Aengus's father was once General Boaram Darkwill's personal soldier, and Aengus's ancestors has served and helped General Darkwill for many centuries. General Darkwill commanded Aengus's father Vergil to be a spy in Demacia, until one day, Aengus's father met a Demacian woman whose family work under Jarvan lV since before the time of King Jarvan I of Demacia. For many years, Aengus's father Vergil was considered a betrayer of Noxus for secretly leaving the military to marry an Demacian woman name Teresa and had an offspring with her. One night they both snuck out of Demacia to escape the civilization, and they went to the Northeasthern side hoping to live a peaceful life.
Aengus grew up on a land between Serpentine River and Howling Marsh, raise by his loving Noxian father and Demacian mother. Starting at a young age Aengus was trained by both of his parents, who tought him the skills and techniques they learned personally. Aengus's parents wished that one day he will grow up as a strong man, and also find a woman that he loves and live in his own dream. At Aengus's eighteenth birthday they had been discovered, an army of Noxus soldiers along with war machines surrounded their house leaded by the Blood Brothers and Swain. The attack was commanded by General Boram Darkwill, the ruler of Noxus. Both Aengus's parent knew this day would come, but never expected to be this day. Aengus was told they would both distract the three commander, and try to opening a path for him to escape. For all these years, all the care and love his father and mother gave him made him insisted to stay and fight with them. He was also willing to die along with them. Aengus believes if both of his parent died, he would have no point of living because they are the only people he knew, and they are the only people who cares about him. He also felt the world outside are unknown pearil place. He wants stay with his beloved parents, even if it means death. Tears slowly flows out of Aengus eyes before he even realize. Both of them hugged Aengus, they knew this would be the last time they will ever see their beloved son. Before Aengus's mother let go, she told Aengus that he's the last hope for them; she wants him to live for them so he can complete their wish. After their small family gathering, Aengus's mother took off her Blessed Amulet that she received from her mother when she's a child and placed it around Aengus's neck. She gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead, and told him that she will always stay by his side and the amulet will be a symbol of her love. Aengus's father told him to pull himself together, and then he handed him a ancestry sword that has been past down generation to generation from Aengus's Noxus family. The sword was exchanted with a tooth of a Sovereigh Dragon of Valoran that his ancestor had once slayed. After Aengus received his gifts, he looked at them the last time, as the tears stream down his cheeks. He knew he couldn't let his parent down, knowing he have to live on for his parent and himself. Finally, Aengus gave in and agreed with the plan.
They ran out and charge towards the army right before the Noxus soldiers launched the missiles. Aengus parents took on The Blood Brothers and Swain hoping to make a distraction; while creating an opening for Aengus to fight through the army. Draven perform a flawless threw with his axe toward Aengus while Aengus was fight his way out. His father Vergil saw the attack and quickly performed one his Crypic moves and deflected the axe. The Blood brothers both saw his performence and sudden turned their intrest toward his father while Aengus made a sucessful escape.
After Aengus came back, countless of Noxus dead soldiers almost covered the area. Aengus ignore the dead soldiers, and he began his search for his parents. Finally, their body were discovered, their dead body were held close to each and covered in blood with nasty open wounds. Aengus couldn't believe what he had witness. Immediately, tears burst out of his eyes as he pounds his fist on the cold, harden ground. Heartbroken, Aengus couldn't think of anything else beside his beloved parents that was once alive. He want his parents to came back, he wants to see their warm smiles and laughter. He softly call out their name few time, but there's no reply. He knew they were gone. All of the sudden, he felt alone, knowing he had losted the two person who raised him,cared for him, gave him the love, and the courage he needs. He later burried both of his parent under the big tree near the river where they used to train, hunt, and spend time together watching sunset on the top of the tree. Before Aengus leaves their graves, he promised them that he will stay alive find the woman he love and live in his own dream.
Aengus wonders off at the stream of the river, passing Howling Marsh and ends up at a small river that's between Ironspike Mountains and Howling Marsh. At the river, he saw beautiful and tough looking woman who had white hair; carrying her broken blade nearly broad as shield with her giant gauntle. He knew he was in love at first sight with this woman. Aengus saw her stare at the reflection herself at the water; through her eyes he can see and felt sarrow, and pain within her, along with regrets and loneliness. He somehow felt that they both had suffered a great lost and that includes family members. Aengus felt like he wants to know her, and stay by her side to support what ever she needs. When Aengus approached himself closer, the woman noticed his arrival, she turn her face toward him and look straight at his eyes. Sudden, a tiggling sensation that Aengus never had felt before rush through all part of his body; he felt his heart was pounding and his body became stiff hard to move. The woman looked at him for a moment then turn and walked alway. As Aengus saw her walk farther and farther he begin to relax. Aengus finally discovered what he had been looking for, and he wanted know her, to talk to her, and stay by her side support this woman. For the first time, Aengus was in love. He promise himself to find this woman again. As he travel further on his journey, he met three powerful summoners who accepted him join the field of justice to test his skills, and help him find the woman he been seaching for.
"The true meaning of living is living for others........"
" Someone to love and a place to belong is what dreams are made out of."
Aengus, Guardian of The Exile
Story Owned by Unexisted, He posted in the RP form earlyer in Riven's Thread. What do you guys think of it? For me it's the bomb am been looking for.
Understand that what I'm about to do is to critique this short story as if it were a Bio for a Champion. What I'm looking for is background information, character defining moments, interaction with existing characters and places, new characters and places, and word count (which shouldn't exceed 500 words).
OrigonalA I have to say well done. You really did a good job of cleaning up the story and making it fit better.
To be honest I don't know if I'm a huge fan of the character itself (just my thoughts personally anyway), but I felt like a simple +1 didn't quite give you the credit for the rework of that story.
Listen to OrigionalA's advice!
Thanks for the up vote.
I didn't do the rework because I'm a fan of the character; I'm not involved with the RP section of this site, which is apperenly where this whole thing started. I did it as more as a mental exercise. Lots of people give the Riot Lore Team a bunch of **** for their Bios that they write up and it seemed to me that the topic creator was playing this up as something above the Lore Team's standard. I wanted to see for myself what it would take to make this short story to fall more in line with the Lore Team's standard. I think I could have done better, or at least would have demanded better if my rework was all that I got from a new Champion's bio and did not know the previous version that it was recrafted from. I know that in one of the AMA's that one of the Riot team members said what their formula for Bios was, but I forgot what it was and where to find it. I know that my version doesn't fit that formula so it would have to be rewritten again in order to fall in line with the others. I did at least get the word count into something managable though. It would be on the shorter side of Champion Bios, but subsequent reworks could bump the word count higher.
I will admit I did make a mistake though. There is a small hint that the woman is supposed to be Riven and that detail was completely lost in my rework. I missed that bit when I was reading it. I blame the fact that it was 11 PM and it was right after it was stated that she "had a hair". Still, that does help explain why the guy has the title he has. I even suggested that it would be nonsense unless that very thing was what was intended and I missed all of the clues that lead to that implication. A small reading comprehension failure for me. My reworking of the story has about 200 free words left to use up before it is boarderline too long of a bio though. A hint could be dropped in a reworking of the rework (not going to happen, but I'm just trying to go through the mindset of the Lore Team when they do their write ups).
I wonder how many times they rewrite their bios before they are released. Probably a lot I would imagin.
I will give this whole thing one big possitive point though; it is still better than Dota's Hero's Bios. Those things are just terrible. At least Aengus's story is connected with known areas and pre-existing characters. I've said my grippes about how both of those points were handled, but it is better than Dota's tendency to just create a new area and new side characters specifically for each Hero.
My final thoughts is that the guy who initially wrote that needs an editor. It isn't a bad start, but it would not hold up to the same standard that all of the other champions are held to. Purple prose, spelling errors, and verb tense inconsistancies were the largest offenders and an editor would have cleared those right up; kinda like I did, although I did change the antagonistic characters and lost some hints to Riven. Oh well.
It was a fun exercise though.
Sure, I'll help you out a little bit.
Just to make sure we start off on the right foot though, I want you to understand a few things first:
1) By writing down what you had and posting is a definitely a plus. I would call myself a fanfiction writer, but I don't actually write fanfiction because I haven't written any of it down even though I have the course of several stories all plotted down. Since I have not actually written anything I cannot judge how good of a writer I am. The very fact that you put something down and posted it is the first step in getting better at writing. Keep writing. You may not be great right now, and to be honest you aren't, but you will only get better by asking for help (like you are) and (more importantly) writing more.
2) TvTropes.org. Go there, spend a few hours reading the tropes. It will help you recognize narrative devices like "love at first sight" and hopefully you might learn how to use them better.
3) Related to #2, I decried your use of Purple Prose and Love at First Sight. I let the Love at First Sight one go because there is nothing wrong with using it. I personally don't like. It is my opinion that it isn't a trope worth using. ... But that is entirely subjective and there are several people who will disagree with me on that. Aengus is your character and you wanted him to fall in love at first sight and there is nothing wrong with that. Now contrast this to your use of Purple Prose. If your objective was to write a short story then there is nothing wrong with using it. It was my understanding that you wanted this specific story to be a Champion Bio, and those have a tight word restriction which your short story surpassed the max limit about half way through. Within that specific context, with those parameters of a limited word count, that is why I called out your use of Purple Prose. In and of itself, using Purple Prose is perfectly fine. But the objective here was to give as much information and insight on Aengus and his personality in as few of words as possible. Purple Prose does not help that meet that goal. Draven throwing an axe can be an interesting event, but it doesn't tell the audience anything about Aengus and that is why I objected to such overly descriptive use of words when the entire event can be summed up as "and there was a battle". Beige Prose, while very cut and dry and easily boring if used incorrectly, lends itself very well to Champion Bios and their strict word count. Both types of prose has a time and a place. Learning when it is appropriate to use them is key.
For the record, I didn't mind your use of Purple Prose within the story as your means to tell a story. The part where Aengus returns to his home after the battle is probably my favorite part and where I feel that you use Purple Prose the best in the story. I liked that bit. I really did. Unfortunately using a lot of words to repeatedly describe a mixture of feelings repeatedly just doesn't lend itself well to a Champion Bio, which, again, has a very specific set of expectations and length should be kept to a minimum. ... Although, rereading my rework of it, I feel that I didn't put enough of his sorrow into that bit. I would add another sentence, or alter one that I had put in there, to include a bit about how broken up he was with finding his parents dead since his sorrow is an important part of his character. Even if he isn't a character known for his sorrow, the fact that he is upset by this event tells us something about his character and that is exactly the sort of stuff that does belong in a Champion Bio.
Okay. I think that is enough for a preface. Now the core of my helping you.
1) Tropes are neither good nor bad. How you use them determines their worth. I don't like "love at first sight" because I have seen it in far too many poorly written romance tales that were of very poor quality. That has left me with a low opinion of it. That doesn't mean someone cannot use that same trope and make one of the best love stories of all time. Romeo and Juliet uses this trope. That story is not a good story because it uses that trope. It is a good story because it is well written. The trope is used well because the writer knew how to use it well. It is not the other way around. This is ideology is important to understand once you start diving into TvTropes.org and start recognizing all of the tropes you are familiar with.
A very helpful page.
3) Work on keeping your verb tense consistent. This is probably the single biggest flaw in your writing. Most everything else is forgivable given context, which is why I say that as a short story it isn't bad but as a Champion Bio it will not suffice. This, however, is a fundamental problem.
" He want his parents to came back, he wants to see their warm smiles and laughter."
This is probably the worse sentence in the entire thing. This should be rewritten as either:
He wanted his parents to come back; he wanted to see their warm smiles and [hear] their laughter.
he wants his parents to come back; he wants to see their warm smiles and [hear] their laughter.
Given the narrative tense of the rest of the story (past tense as these are things that have happened in the past) the first sentence would be correct. Also I put "hear" in brackets to note that I have added it to the sentence. You cannot see laughter. You can see someone laugh, but not their laughter itself. You can hear laughter though. I think you get my point here.
A bit of self criticism here, but I should not have changed verb tenses in the version that I reworked either. I deliberately changed the tense for the last sentence or two to make a subtle point of highlighting the change in his character from when he was traveling aimlessly after his parents death to his motivated determined movements after he met Riven. Unfortunately because of this move I ended up implying that he was not yet a champion despite the fact it was intended to be a champion bio for a released champion whom would have been accepted into the League already. Oops. This goes back to that context thing. I did that verb tense change because it was actually a pretty interesting shift. I think that it did add to the narrative. ... BUT, within the context of a Champion Bio it makes no sense what-so-ever and should not be there. Figuring out what the purpose is of what you write down (the context) is just as important as to how you write it down (your style of writing) as well as what you write down (the plot).
4) I suggest that you read aloud what your write down before you post it as part of a self editing process. I know you did not intend to flat out state that Riven has one single hair, yet that is exactly what you did. You missed a word somehow (it happens. Don't feel bad), and that simple mistake actually distracted me enough to completely miss all of the big obvious signs that said everything but Riven's name. Your mind played a cruel trick on you and edited the word into the story in your mind but not in the post. You thought it was correct because when you read it in your mind you read it as you thought how it should read instead of what you actually wrote down. Reading the words out loud helps break that disconnect that allows mistakes like to that get overlooked.
Finally, and this is easily the single most important this here, HAVE FUN!
RP, Fanfiction, writing... just have fun with it. I said I've thought up a bunch of fanfiction but never put any of it down. That's mostly because I have more fun just thinking up the plots (also I stick at writing). I have fun thinking about how these characters will interact with each other and just think about what kind of adventures that they would go on, what trials they will endure, what obstacles they will overcome. It is something I do everyday. I have fun with that. Eventually I realized that I don't write those down because I ultimately think those up for myself. I don't feel the need to share them so I don't write them down. I do think up new ones because that is where I find the most enjoyment.
I hope you have fun with your character too.
thanks for the tip, I just really want to create him in the player concepts but I need a good lore for him. This the first time I ever have the guts posting my writting out to the community. To tell the truth writting is something I really really struggling with, and I hate reading. It's really hard to keep praticing the things your not good at and had fail many times. I just want to create this character for Riven, but it seems no one likes my idea....I alreally got an down vote. That's why I fear to write sometime, no matter how I try it always let me down. I guess creating him is just a dead dream, it don't seem like people support me that's what I fear. I just want to share my idea of this character and how he met Riven, not to show how well my writting is......what should I do?
First of all, don't worry about downvotes. If you are doing this for yourself then the opinions of others shouldn't matter. You say you want to share your idea. That means that you will get feedback on it. It is practically impossible for something to be universally exalted or hated. Down votes and up votes is just an expression of opinion in a very visible way. Even if nobody votes at all, there will always be people who do or do not like what you post. Once you share anything at all, it is instantly up for everyone to decide whether they like it or not. You shouldn't worry about them liking it or not.
But, here is the catch. You need to understand why people are reading it and why they are liking it or not liking it. Your story here is.... it's alright. I can point out bits and parts and say which trope is trope (I spend a lot of time on TvTropes). I can see some of the ideas that you used and guess why. And as a whole it wasn't something I felt was terrible as a story. .... What I did not enjoy was grammatical errors in it. That, above all else, was the thing that made it difficult to get through your story.
You may not have aspirations for being a writer, but you are trying to tell a story that you want to tell through writing. That makes you a writer regardless of whether or not you actually want to be one. As a writer it doesn't really matter what your story is, but the quality of writing must be above a certain, unquantifiable, threshold or else people will not enjoy it because it is simply too difficult to read without getting confused. You want to tell this story, and you are communicating it through text. But when you use the wrong words, or incorrect grammar, or other distracting mistakes, that communication is blurred and misunderstood and then your story suffers for it.
It will not be easy. It will hurt sometimes getting better. But you will never be able to share a story with other people unless you start bringing your writing ability up to a higher standard. And, to be honest, what people find as an acceptable standard varies from person to person. You are going to be giving this to what is basically a fanfiction or RP audience. The former tends to have a relatively low standard; I'm not sure about the latter (I don't go to those areas enough to make an informed opinion); nobody is going to expect Tolken-ish epics from you. But even still you should strive to make it the best story you can make.
Keep at it though. You will get better in time. And read more. Find something that interest you and read it. It doesn't matter what it is just keep reading. You obviously like League of Legends, so read League of Legends fanfiction that others have made. Heck, I'm reading one right now. "The Only Truth" by Princess Garen on Fanfiction.net. Definitely one of the higher quality fanfics. Keep reading and keep writing. You don't have to post what you write though. Do some simple stuff. Take your story from this thread here for example. Take a look at it and then rewrite the whole thing using less than 500 words. Take just the scene where Aengus meets Riven and write how that goes using up to 2000 words. Think about all of the details that the reader doesn't need to know like what is the name of the summoners that Aengus found. Why did they help him? Were they friendly? Were they going to use him to further their own agenda? Think about where you want your story to end. Where does it begin? What happens in the middle? Who does he meet along the way? Who opposes him? What does he have to overcome in order to get to the ending?
Think about these things. Write them out. Proof read what you wrote down to make sure you didn't make any mistakes when you were typing it out. Does the story you wrote down match up with the story that plays through your head? If it does not then you probably need to rewrite it again. Then post. Ask for constructive criticisms. Ask for ideas for plot lines, or challenge yourself by asking others to tell you what should happen next and then write that in your own way.
Whatever you do, do not give up. Take a break when you need to, but keep coming back to it. Keep trying.
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