should i write more

yes 2 50.00%
no 2 50.00%
Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

my days in the league inspired by jakaboy

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ImperfectSanity

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Senior Member

01-16-2012

hi its loserguy and due to me being stress out beyond all reason i decide to write a fanfic.this is inspired by the fanfic started by jakaboy so here goes nothing.

for the role of my bff and my almost girl friend who enjoys reminding me of it on a constant bases is the beautiful lux

for the role of my Best friend sense childhood twisted fate shall be feeling his shoes

and for me i will be just a nameless summoner any new characters will get a small little announcement as to who they are as they appear


well if your reading this then your expecting a great tale of a mighty champion or a summoner with such immense power he changed the face of the league.well your way way off i was born to demancian middle class and discovered i could use magic just recently but i wouldn't really call my self talented i almost blew up my house and anyone else that was near by. unlike most demancains i have never been into the whole black and white justice idea instead iv always been for a more free form of government and morals that arnt so strick. this has caused some feeling of disappointment by about everyone iv ever met but they seem to think once i become a full summoner for our great nation i will gladly join the fold of strong hearted demacains loyal to our king.they shouldn't hold there breath


.so I'm on my way to the league today is the day all new summoners are to start there training at the league but why they would want me ill never know.the gates to the league where as grand and huge as iv been told. the league is a popular stop for merchants so almost every merchant would have tales of the all magical league of legends. as i step through the grand door i notice none of my fellow summoner are there i quickly check the note i was given for my entrance into the league and realized in my haste i misread the time by about an hour .as the depression of my own failure started to set in i saw her for the first time her hair as beautiful her laugh angelic then i saw the entire group of guys following her some in summoner robes other champions ezreal clearly at the head of the pack talking to her.it was at the point i felt something knock me down as i look up a man in a hat covering his eyes and into his southern draw said "your late the other summoner are down the hall" as i spoke i realized who i was talking to twisted fate the card master .i was barley able to stand and mutter the words "sorry and thanks" and as i took my first step forward i turned and with a smile said"any chance i can have my coin purse back".twisted fate gave a small smile and said here you go welcome to the league as he tossed my purse back toward me .luxxana was now gone and i made my way down the hall to join my fellow summoner in my new life .


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

01-16-2012

Aw, I inspired something. But remember, give credit to Belthazor, as well. He inspired me in the first place.


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belthazor3457

Senior Member

01-16-2012

You'll have to write a longer intro for the poll on if you should write more to be any use. You have to give people a sample so they can make an informed choice on the poll, and the sample isn't large enough to taste thus far.

Also consider adding in some paragraph splits.

Now as for this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by loserguy56 View Post
well if your reading this then your expecting a great tale of a mighty champion or a summoner with such immense power he changed the face of the league.well your way way off i was born to demancian middle class and discovered i could use magic just recently but i wouldn't really call my self talented i almost blew up my house and anyone else that was near by.
True power is what you do with your life, not what you're born into.


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LaviKun

Member

01-16-2012

When you write, learn to capitalize, so the reader know the beginning of a sentence. Check your spelling and grammar.
DO NOT USE WORDS LIKE: ikr, b4, lol, plz, etc. Spell them out completely.
Use punctuation more often, or it'll become a run on sentence.
Use paragraphs, when some speaks.

This might get you more readers into your story.^^ I usually don't read a story unless someone knows how to write. lawl.


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Cerubois

Senior Member

01-16-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by loserguy56 View Post
hi its loserguy and due to me being stress out beyond all reason i decide to write a fanfic.
Quote:
-_-;
^^^ My "I think you're writing this for the wrong reason, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt" look.

I'm trying to write this without being offensive. Sorry if it comes off that way. English is limited in its respectful terms (I do respect everyone who puts effort into their writing, regardless of skill).

I'm unsure if English is your first language. If it isn't, you might want to find a friend whose is, and have them edit it for you. If it is, you definitely need to work on spelling and grammar. Running it through a spellcheck isn't enough. A grammar check will help more. Re-reading it yourself (aloud) is where you'll find most mistakes. If a sentence is too long or a word not quite right, you'll notice it then.

The 'talking to the reader' style (I'm not sure if it has a better name, I'm just calling it that), is more often than not used when someone is writing a journal, or a letter to a friend. This lets the reader know that the story is not actually written for them, but they're reading over the shoulder of the actual recipient. This can be interesting if done well. But when it's not really addressed to someone, it might make people a little uncomfortable.
For instance, in your opening, you assume the reason we're reading the story is because we're looking for a "great tale of a mighty champion or a summoner with such immense power he changed the face of the league."
What if we're not? Personally, I don't expect any story to be like that from the start. I expect something more interesting than "This guy was born and then he did amazing stuff. The end."
What I'm trying to say, I guess, is to give the reader information, but try not to give it to them directly. Make them think about it. Make them understand it.

A few more specific points:

How can someone 'almost' blow up their house and everyone around? If I managed to 'almost' start a fire in my kitchen, well, I believe I'd still be cooking just fine. There wouldn't be any change. Now If I managed to blow up half my house, well, I think I'd need to do something about that.

Summoners are expected to give up their allegiance to their cities. They are meant to be impartial and unbiased towards everything, so becoming a summoner 'for' a city is impossible.

Does your character know of Lux before he sees her? He mentions this is the first time actually seeing her. But then he knows her name. It's a little contradictory.

Again, try to read all this without any negative connotations. I'm brutally honest, but I don't intend to anger anyone. I'm just trying to help.