Because Melee was more frightened of the life he was leaving behind than the void of death.

What had he done with his life? Fought. Killed. Done nothing but put his life at stake, like it was a bunch of gambling chips. Wasn't it fitting that when he died, no one was there to see him? That he died a dog's death, killed by a bunch of feral dogs in the first place.

He wanted to laugh.

But he felt tears in his eyes instead.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But the gnawing feeling wouldn't go away. The hole in his stomach was expanding. Even at death, the guilt continued to curse him. Spite him. Stamp on him while he was down.

A waste. Her death had been a waste. He hadn't even been able to apologize to her husband. The one in the Blue base.

The one he had hoped to see before he died.

But wasn't that for the best? What would he do if he met her husband? Beg for forgiveness? Apologize? Try to make him understand that it had been a turn of unfortunate events beyond his control?

**** it.

He would rather die alone in the jungle than do a shameless thing like that. Whatever the reason, he was responsible for her death. There was no getting around it.

There was no running away from it.


A distant echo rang in his ears. Was this the so-called bells of heaven calling for him? He was so sure that he'd be sent to hell, or wherever the **** minions went. Well, maybe even the guys up top made mistakes. Maybe they thought, poor little guy. He got killed by wolves, can you believe that? Let's give him a break.

Yeah. Give me a break. I couldn't do anything. It was out of my hands. I'm innocent.

I'm innocent.


Melee screamed as blood suddenly burst from his mouth like a geyser. He gasped painfully as his insides writhed violently, feeling as if they would explode out of his stomach.









"Hey! HEY! Stop-stop moving! Hold still!"


He couldn't bear it. His body was renewed with energy, but only to thrash, to shriek in pain as he was burned and shredded into pieces. Soon, his throat locked. His veins popped and blood began spewing from every orifice he possessed as he mouthed desperately at the air, unable to even release a shout now.

He fell slack. He felt every muscle loosen. This was it. Everything was spent now. His eyes were closing.

This was the end of his life.

"Haa...haa...****. Maybe I hit him with too much power."

Caster wiped the sweat from his brow as the crystal on his wand dimmed. He had struck the guy with a magic blast, hoping to knock some sense back into him. The guy had stopped thrashing around, but now there was even more blood leaking out of his body.

"****. This was a new robe too..."

On that day, Melee was brought into the Blue base on Caster's back, his wounds tightly wrapped with strips of blue fabric.


"Yeah, so I ****ed that chick up real good, cause damn hoe, you don't **** with Big Harry."

"Yeah? What'd you do to her?"

"Taught that ***** a lesson. A real good lesson. You know how hard it is to find someone who can make a decent Reuben sandwich nowadays?"

"You didn't. You ****ing didn't. Really?"

"Damn straight."

"****, let me come over man. I love Reubens."

"Oh, hey. It's Marco. Yo, Marco!"

"What the ****ing hell do you want, Harold? If it's bull****, I'll kill you. I'm being hardcore about this."

"Nice to see you too, Marco."

"Oh, you're here too, Lion-O? What do you want? I'll kill you."

"You mean, if it's bull****, you'll kill me?"

"No, I just want to kill you. I ****ing hate you. Get the **** away from me. Ten feet at all times, *****. Don't look at me. Don't listen to me. Don't you even think about me."

"Yo, Marco. You like Reuben sandwiches, right?"

"Yeah. I like them."

"Good, cause I'm having a party tonight and my ***** is making me sandwiches."

"I'll kill her."

"Lay off, Marco. What's got you so pissy today?"

"I'm not pissy. I'm happy. Didn't you hear about the new minion recruit?"

"Yeah. He's not a real recruit yet though. What was his name? Meaty?"

"Melee. I'll ****ing kill him."

"Yeah, you go do that."

"Yo, you think he likes Reubens?"

"I don't know. Why don't you go ask?"

"Naw, he's still healing up. I'd be a ***** if I go ask him about some sandwiches right now."

"I'll ****ing kill those sandwiches."

"That was some sight though. When Caster came in with that guy, I was like '**** MAN. WHAT THE ****?'"

"****ing looked like he got put through a blender."

"****ing kill that blender."

"Seriously, Marco. Shut up."

"You know I said ten feet at all times? It'll be ten feet under if you don't mind your own damn business."

"Oooh, I'm scared."

"Chill out, Lion-O."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I just don't think it's really funny to make a joke when we're talking about a guy who almost got killed by wolves."

"...****ing kill those wolves."

"You're a jackass, Marco."

"How's that ****er doing anyways? Any of you heard?" said Marco, fending off Lion-O's punches.

"Pretty good for a broken *****. Caster's been taking care of him. They're like bros now."

"Yeah? I'll kill him."

"Naw, I don't think you want to," said Big Harry. "Or more like, you might be too late."



Melee threw Caster away from him, slamming the minion into the wall. He scampered away, his eyes wild and his teeth grinding cracks into each other.

"Melee, stop!"

Caster lunged forward, ignoring the pulsing pain from the dozens of bruises on his body. His hands grappled with Melee's, trying to tear away his fingers from the knife.

"Get away...get away...GET THE **** AWAY FROM ME!"

Caster flinched as Melee slashed the knife at his face. They had been fighting for the past hour. Caster's hands were bleeding from so many cuts that it was a wonder that his fingers hadn't fall off yet.

"Melee...put the knife down."

"Shut up...stay away..." said Melee, his voice low and trembling. He held the knife out threateningly.

"Melee, it's me. Caster. Calm down."

"I know...I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

"No, I don't think you do. I'm your friend, Melee."



"SHUT UP!" shouted Melee, thrusting the knife at his own neck. Caster instantly drew his wand and fired a blast at Melee's hand. The knife flew into the air, glinting dangerously. It clattered as it fell and bounced on the ground.

Melee clenched his hand and fell to his knees. The back of his fist was blackened and smoking.

"Melee, are you alrigh-"

"WHY! Why are you stopping me? Why did you save me!"


"You should've let me die! Why didn't you! Why the **** did you save me, you son of a *****! WHO THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

Melee panted heavily. Dark bags were under his eyes and the minion robe that he had been given was ripped and stained with blood. It had only been a week since he had been brought into the Blue base and his wounds had reopened from his sudden movements. Before, he had been too worn out to do anything while getting his wounds treated. But now that he had regained some of his strength, a kind of madness had possessed Melee.


He had escaped karma.

But that wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

He was supposed to die.

He had to die

Suddenly, Melee's face lit up. He didn't have the knife, but there was still a way. He grinned and opened his mouth.

Caster realized what he was planning in an instant. In the next second, he leapt across the room and jammed his hand down Melee's mouth.


Caster cried out as Melee's teeth sunk into his hand. But that was fine. He had made it. If he had been a second later, Melee would've bitten through his own tongue.

"Do you really want to die that badly?" said Caster, his words hoarse as Melee's teeth continued sinking into his flesh. But he couldn't back out. Melee was planning on swallowing his own tongue and suffocating. It was possible, but the chances were slim. It was a tactic full of desperation. Caster clenched his teeth as Melee bit harder in response.

"Ghh! Damn it, Melee!" said Caster, his face twisted with pain. "...I don't know why you want to die. I don't know what happened to you or what you're thinking, but this isn't something you should ever do!"

Shut up, shut up, shut up-


Caster. That was the name. The name of her husband.

He knew it was him. There was no mistaking it.

He had the same Doran's Ring on his hand that she had worn on hers.

You don't know. You're only saying that because you don't know. If you knew, you wouldn't give a ****! You'd kill me yourself!

He'd tell him. He'd tell this self-righteous *******. Exactly what happened to his wife. Exactly how she died. He'd tell him every single detail and then he'd understand. Maybe then he wouldn't be so arrogant! Something he shouldn't ever do? Bull****. BULL****. It was what he HAD TO DO. It was the only way, the only way to make things right!

You want to know? You want to know, don't you, you son of a *****. I'll tell you. I'll tell you ALL OF IT. I'LL GRIND IT INTO YOUR EARS AND THEN LET'S SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THEN. LET'S SEE IF YOU THINK I STILL DESERVE TO LIVE, YOU ****ING *******!

Melee jerked his head to the side and spat out Caster's hand. He wiped the blood from his mouth and raised his face-

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why! It's because your wi-"

The words slammed back into Melee's throat as, suddenly, Caster's fist drove into his face. The force of his blow was so great that Melee was thrown into the wall, the impact causing him to bite down fiercely into his tongue.


Melee's hands clamped over his mouth and he hunched over the ground, all thoughts wiped by the pain that was flooding into his head. He retched from the intensity of it, dribbling bile and blood onto the floor. A few feet away, Caster was staring down at him, breathing hard.

"Hurts? Yeah, I bet it does," said Caster, cracking his knuckles. Melee replied with a muffled scream. "Did you say I should've let you die? Yeah...right. Someone like you doesn't deserve to die. You think that'll help you? You think it'll do some good? ****! If you really think that, then you have no ****ing clue!"

Melee tightened his fist and glared at Caster. It hurt. It ****ing hurt. His cheek, his mouth, his tongue, his chest, everywhere, it ****ing hurt.

"I can tell. I know. I can see it in your eyes. The only reason you want to die is because that's the only thing you're not scared of. You want to die because you want to escape. Isn't that right, you ****er!"

"So what..." said Melee in a rattling breath. "So what! You going to tell me something like 'A man doesn't run away?' Hah...HAH! My way's wrong, is that it?"

The look Caster gave him stopped him. It held back the rest of the words he wanted to say. It held back his breath for the slightest of seconds. A look of pity and concern.

A sorrowful expression.

What are you...don't look at me. Don't look at me like that!

"There's nothing wrong with running away," said Caster quietly. "But I don't think that's what you were aiming for."

"What do you know..."

"I don't. I don't know anything about you. All I know is that it'd be too sad if you just died for no reason."

But there is a reason. There is a reason...


I'm scared.

...I just want to close the door.

Melee raised his head to meet Caster's eyes.

"Melee. If you die, it's over. It's not going to help anyone. It's not going to save you. It just means, that's it. That's all you could do."

That's right...

What else can I do...?

"Do you really think you dying will change anything? Do you really think that the only thing left for you to do is die?"

Melee didn't answer. He couldn't answer. His mind was empty. His heart was frozen.

What was the point in closing the door when the monster was already inside?

"If you really think so...then I'll help."

Caster picked up the knife from the floor and held it out to Melee. Melee stared blankly at the knife, at the reflection of himself in the knife.

A pitiful minion with sunken eyes and defeat etched into his body.


It was truly disgusting.

"Kill me," said Melee. "I can't...see myself anymore..."

Caster closed his eyes.


He raised the knife. Melee bowed his head.

The knife swung down.

And stabbed into the floor.

"An outsider named Melee died today. Caster minion Caster killed him with a knife."

Melee stared at Caster in confusion.

"We have a new recruit with us today. His name is Melee. No longer an individual, but a minion. The melee minion Melee."

Caster held out his bloodied hand and smiled.

"Good to see you here, comrade."


"And that's why I was so pissed at these wolves."

"...You know, these wolves weren't the ones that slaughtered your ass."

"Yeah, well, **** wolves."

"...Whatever, just give me back Madred's."

"You know, having a 20% chance to do 300 magic damage to any target minion/monster makes me feel pretty badass."

"With great power comes great responsibility. Hand it over."

"Nah, I think I'll hold onto it."

"Would you convince your husband, Summoner Lady? You know this idiot's just going to hurt himself with those."

"Melee, sweetie-"

"No, Summoner Lady! Stop taking Caster's side in all of this! I have a logical construct backing me up here! The physical damage dealer with higher attack speed should have Madred's!"

"Shut the hell up and hand that thing over!"


"I'm going to ****ing beat the **** out of you if you don't give me that Madred's-"

"Save me, honey!"

"Run left, no right! He's coming back around, reverse direction-!"

You know Caster...the truth is I did something unforgiveable to you...

To me? What are you talking about? You didn't even know me until a week ago-

I want to tell you. But...it's just not in me...

...I see. Well, whatever. That's fine with me.


If it's something unforgiveable, then I probably don't even want to know. It's fine if you don't want to tell me right now. Though, if you feel like telling me in the future, I wouldn't be against it either.

...Heh. That's all?

Just the beginning, man. Just the beginning. So, if you ever feel like spilling your guts out, I'll be here to beat the **** out of you.

Like you could do that...

What was that?

You heard me. *****.

You know, I don't hold back on comrades. Even if I did save your life.

Yeah? Bring it on, *****.

Give me your best shot.

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Those Minions - 12


"What...the **** is this?"

"Great idea, hoebag. Let's send all the other casters to top. More space for us, you said. All of it to ourselves, you said. ALL OF IRELIA, YOU *******?"

"****ing...god damn it! What the hell happened!? This doesn't even make sense! Irelia is not bottom material, FFS! What is this, PBE meta?"

"Well, at least Irelia can farm without worrying about pushing."

"Yeah. Thanks for telling me how my plan ended up being beneficial to Irelia. Now tell me how the **** PC GOT SONA AND ASHE!"

"Seems like it was Ashe's idea to switch lanes..."

"Perfect. This is just ****ing perfect."

"Christ, I never should've listened to you. You know, this is the reason why I'm your only friend."

"My only friend? Who'd you learn to count from, an Olympics judge?"

"Right, right. Have you been keeping up with the current Olympics?"

"Yeah, I have. Total screw-up. What the hell are those officials smoking?"

"Did you really watch the Olympics?"

"I told you, I've been keeping up on it. Through Facebook."

"Oh right, about Facebook. I heard that Lion-O from the Blue team got caught wanking it in the showers."

"No way. You're kidding."

"Totally serious."

"That's messed up."

"**** yeah it is."

"Why do we have a Thundercat here?"

"That's what I'm saying!"

"God, who's running this show?"

"Ain't you or me, or else this bull**** with Sona wouldn't have happened."

"No kidding. Alright, forget it. Maybe we'll be lucky and Irelia has a nice skin."

"Irelia with a nice skin..."

"Yeah, shut up. I know."

"By the way, where the **** is Irelia?"

"She's not here? Great, I don't have to see that ugly ***** for a few more secon-"

"Hey, what the ****! Why are you guys just standing around? Get back into posit-"

The two Nexus Caster minions stopped as bottom lane came into view.

"...Holy ****. What the **** happened here?"


Ashe grimaced as she tore the silver bolt from her thigh. It hadn't gone in very deep, but the wound wouldn't stop bleeding. She flipped an arrow from her quiver and grasped it tightly with her hand. She took a short inhale of breath, then stabbed it into the wound.

The pain hit in bursts and Ashe could barely suppress her voice. She drew in deep breaths as splinters of ice sealed and froze the wound. Once she was satisfied, Ashe broke the arrow from the ice and tossed it aside. Thick ice also coated the left side of her face.

Outside the bush, the sounds of swords clanging and cannons booming filled the air. Gunpowder and blood stained the ground. The bodies of minions were piling up on top of broken weapons and armors. As hopeless as it seemed, the battle was evenly matched. Ashe had been able to farm well, the extra gold from Hawkeye allowing her to keep up with the aggressive Vayne. Each confrontation had whittled away at Alistar and Vayne's health. However, even with ice-crusted wounds all over her body, Vayne had taken every opportunity to fire her bolts, focusing solely on Ashe. The never-ending barrage of attacks had emptied Sona's mana supply and forced them to take refuge in the bushes.

"Heal me once your mana has returned, Sona."

Sona nodded, although she didn't seem to be listening. Ashe couldn't blame her. The huddled figure next to her was a pitiful sight.


The bushes swept aside as PC came crashing in. His enormous body was caked with blood and he was panting heavily. He wiped his face and moved carefully towards Ashe and Sona.

"How is he?" said PC hoarsely.

"He wasn't hurt badly. There's only a shallow wound on his waist. But..."

Sona bit her lips and continued patting Primey. The minion shook uncontrollably at her touch.


"How's our current situation?"

Although Ashe felt a pang at PC's concerned gaze for Primey, she still needed to ask. PC glanced at her understandingly before speaking.

"...Ah don't know what they were thinking, but we only have two melee minions with us and Primey's one of them. Ah'm sorry, Ashe, but it's going to be hard on you."

With only two melee minions, the minion waves on Ashe's side would never push as far as the Blue team's. The caster minions' higher range meant that they wouldn't need to push as far as a melee minion to hit the enemy casters. Thus, Ashe would not be able to safely farm off the rear enemy minions. Of course, on the other side, Vayne had less pushing melee minions to farm from, but the safety zone for her farming was still quite large. With less opportunities to farm and Ashe forced to go deeper into enemy lines, Vayne had many chances to abuse her larger safety zone and harass.

"I don't think Vayne foresaw this, but nevertheless, it's a troubling factor..."

Ashe bit her thumbnail. The benefits of changing lanes were lost. So far it was even because Vayne was on the offensive, but as time went on, Ashe's farm would reduce and the harass would only grow stronger. These interferences with the battle had changed the flow for the worst. If Sona left now, they would be pushed to the turret. This would only quicken her decay in farm.

"Can we have the caster minions switch to attacking physically with their wands?"

"They can, but they won't survive long-"

"I know," said Ashe, lowering her eyes. "I'm-"

Ashe clamped her mouth shut before the sentence was finished. There was no point. No matter what she said, she was still sacrificing minions so that she could kill more minions. It was an endless slaughter that she could not stop. One started by her own hands.

A bitter taste filled Ashe's mouth. After all they said...after all I said. In the end, none of it mattered. In the end, I'm still doing the same thing.

Even after Primey...

"For now, Ah'll have the next wave slow their march. When they arrive here, we should be pushed to the turret."

Ashe nodded. The one good thing about all these caster minions was that they provided an even wall and their range meant that there was less chance of the turret eating the farm. PC took one more look at Primey before moving out again. After Sona regained her mana, they would regroup at the turret.


Primey continued shivering even as Sona cradled him against her breasts. Except for that, Primey exerted no other movements. His eyes were wild, but empty. The eyes of a minion that had seen the truth of the battlefield.

The brutality, the violence, the futility of their actions-

The cruel deaths of minions for the sake of gold and experience-

Lambs feeding bloodthirsty beasts-

All of it had been said. And now, Primey had seen it all firsthand. He realized that there was no lie in those words.

The moment Vayne had entered the battlefield, a zooming bolt had shot through the head of the minion standing next to Primey. But he didn't die immediately. His health was still too high. The minion simply screamed with pain as his body was forced by magic to move and fight.

Fighting with blood spilling out of his skull, splinters of bone and sinew covering his face-

The minion fought, only to have lances slice through his body. In seconds, he was laden with holes. The minion fell to the ground, his screams fading away, his weapon dropping with a clatter onto the ground.

And Primey, his face stained with specks of the minion's blood, could only watch in horror.

What...what is this? Blood? There shouldn't be any blood, haha...this is...there's not supposed to be any...this isn't supposed to be like this-


Primey cried out as a dark shadow moved over him. He scrambled backwards, falling onto the ground, covering his face with his hands.


PC groaned as he tore the bolt that had pierced into his extended hand. He grabbed Primey and hugged him to his chest, flashes of hot energy blasting at his back. Like a tank, PC roared and charged past the other minions, flinging Primey into the rear zone.


PC turned just in time to see a melee minion slash at him with his lance. PC parried the blow with his hand and swiftly slammed the butt of his wand into the minion's chin. The minion staggered back and fell, finished off by an icy arrow.

"All minions, build a wall! Don't let them get to the champions!"

PC shouted orders, throwing random enemies aside with a thrust of his shoulders. His enormous size made the enemy minions balk, but the magic spells forced them to run straight at him.

Primey grunted as a minion slammed into his side. He stumbled sideways, only to be hit again by a rushing caster. He tripped and fell back onto the ground, his breathing heavy, his ears picking up the shrieking sound of battle too slowly to make anything out. He cradled his head and tried to focus his swaying vision.

Get up...Get up! Don't stop! You're going to get killed! They're going to ****ing kill you, so get the **** up!

But he couldn't get up. His hands would not listen. He couldn't feel any strength in his legs. His mind kept screaming, screaming at him to move, to do something before he was trampled to death.

But still, he could not move.

Still, he was frozen with something so heavy that he couldn't even lift his head.

No...this...this isn't it. This isn't supposed to be...stop...all of you stop...what are you guys doing? We can't win...we can't...I can't...

Stop it.

Stop it.

Just stop...just...run away...


The tip of a lance appeared in Primey's face. He cried out as the weapon missed him by mere centimeters. He rolled to the side, but lost his balance and fell back down. The lance stabbed at the spot he had been in just seconds ago. He staggered to his feet and leaped again, barely dodging the lance once more. Every time he turned, the lance was almost upon him. And every time he moved, he avoided the lance. But he could feel the weapon getting closer. He could feel the tip of that lance hovering over his skin, like a burning coal. Any minute now, it would light him on fire. It would consume him, destroy him. It only took one wrong move. And he was moving, wrong, wrong, wrong, every single move was only a step closer to death, WRONG-

A horrible rasp tore from the melee minion's mouth as Ashe's arrow struck right into his chest. He looked down at Primey, his eyes glassy and unfocused, tilting towards him-


But it was too late. The enemy minion's corpse fell on top of Primey, trapping him in place.

And around him, the stomping of boots, the cries of death, the whistle of red mist filling the air-

Primey couldn't push the minion off him. His hands slipped and shook so hard that he had dropped his own lance long ago.

What the **** is this...This is like hell. What the ****. What the ****!

Get off me! GET THE **** OFF ME!

But the minion didn't respond. It seemed to hug him tighter, pressing him more deeply into the trembling earth.

Ahh...ahhh...no...no..no no no no-!






But no one came. No one heard Primey's pleas. No one could see him. No one cared.

Ashe and Sona hadn't noticed Primey's absence. Alistar had ambushed them from inside the bushes and only Sona's quick thinking had kept Ashe an inch from death. PC and the minions were hard at support, but the enemy fought just as hard. With silver bolts falling in showers from her newly healed wounds, Ashe fired a volley at the swarm of enemies and managed a few last hits. She stepped back to receive Sona's last heal when a faint sound reached her ears.

"...me. ...ve...se...ve...me..."

The sound came from around her feet. Ashe knelt down and a silver bolt whooshed through the air. Ashe quickly dug through the piled corpses until she found Primey, curled into a ball.


"Primey! Get up!"

"No...no NO! NO!"

Primey sobbed and threw himself at Ashe's feet. Ashe tried to pull him away, but the minion's grip was tight. She couldn't move. When a silver bolt flew through the air towards her eye, she couldn't react.

The renting scream from the Frost Archer echoed across the minion lines. PC turned back for a second, but then looked away with gritted teeth.

"Stay in formation! Do not give an INCH!"

And the battle continued.


Master Yi, like many others, was thinking about Sona's breasts. He did not know why she was so shy, despite dressing in such a way that her soft cleavage peeked out over the edge of her top like the sun rising over the horizon. It gave him warmth and happiness, so he could find no reason why Sona was so sensitive about it. Especially when he touched them. It was only natural. In a world as cold as Runeterra, a place filled with chaos and conflicted emotions, it was instinct to reach out for something as comforting as her breasts.

"As for Ashe, believe me Sona Buvelle when I say that hers would undoubtedly be as cold as her namesake when compared to your wondrously tender flesh."

"Go to hell Yi."

"Ah, hell. A fire that can rival my passion, but not the gentleness of my touch. I am called a Master for a reason."

"I don't care!"

"But you do not resist. You are still here, no?"

"Only to leash for you, you sick scumbag pervert."

"I believe otherwise," said Yi, leaning his face closer to Sona's. The mute maven blushed unconsciously at his proximity and averted her eyes. Yi's lips hovered over Sona's ear as he whispered. "Do you disagree?"

"O-Of course! G-get...get away from me..."

The voice in Yi's head grew fainter as he gently placed the palm of his hand on the sloping curve of her back. Their bodies naturally gravitated to each other, the fabrics from their clothes rustling as they brushed. Yi's breath was hot on the side of her face.

"If you want me away, then you will have to force me. For you pull me in more strongly than Galio's ultimate-"

"What are you saying..." said Sona, unable to resist a smile.

"Ah, beautiful! Absolutely marvelous. You have a winning talent there, I assure you," said Yi, breaking into a big grin. Don't be too forceful and keep them on their toes. They'll fall on their own sooner or later...

"Yi..." said Sona, her voice still sounding uncomfortable, but her body seeming to have forgotten their contact. "We can't..."

"Why ever not...?"

"Everyone's watching..."

Yi's nose flared. He could sense his opportunity rushing closer. Just a little more...

"They may be aware of us, but they cannot see anything..."

"We're in the middle of a battle..."

"Yet, my heart is at war. I cannot sway its direction from such a crucial endeavor..."

"Oh, you..." said Sona quietly, followed by a soft giggle. She wrapped her hands around Yi's neck and drew him in. "Do you really think that?"

"Why yes...of course."

"I don't trust you..."

"Neither do I...who knows what this heat in my chest is capable of...?"

"You're a bad boy..."

"Oh...yes...I am a bad boy-"

"Yi. YI! Are you listening to me?"

Master Yi kept his eyes closed, trying to savor as much of the scene as he could. But, as with all good things, it too slipped away from his grasp. He sighed and, while opening his eyes, turned his head to look into the angry glare of the beautiful maiden.

"Ah, if only I had been awake, perhaps it would have gone even more smoothly..."

"What are you talking about?"

"The future, dear Sona. The future."

"Whatever. Listen, Yi-"

"I'm listening, but my hands don't seem to care-"

"D-Damn it, Yi! Stop touching me there!"


And a few moments later, the beautiful maven had left for top lane. Irelia had teleported to bottom lane and was waiting for the minions to arrive.

It was then that an idea bloomed inside Yi's mind.


"Level 1 gank?"

"Yes. You see, once they notice that you're alone in the lane, they'll immediately become aggressive and try to take First Blood. Strike Rammus first and active his Defensive Curl. Then run towards me."

The plan had worked without a hitch. Rammus and Katarina had been baited by Irelia and then ambushed by the waiting Master Yi. Having used his Defensive Curl early, by the time Master Yi attacked, its effects had ended and the armadillo became an easy target. With Irelia's Flash, the two managed to finish the armadillo and deal heavy damage to Katarina. Irelia had taken the brunt of the damage, leaving her nearly dead after the battle. Yi exited the lane and decided to wait again in the bush. As expected, Katarina attempted to come in and kill Irelia with a quick Shunpo and Ignite.

Unfortunately, Yi could not kill Katarina. Had he or Irelia had Ignite, a second kill would have been possible. But the use of Shunpo made it almost impossible normally.

Still, it had been a good run. Now Irelia would have a lead in farm and level due to her soloing the lane. The late start on Blue golem had made its worth.

"Well now. Kassadin, if you would be so kind to come leash for me, we can probably finish this game before the 20-minute mark."

A loud snort issued from the team speak.

"Why should I leash for you? Will you give me your Blue?"

"No, I'm sorry. I'll need the first one for proper jungling. If you want, the second one is free for us-"

"If that's so, then hold your tongue, Wuju Bladesman. You are quite presumptuous to assume that I would leave my farm solely to give you assistance."

"What are you saying, Kassadin? You're already pushed, the lane can do without you for a few seconds-"

"Heh. True. As usual, I have dominated the battlefield. I suppose in that sense, your logic is undeniable."


"Very well, Bladesman. I shall make time for you. Be grateful for it."

"Fantastic! I'll be heading off then."

"Jeez! Would you stop getting in my way! I'm just trying to kill minions!" fumed Annie as Kassadin struck her again with his Nether blade. "Gosh, just you wait until Tibbers get here-MMPFH!"

A pulsing Null Sphere struck Annie in the face, jamming her mouth shut. She patted her disabled mouth with her hands, then began waving them furiously at Kassadin, cursing him with muffled shouts and yells.

"Silence, demonchild," said Kassadin with a slight smirk.

"Looks like you're having fun," remarked Yi as the two began making their way to the Blue golem.

"The battlefield is meant to entertain me."

"I see. But don't you think you were being a bit rough on the child? I never knew that you had such interests..."

"That is more your territory than it is mine."

"False! To insinuate such a thing...Master Yi does not touch anything below legal age!"

"What of your sword-"

"The sword is of legal age!"

"Indeed. The lecherous always have an excuse for their actions."

"As opposed to lecherous, I would rather be called appreciative."

"Do you believe the Dark Child has potential?"

"Oh yes, undoubtedly! She will grow into a fine young specimen, that I can guarante-"

Kassadin released an uncharacteristic laugh as Yi finally processed what his mouth was saying.

"That aside, Kassadin. What do you think about one of the greatest mysteries in life?"

"Nothing is a mystery to me."

"I dare to disagree. Sona Buvelle's bust size is surely not something that you would kno-"

Master Yi grew silent as a single phrase floated into his ears.

"...How? How do you-"

"There is nothing that I cannot discern."

"...Kassadin. I think we shall have a beautiful relationship."

"I am not gay."

"Neither am I. But that's not what I was referring to. Rather, it's your uncanny ability for identifying bust sizes that will come quite handy in the futu-"

Blue camp. An enormous scorch mark, characteristic of an explosion. The ground was dusted with white particles, looking as if it had just recently snowed. The bushes were singed and smoking and the mangled ruins of Gangplank's pistol lay melting in the debris.

But most important of all-

The Blue Golem was gone.

"What is this meaning of this, Bladesman?" snarled Kassadin. "There is nothing here for me to leash!"

"What...this can't be..."

This was impossible. Blue could not have been taken. The enemy team did not have a jungler. Every member of the enemy had been present in their lanes. There was no time period of absence through which they could have snuck in and stolen his buff.

But the golem wasn't here. The time was far past.

"Bladesman. I will crush you for wasting my tim-"

Kassadin stopped speaking as he was suddenly engulfed in a terrible rumbling sensation. His eyes riveted on the figure before him, who shook with such anger and fury that it was as if the air around him was black. His lips were curled and his teeth seemed to be on the verge of snapping one another into pieces.

"Well, well," said Master Yi, his voice low and deadly. His foot crushed the ground with such force that deep, splintering cracks appeared on the surface. "It seems there are trespassers in my jungle."

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Those Minions - 13


"I don't see why we have to fight..."

"Look, it's not like I don't feel your pain. I really do. I mean, I think as minions, we deserve rights and equality."

"That doesn't sound convincing when you're holding Madred's Razors at my neck..."

"If you just looked at things objectively, then it'd all make sense," said Melee, holding the Wraith monster hostage. Caster's wand glowed threateningly over the Lesser Wraiths' hooded faces. An icy-blue mallet lay in between the minions and the monsters.

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe you dropped your Frozen Mallet."

"Look, I told you that thing was ****ing heavy! It's not my fault you wouldn't let me take any breaks. Do you know how sore my hands are right now?"

"Sore? What do you think this is, ****ing kindergarten? Get the **** over it! You drop the one item that's saving your ass from these jungle monsters and expect me not to ***** about it!?"

"Well...no. I just...don't want you to ***** as much-"

"Shut the **** up, Melee."

"I think that language is uncalled for..."

"Yeah Caster, listen to the Wraith."

"Are you ****ing ****ting me right now?"

"I think your friend needs some anger management classes."

"Nah, he's always like that. It's part of his character."


The Lesser Wraith hastily retreated as Caster's wand shone violently.

"Alright, *****ing aside, what do we do now, Caster?"

"You're asking me!? You're the one that got us into this mess!"

"Yeah, and you're the one that gets us out! You're my perfect foil."

"****ing wraiths! Look, we just want to kill Katarina, ok? So can you just die and respawn in 50 seconds? Is that too much to ask?"

"Mmmrphh mmrrh."


"Mmmrrph mmmrrrpphh." Please don't kill us!

"I think they said '**** off, *******.'"

"No...actually they said they'll let you kill me if you let them go," said the Wraith in a monotonous voice.

"Oh...sorry man."

"It's ok. This always happens."

"What the ****! You guys are a ****ing disgrace! I'll ****ing kill you!"


"Sounds like they said '**** you.'"

"Actually, they said LOLZ TROLOLOLOLOL."

"YOU ****S!"

"Wow, you guys are ****ing heartless. You deserve to die, you ****ers."


"Alright, we'll let you go Wraith man. But sorry, I'm going to have to kill these sons of *****es."

"Christ, no respect for your seniors, can't even talk straight...I've had enough of you guys."


With a loud BANG, the three Lesser Wraiths were vaporized by a flash of white-hot light. Caster twirled the wand in his hand like a cowboy and blew the tip.

"Who knew monsters like that existed? I mean...I know they're monsters but still..."

"Looks like your ideal world for minions is still just an ideal," said Caster, turning back to Melee and the Wraith.

"Yeah...Sigh. Internal problems too. Those are going to be sticky. Well, anyways. Sorry about your friends, Wraith man. Or...well, I really don't think they were good friends..."

"No...it's fine..." said the Wraith emotionlessly.

"Well, yeah...I guess we'll let you go then. I mean...I feel too bad for you right now. Killing you after getting betrayed like that has to be a crime or something."

"Killing's a crime anyways, you dumbass..."

"Anyways, thanks for sticking it out, Wraith man. We're going to go now."

"...I see."

"When your friends respawn, tell me them we said '**** you.'"

"Keep it cool, bud," said Caster.


The Wraith looked around aimlessly as Caster and Melee headed for the Lizard Elder camp. Once the two minions were out of sight, however, the Wraith's mood completely changed.

"Hehehe...those idiots! It's always like this. Even stoooopiiiddd champions fall for it! HA! LEAVE THE GUY WHO GIVES YOU THE MOST GOLD AND EXPERIENCE BEHIND FOR A SOB STORY! CLASSIC ****ING IDIOTS! HAHAHA!"

"I thought so."

The Wraith jumped as Caster appeared, his wand aimed right at the Wraith's head.


"What's going on, Caster? Why are we back here?" said Melee, panting a few steps behind Caster.

"You know, I thought it was pretty suspicious. None of it made any sense. But now, I understand everything. It's been made all too clear to me."

"I...I don't know what you're talking about!" said the Wraith, shaking like a leaf.

"Don't try and deny it. It's damn obvious what this is all about! I know the truth!"

"Y-You don't know anything!"

"Yeah, what are you talking about, Caster?"

"Listen up, Melee! This son of a ***** is trying to hide something from us! And you know what that is?"


"THIS GUY! IS LEGITIMATELY STUPID!" said Caster, poking the Wraith's head with his wand.


"What? What'd you say, Caster?"

"I swear, Melee. This guy has like 5 IQ points. He must've been raised by a bunch of turkeys. I'm surprised he didn't drown during rainy days."


"What!? No way! Really?"

"I'm dead serious. I mean, only a complete idiot would be friends with three guys that are total *******s. It's not just one, it's three. He's outnumbered. And they're supposed to protect him too! I mean, sure maybe you don't notice the first time, but I'm pretty sure these guys have been together since the beginning of time. So, what I'm saying is, this guy must be one hell of a brainless ****tard."


"Man, you're right. That is pretty stupid."

"Not just stupid. The most retarded monster in the entire map. There is nothing in this jungle that could possibly be as stupid, as empty-headed, as much of a blonde bimbo ****, than this guy-"




"Alright, Melee. Now that we've got the truth out of him, I think you know what to do."

"I'm feeling lucky today," said Melee, his Madred's Razors gleaming.


The Wraith's cry was cut through by a flurry of slashes and wind. In one instant, Melee passed through the Wraith's body and appeared on the other side, his Madred's Razors extended in the air.

"Hue, *****."

The Wraith careened into the air, screaming with fury as health and mana burst out from his body.

"****ing ******bag," said Caster, kicking the Wraith's dead body. "I hope you get your ass beaten while you're in respawn hell."

"How'd you know that he was lying, Caster?"

"Huh? What, you didn't notice?"

"...No. I didn't. I thought he was telling the truth," said Melee with a slightly crestfallen tone.

"Heh, it's pretty simple, Melee. The truth is, when Wraiths lie, their cloak turns slightly lighter in shade and color."

"What, really!?"

"No, dumbass. Of course not. You think Riot has the funds to integrate that kind of useless function?"


"Nevermind," said Caster, giving the Wraith one last kick. "You got Frozen Mallet? Ok. Let's going then. If we stay here too long, Master Yi might show up to take the jungle here."

"Wait, Caster. Seriously, how'd you know?"

"Are you still on about that?"

Caster sighed and rubbed the back of his neck for a moment.

"It wasn't anything special. I just thought, he sounded pretty monotone after seeing his friends get killed."

"He always sounded monotone."

"That's not the point. No matter who he is, I think anyone who has the capacity for friendship would feel devastated at seeing his friend killed in front of him, even if they did betray him."

Melee stopped in place at Caster's words.

"...What's wrong with you? If you don't respond, it's going to sound like I said something weird," said Caster, turning back.

"...No. It's...I just didn't think you were that kind of person, Caster."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," said Melee with a slight smile. "Nothing at all."


"I have to part with you here, Mill."

"I understand, Cast. Good luck with your venture."

"If I succeed, then our operation begins," said Cast. He turned away with a whip of his cloak and slipped into the brush. Immediately after, Mill went in the opposite direction.

Cast was heading to the Red and Blue camps on the Blue team's side of the map. With Master Yi jungling in the Purple camp, the camps should have been left undisturbed at this time. However, with each passing minute, there was a higher chance of Master Yi deciding to go through the enemy's jungle. Using a pair of Boots of Mobility that had been stolen from the inventory, Cast would hopefully be able to make it through the jungle before encountering Yi or any of the other champions.

But in order for his plan to go off smoothly, Mill had to go through with his end of the plan.

"Is everything ready?"

"Yes, sir. We're all prepared."

"Good. We'll begin soon."

Mill took a calming breath to focus his thoughts. Katarina had escaped from the battle while Rammus had died. His sources told him that Rammus had decided to wait to grab a ward before heading back down to the lane. That meant that he was behind Katarina right now, who had gone ahead to keep pace in lane.

The timing was too perfect. A chance like this wouldn't come again.

"Is everyone ready?" said Mill, reviewing one last time. A minion in-between the towers on bottom lane. The key point was in place.

"Yes, sir. We are ready."

"Very well..."


"Ok," said Rammus as his Powerball crashed into the minion in the middle of the lane, knocking him off course and into the wall. "Ok...Ok? Ok!? OK!?"

Two enormous stone hands smothered Rammus' face and brought him to the ground.


At top lane, the flow of minions had frozen at the first turret. A circular ring was surrounding the corpse lying at the base of the tower and a flood of sobbing and tears was all that could be heard.

Sona was dead.

"Damn it...DAMN IT!" cried a caster minion, his fist pushing into his eyes so hard that blood was starting to leak into his tears.

"Vayne...I'll kill her. I'll kill that ****ing Vayne-"

"No...Vayne's not the problem. Is she, you SON OF A *****!?"

The caster minion that had spoken lunged viciously at Primey. The cowering melee minion was up against the tower, desperately trying to shield himself with his hands.

"I'd ****ing rip your head off your neck...I'D ****ING SHRED YOU TO PIECES IF I WASN'T BEING HELD BACK, MOTHER****ER!" screamed the caster minion, his veins popping up on his skin from the sheer effort he was pouring against the spells forcing him towards the lane.

"Yeah...you ****ing son of a *****! It's all your fault!"

"You got her killed! SHE WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU!"


"Calm down and go back to lane! The next wave is coming!" shouted PC, standing in front of Primey.

"PC? SHUT THE **** UP! Who do you think you are, trying to order us around? You trying to protect this son of a *****? THIS ****ER THAT GOT SONA KILLED?"

"Go back to lane," said PC coldly, his eyes so sharp that it would've cut steel.

"How about you lug your fatass over so I can kill you with that *****?" snarled the caster minion, his lips curling.

"Go back-"

"Why don't you SHUT THE **** U-"


Ice spikes exploded from the snow-blue arrow stuck into the ground. A fog of frost drifted away from the arrow's fletch, coming in between PC and the murderous minions. Ashe stepped into the fog, glaring at both sides.

"Sona is coming back as we speak. Keep your heads cool so that her absence doesn't become a problem! This is no time for conflict-"

Ashe stopped as she realized the minions had already went back into lane. The interruption caused by her frost arrow had distracted them long enough for the spell to force them back onto track. Slightly flustered, but satisfied nevertheless, Ashe turned back to PC and Primey.


"Shut up," said Primey, staring up at her with his head down. "I don't want to hear it."

"Hear what?"

"Your pretentious bull****. I know you're going to say it. Don't mind them. Just get your head into the game. Well you know what? THIS ISN'T A ****ING GAME! I ALMOST DIED OUT THERE! I'M ****ING USELESS! THEY'RE ****ING RIGHT, I GOT SONA KILLED! ME! NO ONE ELSE! If you put me back in there...I'll die! Or someone else will die!"

"Shut your damn mouth, Primey," said PC, looming over him.

"YOU SHUT THE **** UP! Those guys were right. Why are you protecting me? Why don't you just let them kill me, huh!? Then I'll be out of the way. Then I won't be a shivering useless **** THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING!"

Tears were streaming down Primey's eyes. His fingernails were cracked from how tightly he was gripping the turret's base. His cloak was ruined by blood stains and tattered with rips and tears.

His eyes were screaming at PC.

"...A useless ****?" said PC. Primey froze at his menacing voice. The dark stare in front of him was pinning him against the turret. "If you died in battle, that'd be fine. If the champion died in battle, but you were in front of her, that'd be fine. If you both died together, that'd be fine. If she died, but you survived, that'd be fine. It doesn't matter who dies, it doesn't matter how you die. IT MATTERS THAT YOUR DEATH WASN'T MEANINGLESS!"

PC's fist smashed into the turret.

"When you sit there, doing nothing...when you don't lift a finger even after someone sacrificed their life to save you, then yes. That's when you're useless. You don't want to be useless, Primey, but this is as useless as you can get!"

"PC. That's more than enough," said Ashe, putting her hand on his shoulder. "The minions need you."

"...You're wrong, Ashe."


"The minions don't need me. Minions don't need anyone," said PC, holding his hand out to Primey. "But all of you need minions. Every last one you can get. Even the most useless."

"...You're a ****ing *******. And your speech has too much corn!"

"Ah don't care. Even the cob's just as good as the kernels."

"Shut up...I'm not even worth the cob."

"That's not for you to decide," said PC, gripping Primey's hand. "Now get up. It doesn't take long for corn to lose its touch after being picked."

"DAMN IT, STOP WITH THE CORN JOKES!" shouted Primey, grabbing PC's hand.

"I'm sorry, but we're depending on you," said Ashe.

"Don't. I'll depend on you guys instead," said Primey, getting up onto PC's shoulder. "...So I hope all that **** you were going to say was right."

"I don't know."

"Whatever," said Primey, flicking his lance out. "I won't remember this when I come back anyways."

"Heh, I suppose-"


What did he just-

Ashe's eyes widened. Her mouth opened, but PC and Primey had already charged into the battlefield. The Frost Archer simply stood there, her hand outstretched, her mind racing with questions. But one question stood out far above the rest.

How were they resisting the spell...?


"Anyways, you still remember the plan?"

"Yeah. For the Lizard Elder, right?"

"He's 90 health higher now that we've reached the 2 minute point. He also attacks slightly faster than the Blue Golem and we don't have some crack to blow up this time around. It's going to be a risky fight, even with our items."

"Don't worry. We've got this."

That was the conversation they had just moments ago. And now, the Elder Lizard was nearly dead.

"Good job, Melee!" said Caster, firing more bolts of light.

"SHUT UP! WHY THE **** DO I HAVE TO TANK THIS GUY!" yelled Melee as blasts of fire smoked his ass.


"Alright, almost there. Just one more hit and-"

Caster focused all his power into the wand, then fired. Melee tripped over a rock and accidentally kicked the Lizard Elder backwards.


"Wha...what? What are you, OW! **** MAN, YOU TANK HIM! THIS ****ING HURTS EVEN WITH FROZEN MALLET!"



"Goddamn it, just stand there and let me hit him-"

"No, let me hit him! He's almost dead anyways!"





"How about I kill him?"

Caster and Melee were thrown into air as a green blur sped past them and hit the Lizard Elder. With a cry, the Lizard Elder keeled over, its Red buff disappearing. Melee fell onto the ground hard, coughing up blood in reaction.

"****...what the ****-"

"Melee! MOVE!"

Melee rolled over instinctively at Caster's warning. A large, glowing blade stabbed into place where his head had just been. Melee continued rolling until he got into a crouching position and guarded with his lance.

"...Oh ****."

"****...he's not supposed to be on this side!"

Master Yi pulled his blade out from the ground and spun it. The Red buff surrounded him in a fiery aura.

"Well, well. I didn't expect minions to be the ones stealing my jungle."

His eyes burned as he continued spinning the blade in a circle beside him..

"Nevertheless, you two are far past your boundaries."

Yi swung his blade point-down into the ground. Blood spurted from Caster's chest.


Melee stopped as a cut suddenly appeared on his chest. No...****ing-

"This is my territory."

Blood continued to rain in the Lizard Elder camp.