Once upon a time, in a land several patches ago where Mordekaiser was still a viable pick in ranked....
It was a bright new morning, and the League of Legends press conference room was filled with a bunch of excited people, for today was the day to pick champions for an upcoming ranked match!
Not only were various members of Runeterra news media present, but many champions were in attendance as well. In a corner of the room, Warwick and Nasus were carrying on a conversation as they waited for the picks to start.
Warwick: "Yo dawg."
Nasus: "Sup dawg."
Warwick: "What's going on, dawg."
Nasus: "I got majorly buffed, dawg, I think I might get picked today."
Warwick: "For realz, dawg? My Q got nerfed a lil while ago, but I'm still viable solo top, dawg, maybe I'll see you up there."
Nasus: "That would be balla, dawg. If we face off top, may the best dawg win, dawg."
Warwick: "Word, dawg! No harsh feelings afterwards, right, dawg?"
Nasus: "No hard feelings, dawg, honest."
Warwick: "Shake on it, dawg. You know how to shake paws, dawg?"
Nasus: "Of course, dawg, it's the first trick I learned!"
The two dawgs shook paws in a show of comraderie, but then Warwick's eyes narrowed as he sniffed the air.
"Uh oh, dawg, I think I smell yo brother coming, dawg."
"Oh ****, dawg, he probably looking to pick a fight again. **** that idiot crocodile bro of mine, dawg!"
"Yo dawg, just bail. Renekton gonna wreck this building like the last time he ran into you, and they gonna charge you up the ass again in repair fees, dawg."
"I'm out, dawg, let me know how the picks go, dawg."
"No problem, dawg, peace!"
Nasus hustled out one door while Renekton, the Butcher of the Sands, burst through another door. Renekton was riding a bright red moped, mostly due to two reasons. 1) Mopeds get good gas mileage. 2) If some dude teased him about his moped, it gave Renekton an excuse to beat the living **** out of him.
"NASUS! COME OUT, YOU COWARD!" Renekton roared at the top of his lungs as he rode his moped around in circles inside the conference room, his nostrils flaring in fury as he detected the stanky odor of his brother's cheap cologne. "I KNOW YOU'RE HERE, YOU MANGY CUR! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU PANSY!"
But Nasus was long gone, and Renekton yelled in fury as he got off his moped and punched Heimerdinger in the face. "Rawwwr, **** it, he got away again!"
Most of the other champions ignored Renekton's tantrum, because they were used to his antics by now. But two popular solo top champions, standing in a corner together, were chortling and whispering loudly about the angry croc.
"Hey, Irelia, check it out." Singed nodded over to Renekton. "It's that one tanky dps guy who, unlike us cool cats, has no innate CC reduction!"
"Ah yes. Renekton." Irelia sniffed haughtily as she fluffed her hair. "Oh, that poor sap. He needs CDR so badly, yet he needs tenacity so badly too. Oh, the dilemma of Renekton! To buy Ionian boots, or to buy good ole Merc Treads."
Singed replied, "Or, maybe, he could buy a Cloak and Dagger instead! Because an AD caster like him sure could use the extra attack speed and crit! Hahahaha!"
The two laughed out loud now, and Renekton glowered at the two as he stomped over. "Hey, *******s! If you got something to say, say it to my face!"
"Who? Us?" Irelia acted all innocent. "Cool down, Renekton! You're imagining things!"
Singed chortled, "I think you meant to say 'calm down', Irelia!"
Irelia chortled back, "No, I meant to say 'cool down'! Ohohohoho!"
"Stop making fun of my CDR dilemma, you buttwipes! It's not funny!"
Renekton wanted to fight them both, but then he heard loud screaming from the other side of the room, and everyone turned their heads to see Twisted Fate backed into a corner, trapped by a creepily smiling Morello who was prancing back and forth in front of TF and wielding his magical schoolgirl nerfbat wand.
"No, please! Morello, I beg you!" Twisted Fate's face was streaked with fresh tears as he sank to his knees. "My ult is what makes me viable for competitive play, please please don't - "
"Mooooon nerfinnnnng!" Morello drew a big glittery circle in front of TF, and TF curled into a helpless ball, shrieking in dismay as a soft glow surrounded him. "There, all done! Have a nice day."
Morello turned to leave, and all of the other champions took a few steps back away from him, afraid to look Morello in the eye. Even Renekton was afraid of Morello, as he tried to somehow crouch and hide behind Teemo, who was also petrified in fear. But then Teemo went invisible due to his passive, and Renekton cursed as he quickly scooted over to hide behind Rammus, who was currently rolled up in Defensive Ball Curl.
A voice from beside him said, "Oh, don't worry, Renekton. You're not getting nerfed! You're getting buffed!"
"Huh?" Renekton turned to see Guinsoo smiling happily up at him. "Oh hey, Guinsoo - WAIT, I'M GETTING BUFFED??"
"Yes, you are! You are getting major buffs, just like your brother!"
"Awesome! It's been so long since I've been buffed! Wait, and my brother is getting buffed, too?? Wtf!"
"Well, let's face it, your brother needed a little help, so we gave him some help. We improved his wither, his lifesteal passive, his spirit fire, and his attack range!"
"Yeah, yeah,enough about that mother****er! What about me! What do I get! Tell me, tell me!"
"Well, Renekton! For you..."
"Ooh oooh ooh!" The croc man was hopping from one foot to the other, he was so excited.
"For you, we fixed your Slice and Dice so it actually does the armor reduction as stated in the tooltip!"
Guinsoo was smiling really big now, evidently very happy with himself. Renekton nodded impatiently as he continued to fidget anxiously. "Ok, that's nice. Bug fixing is always good.... so, what else?"
Guinsoo looked confused now. "What do you mean, what else?"
Renekton became confused too. "I mean, what other buffs did you give me? You said major buffs, right? So, like, what else do I get?"
Guinsoo's smile became a little nervous now. "Well, ah. There is nothing else. That's it."
Renekton stopped fidgeting, and he simply stared at Guinsoo. "Wait. So you're saying that fixing a bug for my E skill... you call that a major buff?"
"I, um..." Guinsoo started fidgeting now, giggling nervously. "... yes?"
Renekton's bloodshot eyes became even more bloodshot as he simply stared down at Guinsoo. And Guinsoo tittered loudly, "Well, you know, armor reduction is a valuable effect for AD characters, and your Slice and Dice has good mobility, and so, um, in a way, it is a major buff to your.... uh... fighting prowess...."
Renekton continued to stare at Guinsoo. Then Guinsoo held up a hand to his ear, pretending to hear something. "Oh, what was that, Shurelia? You need my input on how to rework Nidalee's heal? Be right over!"
Guinsoo scurried away, leaving behind a trembling-in-apoplectic-rage Renekton with balled up fists. Rammus poked his head out of his shell to see what was going on, and when he saw a flaming and infuriated Renekton standing over him, Rammus promptly pulled his head back in.
"Ssssomething the matter, Renekton?"
At the sound of Cassiopeia's heavenly voice, Renekton immediately turned into a giant plushy crocodile doll with a big stupid sheepish grin. "Oh, hi, Miss Cassie! Uh huh huh, no, nothing's the matter! Everything's just dandy, golly gee shucks, how are you doing today? Hope you're doing well! Hyuk!"
"Oh, I'm doing well, thank you for asking. I am being picked much more often these days in tournaments and high elo matches, so I have nothing to complain about. How have you been?"
"Me? I'm doing ok, I'm getting some play time here and there. No pro teams are using me in tournaments right now, but I'm still played once in a while at high elo, so, yeah. Work is work, I guess."
"Well, I hear Voyboy is one of the summoners for today's match, and he loves to pick you, so maybe I'll see you out there on the battlefield today, big boy."
Cassiopeia winked, then slithered away with her hips swinging seductively this way and that. And Renekton drooled all over himself as his bloodshot eyes moved from side to side, following the movement of her cute little scaly behind. God, he just wanted to grab that gorgeous girl and throw her down onto the floor and -
"Attention, all champions!" Phreak was announcing on a big mega phone. "Please gather round, bans and picks are now starting!"
"All right!" Renekton punched Heimerdinger in the face and rushed over to the rows of chairs so he could sit down, hoping to find a seat by Cassieopeia. But she was sitting with her sister and Swain and Urgot and Sion, so he had to sit down somewhere else.
The only spare chair that was somewhat near Cassiopeia was an empty seat next to Tryndamere and Ashe. So Renekton sat down there, albeit with great reservation, because he currently had something of a feud going with that copycat ****** Tryndamere and his copycat ****** fury bar.
Renekton and Tryndamere sat silently next to each other, stiff and awkward. Ashe finally broke the ice, as she leaned forward to greet Renekton from a seat away. "Hello, Renekton."
"Hi, Queen Ashe." He glanced briefly at Tryndamere. "Tryn."
Tryndamere stiffly nodded back. "Renekton."
Silence for a little while, and then Renekton couldn't help himself. "Nice fury bar you got there over your head."
Tryndamere stiffly smiled. "Thanks."
"Sure..." Renekton was already getting angry again, his fury bar already maxed out at full red above his head. "So, just wondering, why do you have fury anyway? What the **** do you have to be angry about, huh? You're the king of a country, you got a hot wife with a top tier ultimate, you got a new legendary skin, and you saying you got something to be angry about?? Tell me, you copycat wannabe fury system poser, just what the **** do you have to be angry about?? TELL ME!!"
Tryndamere had no answer to that, because he really was a copycat poser unworthy of the fury system. "Well, uh, it does bug me that my right arm is bigger than my left arm."
Renekton blew his top again for the twentieth time today. "Shut up, King of the **** Suckers, you're not worthy of that fury bar, and you know it! Your fury bar is total **** anyways, look how small it is compared to mine! My fury bar is way bigger and longer!"
"No, it's not, you leathery cretin with anger issues!" Tryndamere stood up and drew his sword. "And even if it is, why don't I cut your fury bar down to size! Let's see how you like that!"
Renekton stood up also. "Let's see you try, Queen Tryndamere!"
Morello pranced over to see what the fuss was about. "Do we have a problem here, gentlemen?"
Renekton and Tryndamere immediately sat back down. "No, sir!"
"Good." Morello used his wand to nerf Evelynn one more time, just for the hell of it. "Now stop talking, bans are about to start."
Meanwhile, on the big screen at the front of the room, the first ban had just come in, and it was Orianna, of course. Orianna sighed mechanically from her seat, hanging her head in dejection. "I - never - get - picked. I – am – always – banned. Le – sigh."
Morello was staring ominously at her now, thoughtfully twirling his wand in his hand. “Hmm...”
Meanwhile, Blitzcrank had turned on his Overdrive and he charged towards her, ready to comfort her with his steaming-hot love and passion. "ORIANNA - MY - DEAR - PLEASE - DO - NOT - CRY! HERE - LET - ME - HOLD - YOU - IN - MY - ARMS." Orianna's ball caved his face in. "OW - MY - HEAD."
The next ban was Mordekaiser. The Master of Metal was visibly sad, as he said, "I like my women how I like my music! Heavy and metal!" He brightened up now, though. "Orianna, come here! Let us comfort each other!" Orianna's ball caved his face in. "Ow, my head. Well, there's always Leona and her giant suit of armor, I suppose."
The next ban was Tryndamere, much to everyone's surprise and Renekton's delight. Tryndamere exclaimed, "Wtf! Why am I banned! I'm never banned at high elo!"
Phreak was commentating in the background. "Hmm, looks like a troll ban to me! I guess HotshotGG is one of the summoners for this match?"
The final ban was Brand. Phreak was saying something about that ban, but Renekton wasn't listening because someone was tugging insistently on his arm. The tugging was really annoying, and Renekton turned to yell, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Annie was standing there, sucking her thumb, but now she pulled her thumb out. "Hello, have you seen my bear Tibbers?"
Oh god, not this **** again. He tried to stay calm, as he slowly said, "Look, kid, you ask me this ALL the time, and I always say the same thing! Tibbers, your teddy bear, is under your ****ing arm! Look!"
"Huh?" Annie looked down to her folded arm, where her teddy bear was tucked away underneath it. Then she looked back up at Renekton. "But, have you seen my bear Tibbers?"
"Rearrgh!" Renekton bellowed in fury as he snatched away the bear from her and shook it angrily in front of her face. "LOOK, ANNIE, LOOK! DO YOU SEE TIBBERS? TIBBERS IS HERE! HERE! RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! YES, I HAVE SEEN YOUR BEAR TIBBERS, AND I SEE IT RIGHT HERE! OK???"
One of Tibber's eyes popped out due to the great force with which Renekton was squeezing the teddy bear, and Annie started to cry. "WAAAAAAAAAAH, RENEKTON IS SO MEAN, RENEKTON BROKE TIBBERS! WAAAAAAHHH!"
"Oh god **** it, kid, don't cry!" Renekton became red with embarrassment as he quickly looked around to see all the women, including Cassiopeia, staring at him and shaking their heads in disapproval. "Look, here, stop crying, I can fix your bear's eyes real quick, okay? Hold on!"
He picked up the eye from the ground and tried to stuff it back into the bear's head, but he pushed too hard and the bear's other eye popped out now.
"WAAAAAH! MY TIBBERS!"
Annie cried even harder now, and Renekton was beside himself in panic. "Of all the! ****, kid, stop crying!" He looked around, and snatched a lollipop out of Poppy's hands and gave it to Annie. "Here, do you like lollipop? Mmm, lollipop! Smells like strawberry! Do you like strawberry?"
Annie stopped crying, but she was still sniffling as she took the lollipop from him. "Ooh, lollipop."
"Yes, lollipop! So tasty, huh!" Renekton was glad that she had finally shut up.
"Lollipop!" Annie smiled happily now. "Smells like..."
"Smells like burning!"
Annie giggled as she roasted Renekton's face with a fireball, and the crocodile man blinked in surprise, his head freshly charred and blistered with blood running down his chin. Then his fury bar expanded into a fury cube, as he had the incredible urge to pick up Annie and throw her out the window.
But then he looked around himself again, to see Cassiopeia and all the other women champions watching him closely. So he laughed through grinding teeth, "Haha, you're a funny kid!" And he patted Annie on the head. "That's a good girl!"
All of the women champions nodded in approval, and Renekton sighed as he sat down tiredly in his chair. Annie sat down on his lap, and he was about to shove her off, but then he realized everyone was still watching him. So he grimaced and kept his mouth shut as Annie wiped her sticky fingers all over his burnt and bleeding face...
Phreak announced, "The first pick is in, and it's Annie!"
"Weee! I get to play!" Annie celebrated by slapping Renekton across his sticky face.
"Next picks! Nocturne and Cho Gath!" Nocturne and Cho Gath celebrated by killing Heimerdinger.
"Next picks! Cassiopeia and Gangplank!"
While Gangplank celebrated by shooting Heimerdinger's corpse, Renekton was so excited. "Oh man, Miss Cassie is playing today! I hope I get picked, I hope I get picked, I hope I get picked!"
"Next picks! Soraka and Ezreal!" Soraka celebrated by killing everyone nearby with her super buffed Q.
Only two slots left on Cassiopeia's team! Renekton's bloodshot eyes were squeezed shut as he whispered with crossed fingers, "Please, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me!"
"Ashe and Alistar!" Alistar headbutted Heimerdinger's corpse in celebration, while Ashe and Tryndamere exchanged smiles.
"****!" Renekton screamed in disappointment, while Annie covered her ears. "I can't believe this ****! This **** is ****ing rigged, ****ing hell!"
"And the final pick is... Karthus! Wow, this is so exciting, I love that pick! Combined with Soraka's Q shredding, Karthus is going to do TONS OF DAMAGE!!" Phreak was beside himself, he was so excited in the usual Phreak fashion. "So, there we have it, folks! Here's our line ups! Annie, Cass, Gangplank, Alistar, and Ashe versus Nocturne, Chogath, Soraka, Ezreal, and Karthus!" Phreak stopped to listen to the voice in his headset for a moment. "Wait, what's this? Uh oh, it seems we have a problem here with our beloved child champion Annie..."
Renekton was staring blankly off in the distance, wondering why he was so worthless and pathetic, and wondering how he was ever going to get close to Cassiopeia, while Annie jumped up and down on his lap because Renekton reminded her of a trampoline. Then he looked up to see Xypherous and some other Rioters approaching.
Renekton was too despondent to even be angry, as he said, "What do you want?"
Xypherous said, "Sorry, Renekton, we're here to talk to Annie, not you."
"Figures. I'm nothing but low tier trash."
Annie looked up at Xypherous from Renekton's lap. "Have you seen my bear Tibbers?"
"Actually, Annie, that's what we wanted to talk to you about." Xypherous had a great look of concern on his face. "We have just been informed that your bear Tibbers is currently broken and experiencing technical difficulties. Is this true?"
"What?" Annie looked down at her eyeless teddy bear's mangled face. "Someone broke Tibbers! WAAAAAAH!!!!"
"Sorry, Annie, but until you get Tibbers fixed, your ultimate will not work properly. We are going to have to pull you from the upcoming match."
"Waaaaah! But Annie wants to play! Waaaah!"
Annie started throwing a tantrum, and a grimacing Renekton held her at arm's length as he said, "Yeah, sorry, Xypherous, I accidentally broke her bear. It's kinda my fault."
"God **** it, Renekton! We already have a hard time getting our tournaments to run smoothly, and now we have champions breaking other champions' equipment? Unbelievable!"
"Sorry, man, I didn't know her bear would be so fragile!" Renekton was cowering a little bit, because Morello was watching him from a distance, twirling his wand in one hand, and twirling his tiara in the other. "She can still do a lot of damage without her bear, right? I mean, look at what she did to my face just now! Does it really matter if she has her bear or not?"
"It matters, Renekton. Annie was picked with a certain skillset in mind, and if she doesn't have her complete skillset, her pick will be void. It looks like Annie will have to sit this one out, unfortunately."
Annie was crying softly now, rubbing her reddened eyes nonstop. And Renekton started to panic again, as he felt all eyes on him again. "Wait, why don't you just give her another teddy bear! She can just do the same thing with a different bear, right?" Renekton turned Annie around to face him. "Hey Annie, if I buy you another bear, will it make everything ok?"
Annie screamed at the top of her lungs, "I WANT MY BEAR TIBBERS!!!"
Xypherous winced at the girl's shrieking. "Sorry, Renekton, but no ordinary bear will do. It has to be a magical teddy bear that can sync with Annie's powers, and those are very rare indeed."
"God **** it!" Renekton blew up in frustration now. "What's so special about that ****ing bear, anyway! All it does is grow a lot bigger and cover itself with fire! ****, I do exactly that for my ultimate! It's not a big ****ing deal, there must be another bear nearby who can do that!"
"No, there is no other bear nearby who can do that, but...." Xypherous was staring thoughtfully at Renekton now. "But there IS someone in this room who can do what Tibbers does."
Everyone was looking at Renekton now. And Renekton suddenly realized what Xypherous was driving at.
"Oh, hell no. I am NOT a ****ing teddy bear."
Ten minutes later, Renekton and his teammates were standing at their nexus, getting ready to start the match as the League of Legends lady announcer said, "Welcome to Summoner's Rift!"
Annie was happy again, as she yelled, "YAY, TIBBERS!" And she hugged Renekton at his knees. "I LOVE YOU, TIBBERS!"
Renekton was wearing a purple dress with fake red pigtails hanging from his head, and he screamed at Xypherous, who was making sure the dress fit ok. "WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS PURPLE DRESS! WHY!"
"Today is the debut of Annie's new Reverse Annie skin, and Tibbers is supposed to be dressed like her. Now shut up and let me adjust your shoulder pads."
Renekton looked down at Annie, who was dressed in a full bear body suit. Then he looked at Cassiopeia, who was smiling wide with amusement, and he hastily explained, "I'm only wearing this to make Annie happy, Miss Cassie! it's not like I'm not gay or anything!"
"Don't worry, Renekton, that isss a very good reassson to wear a dressss, in my opinion."
His other teammates, Ashe, Alistar, and Gangplank were trying to hold back laughter. Ashe was trying to be polite about it, but Gangplank didn't give a **** as he shouted, "Arrr, you wanna know why my roger be so jolly?? Because Renekton be wearing a dress, har har har harrr!"
Renekton answered by punching Gangplank in the face, and a huge fight broke out, with gunshots and blade slashes flying all over the place...
Thirty seconds later, the League of Legends lady announcer said, "First blood! Xypherous has been slain."
"Whoa," said Phreak from his commentator's booth. "I think this is the first time a Riot employee has been killed during a League of Legends match! Oh well, let's see what our lanes are. Rivington, any thoughts on what they might be?"
"Well, I'm guessing that Blue Team will be running EU-style lanes, with an AP carry both mid and top. Annie will probably go mid, Cassiopeia top, and Alistar will be with Ashe bot. Purple team will be running more NA-style, with tanky DPS Chogath top, an AP carry mid in Karthus, and Soraka plus Ezreal bot. And of course, Gangplank and Nocturne will be jungling for their respective teams."
"Hmm, that makes sense, but.... hold on, if I'm not mistaken, Blue Team is having more in-fighting amongst themselves! Let's listen in, shall we?"
Blue Team was currently gathered around in the bushes by their blue buff, and they were arguing among themselves. Ashe was exclaiming, "Alistar, what do you mean, you're going AP? We need you to go tank!"
Alistar shook his head solemnly. "I know the way."
A bloodied and bruised Gangplank was already drinking a health potion, due to his scrap with Renekton moments earlier. "Arrr, ya stupid cow! Yer days of being a viable AP carry are over! Stop living in the past, ya hoofed landlubber!"
Alistar glowered at Gangplank. "Mess with the bull, and you get the horns!"
"Cursesss! Minions have ssspawned already." Cassiopeia started heading top. "Leash blue for GP, and everyone go to your lanesss! And Alissstar, please don't be silly!"
A bloodied and bruised Renekton stood awkwardly in his dress. "Hey, uh, where do I go?"
"Oh, Renekton, be a darling and wait at our nexusss, will you? Don't worry, when Annie hitsss level 6, she will be sssummoning you quite often."
"Ok, Miss Cassie." Renekton headed back to the nexus, wondering if the nexus's store had any Diet Cherry Coke...
All of the champions were wearing wireless headsets so that they could communicate via Ventrilo, and voice chat was extremely lively early on. Most of the chatter was from bot lane, where Ashe was getting pissed off at Alistar.
“Alistar, what are you - stop stealing my creeps, you butthead, and head butt Ezreal off of me!”
“Arrr, ya stupid limey cow, yar the support, not the carry!”
“I know the way.”
“Oh my god, I can't believe this – Alistar, your items!!”
“What is Alisssstar ssstarting with?”
“He has an amplifying tome and a health pot! Alistar, are you trolling us??”
“I love you, Tibbers!” That was Annie.
“FOR THE LAST TIME, ALISTAR, STOP COMPETING WITH ME FOR CS!”
“Mess with the bull, and you get the hands!”
“What do you mean by hands – wait, Alistar, get away from me! Why are you running at me with your hands outstretched like that WHERE ARE YOU TOUCHING ME!”
“I can't milk those?”
“THAT DOES IT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS ****TY TROLL ALISTAR. DIE, YOU PERVERT!”
Twenty seconds later, the League of Legends lady announcer shouted, “An ally has been slain... team kill!”
Phreak commented, “So it looks like Ashe has killed her teammate Alistar two minutes into the game. That isn't something you see everyday.”
“I've seen this before, it's a bug in the game,” Rivington said. “When a male champion molests a female teammate, she gains the ability to attack him. And she also becomes immune to Shaco's Jack in the Boxes for the rest of the match.”
“Oh, so it's another Shaco bug.” Phreak then shouted, “Uh oh, what's this? Did Alistar just rage quit??”
And indeed, big red words appeared in the sky above everyone's heads: “Alistar has left the game.”
Ashe shouted into Ventrilo, “I HATE TROLLS SOOOO MUCH! STUPID ALISTAR!” Her voice was filled with despair, “God, now what do I do?? I'm alone versus Soraka and Ezreal down here! They are going to destroy me!”
“Yarrr, I'll try to gank for ya, my lassie, but I think we got a bigger problem. We have no tank anymore, yarrr! I can try to go Atmogs, yarrr, but still, I'm not an ideal tank! Shiver me timbers, I think we are totally ****ed!”
“Oh dear, thiss iss a total dissasster! For now, Ashe, darling, pleasse try to hug turret and do not feed!”
“I'm trying my best, Cassie! Gangplank, please help me! I can't even get close to the minions anymore, Soraka and Ezreal are zoning me out!”
Listening to the frantic voice chatter, Renekton restlessly paced back and forth at the nexus, waiting for Annie to hit level 6. But then Cassiopeia's desperate cries for help filled the Ventrilo channel, and he froze, anxiously holding his breath!
“Nocturne isss on me! I need assissstance – eeek!”
Renekton shouted, “MISS CASSIE! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT! SPEAK TO ME, ARE YOU OK??”
“I'm... I'm ok for now, but I had to use my flash... I'm going back to basse....”
Ashe groaned, “4v5 is so stupid – **** it, I just had to use my flash, too... going back to base...”
Cassiopeia and Ashe appeared back at base, badly bloodied and bruised. And Renekton rushed to Cassiopeia's side with a first aid kit in his hands. “Miss Cassie! God ****, I am so glad you are ok! ****ing Nocturne, I hate that piece of **** ******, I'll rip his head off! And Chogath, he ain't so big! I'll ****ing crush him into a voidling pancake with my two fists!”
Cassiopeia smiled sadly. “Thank you for your concern, Renekton, but I fear that thiss match iss already losst.”
Ashe was also despondent, as she gloomily hung her head. “Yeah, I don't see how we can win this one. Winning 4v5 is just too much to ask...”
The room became silent, as Renekton's heart burned in painful agony. He could not bear to see Miss Cassiopeia so unhappy! Her smile was the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world, and sadness on her face was so unbecoming! If only he could do something about this... but wait, maybe he could!
Renekton then threw aside his empty can of Diet Cherry Coke and yelled, “No, Queen Ashe, you are wrong! It is not 4v5! I am here, and I will make it 5v5!”
Ashe and Cassiopeia looked at each other in confusion. “Well, that's true, but...” Ashe wondered out loud. “Will a Riot employee allow us to change champions mid game?”
Xypherous's weak voice floated up from the ground: “Yes... I will... allow it...”
“Xypherous!” Renekton dropped onto his knees by the fallen champion designer and held his bloodied trembling hands. “You're still alive!”
“Not for... much longer, but... Renekton... I want to tell you something... before I go... respawn in heaven...”
“What is it!”
“I know you think.... you are underpowered... and you are never... used in tournaments... but you have always been.... my favorite champion design... cough cough!”
Renekton's bloodshot eyes were welling up in tears, as Xypherous's voice became weaker and weaker. “Renekton... in my fanny pack... there is a box labeled 'For Renekton'... it is for you...”
The croc man quickly opened the fanny pack to find a small gift-wrapped box. “What is this!”
“Inside is... the secret... to your strength... it is... my final gift to you...” Xypherous let out one last cough. “Farewell...”
Xypherous's head slumped to the side, and Renekton bowed his head in a moment of silence. Then he jumped up in joy and yelled as he held the box above his head, “Oh boy, I got a power up! Look, guys, I got a power up, this is so exciting!”
Cassiopeia and Ashe were also excited, mostly because Renekton was now officially the fifth member of their team. Cassiopeia said, “Quickly, Renekton, open it! We have not a moment to wassste!”
Renekton ripped open the box to pull out a little beauty mirror. And he yelled in confusion as he stared at his reflection, “What the hell is this! It's just a ****ing mirror! Don't tell me I just got trolled by a ****ing dead man!”
Ashe said, “Renekton, I don't think he was trolling you. I think Xypherous meant that you have always had the strength inside you. You just need to believe in yourself.”
“Oh, I get it. It's like that one secret scroll from the movie Kung Fu Panda.” Renekton threw the mirror aside. “No! **** that! I am never used in tournaments! I am underpowered and I need buffs! Nobody believes in me, why should I believe in myself!”
Cassiopeia placed a hand on his trembling shoulder. “You are wrong, Renekton. I believe in you.”
“Yes.” Ashe solemnly nodded, as she placed a hand on his other shoulder. “As do I. You can do this, Renekton.”
Now that he was being touched by two hot chicks, Renekton felt a little better about himself. “Ok, I'll try my best. I won't let you down!”
Gangplank's voice crackled over Ventrilo, “Good to hear, ya scaly varmint! I'll give ya my Wriggle's so you can become tha jungler, and I'll rotate to bot lane as support for Ashe! Yarr, support GP, new meta!”
“Tibbers is the strongest and the bestest! I believe in you, Tibbers!”
Renekton's eyes started tearing up a bit at the support from his teammates. “Thanks guys!”
The League of Legends lady announcer said, “Renekton has entered the game!”, and Phreak shouted, “What's this! Renekton has replaced Alistar as the fifth member of blue team! This is unprecedented, I'm so excited, I can't wait to see what happens!”
Rivington said, “Indeed, but I'm afraid this still doesn't solve blue team's problem. They still don't have a true tank. They have great initiation with Ashe's Arrow and Annie's Tibbers, er, Renekton, er, Tibbers... but still, Blue Team was counting on Alistar to be that tank who can go in there, soak up damage, and save his squishies. And Renekton, although he is good at soaking up damage, he has only one single-target stun on a high cooldown, and that just won't cut it when you're trying to stop a diving Nocturne, Karthus, and Cho Gath from getting to your squishies.”
“Oh, so true, so true, and with GP now in a support role, it will be impossible for him to farm up an Atmogs, so Renekton will be the only one with significant HP items... it will be very interesting to see how Renekton deals with this problem...”
Jungling Renekton was thinking the same exact thing while he beat the **** out of Red Lizard for its buff. “**** it, I can't let anyone harm Miss Cassie! Those turds Nocturne, Cho Gath, and Karthus will definitely be diving her and silencing her and fearing her and trying to kill her first! How can I stop all of them at the same time! ****, I need more CC! What do!”
Several minutes later, Phreak was checking in on Renekton, who was back at his nexus, browsing through the store's goods. “Looks like Renekton is about to make his next purchase! Let's take a look at his current items, shall we! Tier 1 boots, Wriggle's, and a Giant's Belt. Looks like he's rushing that usual Warmogs, isn't he?”
“It sure looks like it,” Rivington agreed. “He has over 1k gold to spend, so I expect he'll be buying a health crystal and regrowth pendant, but... you know, Phreak, he's just been standing there for the past half minute, doing nothing but stare at the store's items...”
“Hmm. Good point.” Phreak frowned as he stared at Renekton's inventory again. “Perhaps he is wondering if he should go Frozen Mallet instead?”
Meanwhile, Renekton was holding his head in dismay, as he thought to himself, “I could go Frozen Mallet, but still, it's not AOE CC! It's still single target! Son of a *****!” He then had an idea. “Wait, Nocturne and Cho Gath are both melee! And it's Tiamat Tuesday! Does Tiamat's AOE proc on-hit effects?” He quickly read the tooltip, and then cursed, “****! No, it doesn't! God **** it, I bought this stupid Giant's Belt out of habit, but now what do I do with this **** thing!”
And then suddenly, it was all clear to Renekton what he must buy. And he became at peace with himself, as he prepared to make his official transition from tanky DPS to full-fledged tank...
Rivington watched Renekton make his purchase, and he exclaimed, “A blasting wand! Phreak, did Renekton just buy a blasting wand, or is it a graphical glitch on my end?”
Phreak was also confused. “I don't think it's a glitch, I also see the blasting wand on my screen.” He suddenly gasped loudly as he placed a hand over my mouth. “Oh my god, he's going Rylai's! Renekton is going Rylai's, Rivington, I can't believe this, I'm so excited!”
“Rylai's Scepter! But that's an AP item, and Renekton's damage absolutely does not scale off AP, if I recall correctly, other than a miniscule ratio on his ultimate.”
“Yes, yes, but oh my god, I know what he's thinking! This could work, it can definitely work! Champions get Rylai's for its slow effect on spell casts, and Renekton is definitely an AD caster with massive AOE presence! With his ultimate, his Q, and his E, enemies around him will be slowed down to a crawl, and it will make it so hard for the entire enemy team to get to his squishies! Wait, it looks like blue team just got bottom tower, that's 150 gold, so Renekton can now afford to finish his Rylai's – oh my god, blue team is trying to get back to their tower, but purple team is converging on them! They've cut them off, they can't get back – Gangplank got caught! He ate an orange to get rid of Nocturne's fear, but now he's in Karthus's wall, and he is going down fast, this is looking bad for blue team - wait, here comes Annie from mid! And her ult is up, oh my god this will be close, can she save them??”
Annie screamed as she thrust a finger forward at the writhing dogpile of enemy minions and enemy champions currently beating up her teammates: “GO GET THEM, TIBBERS!”
Renekton dropped down from the sky and landed onto the dogpile, as he turned on his ultimate and roared, “HRRRGNRBBRLLT!”
He was belching bloody red flame and fury out of his jaws and armpits, his purple dress and red pigtails billowing in terrible gusts of howling wind. And he bellowed with his bloodshot eyes bleeding angry tears and his fury bar as bright as the burning sun: “GET OFF MY WOMAN, OR DIE!”
Spurred onwards by a strength he did not know he possessed, he waded into the dogpile and started to throw purple caster minions aside left and right until he found the enemy champions. “GET OFF HER, YOU ****ERS, I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND EAT YOUR HEARTS AND PISS INTO YOUR CHEST CAVITIES AFTERWARDS!”
Nocturne, Karthus, and Ezreal had never seen Renekton so angry before, and it terrified the bejeezus out of them. Karthus was the first one to die, getting his head chopped off instantly by Renekton's W. Ghost-form Karthus tried to spam his Q and E while Renekton stood next to him, but Renekton didn't give a **** that he was standing inside Karthus's circle, as he then grabbed Ezreal and broke his arms and punted him across the river.
Nocturne would have wet his pants by now if he had pants (or legs, for that matter), and he tried to flee, but he was slowed by Renekton's Rylai-enhanced ultimate, and Renekton turned around to grab Nocturne by the neck and punch him repeatedly in the liver.
“NEVER DIVE ON MY WOMAN AGAIN, YOU LITTLE PISS ANT! I WILL BE THE ONE TO DIVE ON HER, NOT YOU. HURR HURR, I WANT TO DIVE ON HER SO BAD! WAIT, I'M THINKING OUT LOUD NOW, AREN'T I?”
Renekton then broke Nocturne's back into several pieces and tossed him aside, and he started to pull away more purple caster minions from the dogpile. “Miss Cassie, are you all right! I beat up the bad guys, it's okay now! Speak to me, Miss Cassie, talk to me!”
He threw aside the last purple caster minion, and he frowned in confusion to find a battered and bloody Ashe curled up in a defensive ball that would have made Rammus proud. “What? Where's Miss Cassie! Oh my god, did she get killed already!”
Ashe unshielded her face to look up at him. “What are you talking about! It was me and Gangplank who got the tower, not her! Pay attention to the mini map, you noob!”
“Oh.” Renekton stood awkwardly as the flames around his purple dress died away. “Whoops.”
“Tibbers, you beat them up good! You're the best!” Annie jumped onto Renekton's back and hugged him around the neck. “I love you, Tibbers!”
Renekton helped Ashe to her feet. “Well, uh, good job then, Ashe.”
“Thank you.” Ashe gingerly felt her ribs to make sure nothing was broken. “And thank you, Renekton, for saving me.” She started to blush a little bit now. “I have to admit, I've never had a tank peel enemies off me with such... such passion.”
“Yeah, well, no problem! We needed a tank today, right, so I'm gonna tank!”
Cassiopeia then slithered in. “Sssorry, everyone, I'm late, I wasss getting blue buff, and wait, isss it already over?”
Ashe and Annie frowned at the tardy snake lady, but Renekton grinned and said, “It's ok, Miss Cassie, everything's fine! We won the team fight, and we are way ahead in gold now!”
“Oh, that isss ssso wonderful to hear!” Cassiopeia purred as she noticed the Rylai's Scepter which Renekton was holding in his left hand. “Oooh, you got a Rylai's, Renekton! How intriguing!”
“Hyuk hyuk, yeah, I thought it would be a good idea, you know, AOE slow all day, and stuff, hyuk hyuk!”
Several minutes later, there was another huge team fight at Baron this time, and Phreak was screaming his lungs out as sweat poured down his red face. “Oh my god, they're gonna fight, and it's a great arrow from Ashe! Karthus is stunned, everyone else around him is slowed! Gangplank has dropped his ult, and Annie flashed in with Tibbernekton – oh my god, Ezreal and Nocturne flashed out of Tibbernekton, but now Noc is ulting back in onto Cassiopeia! Cho Gath is still not going down, and he's flashing onto Ashe to combo her oh my god Cassiopeia flashed away, but Ashe is silenced and trying her best to kite, and Nocturne and Cho Gath are pursuing, but WAIT, Renekton used his E to catch up to them, and he is standing next to them with his ultimate on and beating their faces in!! They can't catch Ashe or Cass, they're being slowed, Soraka silenced Renekton, but it doesn't matter, his ultimate is already on, it's slowing everything in sight! And Ezreal is firing skillshots like crazy at Cass, but Renekton is in the way, and now Nocturne is dead! Cho Gath is going down, he's dead! Soraka flashes away from Gangplank, Karthus is dead, Ezreal blinks away with 100 hit points, he and Soraka are going back to base, blue team wins the fight in emphatic fashion, Rylais Renekton is working, folks, it's working, purple team burned their flashes and everything to get to Ashe and Cassiopeia, but they simply could not catch them, I can't believe this, Rylais Renekton is so freaking awesome, this is the true power of love, ladies and gentleman!!!”
Phreak was crying now, he was so overcome with emotion. Then he collapsed due to a stroke, and for a moment, shoutcasting was put on hold. Then Zenon came in to replace him, and he introduced himself, “Hi, I'm a European guy named Zenon, I am in love with Shushei, and Fnatic is the best team in the world. Back to you, Rivington!”
Rivington replied, “Err, ok. Well, it looks that Baron fight will be the last one for the day, as the surrender votes are coming in! Purple team has surrendered, Blue team has won, and Nocturne is typing something into all chat.”
Zenon read out loud for the viewers' benefit. “Nocturne is typing 'Rylais Renekton OP, nerf plz'. Hah! Well, I must say, Renekton with Rylais and Frozen Mallet proved to be surprisingly effective, but let me tell you, I've seen Shushei's Gragas with Ryali's and Rabadon's, and it is simply incredible...”
Meanwhile, back at blue team's base, the victorious champions were celebrating with a toast, each person holding up a big mug of Gangplank's favorite rum. Except for Annie. Because she was underage, she had chocolate milk instead.
Gangplank shouted, “Howrr about a toast to our frrriendly reptilian rager, Renekton! We couldn't have done it without yar tanking, me lad!”
“Yesss, to Renekton!” Cassiopeia threw a flirty smile at him. “You were sssuch a man out there today, it was very impressssive.”
Ashe was also smiling. “I agree, I've never seen anyone embrace tanking with such fervor and zeal before! You were wonderful, Renekton!”
“I knew Tibbers could do it! Tibbers can do anything, because he's the best! I love you, Tibbers!”
“Hyuk hyuk, thanks guys.” With a goofy grin, Renekton picked up the mirror he had thrown away earlier. “You were right, Xypherous, thank you! I've had it in me all along! I believe in myself now! I am top tier!”
Half an hour later, everyone was getting ready to go home. GG's had been sent out, and all ten participants had reported Alistar for leaving. Renekton was waiting outside and feeling very confident now. The time was right to ask Cassiopeia out on a date! He just knew it!
Cassiopeia exited the building to find him standing next to his red moped, and she smiled as she waved. “Hello there, Renekton. Going sssomewhere tonight?”
“Well, I dunno, it depends!” Renekton's anxious heart was pounding as he coughed to buy himself some time. “Hey, Miss Cassie, I was wondering... you doing anything tonight yourself? I was thinking, um, maybe we could go grab a bite to eat somewhere, or something?”
“Oh, not tonight, I'm ssso sssorry. I am going out on a date tonight with a Noxsssian nobleman.”
Renekton's smile vanished, as his world turned upside down in an instant. “A date? With a nobleman?”
“Yesss, Renekton, I am sssorry, I am dating someone already.”
“Oh. I didn't know. I mean, I thought...”
Cassiopeia looked apologetic. “I am sssorry if I led you to think otherwise, Renekton, but Noxsssian royalty only date other members of royalty. Did you not know that?”
Renekton really wished he had a stealth skill, so he could just vanish from sight and crawl away in shame. “I did not know that, Miss Cassie. I, um, good night, I guess. And have fun.”
“You have a good night too, Renekton. It wasss a pleasure fighting alongssside you today.”
Cassiopeia slithered away, accompanied by her bodyguards Urgot and Sion. And Renekton sat onto his moped, put his head down onto his arms, and started to cry.
He cried hard and loud, not caring who heard or saw. Even when Amumu walked past him, Amumu couldn't help but think to himself, “****, poor fellow.”
Renekton then heard his smartphone go off, and he stopped crying for a moment to check his messages. And he sniffled as he managed to make out through his blurry vision: “A message from... Miss Fortune?”
He scratched his head, puzzled, as he opened up the message and read out loud: “Hi there, big guy, watched the live stream, loved your tanking! Wondering if you'd like to tank for me from now on, come by Bilgewater this weekend, let's talk! I'll give you a private tour of my ship, too, wink wink XOXO, Miss Fortune.”
There was an attached picture, and he opened it to get an eyeful of Miss Fortune's bountiful cleavage, as she was bending over in front of a mirror with her cell phone cam and blowing a kiss.
“Holy moly!” He wiped his eyes dry, and took a better look at the picture. “Good god!”
Ok, he was feeling a lot better now, as he stared some more at the picture. Then his phone beeped again. Another message from... Caitlyn, the Sheriff of Piltover?
He opened the message to read out loud: “Hello, Mr. Renekton, I witnessed your tanking earlier today, and I liked what I saw. Perhaps we could reach an agreement where you can tank for me on a semi-permanent basis? In exchange, I am willing to negotiate on your behalf with the proper authorities about your previous transgressions with the law, and hopefully we can reach a deal that does not include prison time. Please contact me as soon as possible if you are interested in my proposal. Thank you, and sincerely, Caitlyn of Piltover. P.S. If that skank Miss Fortune is sending you naughty pictures of herself, please do not consider her offer over mine. Unlike me, she is quite the unprofessional. P.P.S. But if you are into that sort of thing, I can send you a picture of my legs in silk stockings, if you want. P.P.P.S. I also have a pair of fuzzy cuffs at home.”
Renekton blinked, then sat up straight on his moped. This was new. Hot women wanting to spend time with him?
His phone then beeped yet again, and he read out loud the latest message: “Greetings, Renekton. I was greatly impressed by your timely initiations and tanking prowess today, and we here at Noxus hold such men in high regard. We would be honored if you joined us in our quest to rid this world of the Demacian scourge. Should you join us, you will be handsomely compensated during your stay here. Please contact me as soon as possible to negotiate terms and conditions. Sincerely, Katarina Du Couteau. P.S. Sorry about my sister, she is something of a cocktease. P.P.S. Please do not consider any potential offers from squishy female AD carries. They are immoral ****s who are not worthy of your time. And no, I am not being catty. It's not as if I am some excessively violent and supremely arrogant ***** who is incredibly sexually frustrated at the moment. P.P.P.S. Should you join us, would you like to do some blade training together in private?”
Renekton was no longer feeling bad. As a matter of fact, he was feeling pretty darned awesome right now, as he started to look up the prices of plane tickets to Noxus, Bilgewater, and Piltover on his phone. But then his phone beeped yet again!
“Hi Renekton, this is Leona of the Solari. Please don't become a viable option at tank. I am already rarely picked in ranked games, and it is very depressing Sincerely, Leona, the Radiant Dawn.”
Poor Leona, Renekton thought to himself. He could relate to her self-confidence issues, for sure... and yet another cell phone beep!
“Howdy there, partner! Corki here - ”
Another message now arrived from the email address firstname.lastname@example.org, but Renekton heard someone calling his name from behind, and he turned around to see Ashe waving to him.
“Hi Renekton, how are you doing?”
“Hey Queen Ashe, I'm doing pretty good! I've been getting a lot of messages just now from all these carries who want me to tank for them! It's pretty cool, actually, I didn't know tanking was so attractive to so many people!”
“Oh really? That's interesting...” Ashe paused. “I suppose Miss Fortune and Caitlyn have been asking if you're available to tank?”
“Oh yeah, they were the first ones to send me messages, hue hue hue. And Katarina seems really interested in me, too, in a way. I'm not sure who I want to tank for, though, they are all so freaking hot – I mean, uh, they are all so, uh, virtuous and admirable! I can't make up my mind!”
Ashe seemed visibly alarmed by his words, for some reason, and she shifted anxiously as she asked, “Oh, that's nice... say, Renekton, are you doing anything tonight?”
“I was going to ask Miss Cassie out on a date, but she turned me down.” Renekton became sad again. “So, no, I don't have any plans for tonight.”
“Well, the season premiere of Runeterra's Got Talent is tonight, and I was planning on watching it... are you a fan of the show?”
Renekton yelled, “Am I a fan? That's my favorite show ever! Wow, I didn't know the season premiere was tonight!”
Ashe smiled happily. “Well, it is tonight, and if you don't have any plans, maybe you could come over to my castle and watch it with me?”
Renekton scowled. “Thanks, but no thanks. Nothing against you, but your husband is a ******bag, and I always lose my temper whenever I'm around him.”
“Oh, um, he won't be home tonight.” She seemed embarrassed now. “He's gone off to wage war with some rival barbarian tribe, as usual, so um... yeah...”
Renekton's Lonely Housewife Radar went off, as he suddenly realized what was going on here. Of course, how could he forget? Ashe was a squishy AD ranged carry, and he was a beefy fearless swashbuckling tank! How could she not find him attractive! Especially when her husband was some loser copycat ******bag like Tryndamere!
“I'll be over at 9 o'clock,” he told her.
“Great!” She was smiling a little flirty now. “See you at 9. Bye, Renekton.”
“See you later.” Renekton watched her walk off, as he thought to himself, “This could be an interesting night.”
Several hours later, Renekton and Ashe were sitting on a big sofa in her castle's entertainment room, and the atmosphere was surprisingly comfortable as they watched their favorite show Runeterra's Got Talent.
The television blared, “So, our next contestant is none other than the infamous Veigar, the Master of Evil! How are you doing, Master Veigar, and what will you be performing for the judges tonight?”
Veigar shrieked in his shrill voice, “I'm doing great, thanks for asking! And tonight, for the judges and the audience, I will be sawing Teemo in half!”
The crowd applauded as the curtains pulled away to reveal a bound and gagged Teemo lying on a large wooden table. And the show's host asked, “I look forward to your performance, Master Veigar, but I have a question! For this type of magic trick, shouldn't your assistant's body be inside a large box?”
“Magic? Who said anything about magic!” Veigar cackled as he started up a giant chainsaw and ran towards the frantically squirming Teemo. “I'm just gonna saw him in half on live television, hee hee hee hee!”
Chaos ensued as several stagehands struggled to stop Veigar from committing a brutal homicide on primetime television. And Renekton shouted in glee, “This show never fails to deliver! Get him, Veigar, get him!”
“Yes,” Ashe shouted. “Get him! God, I hate that little pipsqueak, he's so annoying! He always blinds me in team fights, and he's always trying to bait you into those **** shrooms of his! And the way he wiggles his hips when he's telling you about his scout's code? So disgusting!”
The two sat on the edge of their seats, waiting breathlessly as the mobbed Veigar threw his chainsaw across the stage in a last-ditch effort to kill Teemo, but the chainsaw barely missed, much to Renekton's and Ashe's disappointment. And the show then abruptly cut to commercial.
“Aww.” Renekton slouched into the sofa. “Teemo lived.”
“Well, at least Veigar tried his best.” Ashe sighed, then perked up. “So, what's your favorite performance so far?”
Renekton thought for a moment. “Well, I was impressed by Garen spinning in one place for twenty minutes nonstop. I have to be honest, I didn't think that was humanly possible.”
“True, it was pretty impressive. But he did throw up afterward, so you got to dock points for that.” Ashe thought also. “I think Malzahar and his Amazing Voidling Circus was the most entertaining act. It was so cute when his Voidlings did their flying trapeze act!”
“Oh yeah, and when they fired that one Voidling out of a cannon and into the audience? Absolute hilarity!”
They laughed together, but then quieted down when the show came back on. Veigar was nowhere to be seen, as the host announced, “Welcome back, everyone, and please, rest assured, Teemo is safe and sound!” Renekton and Ashe groaned in dismay. “And for our next act is Nidalee, the Bestial Huntress, who will be showing off her pole dancing skills!”
“Whoa.” Renekton's eyes bugged out as Nidalee bounced onto the stage in her French Maid outfit, waving hi to everyone. “I've never seen her dressed like that before.”
Ashe carefully asked, “Are you... are you into that French Maid thing?”
“Not really, but still. Whoa!” Renekton shook himself out of it. “I have to admit, it's pretty sexy when girls dress up in costumes and stuff.”
“What's your favorite costume, if you don't mind me asking?”
He immediately replied, “Anything leather. It's so sexy when a girl is wearing leather! Quality leather reminds me so much of a beautiful leathery reptilian hide...” He sighed. “Like what Miss Cassie's got going on for her lower body. Very attractive, imo.”
“Oh, I see. I guess it makes sense that you would find her attractive.” Ashe seemed a little dismayed. “You are a crocodile man, and she is a snake woman, after all.”
Renekton sensed a faint air of disapproval from her. “You don't like Miss Cassie?”
“Well, I don't hate her or anything, but she is definitely one of those girls who love to string men along for the fun of it... I hope she didn't hurt you too much earlier today.”
“Ah, well, it's ok. I only cried a little bit.”
“You cried? Awww!” Ashe rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. “I hope you feel better now.”
He was feeling really good now, hue hue hue. “Ah, don't worry, they were only crocodile tears after all. Get it? Crocodile tears! Har har har!”
“Oh my god, that was so bad! Stop it!”
But she was laughing anyway, and Renekton laughed a bit too before he asked, “Hey, I got to ask, how did you end up with Tryndamere anyway? You seem like a cool chick, while he is this total ******bag jerk. I just don't get it.”
“Oh. Well.” Ashe stopped laughing, as she became somewhat sad now. “Our marriage was purely a political move. A gesture to demonstrate the alliance between his tribe and my tribe.”
“An arranged marriage? That totally sucks!”
“Yes, well, it was either that, or possibly go to war with his barbarian tribe in the near future... it isn't as bad as you think. Even though he's rough around the edges, he's not that bad of a person.” Ashe sighed sadly. “But....”
“I don't know, it's just that...” She was flustered now. “I just feel like he will never truly understand me, and he will never understand what my needs are. Whenever we fight on the same team, he is always dashing off to fight 1v5, and he's always leaving me behind alone and unprotected! I'm not like him, I don't have an escape mechanism, I don't have an invincibility ultimate like he does, I don't have innate sustain! I've talked to him many times about this, but he always says that I just need to get more attack speed and life steal, and I'll be fine!”
She held her face in her hands and started to sob. “I just feel so unhappy, Renekton! I feel so trapped! I am destined to live the rest of my life with another squishy AD carry, but that's not what I want! What I really want is...”
“Ssshhh, don't cry.” Renekton reached out to lift her head from her hands. “I know what you want, baby.”
Her eyes wet and large, she looked up hopefully at him. “All I want is a big... strong... man... with crowd control...”
Her voice dropped to a whisper, and they scooted towards each other on the sofa, their faces getting closer and closer. “I want a man who will... turn around instantly... and stop any assassin... who dives on me...”
“I can do that,” he whispered back. “Heck, I did that earlier today for ya, babe.”
She smiled. “I know, Renekton.” She became embarrassed again. “I have something to confess. When you were killing Karthus, Nocturne, and Ezreal at bottom tower, and you were screaming at them to get off your woman.... for a moment, I wished that you were talking about me, not Cassiopeia. Does that sound silly to you?”
“Of course not. It's never silly for an AD ranged carry to wish for a good tank.”
Their faces were very close now, as she whispered urgently, “My husband... he doesn't understand my needs... he can never make me truly happy... but Renekton, you... you understand, right?”
He whispered back, “I'll tank for ya, Ashe babe. I could go 0/10/37 in a game, and I would not give a ****, so long as you survived every gank and every team fight. I could have the lowest damage dealt in the game, and I would not give a ****, so long as you are fed and farmed up the ass with full items. I could have every kill stolen by you, and I would not give a ****, because after all, babe, you are my carry.”
Ashe could not help but gasp, taken aback for a moment by his gallant words. Then she breathlessly whispered, “Renekton, that was... that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me...”
She closed her eyes, he closed his eyes, and they smooched. And she was surprised at how good of a kisser he was, considering that he had a snout, and she didn't. When the smooch was over, she opened her eyes and smiled coyly now.
“Wait here. Let me slip into something more comfortable.”
She quickly headed for her bedroom, and Renekton clapped his hands in glee like a mentally handicapped man, wondering what she was going to dress up as. Let it be leather, he said to himself. Please let it be leather.
She walked back in a minute later, and Renekton's eyes exploded out of their sockets. Ashe was dressed in a black leather jacket, black leather thigh-high boots, and nothing else.
He yelled, “Good god, so **** sexy!” Then he fainted dead away, unable to handle the sexy visual overload. As he pitched forward onto his face with blood gushing from his nose and ears, the League of Legends lady announcer shouted, “Renekton has been slain!”
He came to a moment later to find his head resting on Ashe's lap as she worriedly fanned air onto his face. “Whoa.” He groaned. “What happened?”
“You passed out and bled all over the place,” she told him. “I'm sorry, maybe I should have warned you in advance what I was going to wear.”
“It's ok, babe. I didn't need that pint of blood anyway!” He promptly stood back up. “Trust me, I feel great now, hue hue hue!”
She sighed in relief, then smiled as she showed off her jacket and boots. “So, do you like?”
“Take off the jacket, babe.”
“Oh? Well, um, okay...”
“But leave the boots on. And get over here.”
Early next morning, Renekton was in a bright red bathrobe and standing on top of the highest tower of Ashe's castle, smoking a cigar as he looked out over the balcony. Ashe came out to join him, holding a long trailing bedsheet to her body as she snuggled up to his chest, and purred.
“Mmm, good morning, my king.”
“Good morning, babe.” Renekton looked down at her. “You sleep all right?”
“I slept very well,” she purred into his chest. “What shall we do today, my king? Should we declare war on Tryndamere's barbarian tribe? Or should I file for divorce first?”
“Declare war,” Renekton immediately said. “Better to end things quickly.”
“Mmmm, I agree...” She then squinted at the horizon. “What's that down yonder?”
“Ahah!” Renekton laughed at the sight of Tryndamere and his ten thousand barbarian tribesmen heading towards the castle, and it wasn't long before Tryndamere and his men came to a stop in front of the tall stone walls.
Tryndamere shouted up to the castle, “Honey, I'm home! We won our battle last night, and we wanna celebrate! Open the door and get me 10,000 cold beers for me and my men!”
Renekton shouted down from the tower, “Sorry, Tryn, but I already drank all your beer last night!”
“Renekton!” Tryndamere shouted in shock. “What are you doing here!” Then he saw Ashe, next to Renekton and wearing nothing but a bedsheet, and he screamed, “WTF! You *****, what you have been doing while I was away! This marriage is over!”
Ashe shouted, “**** right it's over!” And she threw down a briefcase filled with divorce paperwork. “I'm leaving you for Renekton, Tryndamere! He makes me happy, and you don't. Simple as that!”
“This means war, you treacherous tramp!” Tryndamere shook an angry fist at Renekton. “And as for you! After I kill you, I will make a new pair of boots out of your skin!”
“Bring it, you copycat poser! I can't wait to meet you out in the battlefield and show you who the true master of fury is! I'll beat yer face in, and.... wait...”
Renekton trailed off, as he looked over the barbarian horde standing behind Tryndamere. And much to his shock and chagrin, every single barbarian had a red fury bar over his head. Every single last one of them. Ten thousand and one copycat fury bars down below, taunting him endlessly with their very presence...
Renekton's fury bar turned into a fury cube. Then he got even angrier, and it burst into a fury dodecahedron, as he roared at the top of his lungs, “WTF, ALL OF YOU HAVE FURY BARS?? I DON'T ****ING BELIEVE THIS!”
Renekton gnashed his teeth and grabbed his weapon so he could go out there and fight them all, but Ashe clung to him as she shouted, “No, my king, please don't go out there now! Wait until nightfall, my tribe will be here by then to assist us!”
“Sorry babe, but there are some fights you gotta fight for yourself, and this is one of them! Besides, there's only 10,000 of them!”
Ashe was terrified that she was about to lose the love of her life already, but then she said, “If you're going out there, then at least let me join you! Together, we can do it!”
“Then hurry up and get dressed, babe!” Renekton gave her a quick smooch, and then jumped off the tower to land in front of Tryndamere and his 10,000 men. “Time to settle this once and for all, Queen Tryndamere!”
“You filthy animal! Not only do you steal my wife and my beer, but you're also wearing my favorite bathrobe! Take it off right now, and prepare to meet your maker!”
“Ahaha! You know what my favorite saying is, right?”
“What, you dastardly fiend!?”
“As I live, ALL WILL DIE!”
Ten minutes later, Renekton was standing tall on top of a pile of 10,001 bodies, still wearing the bathrobe, smoking another cigar, and cleaning his blade. Ashe was clinging to his arm, half dressed and whispering into his ear, “Oh, my king...” And the rosy pink morning sun shone softly behind them, the visual very much like the cover of a fluffy romance novel.
And Renekton said to you, the reader: “It's good to be the tank.”
TLDR – Rylai's Renekton gets all the ladies.
© 2014 Riot Games, Inc. All rights reserved. Riot Games, League of Legends and PvP.net are trademarks, services marks, or registered trademarks of Riot Games, Inc.