Also being posted on FF for lack of asterisks.
EDIT: Final chapters are found on FF. There is an author's note explaining why the story was cut short and the format changed.
Those Minions - 1
"Yo Caster, what's going on?"
"Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you!? I can't believe you pulled that **** today!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm ****ing ten miles away from your ass and you think it's funny to run straight at the enemy forces and try to die. Aren't you the ****ing daredevil!"
"Hey, the champion saved me, so what's the harm?"
"The harm!? How about losing your entire wave, you dumbass! You just led all the other Melees right into the battle without even waiting for ****ing Siege!"
"Look...Caster. Let's talk about this outside. I mean, you're causing a commotion."
Caster looked at the rookie minions staring at him with apprehension. Sighing, Caster followed Melee as they went outside of the Nexus perimeter.
Melee stabbed his lance into the ground and held his shield up to the sky.
"Sure is bright today."
"Oh my god. I can't believe you just said that," said Caster, slapping himself in the face.
"I'm going to explain everything to you, Caster. I hope you'll understand why I did what I did today after my explanation."
"...Alright. I guess I can at least hear you out."
"Thanks Caster. If it was Siege, he'd probably just shoot my ass with a cannonball. You're the only reasonable one around here."
"Well...that's true." Caster couldn't help but stand a little straighter at the comment.
"So, it was five thousand years ago...when I made my first debut in Summoner's Rift."
"BULL****, YOU ****ER!"
"Ok, fine. Five hundred years ago. The time doesn't really matter. It's just for dramatic effect."
"You're just a minion and you're trying to stick yourself that far back into the timeline? Are you kidding me?"
"Ok! Five years ago! Are you happy? Do you like ruining my moment? You selfish *****."
"During that time, I was just a lone fighter, wandering the land. I didn't have any special status or any real reason for fighting. It was in my blood, so I fought and killed people. I was a born troublemaker, and everywhere I went, there was rage."
"So, you're telling me you were a troll."
"Look, could you just shut up? I'm trying to give you a masterpiece here."
Melee took a few steps forward and hung his head. He seemed to be suffering from great turmoil.
"Is it really that depressing? Because, if it's not, just cut the melodrama and hurry the **** up."
"I had a wife."
"Are you ****ting me?"
"No. I really had a wife. I didn't know her name. We eloped together and were only married for three days."
"You guys eloped, but you didn't know her name."
"Yeah. I met her on the battlefield during a Summoners' War. I had been hoping to loot some weapons to sell from fallen minions, but then, I saw her lying on the ground, half-dead."
"You eloped with a champion!?"
"No. She had minion garb. She was amazingly beautiful. I couldn't resist taking her in my arms and motorboat--I mean, transporting her to safety."
"Look, if you indulged yourself, it's fine. We're all men here."
"I didn't indulge myself--"
"Don't try and deny it. I mean, you said she was hot, right?"
"...Ok, fine. I did indulge myself. But it was just a moment of weakness. I took advantage of a woman. I can't forgive myself for that."
"Women are meant to be taken advantage of."
"How sexist can you be?"
"I'm not being sexist, **** it! I'm being condescending towards women. This isn't bias towards women or anything like that. In fact, I love women more than any other gender. I just think they're weaker, more fragile, and more prone to accepting a sob story."
"That's called being sexist."
"Look, move on. Bring in your personal vendetta against me some other time."
"I don't have a personal vendetta against you--"
"Whatever! You found a hot chick and you took her with you. What happened next?"
"Well, I was discovered by a wave of enemy minions. They wanted to take her from me, so I declared that we were married."
"What? What the hell does that do--"
"Look, they had no ****ing idea what family background I had. They just thought I looked a lot like Lee Sin."
"So you impersonated yourself as Lee Sin."
"Of course not. Lee Sin's a ****ing giant. I just implied that I was his son."
"Are you ****ing kidding--"
"Anyways, since we were married, they let us go and I took her out of Summoner's Rift. When she woke up, I told her that we needed to get married for her to escape to a safer location."
"Why did you need to get married at that point?"
"She was ****ing hot, **** it! I wasn't going to let her go like that!"
"Jesus Christ, this Melee minion...You made the right choice."
"So, we got married by some traveling priest and I tried taking her back to her Nexus in Summoner's Rift."
"Katarina thought she was jungle and Shunpoed her ass from a bush."
"Holy ****. That's terrible. How'd you get away?"
"Well, I looked like Lee Sin, so..."
"Are you ****ing--"
"Lee Sin's a giant!"
"Yeah, but Katarina was a little dizzy from doing her ult. You know how it is."
"Holy ****. What happened after that?"
"Well, she obviously thought she killed Lee Sin's wife. Now, Katarina's strong, but Lee Sin in the jungle is ****ing overpowered."
"Well, you know, they're nerfing him."
"Who said they're ****ing nerfing him?"
"Who do you think? That voice in the sky..."
"The Summoner lady?"
"No. That one guy. Phreak. Or Morello."
"Oh, them. Really? They're nerfing Lee Sin?"
"Yeah. Next time we go out to battle, he'll probably be nerfed."
"****! I can't pretend to be Lee Sin anymore!"
"Well, it's not like he's UP now."
"That's not the ****ing point! Lee Sin needs to stay as overpowered as possible because I'm relying solely on his reputation!"
"Look, let's get back onto topic. So Katarina thought you were Lee Sin and she just killed your wife."
"Yeah. So she Shunpoed her ass to the Blue Golem and ran the **** away."
"Really? What a ****ing *****! Didn't even apologize?"
"Yeah. I mean, she could've at least offered to be a replacement."
"Why would a champion marry--"
"I was Lee Sin."
"Ok, fine. But I'm pretty sure those two are on opposite factions."
"Look, Lee Sin is overpowered, has a toned body, and knows martial arts. What more could you need, especially when you're a bloodthirsty ***** that should ****ing take a chill pill and learn to ****ing read the mood before jumping in and killing someone's wife?"
"You really hate her, huh?"
"I'd still tap her."
"Really? Even though she killed your wife?"
"Ok, scratch that. My wife was way hotter."
"I thought I was sexist, but you just take it to another level."
"So you admit you're sexist. Finally out of the closet?"
"I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore because I know shameless *******s like you are around to make me feel better."
"On second thought, she's dead, so yeah, I'd still tap Katarina."
"I don't even know what to say to that."
"So, anyways, after that, I booked it out of Summoner's Rift with my dead wife and tried to get her identified before I buried her."
"You wanted to console the family?"
"Console a potential sister, yeah."
"You're losing any respect I had for you. Every second now."
"I found out what faction she was in, so I decided to join up as a minion."
"So, that's how you got here, huh?"
"Why'd you join, though? Did you want to avenge your wife's death?"
"Nah, nothing like that."
"Oh. So, you just wanted to find a purpose in all your random fighting and killing."
"What the ****. Why'd you join then?"
"Well, see, while I was researching information about my wife, turns out she was already married."
Caster bent down to his knees and buried his face in his palms for a couple minutes.
"Just...just stop. Stop for a minute. I'm trying...I'm really trying..."
"Ok. I'll let you sort things out."
Eventually, Caster took a deep breath and stood back up, his face composed and his spirit calm.
"Ok. So? Your wife was married before you eloped. How's that involved with your decision to become a minion?"
"Well, you know, I'm a nice guy, right?"
"...Yeah, I guess."
"I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I mean, **** it, after that ***** Katarina killed her, I cried for an entire week."
"You loved her that much?"
"Yeah. I mean, she was a minion that was hotter than a champion. That's pretty rare, man."
"You don't feel a thing desecrating your wife's death like that?"
"I'm not desecrating her. I'm showing respect and admiration. Being hot isn't a ****ing crime. It's something to be praised. It shows the time and effort a woman goes into preserving or enhancing her natural beauty. If you try and skirt around that issue, you're being a ******bag."
"Ok. I was out of line."
"Yeah. So stfu."
"I'm seriously going to kill you."
"Anyways, I'm a nice guy. I thought her husband might like to know who killed his wife."
"So you just wanted some other moron to try and kill Katarina."
"Do you really think that low of me? Am I just some two-bit scumbag you find off the street or something?"
"Look, we've only been talking for like fifteen minues and you've already made me wish I never met you."
"I thought we were friends, man. Or, at the very least, comrades that can trust in each other."
"We are. Comrades, I mean. Trust doesn't have anything to do with my opinion of you. I'm perfectly willing to trust a guy who can impersonate Lee Sin so skillfully."
"You really mean that?"
"You're a real bro, man."
"You're praising me too much."
"No, really. You're a bro. You even got angry at me for making a stupid move today. I mean, not everyone would bother to do that. You really care."
"Stop. Just stop it. You're going to fill my head with hot air."
"I respect you. I hope you know that. Out of all the minions here, you're the one I can trust the most to have my back."
"Jeez, Melee. You're really giving me too much credit."
"Don't try and be modest, Caster."
"I'm not! I'm just a simple minion! Don't make me out to be a champion or anything."
"Well, you're not."
"But you know what, Caster? I think minions are underappreciated."
"What? Where's this coming from?"
"Think about it. How many waves do the ****ing champions get killed because they're too busy waiting for last hits? I mean, do you know how many lives are sacrificed in vain because a ****ing champion doesn't want to push the lane?"
"Well, yeah, but that's what we're for."
"And they'd rather save their own ass with Flash instead of having Promote around to give a boost to a dying comrade. What kind of joke is that?"
"Look, we're just fodder. Our base stats suck and our health is even lower than Ashe's."
"Dude, don't compare us to Ashe, man."
"Look, I know she's completely useless with the introduction of Sejuani, since she's not even worth using as a utility character anymore, but she's still a champion--"
"You don't call that **** a champion. I mean, she got her place jacked by a tank. And she's an AD ranged carry!"
"Champion meta aside..."
"Right. So, like I was saying, minions today are underappreciated. We need some sort of labor force to guarantee our rights."
"Rights? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Like the right for us not to get hit by the turret. I mean, we're freaking doing all the fighting and the champions are just being ***** snipers from the back. I think the turret should focus only on the champion, because **** it, we need to establish that we're soldiers, not freaking meatshields!"
"What do you think this is, World in Conflict? This is how it's always been and this is how it's always going to be."
"I know you care when one of our comrades die! Or else you wouldn't have told me off about it earlier!"
"I care. Who wouldn't? I'm not a cold-hearted ***** like those Irelias that start a teamfight and then Ghost the **** away."
"Or those Twitch that have full health but just stick around cloaked so they can get the kill once the enemy goes B."
"Yeah. But, we're just minions. We're not even superminions. We can't do squat except tank the turret and kill other minions."
"That's why we should also have the right to get a real buff. I mean, some champions go from 500 health to ****ing 4000 just because they grab Warmog's and level up to 18. Seriously, if champions could level us up 18 times or buy us items, we'd be in way better condition."
"That'd ruin the point of the battle, ****tard. Champions have the spotlight, like in Dynasty Warriors. You don't see any of the soldiers there pwning the main fighters, do you?"
"Even the bots are getting a buff. When the hell are we getting buffed? I mean, really, come on! We make the battlefield a battlefield! If we weren't there, then it'd just be a bunch of pussies fighting each other and *****ing about how every single ult is OP."
"We give our lives up to let the champions win. We're meant to be in the backstage. Can't you just let it go?"
"No way! I refuse to just die on this battlefield like a ragdoll. I mean, I couldn't even do a thing to save my wife. She got killed in a single shot because Katarina was too drunk up her ult to realize it was the wife of a Lee Sin look-alike. How do I protect the people important to me? How the hell am I supposed to fight for my causes or stick up for my rights if even Ashe can kill me? I can't even consider revenge because there's no way in hell a minion is going to kill a champion. Even if they're getting owned, they can just run behind their own minion line or the turret like little girls hiding behind daddy."
"Alright, you've made your point. And you know what? I ****ing agree with you. Your wife got killed by a champion, but she's immune to any sort of repercussions because she can just beat the **** out of us by autoattacking. We need to stir **** up and get your voice heard."
"Seriously. You know what I think? I think we should just boycott from leaving the Nexus perimeter. We should just hang there, play cards, and let the spawning system mass up. Once we max out the map like Evols on Starcraft, then we go **** a champion up and show them who's boss!"
"That actually doesn't sound like a retarded idea. Alright, I'm up for it."
"We'll get Katarina first too!"
"Avenging your wife right off the bat? You've got guts, Melee."
"Nah, man. It's the least I can do. She was your wife first, after all."
Caster froze up and blinked several times.
"Your wife. You know, the one that disappeared in the battle a couple months ago? Yeah, that was my wife."
"We're like bros-in-law, man."
Caster walked over to Melee's lance and pulled it from the ground.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to go ****ing kill Katarina."
"Hey, use your magic wand thingy, ok? I'm going to go kill her too."
"We're going now."
"What? Wait, are you freaking serious?"
"That ***** is going to pay."
"Dude, she's a champion. Wait until the boycott--"
"I don't ****ing need a boycott to avenge my woman," said Caster as he walked off the Nexus perimeter and into the battlefield.
"Hey! Hey, get back here! You're making me look like a *****!"
Caster ignored him and continued marching down the middle lane.
"Dude...seriously! You're going to get killed!"
There was only silence as Caster's form vanished from sight.
Melee looked back at the Nexus perimeter, where the rookie minions were playing cards. Any second now, a new battle was going to start. Leaving right now was tantamount to suicide. No minion had ever braved a route alone. It was impossible. It was built in the rulebook.
"...Ah, jeez. **** it! Let's go."
Melee strapped his shield to his back and ran off after Caster.
"Hey, *****, wait for me!"
This was the beginning of the two minions' quest for revenge.
@Silent Warden :P read it and thankfully doesn't seem like im being redundant haha. it was a bit short though, but I guess you're focusing more on Assassins right now.
Those Minions - 2
Meanwhile, on the other side of Summoner's Rift, the purple minions were also playing cards.
"Explain to me why we're playing cards before a battle?"
"Why don't you tell me why champions have ***, get drunk off their ass, and smoke weed before a battle?"
"Well, ****, ah do," said the purple Caster who, for the sake of clarification, had the nickname PC.
"You're a real weirdo. Are you taking steroids or something? I mean, you're as big as Siege, but you're a Caster."
"It was Promote."
"There aren't even any summoners here yet!"
"What are you? Purple Melee?"
"Yeah. People call me Prime Minister for short."
"Ah've got one thing to say to you."
PC blew a noxious cloud of fumes from his mouth and tapped his cigar with his finger.
"Don't ask, don't tell."
"You didn't have to use a cool pose to introduce that cliched of a statement, you know!"
PC fitted the cigar back into his mouth and peered at Primey with a twisted smile.
"**** man, everything ah do is cool."
"I hate you! I can't refute that! **** you!"
"You a rookie, Primey?"
"Are you seriously going to call me that from now on? And yeah, I'm a rookie. I just joined the ranks yesterday."
"Why are you hanging around me, Primey?"
"Well, because you're sitting on top of me, you fat piece of shi--"
"Ah can understand your logic, Primey. Ah'm an esteemed veteran and you're a big fan. ****, you have good taste. Now, let me tell you, if you stick with me, your life here is going to be cruising easy. You hear me?"
"Yeah, but I can also hear my ribs cracking from your weight, you whale!"
"Good. Now, pass me my next card, ho."
Primey pushed hard against PC's huge butt and managed to lift himself an inch of free space. He locked his elbow into his side so that his body could keep the sack of lard up while he reached out with his free hand to grab a card.
"Alright, now. You seeing this, Primey?"
"Holy nipple-freezing mother ****ing ****. You have four card Aces!? WTF!?"
"That's the luck of the chosen one, Primey. Stay on my good side and ah'll make sure your **** gets rolling."
The purple Melee minion in front of PC threw a straight flush down and claimed the winnings.
"Well, ****. Looks like ah lost."
"You fatass! Get the **** off me!"
"When the great lose, they lose big. Remember that, Primey."
"Hollllyyy ****, I'm going to ****ing rip your intestines out through your swimming pool of a bellybutton while you're sleeping, GET THE **** OFF ME YOU ****BAG ***** BEFORE I RAM THIS LANCE DOWN YOUR GREASY THROAT UNTIL IT REACHES YOUR CRACK-FILLED LUNGS, YOU FATHER****ING SON OF A TRASHY PANDA-HUMPING ****!"
Suddenly, PC stood up, releasing Primey from his day-long imprisonment under someone's ass. PC slowly lowered the cigar from his mouth and stared off into the distance.
"Well, ****. The sky's bright today."
"****! OFF! YOU COOL-ASS-AWESOME *****!"
"You know the line-up for today, Primey?"
"The champion line-up. That's part of being a smart minion, kid. Ah seen too many minions running like morons into battle even though their lane is already pushed by Sivir and Singed. You need to know what champions there are so you can evaluate a strategy on which minions to kill first. You gonna leave the Siege alone when you got a weak-ass Vladimir on your team or you gonna focus on the Casters to let the Tryn get a good mowdown?"
"Wow. I never thought of it that way. That really makes sense. So you're not just a retarded lardbucket are you?"
"Ah hope you're coming to appreciate me more now, Primey."
"Yeah, actually, I am. So, what's the champion line-up this time?"
"How the hell should ah know? That's why ah'm asking you, ****."
"SERIOUSLY, **** YOU! JUST GO ****ING JUMP IN FRONT OF A NEXUS OBELISK!"
PC blew a steady stream of smoke out through his pursed lips. He lifted the cigar back to his mouth and took a long drag.
"The air smells like bloodlust today."
"SHUT UP! FOR ****'S SAKE!"
"Let's go, Primey."
"Where the **** are we going?"
"If you don't know the line-up and ah don't know the line-up, then we gotta go look at the line-up."
"Yeah, ok. That makes sense."
"Ah'll catch up later. You go on ahead."
"Yeah, alrigh--**** NO! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND PLAY CARDS!"
"Ah'm gonna win this one."
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN DENYING IT!?"
"One more game, Primey."
"Alright, whatever. Let me show you this **** is done."
The game that ensued left Primey with the famed reputation of being the only minion in the history of the League who folded a royal flush, yet still managed to win.
Inside the Nexus, the champion line-up was slowly coming together. Two purple Caster minions were examining the line-up with great focus.
"Kassadin mid? OP! We've got this **** in the bag."
"What are you talking about? Don't you see they have Annie? Annie is for sure going mid. Kassadin's going to be knee-deep in stuns, like Morgana after I left her bedroom this morning."
"...In my dream."
"Oh. Hey, man--"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Look, I get it. Everyone wants a chance with a female champion. I mean, all of them are just so..."
"Well-endowed, gorgeous figure, sexy expressions, no clothing--"
'Yeah, yeah. All that jazz."
"Well, at least we're guaranteed to have some eyecandy no matter who we get on our tea---WTF, IRELIA!?"
"FML! Out of all the champions!"
"That's even worse than Poppy or Tristana. Irelia looks like **** even though she's human-sized."
"Hey, Casters. Ah'm coming in."
"Oh, ****. It's PC."
"****, could this day get any worse?"
"Jesus, this place is a freaking dump," said Primey from the entrance of the Nexus. A pile of used socks slipped and crumbled onto the walkway.
"Who the **** are you?"
"Me? I'm Prime Minister, a rookie who just joine--"
"He's my valet, Primey. Show him some courtesy, kids."
"For the last ****ing time, PC, we're not ****ing kids! We're twice your age!"
"And fix that ****ty accent. You're not even doing it right. Where the hell did you pick that up from, a Hollywood movie?"
"Who we got today, gentlemen?"
"And he just ignores us."
"Like he ever listens."
"****, sometimes I just want to..."
"Yeah, how the hell did we get stuck with this *** on our infantry squad..."
Primey walked over to the two Caster minions and clasped their hands.
"Y-You...you have no idea...sniff gh...how much...sob...those words mean to me."
"Aw, ****. Ah hate it when they got those blank screens."
"Seriously, shut the **** up PC. Your smoker voice is driving me crazy."
"Alright, so we got Master Yi, Kassadin, Irelia, and Sona on our team so far."
"Jeez, what's with this blue team? Annie, Alistar, Vayne, and Rammus? We're going to get slaughtered," said Primey, staring agape at the projection screen on the wall.
"Still got two blank screens. They must be on Comcast."
The two Caster minions guffawed.
"Well, at least we got Sona."
"Yeah, Sona is hot."
"Vayne and Annie? Man, I feel bad for the blue team."
"Are you freaking kidding me? We're going to get our Nexus torn to shreds and you guys don't give a **** because we have Sona on our team?" said Primey.
Primey looked at them in astonishment.
"**** yeah. Seriously, I'm staying with you guys from now on. You guys are ****ing rad."
"Rad, he says."
"Oh boy. Get me out of here before I get a hernia."
"And you guys are *******s. Man, this is perfect. Let me room or something, playa."
"Alright, we'll let you room. Just stop. You're killing me. I'm going to pop a lung."
"So, back to Sona."
"You mean Miss Cucurbitaceae?"
"Shut up, he's not going to get that."
"You mean her sweater puppies?"
"Stop. Just stop. I'm dying. Really, I'm going to die."
"Ah'd say those chimichangas."
"PC, shut up! You just ****ing wilted my Douglas Fir with that smoker voice!"
"****. I just realized we have Master Yi on our team."
"What's wrong with Master Yi?" asked Primey.
"Dude thinks he's such a badass."
"Yeah, cause he can BD a turret and run the **** away."
"Stand right in the middle of a fight and wank his sword to give him max armor/MR stats."
"Seriously, he's a total jerkoff."
"Ooo, I got a big ass sword and more eyes than a spider!"
"It's *******s like him who think it's funny to decrease minion benefits."
"We have benefits?"
"Come on, rookie. You don't even know that?"
"How do you think PC here got so fat?"
"We get paid in bacon."
"Seriously?" asked Primey.
"No. Are you retarded?"
"The **** would I want bacon as my bonus for?"
"Ah like my bacon."
"Yeah, we know PC."
"Oh, finally. Our last champion's on the screen."
"PC, **** YOU!"
"It's probably going to be Ashe and Sona bot," said Primey, inspecting the summoner spells.
"Yo, where's the roster!?"
"You better put me on bot, **** it!"
"It's only fitting that two beauties accompany me in lane," said PC, expelling smoke from his mouth. "****, ah'm looking forward to it."
"Shut the **** up, PC and go smoke somewhere else! That cigar of yours smells like total ass!"
"Yeah, and what? Why the hell would we let you go bot?"
"It doesn't matter how you fix it, those ladies are going to go where ah'm going to go."
"One chick's a queen and the other chick is from a wealthy family. Like hell they're going to go for a fatass like you."
"****, this *** Yi is probably going to make Sona leash for him."
"Are you ****ing serious? ****, I forgot about that."
"Guys, guys. If he sucks, he'll go Red first."
"Oh, game and match!"
"What? What's going on?"
"Last character popped up."
"Who is it?"
"I forget her name. That ***** that spins around a lot."
"I said her, you ****."
"I'm not getting it. Who are you talking about?"
"Rookie, you know, right? Tell this idiot for me."
"...You forgot too?"
"Shut up and just tell me, rookie."
"I don't know! I'm new here!"
All three of them turned to PC.
"Well, no one ****ing cares."
"Yeah, screw it, I'm going bot anyways."
"So, when can I move in?"
"Next week alright with you?"
"You're going to have to do your own share of work though."
"I don't mind. I did the chores at home all the time."
"Oh, we got a mommy here."
"Finally, I don't have to eat your ****ty microwave meals every night."
"If they're so ****ty, why don't you go buy some yourself, ******?"
"Aw, ****. It's Katarina."
"That's her name!"
"PC, I told you to STFU!"
"You know, I don't really mind going top either. Katarina's pretty hot."
"Yeah, ok, rookie. You go top with PC, alright?"
"Don't **** with me."
"No space anywhere else. Sorry...playa."
"...*trying to hold back laughter*"
"You guys are ****s."
"Yeah, so see you next week?"
"Yeah. I'll be here."
"Alright. Meeting adjourned, men."
Primey sighed and followed PC out of the Nexus. Well, at least he would meet Ashe and Sona before they went off to battle.
"****, I sorta wish I could've gone bot..."
"Like ah said, Primey. Those two beauties are going to be going wherever ah'm going. So, just stick with me."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."
The time of battle was drawing near.
Those Minions - 3
"Hey, Caster. I was wondering. Where the hell did you pick up your wife from?"
"Like, I was just thinking about it, and I don't think I've ever seen a female minion except for her before."
"Are you ****ing kidding me? They're everywhere. They even have their own ****ing locker room to change in."
"Change? Change what?"
"The uniform, dumbass."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You've never changed your uniform before?"
"Of course not! What the ****? Aren't you supposed to keep this **** on at all times?"
"Wait, what? Then what the hell do you wear to sleep?"
"What do you mean what do I wear? I ****ing wear pajamas or something."
"On the ground?"
"You sleep under the trees, right?"
"...What the **** are you on about, Melee?"
"I thought we were supposed to sleep outside! You know, like roughing it?"
"...Jesus Christ. I can't believe my wife married you."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that you're a ******. There are ****ing barracks for us to sleep in."
"What the hell!? I never saw any of this!"
"Well, what, you think we just sleep under trees or something?"
"That's why you're a ******."
"You're ****ting me! I've been sleeping in the cold, with freaking mosquitos and **** biting my ass every night, and you're saying I could've been sleeping in a warm bed with central heating!?"
"You get hot chocolate at night too, in the lounge."
"Jesus, how the hell did you enlist? All of this gets explained on the first day."
"...I was sort of...you know...busy."
"Yeah. I had my own business to take care of."
"What could have possibly been so important--"
"I was celebrating our wife's three month anniversary, ok?"
"Ok, I'm going to ignore that anniversary bullcrap. But, Melee, I'm being ****ing serious here, stop calling her 'our' wife!"
"Well, why the **** should I?"
"It sounds ****ing awkward, that's why!"
"No, it doesn't! She was married to both of us, so why shouldn't I--"
"It sounds like we're two ******s or something--"
"How the hell does it sound like that? Seriously. Give me one example."
"Just stop saying it, ok? It's ****ing creepy. And besides, if she's anyone's wife, she's my wife. We were married for five years. You guys were married for three days."
"Are you--are you being serious right now? Dude, you're an idiot."
"Three days versus five years is like trying to compare your son with a kid you see at Mcdonald's."
"No. No. You are ****ing wrong. You better stop. I can't believe you're so narrow-minded!"
"Are you seriously trying to put a temporal condition on love like that? Do you seriously think just because you loved her longer, that you somehow have some sort of advantage over me as her husband?"
"Yeah, cause it's ****ing true--"
"No, it's ****ing not! I'll have you know, those three days were filled with pure, blissful happiness on both of our parts--"
"Did you do her?"
"What--no. No, I didn't. Our love was innocent and wholesome--"
"I did her. After every battle."
"Well, you know what, **** you! I guess that's why her dead body was so loose, *****!"
"Just means you were a bad fit, you sick ****."
"Ok, fine! I never ****ed her! You happy!? You happy now, you arrogant ballkicking teabagging ******nozzle!?" cried Melee.
"******nozzle, what the hell is--"
"I don't know! Ok? I'm crying inside right now and I'm totally brokenhearted because I never got a piece of that fine ass! Just **** off, alright!? **** OFF!"
"...Look, man. I went too far. And I was going to apologize. But then you went on and sexually fetishized my wife. So, cry your heart out, *****."
"No! SHUT UP! NO!"
"She picked ME over YOU! You get it now, cocktus!?"
"YOU ****ING KIDNAPPED HER FROM THE BATTLEFIELD AND THEN GOT MARRIED BY A TRAVELING PRIEST!"
"And she accepted!"
"Ok, whatever! You know what? I'm just going to call her by her name, like a proper husband."
"She had a name?"
"Of course she had a name!"
"What was it?"
"For your information, it was Millet."
"Millet? Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'm serious. Her name was Millet."
"Like, the grain."
"...Who the **** named her?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Millet? That's like a ***** name!"
"No, it's not!"
"Is too! That's like some name you'd give to a hobo in a trashbin. Like calling them Beans or Rice."
"I'll have you know, plenty of respectable people have been named Millet and Rice."
"Oh, like that painter who inspired the ****ing gay dude who cut his ear off."
"That's a gross misunderstanding! He was not gay! It's just a distortion of history!"
"And I'm sure Rice wrote about gay vampires."
"For ****'s sake, do you just have to pull gay out of everything? It's not even funny, it's just demeaning and homophobic!"
"I'm trying to fix a mangled heart! You started this ****!"
"Her name was Millet! Ok? Millet! There's nothing wrong with being named Millet!"
"Ok. At least it's an indicator of how good she tasted."
"Ahaha, very funny. Shut up, you virgin."
The two minions walked on in silence, both fuming violently inside.
"Melee. Shut up."
"I just want to say, I'm sorry."
"I know she was important to you. I'm not trying to take your place or anything."
"...Yeah, ok. I'm sorry too. I was being an ass about this whole marriage thing."
"We're bros-in-law. I think we just have to accept that fact."
"I don't care about that. It's just, sort of a shock, you know? Finding out my wife--"
"Millet married another guy. And died. Because of Katarina. ****ing Katarina."
"I know, seriously. I couldn't believe it. She's not even viable in the meta anymore."
Caster sighed and came to a stop. He looked up at the bright sky and rubbed his face furiously.
"I...I don't even know what to think! How am I supposed to react to this kind of ****?"
Melee strode over and clamped a supportive hand on Caster's shoulder.
"This is total mind****, Melee..."
"Caster. I've been thinking...and...I think I've finally come to a conclusion."
"...Yeah? What's that?"
"...Millet sounds pretty hot, actually."
Caster punched Melee so hard that he bounced off the ground and smashed into the lane wall.
"You know what? That made me feel better. Thanks, Melee."
"...I deserved that."
The sound of air being displaced, a soft roar that faded delicately away into the background, filled Ashe's ears. Her eyes slowly opened, the piercing green irise staring unfalteringly forward as her vision dimmed and sharpened. The scent of wood, moist grass, the faint faint touch of rotting blood...a single breath was enough to comprehend the nature of the Rift.
A place on the sheer edge of battle.
Surrounding her, the other champions were standing stock-still, their bodies adjusting from their transfer to the Rift.
To Ashe's right, Sona took a deep breath of the air, only to sigh with exasperation.
"It's such an ambivalent scent...who would have thought that the air could have such a sweet, lingering fragrance of peace, yet also contain a sharp, bitter note of blood?"
"Are you going to talk in poetry for the rest of the battle?" asked Ashe with a small smile.
"Of course not," replied Sona, her voice echoing in Ashe's mind.
"Tired of high society already?"
"Say what you want, Ashe. We're not in society anymore."
"Move aside, Frost Archer."
Ashe's eyes lowered to the pulsing purple blade that accompanied the distorted, alien voice. Looking back up, she found Kassadin's yellow eyes boring into hers, as intensely and unbearably as the sun.
"Pardon me, Kassadin," said Ashe, stepping to the side. Kassadin's eyes did not deviate from hers.
"Keep yourself out of my path, Frost Archer. Although you may be the Queen of Freljord, I am the King of this battlefield."
Kassadin floated past Ashe without another word and headed for the middle lane.
"Rude guy, isn't he?" said Sona telepathically.
"Well, he has every right to say so. He is our mid carry, after all."
Ashe stepped out of the fountain, her cloak trailing gently behind her.
"Vayne and Alistar at bottom. It looks like we'll have a rough time."
"Well, we're not such a bad combo either," said Sona. "But you're right. It is an annoying match-up."
"I suppose it wouldn't be much of a battle without proper opponents," said Ashe, still smiling. "Wouldn't it be disrespectful to hold back against someone who places their life on the line?"
"Yeah, but try and hold back, Ashe. I'm no TryndameeEEERE!!!"
Sona squealed as one hand suddenly clamped onto one of her breasts and another seized Ashe's.
"Ohohoho! Quite the treasures INDEED, ladies!"
Master Yi ducked and dodged as Sona's etwahl swung at his head.
"What do you think you're doing, Yi?" said Ashe, her hand returning the arrow she had drawn from her quiver.
"Sampling the goods, as they would say," said Yi, grinning from ear to ear.
"You're the worst, you know that?" said Sona, one arm covering her ample chest.
"That may be true, dear Sona, but I assure you, you are clearly one of the best," said Yi, flexing his fingers suggestively.
"Go sexually harass your sword, you jerk."
"So, you're our jungle today, Yi?"
"Correct, Ashe! And don't worry. When Vayne ends up raping you against the wall, I will come down and save you."
"Thank you, Yi. Your diligence always amazes me."
"Of course, of course! It is the least I can do. Now, if you don't mind, would you care to return the favor...in advance?" said Yi, his goggles extending forward anxiously.
"Sorry, but that would ruin the equal standing we've worked so hard to gain," said Ashe, pushing his goggles back.
"Ahh....shame. But no matter. I'll simply await your presence in a more...private environment."
"I'll look forward to it, Yi."
"You and Kassadin...why are all the men total pigs on our team?" remarked Sona with a disapproving glare.
"Pigs are among the cleanest animals in the world. Of course, our hearts are as sublime and crystal-clear as their hygiene."
"You have a heart? I thought all your blood went to your ****."
"Oh, you're as alluring as ever, Sona. Talk to me more in that dirty voice."
"Now, come Sona! I require your leash for the Blue Golem."
"Ah, you disappoint me, Sona. To think that you would put your perfectly-justified fears for your impeccable body before the well-being of your comrades. Aren't you a warrior, Sona Buvelle!?"
"Don't make me laugh, Yi. There's no way I'm going to go with you alone into the jungle--"
"Go on ahead, Sona. I'll catch up to you later," said Ashe as she purchased Boots of Speed from the store.
"Ashe, you can't be serious--"
"Come, Sona! Let us make sweet, sweet love in the dark jungle! I mean, let us make sweet, sweet love in the dark jungle!"
"You didn't correct a thing, you pervert!"
"Your body needs no correction," said Yi, whisking Sona into his arms.
"LET ME GO, RIGHT NOW YOU--!!"
Yi activated Ghost and ran off with Sona in tow.
"You didn't have to waste that, Yi..." said Ashe wryly.
"Excuse me, Ashe."
"Oh, I'm sorry Irelia. It seems I'm getting in everyone's way today."
"No, it was no trouble."
"You're heading to top?"
"Yes," said Irelia, touching the regrowth pendant around her neck. "May luck be with you on the battlefield."
"Same to you, Irelia. Good luck."
Irelia nodded and started off towards top lane. Ashe watched her departing figure for a minute, then turned back to the store.
"Three pots, please."
"Three pots? Of course. Three pots! It's not like you want two pots or one pot, right? Or, god forbid, four pots!? Now that'd be a ****ing miracle right there, wouldn't it!?"
The owner gnashed his teeth violently as he rummaged in the back for health potions.
"Is there a problem?" asked Ashe.
"No. No problem at all! It's not like anything is else is bought with boots! What about a sight ward, huh? Or maybe, you know, JUST MAYBE you could just run off with your ****ing boots and call it a ****ing day!? I mean, holy Doran's, do you ****ing know how many boots I have here? I have ****ing like ten thousand boots sitting under my ass because people like buying pots. **** POTS! THEY'RE CHEAP, THEY'RE ****ING WORTHLESS, AND YOU GUYS JUST ****ING DRINK THAT **** DOWN, LIKE IT'S ****ING FINE WINE OR SOMETHING!"
"Thanks for the pots. Here's your money."
"Pleasure doing business."
"Yi, that ****er! I can't believe he just did that!"
"I don't care if he is a champion, I'm going to rip his ****ing balls off the moment he gets back--"
Ashe turned her head towards the trees behind the store. Suddenly, the foilage shook, as if in response to her movement.
"****, she sees us! Move the **** out of the way!"
"****, those melons--!"
The foilage continued to rustle as two purple blurs flickered through its shadowy spaces. Ashe frowned and stared at the trees thoughtfully.
Those Minions - 4
"Hey, Caster. Can I ask you some--"
"No. You ****ing cannot. I swear to whatever god we have in lore, I will ****ing slash your throat while you are sleeping if you ask me a question. That is not the ****ing way you start an introduction!"
"I mean, the first time, sure! It's interesting and it'll be a great way to get some discussion started without, you know, feeling like you're stuffing someone's face with exposition. But, **** it, this is like the third time this kind of cop-out starting line has been used ever since we walked out of the ****ing base. I'm not taking it anymore! You know what, you can **** yourself!"
"...What the **** are you talking about?"
"I don't know. Just give me something better to work with."
"Ok, fine. Let's talk about Zeke's Herald."
"What the heck is that?"
"It's the newly revamped Stark's Fervor."
"What the heck is that?"
"It used to be a 2550g item with a ridiculous aura that only people who had a ton of money to spend got."
"What the heck is aura?"
"Enough with the sarcasm, ok?"
"I'll be completely honest. Who buys that ****?"
"Supports do! Some AD carries that want a little boost for the rest of their team...those kinds of people."
"An AD carry that wants to support the rest of the team...Melee. Are you like...drinking gasoline or something?"
"What the **** is gasoline?"
"Forget it. Let's not even get into this. I know, maybe there's a bunch of content worth talking about in Zeke's Herald, but as far as I'm concerned, if it's a support item, then let me put on this Yao Ming mask."
"Yao Ming, what the **** is--wow. Come on! Dude! Don't!"
Caster stared at Melee with the Yao Ming mask on his face.
"Where the **** did you get that?"
"Really? No way."
"Yeah, I'm just kidding. They'd never put this **** on there."
"Seriously, though. Where'd you get that?"
"Millet made it for me."
"...Millet never made me anything."
"You only knew her for three days. Man up."
"Well, yeah, but...it's sorta unfair...I mean...I was her husband too..."
"Would you get over it already?"
"It's not something I can just get over! I mean, you already have your Yao Ming mask, so maybe you don't understand what's it like being married, but unappreciated! Like, what am I, just a histress?"
"No, you're a ****ing pool boy."
"Look, if you're going to cry that much over it...here."
"What the **** is this?"
"It's the only other mask Millet made. You can have it."
"Really? Are you being serious?"
"Dude...man. I don't know what to say."
"It's cool, Melee."
"Really, you don't know how much this means to me."
"Forget about it."
"Ok. Could you...uh...drop the mask?"
"Like, drop it on the ground."
Caster tossed the mask onto the ground.
"Millet! You sent me a mask from heaven!?"
Caster slapped a hand over his eyes.
"I don't even have the heart to..."
"Oh, Millet. You really shouldn't have. This is amazing. I love you."
Melee put on the Forever Alone mask.
"How do I look?"
"Great. Now, let's get going. I don't even know where the **** we are anymore."
"Alright, all of you jerk-offs, gather around! We're having a ****ing meeting!"
The minions gathered around obediently, although the chatter among them was still building into substantial background noise. The purple Caster minion raised his hand and waited for silence.
Which he never got. But that was the usual.
"Ok, so, the champions for today are Kassadin, Master Yi, Irelia, Ashe, and Sona."
A wave of groans had escaped the minion crowd as exchanges of money and brand new socks were made at the listing of the first few champions. However, the entire army went deathly silent as the final champion was named.
"...Did you say Sona?" a brave minion finally plucked the courage to ask.
"Yeah. We have Sona on our team."
"We're talking, F-cup Sona, right?"
"Yeah, F-cup Sona."
The silence loomed for several more seconds.
Then, a deafening roar rose from the minion army.
"SONA'S ON OUR TEAM! SONNAAA'S ON OUR TEAM!!!"
"**** YEAH! HOW MANY ****ING MATCHES HAS IT BEEN!?"
"I'M GOING TO GO SOLO BARON AFTER I SEE SONA, WHO WANTS TO COME WITH ME!?"
"****, I'M DOWN!"
"SONNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I LOVEEEE YOUUU!!!"
"WHERE'S THAT PORNO, SONA!?"
"****, SOMEONE GET ME SOME BINOCULAURS, CAUSE I'VE GOT SONA'S TWINS WAITING FOR ME!"
"Ok, ok. Everyone, calm down."
"MARRY ME, *****---GAH!"
"I JUST KILLED THE ****** WHO CALLED YOU A *****, SONA!"
"****ing ****, these guys are worse than PC."
"Well, it's Sona. What do you expect?"
"Yeah, you're right. Here, you take the mic for a minute. SONAAAAAA!!! SONNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
The purple Caster minion stood up and started thrusting his pelvis furiously into the air. The entire minion army cheered and followed his lead, all the while calling Sona's name as loudly as their lungs would allow them to.
"I JUST WANNA GET THOSE BUNS AND WRAP THEM AROUND MY HOT DOG!"
"NOT IF I GET THEM FIRST!"
"WOO! WOO! YEAAAHHHH SONNAAAAA, BABY!!!"
"****, those breasts! Jesus, I'd **** the ****ing dragon in the ass just to touch those breasts!"
"Forget the dragon, I'd **** a ****ing Infinity Edge to get Sona to rub me down!"
"LET ME TOUCH YOUR FEET, SONA!!!!"
"What the **** is wrong with you, ****wad!?"
"Yeah, what the ****, man. Feet?"
"You're ****ing sick."
"Get the **** out of here."
"Don't ****ing touch me!"
"****, man! You just RUINED IT. RUINED IT, YOU ****ING *******!"
"KILL THIS ****!"
"**** YOU! WHAT'S WRONG WITH FEET, HUH!?"
"EVERYTHING'S WRONG WITH IT, YOU ****ING ASSWIPE."
"YEAH! YOU SHOULD BE GOING FOR HER ARMPIT, YOU ****!"
"Armpit? Wowwwwww, what the fuuucck are you guys on?"
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm just saying, ****, you guys have some ****ing weird fetishes."
"It's not a ****ing weird fetish, it's a ****ing legitimate interest, you ****."
"Yeah, you wanna say that to my face?"
"Bring it, hoebag!"
"Hey, you ****ing minions in the ****ing front! Shut the **** up! We're having a ****ing meeting! Now, if you want to settle some Sona fanboy ****, go ****ing do it outside. And hopefully, you guys get ****ing killed while you're at it. Feet and armpits? **** off."
"Wow, this ****** actually made that joke."
"Holllyyy ****. We have a ****ing comedian here."
"Hahaha, you're killing me!"
"What? I don't ****ing get it. Someone explain."
"You know, now that I think about it, those breasts are probably going to be taken. **** that ****. I'm going armpits then."
"What the **** is wrong with you!? Seriously, what the ****, you guys? Armpits?"
"What, and you think there's something better out there? What kind of sick **** are you going to bring up? Her esophagus?"
"Obviously the back of her knee, you dumb****s!"
"SONA, I LOVE YOU!!!"
Ashe watched as the minion army began arguing over which one of Sona's body parts was the most attractive. She had initially wandered off to greet the minions, but the huge burst of noise suddenly blasting into her eardrums had made her take refuge behind one of the Nexus turrets.
"As I thought, these minions are all going to...continue using extremely vulgar language."
Ashe smiled and rested her head against the turret. Although she wasn't used to such foul dialogue, it was refreshing to hear something other than the sophistry she usually heard as Queen of Freljord. Even among just champions, there was a small sense of distance and respect keeping them civil, but these minions seemed to have no qualms in defecating on one another through sheer verbal abuse.
Not that Ashe enjoyed it. It was only after two more minutes of listening to these minions that Ashe couldn't help but retch, almost losing her lunch in the process.
"Alright, alright. Settle down. I know we all want to bone Sona, but any more than this, and we'll turn into a gay sausage fest. So shut the **** up already!"
Silence immediately conquered the minions save for a single high-pitched minion voice.
"What do you mean gay sausage fest? I'll have you know, I'm a female minion and I want to schlick Sona like there's no tomorrow."
"****, that's hot."
"Hey, how come I haven't seen you around my place, baby?"
"Shut up, you ****ing losers. I'm through with your guys' ****ing premature launch times."
"Wait a minute, who are you? I haven't seen a female minion in years."
"Nah, just kidding. It's me, guys."
"Oh, wow! You ****! That actually sounded like a chick!"
"Hahaha! Good one, man!"
"Yeah, I seriously believed a chick minion was here for a minute."
"Right. A female minion."
"I heard the blue minions have chicks."
"For reals? What the ****, man?"
"Minions, minions. We have Sona. They have Vayne."
The minion army burst into uproarious laughter.
"Yeah, I'd rather **** Sona than a female minion."
"There's not even a point in female minions. Our lifespans are like two turrets, give or take."
"****, I just broke No-Fap February."
"What, are you kidding me?"
"You go along with those kinds of retarded events?"
"Get this guy some Sona action. He needs it more than we do!"
"I LOVE YOU SONA!!!"
"****! SHUT UP, YOU COCKSUCKING, HORSE****ING, MANWHORING PIECE OF ****!"
"Alright, guys. Back to the agenda. So, like usual, we're splitting up into top, mid, and bot lanes. Everyone good with that?"
"Why don't we do something original for once? Like, all mid?"
"Hey, troll. No one likes you. Gtfo."
"I'm just saying! Sheesh!"
"I second that motion. I ****ing hate going bot."
"Mid's the shortest route. We should all ****ing go mid."
"You guys are ****ing talking like you're ****ing champions. We're ****ing minions. If we don't ****ing go top and bot, then what the **** are the champions going to do? Suck ass?"
"Who cares about champions."
"Sona's going mid, right?"
"All mid, ftw."
"Let's go, you ****ers. I don't mind sharing."
"You're disgusting. Give me five, brother."
"We don't know where the champions are ****ing going. All we know is that Yi is going to be jungle."
"Great. At least we don't have to see that ********** on the field."
"Yeah, seriously. What a ******. Do you know what he told me last time I saw him? 'Oh, poor little minion. Do you want me to save you? Oh, I'm sorry. I need to stand here and ****ing wank off to heal myself.'"
"What a ******bag."
"What are you guys talking about? Master Yi's the ****ing most badass champion on the entire League."
"Oh, we have a gay suck-up here."
"**** you. Yi's a piece of ****."
"Yi's ****ing better than Vladimir. Oh, let me just turn into a puddle and run the **** away while my minions die in the front lines."
"Anyways! Moving on! According to our decisions, here are the lanes that you are going to be attacking in for the remainder of the battle. Listen carefully and no ****ing interruptions!"
The purple Caster minion recited names off and the minion army began to divide up into three groups. Surprisingly, it only took a couple of minutes before the army had been split up properly and all were prepared for battle.
"What the **** is this?"
"Why the **** are there only two Caster minions on bot lane!?"
"Look, don't ****ing complain. This was done in a completely unbiased, objective selection process. More Caster minions were sent to top since there's only going to be one champion in that lane."
"What the ****, when has that kind of **** ever happened!?"
"Irelia would go top, right?"
"Yeah, and Kassadin owns mid."
"So, let's start moving out, minions!"
"...Yeah, whatever. Let's go."
"****, I didn't even get to see Sona. There was only ****ing Ashe over there near the turret."
"Ashe has pretty nice **** too."
"They're ****ing covered up though."
"**** it, you're right."
"Redesign plz, Riot."
"Who the **** are you guys talking to?"
And so, with that, the minions were just minutes away from leaving for the battlefield.
been a bit busy, so took a while for this chapter to come out. next one might take a while too.
Those Minions - 5
"Caster! Caster! Hold on a sec!"
"Hurry up, Melee. The longer we take to get to their base, the faster Katarina will level."
"That's what I'm saying! Would you stop for a second and listen to me!?"
Caster finally ceased his relentless march and turned around.
"Wait, what the hell? Where are you?"
"Over here!" came Melee's distant cry.
"Holy ****. You're still at the entrance turret!?"
"Yeah, no kidding, kidding, kidding..."
Caster sat down and waited for Melee to arrive, polishing off all of the food they had brought in the process.
"Haa...haa....I'm...I'm here," panted Melee, hands on knees and tongue hanging out of his mouth.
"Jesus Melee...you're ****ing slow."
"I know. I haven't worked out in ages."
"Why didn't you buy boots?"
"You think I'm rich or something!? How the **** did you get boots?"
"I took one during my inventory shift. When else?"
"What? You can do that?"
"No. But who's going to know? It's not like Summoners check what we do after the battle."
"Anyways, here's a spare pair of boots."
"Jeez, Caster. I feel really bad. You've been giving me stuff all day..."
"Yeah, well, hurry the **** up if you want to thank me."
"Can I get a sandwich too? I'm really hungry after that run..."
"Uh...sorry. *cough* some stray dogs stole it from me."
"Aw, serious!? ****, where'd they go? I'm going to ****ing kill them!"
"Look, we have something more important to kill!"
"What are we going to do without food?"
"I don't know," said Caster, feeling exceptionally full from the sandwiches. "I guess we'll have to starve. But we can handle it, right? It's only a couple of days max."
"I guess. Makes me feel better knowing you're going through it with me, man."
"Yeah, well, what are bros for? Anyways, let's get going."
"Hold on! There's something important I have to tell you."
"Yeah? What is it?"
"Your shoes are untied."
"Oh, really? Thanks--THAT'S NOT ****ING IMPORTANT!"
"Yeah it is. What if you fought against Katarina and tripped?"
"Like **** I'm going to trip! I'm a ****ing Caster! I just shoot little bolts of energy!"
"Are you trying to imply something?"
"Wha--no, what the hell are you talking about?"
"It sounds like you're trying to say you're better than me because you don't have to get into close combat."
"Holy ****ing ****, Melee. Are you being serious about this? Jesus Christ, ever since I gave you that Forever Alone mask, you've been acting like you have a ****ing inferiority complex or something."
"Look, I'm just saying that just because you're a Caster doesn't make you any different from other minions, ok!?"
"This isn't a ****ing competition. It doesn't ****ing matter whether or not I'm different. And for your information, I am ****ing different. Do you notice I have a wand and you have a ****ing sword and shield?"
"Look, you *****, I'm just saying--"
"That's all you ever ****ing say! I'm just saying! Is that your catchphrase or something?"
"Yeah, got a problem with that!?"
Caster and Melee both jumped as a loud cry descended on them from the heavens.
"OW, HOLY ****!"
"****! WHAT THE ****, you *****!"
"THAT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT SUMMONER LADY? WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE **** UP, YOU ****ING *****!"
"Jesus Christ, YOU NEARLY TORE MY EARDRUM, YOU ****!" screamed Caster at the sky.
"This entire time, you two have been arguing! Can't you see that you're just tearing yourselves apart!?"
"Oh my god..."
"Hahaha, wow. People still say that kind of **** in this time and age?"
"Look, lady," started Caster, staring exasperately at the sky. "We're ****ing minions, ok? It's not in our job description to get along with each other. Haven't you ****ing noticed all of us talk like ****ing *******s and ******bags?"
"Yeah, seriously. Does it look like we really hate each other?" said Melee.
"Well, you're wrong," said Melee.
"..." The Summoner Lady's silence seemed almost like sulking in the aftermath of her booming outburst.
"Oh, Jesus Christ. You made her cry."
"What!? No, I didn't! She just started crying on her own!"
"Shut up, Melee. This is why you're just a second-rate husband."
"SHUT UP, YOU *****!"
"Y-You have a wife, Melee?" asked the Summoner Lady.
"Had," corrected Melee, digging a pinky furiously into his ear. "I was married to his ex-wife. We're bros-in-law."
"...You got married."
"Yeah. To a hot minion chick."
"No ****ing way," said Caster, a small chuckle rising from his throat. "No ****ing way! You're crushing on Melee!?"
"W-What!? W-What are you talking about!"
"She's totally crushing on you, Melee," said Caster. "Only a jealous ***** would talk like that after hearing you got married. Normal women wouldn't believe it."
"N-No! I don't--it's not like that!"
"Just admit it, you dumb *****."
"I DON'T LIKE MELEE!"
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE ****ING MY EARS!"
"I-It's not like after I saw him brave Katarina down by using a perfect Lee Sin impression that I fell for his rugged good looks and amazing aura of pheromones or anything!"
"...Holy ****, you're ****ing messed up."
"Who's she talking about?"
"Shut up, Melee."
"D-Don't you tell him to shut up!"
"You ****ing tramp! BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!"
"Come on Caster, aren't you being a little harsh on her? She's just a girl..."
"Melee, for ****'s sake! Shut your ****ing mouth before I ram this wand into your ****ing rectum--"
"Y-You...you two are in that kind of relationship!?"
"WHAT!?" exploded Caster, wiping the blood from his ears. "*****! SHUT UP BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING UNFORGIVEABLE!"
"Like I said, we're bros-in-laws--"
After a few more minutes of intensive shouting, Caster was finally able to get Melee and the Summoner Lady to quiet down. Panting heavily from the ridiculous exhaustion his body was now experiencing, Caster lowered himself into a seating position on the ground in order to recuperate.
"So, you're the one that says 'Welcome to Summoner's Rift!' all the time, right?" asked Melee, looking up at the sky.
"Yeah! Yeah, that's me!"
"You sound different in person."
"Oh...I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your expectations. I didn't mean to have a worthless voice that sounds different from my announcing. I'm sorry that I'm such a bad announcer. I should just uninstall myself from the resources pack," said the Summoner Lady in a mournful voice.
"Huh? No, I didn't mean anything like that! I'm just saying, it's a little...refreshing, I guess?"
"Re-Refreshing?" repeated the Summoner Lady, sounding remarkably more cheerful.
"Yeah. Cause I usually hear you from across the map, so talking to you normally like this is a pretty new experience for me."
"Oh...well...I've always been watching you, Melee," said the Summoner Lady shyly.
"Oh really? Thanks! You know, it's nice to be appreciated, because I think that minions don't get a whole lot of respect for the work they do--"
"How did I end up getting two idiots to meet each other?" mumbled Caster as his lungs slowly began to inflate again. "It's like watching daytime television..."
"So I was saying, we should just boycott the Nexus! Since, what the **** are they going to do? Tank through two turrets and an inhibitor to come kill us? At level one? Yeah, right. They can't do **** without us! But they're the ones that get all the benefits, all the fame, all the ****ing admiration--"
"You're right! That's so wrong of them!" agreed the Summoner Lady. "They really should treat you guys better!"
"You see! Even the Summoner Lady gets it. Hey, Caster, you hearing this?"
"I'm glad you got another supporter for your ****ing boycott, Melee."
"Sheesh, what's with the sarcasm? Baron got up your ass?"
"Have you forgotten that we're here to ****ing kill Katarina!? Do you have any ****ing idea how much time we're wasting talking to this dumb *****!? She could be level five by now for all the **** we know!"
"Yeah, Katarina's leveling when the battle hasn't even started yet."
"Caster, you need to chill the **** out. You think Millet would like it if you just jumped headfirst at Katarina and died?"
"...I can't believe I'm being lectured by you."
"Oh, I just remembered what I was going to really tell you instead of saying your shoes were untied."
"That was a ****ing cover-up line?"
"Yeah? What ****** would say something like 'your shoe is untied' so seriously?"
Caster didn't respond. The only reason he had been tricked was because the possibility with Melee was extremely high. He felt a little better about himself after thinking that.
"I didn't know minions wore shoes..." remarked the Summoner Lady.
"I don't since this ****er still hasn't given me mine," said Melee, clearly upset.
"Trade you for your mask."
"Alright, alright. So, what the **** were you going to tell me?"
"Right. I realized while we were running up here that we're forgetting something really important."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"Is Katarina even in today's battle?"
Caster was infected with such an excruciating case of dumbstruck that he literally collapsed onto his knees, gasping for air.
"Yeah, see? I can't believe we totally forgot about that."
"How could I have made such a mistake? Such a Melee mistake!?"
"It's you! Hanging around you has rotted my brain! Get out of here, Melee! Just get the **** out of here!"
"Look man, we all make mistakes--"
"SHUT UP! STOP INFECTING ME WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!"
"DON'T YELL AT MELEE!" shrieked the Summoner Lady, bursting the two minions' eardrums once more.
"****! ****! I'm getting used to it now, but it still ****ing hurts!" said Melee, clenching his ears.
"Listen, you ****ing *****," started Caster, one eye barely able to endure the pain and stay open. "If you don't ****ing learn to control your ****ing voice, SHUT THE **** UP AND ****ING LEAVE US THE **** ALONE! YOU'RE A ****ING ****BAG ***** THAT'S BEEN CONTRIBUTING **** TO THIS CONVERSATION! SO, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, **** OFF! YOU ****! YOU *** DUMPSTER! GO **** PHREAK IN THE ASS FOR ALL I CARE. JUST GET YOUR ****ING DEMONSPAWN VOICE OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU ****ING MAKE ME DEAF!"
"..eee...uuu..." whimpered the Summoner Lady. Both Caster and Melee froze as the booming voice took an intake of breath.
"WAIT, WAIT! SUMMONER LADY-!!"
But it was too late. The teary tirade was already forming in the air, like the roar from an approaching tidal wave. Any moment, the sheer destructive force of the Summoner Lady's voice would sweep through all of Summoner's Rift, surely obliterating everything in its path and leaving behind only a swathe of chaotic destruction.
In that split-second before the end arrived, Melee's instincts forced his mouth open and spewed the magic words.
"MARRY ME, **** IT!!!!!!!"
The silence that followed was absolute. The complete opposite of the force that should've turned the two minions into dust. It was truly as if Melee had gone deaf. Had the Summoner Lady's scream destroyed his ears so quickly that he didn't feel the pain?
"No, I just said that to shut you up--"
Caster's hand immediately slapped over Melee's mouth.
"Of course! Minion never goes back on his word! We're soldiers, right? RIGHT, you lucky ****ing *******, you!" said Caster, his eyes drilling so hard into Melee's that it wouldn't have been a surprise to see blood squirting from his ocular orifices.
"Look, I don't give a **** if your eyes are bleeding. You shut the **** up, you hear me?" hissed Caster, cracking Melee's jaw with his vicegrip in order to emphasize his message. Melee's resistance faded and he hung slack under Caster's palm. The whites of his eyes were shining clear in a pool of red.
"I-I'm so happy, Melee," said the Summoner Lady tearfully.
"Yeah, yeah. He's happy too," said Caster, tossing Melee to the side. "You know any traveling priests around here?"
A couple minutes later, Melee was officially married to his second wife.
"Oh, oh! Isn't this a little fast? We weren't even dating..."
"You say that after you took your ****ing vows?" said Caster, throwing the carnation on his robe away. "So, you'll be all happy and quiet now, right?"
"Yes. I promise to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, Melee as my lawfully wedded husband, and that I'll learn to shut the **** up whenever I'm not doing my announcer duties."
"Great. That's splendid. I wish you guys great happiness," said Caster, wiping the sweat off his brow. Well, at least that was one nuisance out of his way.
"Thank you, Caster. You've been so supportive of my relationship with Melee. How can I ever repay you?"
"Like I said, just keep your marriage vows, and we'll call it even. You're my sister-in-law now. I guess. Sort of."
"Thank you so much," said Summoner Lady, weeping slightly. "But I really have to thank you. Is there anything you want?"
"No, really. Just keep your marriage vows. KEEP THEM."
"Oh, right. I just remembered. You two were wondering if Katarina was in this battle, right?"
"****! I totally forgot about that. ****!" Caster banged his wand against Melee's head in agitation. "How the **** do I find out whether Katarina's in today's battle or not?"
"I have the list of today's participants. Do you want me to tell you?"
It took a few moments for those undeniably audible words to penetrate Caster's thought process. He turned his head slowly up to the sky in response.
"Say that again, *****?"
© 2014 Riot Games, Inc. All rights reserved. Riot Games, League of Legends and PvP.net are trademarks, services marks, or registered trademarks of Riot Games, Inc.