Hi all, I decided to start writing this whimsical story because, well, I dunno, I felt like it. Miss Fortune is one of my favorite champs, and I was appalled that I had not yet written anything about her character.
There will be more parts after this one. Got more ideas floating around in my head. Hope you enjoy!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Part One: MF Becomes a Single Mom (the first two posts of this thread)
Part Two: ****ing Viktor (http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/...1#post34729116)
START OF PART ONE
She strutted down the sidewalk on a fine summer day, her full red lips a poutin', tight round hips a swayin', and big black boots a cloppin'. Everything was bouncing with each confident step, from the healthy shapely rear end clad inside hip-hugging shiny black leather pants to the locks of swirling fire red hair which rested on her bare shoulders. Her eye-popping bosom was nestled precariously inside a low cut white silken blouse. The impressive jugs were more cradled than covered by the somewhat sheer cloth, and they were seemingly threatening to pop out at any moment.
The irresistible head turner left behind a wide wake of considerable destruction, as rubber necking men crashed their cars into other cars, stalwart buildings, and unfortunate pedestrians. A knowing smile crossed her face as she kept her sparkling green eyes straight ahead and serenely ignored the chaotic symphony of screeching tires, wrenching metal, and breaking glass. Just another typical day in town for the one and only Miss Sarah Fortune.
She passed by a geriatric man standing crookedly off to the side. The wizened hunchbacked fellow was huddled over his cell phone and whispering in a hushed and embarrassed voice: “... so yeah, my thingaling doesn't work anymore, and I was wondering if you could prescribe some Viagra for me – WHOA MOMMA!” His eyes bulged at the sight of Miss Fortune walking by. They zeroed in on her swinging rear end as he hastily yelled into his phone before hanging up, “Never mind, it's working again!”
She overheard his conversation, of course, and she glanced back to shoot an amused and flirty wink at the old man. Kapow! The old man clutched his chest with a wheezing gasp, then dropped stone dead onto the ground. Bulls eye.
A young boy stood with jaw agape as he watched her approach, his half-eaten vanilla ice cream cone all but forgotten as it melted inside his sticky hands. As she walked by, she bestowed a big smile onto the boy and brushed a long slender forefinger against his chubby chin.
“Be careful, little man, you're making a mess of yourself!”
As soon as her finger touched his chin... kapow! The young boy's balls dropped with thunderous force, pubic hair sprouted within his trousers like an instant chia chia pet, and he experienced the daytime equivalent of a nocturnal emission.
The bewildered young man sagged to the ground as he watched her swinging rear end fade away in the distance, too discombobulated to even feel embarrassed about the mess he had made of himself. He never had a chance, anyway. Miss Fortune was the hottest ***** in all of Runeterra and, once in a while, she made damn sure to remind everyone of this irrefutable law of nature.
Hands on her hips as she swaggered to a halt at the doorway to the local Starbucks cafe, she smiled generously as a young male Starbucks patron hastily dashed over to open the entrance for her. What a nice fellow... and what a sorry sap. Just another foolishly grinning man bending over backwards so that she could better wrap him around her finger. The twenty three year old woman honestly could not remember the last time she had to open a door in public for herself. Five years ago? No, ten years seemed more likely, since it had to have been during the time period when she didn't have boobs yet. Once her figure started to fill out, pretty much all men answered her every beck and call.
She stepped into the cafe, and her plastic smile turned genuine at the background music. Big band swing. Her absolute favorite. The brassy and sassy song was currently in the middle of a heavy drum beat lull, and the booming of the drums was contagious. She began to wiggle her hips and wag a finger to the beat, humming under her breath as she scanned the interior of the cafe for a pair of familiar faces...
There they were, sequestered away in a back corner booth. Miss Fortune grinned and waved. “Yoo hoo, girls!”
The odd couple of Piltover police women, Caitlyn and Vi, excitedly waved back from their booth, and they stood up to greet their approaching girl friend. Caitlyn was the tallest of the trio and Sarah, a good-sized girl herself, had to lift off her toes a bit to exchange cheek kisses with the brunette. Caitlyn was in her usual purple get up, revealing those amazing legs that went on for days. Her legs were so long, in fact, when combined with her lengthy arms, it made for an almost gangly police babe. Almost.
Miss Fortune had known Caitlyn for quite a few years now, the brash bounty hunter and the intrepid town sheriff constantly exchanging information about Runeterra's most wanted miscreants. Sarah's fiery personality played well off Caitlyn's cool and calm, and they became close friends despite the sea waters that separated Bilgewater Island from the coastal city of Piltover. They became so close, as a matter of fact, that Sarah was quite sure that if she swung from the other side of the plate, she would have fallen for Caitlyn and those long legs ages ago.
As it were, though, someone else had fallen for The Legs of Piltover, and that was this other intriguing woman who called herself Vi. Sarah did not know her as well as Caitlyn, Vi having burst into the crimefighting scene a couple years ago as some sort of rehabilitation project of Caitlyn's. And although the two completely different women squabbled endlessly over the dumbest things, it only took Sarah one look at the arguing duo to realize that they were simply engaging in verbal foreplay.
A cute girl in her own right, Vi's most distinctive physical feature was her piercing steel blue eyes. When Caitlyn first confided with Sarah about her attraction to Vi, she could not stop raving about those eyes and how she just wanted to drown herself in them. It didn't hurt that Vi had a tight little body herself, although little was not quite the right word considering her somewhat Amazonian physique. Caitlyn especially liked Vi's giant muscled haunches, always taking the opportunity to smack Vi in the butt when no one else was looking.
Sarah and Vi exchanged kisses of greeting now. Smooch. Smooch. Vi was a very blunt and direct woman, never holding back in anything she did or said. Even her kisses were more forceful than Caitlyn's, her pink puckered lips tugging on Sarah's cheek like the suckers of a probing octopus arm. Sarah really liked her. She had a moral compass that never wavered, and Sarah could not imagine her doing anything ever to harm Cait. Granted, they did argue a lot on the job, but that was not all on the rambunctious Vi; Cait was a creature of habit that could be very rigid and particular about certain things. At least both of them were mature enough and secure enough to not take the arguments so personally. And besides, Caitlyn once told Sarah that she thought the *** was better after a heated argument. Hey, whatever floated their boat.
Love was always in the air above Caitlyn's funky hats and Vi's headbound goggles. But today, Sarah sensed something even more raw and intense. Vi was wearing a goofy ecstatic smile that Sarah had never seen before on the pink haired steam punk police woman; due to her rough childhood, Vi usually preferred to wear a hard exterior. Sarah oofed as Vi gently slammed her humongous gauntlets down onto Sarah's shoulders.
“Thanks so much for coming all the way from Bilgewater, Sarah! We wanted you to be the first to know before we told anyone else!”
“Hey, no problem. Anything for you two gals! Besides, I was already nearby busting some heads off the shores of Zaun, ya know...” Sarah looked back and forth between the two giddy women. “What's with you two? You look like you've overdosed on happy pills.”
Caitlyn was trembling in excitement as she wrapped her left hand around the pinky of Vi's nearest gauntlet. “Sarah, Prince Jarvan sent me a communication last night that he is about to push through a law which legalizes same s3x marriage in Demacia!”
Miss Fortune's eyes flew open as she suddenly realized what this was all about. “He is?? So, that means...”
“Yes! Yes!” Vi was jumping up and down in uncontrollable delight as she slammed a hole into the wall with her free gauntlet. “We're going to get married, Sarah! And we want you to be our best woman!”
“Oh my!” Sarah did not know why, but a sudden pang of sadness and loneliness shot through her heart even as she smiled in delight for her two friends. “But of course I'll be your best woman! Oh my god, this is so incredible, I can't believe Demacia is actually going to pass that law! I mean, I heard that there was a strong movement and all, but still... wow!”
Caitlyn eagerly nodded. “Well, there is much opposition, both public and political. However, Jarvan is confident that he has enough sway and friends within his court that the law will not be overturned once he officially signs it. Of course, we won't get any of the legal benefits or tax breaks here in Piltover since the marriage certificate only carries weight within Demacian borders, but still...”
Her grip on Vi's gauntlet pinky tightened, and the two love birds exchanged quick smiles and smooches. “You don't know how much this means to us, Sarah. Or maybe you do, but, I mean... sorry, I still can't believe this is actually happening! Finally our dream will come true!”
Sarah's sadness disappeared for the moment, because the sight of the pure unadulterated love between Cait and Vi was making her heart melt faster than that chubby boy's ice cream. She temporarily gained a gap closer as she sprung forward to seize them both inside a spontaneous bear hug. “Okay, that does it! Group hug! Group hug time for bride 1A and bride 1B!”
They all laughed as they formed an impromptu football huddle and squeezed each other within their arms. Sarah paused to frivolously wonder, “But wait, who will carry who over the threshold?? Normally it's the man who carries the lady, but...”
“Hmmm.” The other two girls also tilted their heads in thought. Vi then said, “Well, it's normally the man who gets handcuffed in the bedroom, right? I guess it'll be me carrying Cait then!”
Vi had not bothered to turn down the volume of her voice, as usual, and Caitlyn's face blotched a deep red as she hastily looked around. “Vi, hush! This is really not the place to mention such things!”
The damage was already done, however, as another old man keeled over while clutching his chest. Another semiconscious boy was lying on the floor with freshly dropped balls. A nearby young girl was asking her beet-red mother, “Mommy, why would a lady handcuff another lady inside a bedroom?”
Someone then screamed, “Oh my god, that poor old man, he's not waking back up! Is there a doctor in the house??”
“I'm a doctor!” Surgeon Shen suddenly swooped into the cafe, already wearing his scrubs and snapping a pair of latex gloves onto his hands. “Fear not, I will save him!”
The crowd parted like the Red Sea to allow Shen to kneel down by the old man and perform CPR. Sarah gazed in appreciation from their booth as she checked out the hunky ninja doctor's superior butt and huge forearms.
“Yoww! That Shen got himself a tight little behind, mmm mmm mmm!”
Caitlyn had no interest in men, but she did know a great butt when she saw one. “He is quite the dashing doctor, isn't he?” She nudged Sarah elbow to elbow. “You should go talk to him! You're not dating Ezreal anymore, right?”
“Mmm, he's cute, but I dunno if I'm interested in him.” Miss Fortune sighed as she watched Shen place his mouth over the old man's mouth. “He's not a billionaire, you know.”
“He's not a billionaire??” Caitlyn rolled her eyes. “Sarah, he's a brain surgeon and one of the most popular champions in the League. I'm sure he makes plenty of money. Methinks your standards are a wee bit high.”
“Pssht, says you! I can have any man I want! Why would I settle for anything less than the best??”
Vi interrupted, “Wait, you're not dating Ezreal anymore? That's so sad, you guys were dating for almost a year now! What happened??”
Sarah shrugged. “I found out he wasn't a billionaire. That's what happened.”
The pink haired one pouted. “But you made such a cute couple... I guess you were the one who dropped him, huh?”
“Yeah, I did. I tried to lay him down as gently as I could, too. He was broken hearted of course, but he took it pretty well, all things considered. No shouting or name calling or anything like that. He knows how I roll, and he just doesn't make enough bank for the likes of me.” The red head sighed. “He is a sweet cutie pie, but oh well. That's life.”
The sheriff frowned at Sarah's waxing poetic. “I still think you're being way too picky about the men you date, Sarah. What was your list again? He has to be a champion of the League, between the age of 20 and 40, supermodel handsome, worth over a billion in total assets, and... you just added something else, recently, right?”
Sarah nodded. “And he also has to be the ruler of a nation.” A pause, then she further clarified, “A big nation, too. Not just some little craphole territory.”
Vi scratched her head with a gauntlet fingertip. “Wow, Sarah. You really are picky.”
“I guess. While I was dating Ezreal, I realized that I wanted more in life, ya know? He was a sweet guy and a lot of fun in the sack, but... I dunno, he just wasn't Mr. Right for me.”
Caitlyn said, “I think the only man who makes it onto your list is.... Prince Jarvan?”
Sarah's eyes lit up at the mention of his name. “Oh yeah, dat J4 baby! Now we're talking! He is so perfect for me, don't you think?? He's so tall, handsome, filthy rich, AND he's heir to the throne of Demacia! Now that, ladies, is my Mr. Right!”
“Uhh.” Vi stared at the red head. “No offense, Sarah, but I don't know if you're being realistic here.”
Sarah huffed in outrage. “Why?? You don't think I can snag a man like him??”
“Well, no, I mean... I thought royalty only married royalty and stuff.”
“Well, that's true.” Sarah's face darkened as she recalled something upsetting from the past. “I once tried to introduce myself to Jarvan during a League get-together last year, and his mother totally started sniffing and looking down on me like the hoity-toity ***** she is! Jarvan had the hots for me, but that ice queen dragged him away while saying stuff about how he should not be consorting with commoners! Totally **** blocked me. Totally!”
Caitlyn wasn't sure if Sarah's recollection of those events were entirely accurate, but she let it slide. “Yes, I've heard that his mother is quite the ice queen. Don't take it personally, though. She has a reputation for thinking every woman out there is not good enough for her baby boy. It's not just you.” The sheriff suddenly squealed and clapped her hands together. “Oh my god, speaking of baby boys! Sarah, we forgot to tell you the most important part of all this!”
Miss Fortune's jaw dropped at this revelation. “What?? You're getting married! What could be more important than that!!”
“Well, yes, that is very important to us, true! But Vi and I have been talking about this for quite the while now, and we've finally decided.” Caitlyn was holding onto Vi's gauntlet pinky again. “We are going to adopt a child together!”
“WHAT??” Miss Fortune was on her hands and knees, picking up her jaw off the ground. Then she shot back up to her feet with a giant boob bounce. “You guys... holy ****! Are you sure you guys are ready for this??”
“We know it's a big responsibility, but we're ready,” Vi said firmly. “We're ready to start a family.”
“Look, it's great that you guys want to take the next step forward... and then some, I might add! However, both of you are working girls who work the strangest hours! Who is going to take care of the kid at home?”
“We've already cleaned out the room in between our offices,” Caitlyn replied. “It's waiting with a cradle, toys, rattles, everything!”
“I painted the walls too,” Vi added. “They're pink, of course.”
It was Sarah's turn to be skeptical of her friends, but she could see that their minds were already made up. There was nothing she could say or do about it. Not that she had any doubt whether they had the best intentions at heart. It was just all so... fast.
Caitlyn was a very methodical person, however (Vi, not so much). This was surely a scenario which Cait had put a lot of thought into and thoroughly evaluated. If Cait believed they could do it, Sarah was confident the two could raise the happiest and healthiest baby in all of Piltover. She just hoped that Vi would take her gauntlets off before handling the child.
“Well, if any police couple can do it, you two can! Sister Sarah gives you her blessings.” Sarah hugged her two friends again, then stepped back to fluff out her hair. “So, when are you going to adopt? Heck, when are you going to marry?? Wow, you guys sure are moving along, aren't you??”
“We want to get married in the summer,” Caitlyn said. “And we're going to put in an adoption application form the week after the ceremony.”
“Boy or girl?”
“Girl,” Vi said immediately. “A baby girl. And we are going to name her Audrey.”
“Oh, I do hope she shows some inclination towards music,” Caitlyn wished out loud. “My grandmother's piano is sitting in a corner of my living room and collecting dust... it is just begging for someone talented to come along and sit down and play...”
She kept nodding and smiling, but the normally glib and merry Miss Fortune was feeling it again. That sudden pang of loneliness and sadness surging through her famous chest. It was especially painful because, quite frankly, she was not used to this feeling. She was an abnormally confident woman (some might call her an egomaniac) with little in the ways of insecurities, and she almost never got down on herself. She didn't feel bad at all about the old men who dropped dead whenever they saw her. She didn't feel bad when she dropped Ezreal like a bad habit. Yes, she did miss her dear mother something fierce, but this new sensation of loneliness was different. It was driven by something other than grief...
Miss Fortune snapped out of it when Caitlyn's police radio started hissing from her belt. The sheriff held up a hand for silence as she clicked on the radio. “Caitlyn here, what is it?”
“We've got a break in at the fishing docks, Sheriff. Suspect is a young blue male approximately four and a half feet in height. He is naked and wielding a large trident. Repeat, he is wielding a large trident and is considered armed and extremely dangerous.”
Caitlyn's brow scrunched at the description. “Wait, did you say he was... blue?”
“Yes, ma'am, he was described as blue with big floppy ears. He was last seen heading east while carrying a freshly caught sushi-grade tuna over his head.”
“What the hell!” Vi exclaimed. “A blue kid? Carrying around a trident?? What the heck is he talking about??”
“Oh my god,” Miss Fortune groaned as she slapped her hands over her face. “I know who it is. Look, tell your men that the suspect is not dangerous. He's just a mischievous trouble maker, that's all.”
The police women looked to Sarah in confusion. “You know him?”
“Yeah, this kid's been popping up in Bilgewater lately. He calls himself Fizz for whatever reason. Nobody knows where he came from or what race he is. He just runs around doing whatever he wants and stuff.” She added, “He's not a bad kid, though. He just has no clue about human laws and society. If you tell him to stop doing something, he'll stop doing it.”
Caitlyn nodded as she turned her radio mic back on. “Dispatch, I've got good intel which says that the suspect is not to be considered dangerous. Repeat, the suspect is not dangerous, and should be handled as such.”
The radio crackled, “Roger that. Witnesses are reporting that he just broke into a candy factory down the street from your location, Sheriff. He is still carrying his trident but the tuna is no longer in sight. Witnesses now describe him as a little blue fish kid with a giant distended belly, so he has presumably already eaten the tuna.”
“Sounds like his usual M.O.” Sarah interjected. “Fizz eats everything that he can get his hands on.”
“Well then. If he's just down the street from us...” Caitlyn tossed some tip money onto the table. “Let's see what this kerfuffle is all about, hmm?”
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST
Ten minutes later, Sarah was alone, walking around the outer brick walls of a candy factory and feeling somewhat silly as she called out, “Fizz! Fizzzz! It's me, Miss Fortune! Remember me from Bilgewater? You can come out now!”
Caitlyn and Vi were inside the building and searching the factory itself. Cait wanted Sarah to search the surrounding area outside the factory, so here she was. Trudging on sandy dirt and gravel. Making a mess of her incredibly expensive designer boots. Damn it, she would have worn one of her less expensive pair of designer boots if she had known that she would be wandering around in a crappy pebbly lot littered with straggly bushes and weed clumps!
Fizz was not a dangerous character by any means, so Sarah let her mind wander as the soles of her feet crunched against the ground. More specifically, she pondered about why the heck she was suddenly feeling so lonely after finding out that Caitlyn and Vi were about to get hitched and have a kid.
Then she stopped in her tracks, as she realized that this new found loneliness was paving the way for another emotion that was even more foreign to her: jealousy.
Jealous? Her?? The utterly peerless and most awesome babe in all of Runeterra? Miss Fortune never became jealous of anyone! It was supposed to be the other way around; people were supposed to be jealous of HER. SHE was the standard. SHE was the trendsetter. SHE was the *** icon. SHE was the hottest ***** in all of Runeterra.
And yet, here she was, standing alone in an abandoned lot with the wind whistling in her ears. Undeniably jealous of the fact that Caitlyn and Vi were settling down. In Sarah's warped mind, it was not so much the fact that they had found their significant other. It was the bigger picture she was jealous of. They were going to be a family, complete with a new kid on the way. Such a pretty perfect picture that would make for a marvelous family portrait.
Sarah knew that she could snooker any guy into giving her a ring. But nope, that was not the plan. Now that she had freed herself from Ezreal, she was saving herself for Prince Jarvan. She was a goal-oriented woman, and she had already set plans in motion to make herself seem much more favorable to her charming prince and his sordid ***** of a mother. It would take some time before Jarvan was hers, but she was a relatively patient woman and it was going to happen. Oh, it was so going to happen.
Besides, if she was going to pop out a kid, it would have to be for a really damn good reason. And Jarvan wanting a son to carry on his bloodline was reason enough, she supposed. But only one son, damn it. Her hips were already pretty damn big as they were. Jarvan's mother could go screw herself if she wanted Sarah to become some baby-making machine. She was NOT going to spend the rest of her life walking around with some gigantic unwieldy ass crammed inside a pair of momma pants.
But then again, it was dawning upon Sarah that the jealousy had not really started until Cait and Vi had told her about their adoption plans. So maybe, in a twisted sense, her maternal instincts were kicking in? Maybe she did want a kid, and she just did not know it yet?? But... her hips! She loved her hips as they were! Sometimes she would just stand in front of a mirror, stare at her awesome ass for fifteen minutes or so, and thank the heavens that she had won the genetic lottery.
Oh, the dilemma. A cherubic child versus a splendid ass. Which to choose...
She awoke from her internal debate to the sound of a large burp. The burp was actually quite far away, it seemed. She just happened to be downwind and the rude sound carried well. It sounded like a juicy one, too. Thank god the wind hadn't carried the burp's odor to her as well.
Bounty hunter mode kicked in, and she headed straight towards the trajectory of the burp. In under a minute, she came upon a tell tale trail of half-eaten frosted chocolate cupcakes. She noted that Fizz had eaten only the actual cake part and left the frosted caps untouched. Apparently he didn't like frosting, which struck her as mildly odd. It was rare that he came across something that he didn't like the taste of.
She finally came upon a large clump of bushes, an ideal hiding spot where a little bugger could sit in peace and wolf down the sugary loot from his candy factory raid. She could not see him or hear him, but she knew he was in there somewhere. And she knew he had heard her approach, because the little amphibious bugger had very sharp hearing with those four floppy ears of his. Or maybe those things on his head weren't ears? Deep sea dwellers normally had ear holes, not ear lobes. Hmm.
Either way, Sarah opened her mouth so she could order him to get out of the bush. But Fizz's excited youthful voice beat her to the punch as it emanated from the bush: “Hey, it's Big Boob Lady!”
The little bugger himself popped out from the bush with a big happy grin and two opened bags of gummy worm in his hands. “Hi, Big Boob Lady, how you doing! Want some?” He extended one of the bags to her. “These worms taste awesome! I've never seen worms like these before!”
She both smiled and frowned as she placed her hands on her hips. “Now, now, Fizz. What did I tell you about going into strange buildings?”
Fizz's big smile froze as he realized that maybe he had done something really really bad. “Uh oh. Did I do something wrong again?”
“Yes, you did. I told you, you can't go into buildings without asking for permission!”
Fizz scratched one of his ears. “I don't get it. Last week, I thought you told me that I can walk into supermarkets whenever I want.”
Sarah groaned as she tiredly rubbed her forehead. “Of course you can walk into a supermarket whenever you want. But I also told you that you can't just EAT whatever you want inside a supermarket.”
“Ohhhh.” The fish kid was visibly chagrined by his faulty memory, and he started to toe the dirt in front of him. “Sorry, I forgot about that part...” He looked at the bags of gummy worms in his hands. “Then I guess I shouldn't have taken these from the supermarket over there.”
“That's not a supermarket! That's a candy factory!”
“Really? What's the difference? They're both big buildings with lots of food inside them.”
“Oh my god.” One minute with this kid, and Sarah felt like she had already aged ten years. “How did you even get here anyway?? Piltover is a long ways away from Bilgewater!”
“I, uh...” He looked even more embarrassed now as his foot drew more lines in the dirt and played tic tac toe with itself. “I kinda sneaked onto your ship before you left Bilgewater.”
“You stowed away on my ship?? Why??”
“I dunno... most people at Bilgewater aren't very nice to me, but you're always nice to me... and I just wanted to see where you were going...”
Sarah could not stop sighing as she scrubbed her face with her hands in frustration. “Look, you're a nice kid and all, but... Fizz! You don't sneak onto people's ships without asking! Especially MY ship. Got it??”
Fizz's huge liquid eyes were even more liquid now as he looked like he was about to cry. Sarah winced at the pitiful sight, regretting her harsh tone a little bit now. But god damn it, he was such a pain in the ass! He didn't mean any harm, of course, but he was just so freaking clueless! If someone could just take this little rascal under his wing and teach him about the ways of the human world -
An idea suddenly occurred to her. The best idea ever. No, this was more than just an idea. This was a revelation. Sarah was not a particularly religious person, but now she was sure of it. This was a divine gift from whatever deity or heavenly presence resided high above.
With a super warm and friendly smile, Sarah squatted down in front of Fizz and reached out to affectionately pat his big forehead. “It's okay, Fizz, everyone makes mistakes. You just happen to make a lot of them, that's all! I forgive you.”
Fizz looked up from his feet with a hopeful face. “Really? It's ok??”
“Of course it's ok!” Sarah then lightly coughed. “So, um, Fizz, I was wondering... where is your mom?”
“Uhhh.” Fizz sadly hung his head again. “I dunno where she went. She vanished along with my home city a couple years ago... I really miss her...”
“Oh, that's too bad, I'm so sorry to hear that!” A half-truth on Sarah's part as she quickly closed in on her quarry. “Say, Fizz, I have a great idea. Why don't you come live with me for a while?”
“Huh? Really??” Fizz's eyes lit up. “Can I really live with you??”
“Of course! You're a good kid, you just need someone who can teach you the ways of this crazy human world, that's all! Someone who will show you the ropes!”
“Wow, that would be AWESOME! Big Boob Lady, you really are the nicest person ever!!”
“Oh, and about that. Don't call me Big Boob Lady anymore. It's an apt description, I suppose, but it's not really how humans address each other.”
“Okay! What should I call you then, Big Boob Lady?”
Miss Fortune thought for a moment, then grinned wide. “Call me Mama Fortune from now on, okay?”
“Okay, Mama Fortune!” Fizz then spied something wriggling off in the distance, and he pounced upon it. A moment later, he held up a giant fuzzy wriggling caterpillar for Mama Fortune to recoil from. “Hey, look what I found! I wonder if it tastes like the worms in those bags!”
Her immaculately manicured hand smacked the caterpillar out of his light grip before he could put the larva in his mouth. “Rule number one, Fizz. Mama Fortune says that you should stop eating weird things off the ground.”
Fizz watched the caterpillar inch away. “Oh. Okay.”
She then held out her hand for him to latch onto. “Come on. I want you to meet a couple nice lady friends of mine.”
Fizz grabbed onto her fingers and started to swing their hands back and forth. “Cool! I like making friends! Do they have anything I can eat?”
“I don't think they do, but it's ok, I'll get you something at the supermarket later.”
And so they headed back to the candy factory together. A little fish kid and Sarah Fortune, the Bounty Hunter Babe of Bilgewater, the scourge of pirates everywhere, the quintessential bottom lane bully of the League, and now... hopefully a single mom.
The adoption paperwork was going to be a *****, but hey. Worth it.
END OF PART ONE
Pretty funny story, and you seem to be a pretty experienced writer from what I can tell. Great descriptions/transitions.
If I watched s.ex and the city (which I never have) I would imagine this is what it would be like. Too. much. girl. talk.
Very nice job though .
START OF PART TWO: ****ING VIKTOR
Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!
Despite the efforts of the sleek silver electronic alarm clock on the bedside table, nothing stirred within the darkened room...
Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!
Bzzt! Bzzt! SLAM.
A long white naked arm now stretched from bed to bedside table, ending with a lazy fist that rested loosely upon the silenced alarm clock. From within the depths of lumpy silken sheets, a loud sleepy groan issued forth. The fist lost its integrity, sinking onto the alarm clock as five splayed fingers.
Arm resting on alarm clock and foggy head dearly hoping that maybe today was daylight savings day, Sarah Fortune remained motionless for another couple minutes or so. Pillows so soft, blankets so warm. Their seductive touch implored her to cast aside her worries and obligations and to sleep in bliss...
No, no, had to get up. Things to do. Appointments to keep. Damn it all to heck.
Normally she would have come up with language harsher than “heck”, but now that she was raising a child, she was trying to clean up her language. So, with arms stretched out wide, she sat up with a big lackadaisical yawn, her satin pink sleep mask still plastered over her face. Still plagued with the languor of the drowsy, she dropped her arms and lolled her head to the side, smacking her lips a few times as she savored the last few moments of darkness and rest...
With a galvanizing grunt, she finally tossed aside the blankets, swung her legs out of the bed, and lurched facefirst into an awaiting bath robe...
The bathroom door swung open and a poofy-haired Sarah slowly and unsteadily walked in, her gait more reminiscent of a loitering zombie than her usual peppy self. With a flick of the wrist, the soft lighting came on and she called out in a raspy voice, “Fizz. Time to wake up.”
Her call was answered by a loud bubbly snore. Sarah sighed as she peered over the edge of her half-filled bathtub to see her blue little bugger half-submerged and still totally asleep. The sight of a child floating face down in water was normally an alarming one, but not in this case due to the amphibian boy's gills. As more bubbly snores continued to float up to the water's surface, she flickered the lights on and off repeatedly, hoping that the lightshow would suffice to awaken him. But alas, he continued to snore. Maybe she walked like a zombie in the mornings, but Fizz slept like the dead.
She grumbled as she squatted down to roll him over onto his back. “Wake up, Fizz, we need to get ready for our WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR FACE??”
Fizz had decided to tie his very own “sleep mask” over his eyes last night. Unfortunately for her, his “sleep mask” was not an actual sleep mask; it was one of her favorite brassieres. Each heavy cloth cup was fitted quite nicely over each of his eyes, and he had managed to secure the back's clasp somewhere behind his large ellipsoid head. Apparently Fizz had observed her habit of wearing a sleep mask to bed and decided to do the same thing with whatever he could get his grubby little hands on.
Some said that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. This was of small consolation to Miss Fortune, however, because she was becoming genuinely concerned about Fizz's propensity for wearing women's underwear. She had caught him the other day running around the house with a bra strapped over his chest (he claimed that he was simply emulating what Taric the Fabulous Gem Knight liked to wear in his spare time). Once she also found him hiding in a closet with a sheer stocking pulled over his head (he claimed that he was playing ninja and that he needed a mask like what Shen wore). He also used some of her garters last week to create a giant slingshot so he could fire himself over the backyard fence and into the neighbors' swimming pool.
It didn't help that today was the day that Social Services would be visiting to officially determine if she was a suitable and capable guardian for a foster child. She was on edge about the visit, well aware that she already had a strike or two against her due to her infamous reputation as a sultry bounty hunter. But now, a horrific vision crossed her mind as her imagination conjured up worst-case scenarios; she could just see Fizz flying out of another garter slingshot and propelling himself through the living room onto the Social Services worker's lap with a bra over his face and panties in each hand. Sarah had been infected by Malzahar's Malefic Visions before, and although the Void and its monstrous progeny were a terrifying prospect indeed, they still paled in comparison to the potential heartbreak of her losing her beloved little blue booger. Granted, he was a pain in the tush, but he was HER pain in the tush and not anybody else's! She'd be darned if someone was going to take him away from her!
First things first. She reached down and undid the bra from around his still-snorting head. Then she bent down to lift up one of his floppy ears and yell into the fleshy flap: “WAKE UP!!!!”
Fizz finally began to stir, and one of his eyes cracked open. “... huh... Mama?...”
Sarah couldn't help but dawwww for a moment at him calling her Mama, and she took a moment to rest her chin and forearms on the bathtub's edge, her green eyes unusually gentle as she watched his little pudgy hands rub his big black eyes open. But then she quickly composed herself. The little bugger was in trouble, and she wasn't going to let him cutsie his way out of this one. She promptly picked the sleepy fish boy up and out of the tub, carried his dripping rotund body to her adjoining bedroom, and set him down on the floor in front of her rich mahogany dresser.
“Good morning, Fizz!” She grabbed him by the cheeks and tugged his elastic face this way and that. “Wake up, sleepy head!”
The fish boy grimaced as he turned his head this way and that, his groggy hands ineffectually batting away at her in slow motion. “I'm awake, I'm awake!”
“Excellent!” She let go of his cheeks and pointed to her dresser. “Now, remember last week when I told you about the drawer you should never open?”
Fizz's grumpy face instantly turned guilty. “Uh oh.”
“Hmmm? What do you mean by, uh oh?”
“I, uh...” A sly look passed over his face, and he turned his head to watch her reaction as he slowly and intentionally extended a finger towards the wrong drawer. “You mean... this drawer?”
One look at her taut lips told him that she wasn't in the mood for any games, and he hung his head in penitence as he slowly moved his finger towards the correct drawer. Her undergarments drawer, to be exact. “Or maybe it was this one...”
“Yes, that one, Fizz. Remember what I told you? Big boys don't play with girls clothing. Only girls play with girls clothing.” She put her hands on her hips. “You're not a girl, are you?”
Her little barb prompted Fizz to hop up and down in vehement protest, his floppy ears spraying water all over her carpet. “No way, I'm not a girl! I'm a boy!”
She tilted her head skeptically. “Are you sure? I found you wearing girls clothing just now...”
“Yeah, but... that's different! Last night, I thought it would be neat if I wore a mask like you do when you sleep, so I just kinda... uh.... took a mask from your drawer...”
“If you want a sleep mask of your own, just ask me for one, and I'll get you one!”
“Yeah but I didn't think about it until last night, and I didn't want to wake you up...”
“Oh Jesus... fine.” She sighed as she plopped her rear end down next to him. “I'll let it go this time. But no more going through my special drawer!” Her forefinger sternly poked him on the nose. “If you do it again, young man, no Nutella for a week!”
Fizz's blue face blanched white in absolute petrified horror as he stared cross eyed at her forefinger. “No Nutella??”
“You heard me. No Nutella.”
He clapped his hands onto the top of his head in disbelief. Then, scrunching his eyes shut and frantically shaking his head, he began to stammer profusely. “I promise, I promise, I'll never open your special drawer ever again, I promise, I promise, I promise - ”
“Ok, you promised! Remember that, Fizz!” Sufficiently satisfied by his groveling, Sarah now grabbed a pink towel and, before he knew it, she was wiping his wet body down furiously. “Now stay still while I dry you off.”
He didn't stay still, of course, and he began to cackle and wriggle away from the invasive towel. “Stop it, it tickles, hahahaha, it tickles!”
“HERE COMES THE TICKLE MONSTER!!” Sarah cackled right back at him as she spun him round and round inside the towel, rigid fingers needling his armpits and ribs. “This is what you get for opening my drawer, you little booger!”
“Ahhahahahah!” The spastic fish boy fell to the floor in a heap, protecting himself the best he could from the unbearable tickle torture...
A few minutes later, a decidedly less enthusiastic Fizz stood glumly in front of Mama Fortune's body length mirror, tugging on the buttoned collar of a freshly ironed white silk shirt. “Do I hafta wear this, Mama? It feels itchy...”
Sarah ignored his complaining for the most part, used to his moaning and groaning whenever she made him wear clothes. Focusing mostly on the coconut butter skin lotion that she was applying to his ears and face, her eyes scoured his skin for any potential dry spots as she addressed Fizz's caterwauling with the practiced and no-nonsense tone of an elderly Ionian beautician.
“Yes, you have to wear these clothes, Fizz, just like when you go to school. You have to look nice for today's visitor, otherwise they are going to take you away from Mama Fortune. You don't want that now, do you?”
“No.” A mournful Fizz sagged in defeat as he stuffed his hands inside the pockets of his khaki slacks. “Fine...”
His ears pricked up at the faraway mechanical sound of the toaster's iron springs being released, and his nose wriggled as the scent of freshly toasted wheat bread wafted in from the kitchen. Formerly still body now wriggling this way and that once again, he shouted,“Toast's done! Oh boy oh boy oh boy can I go eat now??”
“Fine, you can - ”
He was off to the races as soon as her lips formed the letter F. The sound of bare feet skidding and sliding on the hardwood floors as he weaved his way through the hallways of her expansive and lavish home, it reminded her that she had yet to get him to wear socks. He simply could not stand the feel of cotton against his webbed toes. Whenever she forced a pair of socks and shoes onto him, she always found him minutes later hiding in an obscure corner of the house and shucking them off with an almost unconscious compulsiveness. Even threats to take away his beloved Nutella could not keep his socks on. It was then that she realized that the footwear thing just wasn't going to happen. An odd feeling for a woman who was so used to getting everything to go her way.
A few minutes later, he was sitting at the kitchen table and industriously spreading copious amounts of Nutella onto his toast with a butter knife. “Nutella is the best! This must be the food of the gods, huh! It's like chocolate butter or something!”
“Mmmm, something like that.” Sarah smiled from the kitchen island as she finished tossing together a giant crystal bowl of Caesar's salad. Most people didn't consider salad to fall under the category of breakfast foods, but she didn't give a flying fiddle about their opinions. One didn't get a fabulous body like hers by inhaling bacon and sausage links, and if she wanted to eat salad as part of her complete breakfast, she was going to eat some mother****ing salad.
Juggling two plates and two bowls within her arms, Sarah walked over to join Fizz at the table, setting down his plate of steak and eggs and his bowl of salad in front of him. Fizz's voracious appetite was a godsend when it came to making him eat his vegetables. Not exactly possessing the most discerning of palates in the first place, the fish boy had no problems wolfing down any greens she offered him. This made Sarah the envy of the neighborhood mom clique, actually, since pretty much all the other mothers had to practically beg their kids to eat their veggies. Whenever the moms got together at Sarah's to chat about their kids over tea and biscuits, they were always patting Fizz on the head and gushing about what a nice young gentleman he was... oh, if they only knew. If they only knew...
While the two ate breakfast together, Sarah's highest priority was to make sure that he was prepared and ready for the social services visit. “Now, Fizz, the social services worker will be here soon. Do you remember the three things I wanted you to focus on during the visit?”
Fizz swallowed down a forkful of scrambled eggs, then recited from memory: “Don't eat anything off the ground. Don't pick my nose. Don't mention that I wear girls clothing.”
“Good!” Sarah beamed as she stuck a slice of steak into her mouth and started to talk with her mouth full: “And once you sit down on a chair, don't move until the visit is over, okay? No jumping up and down, no hand stands, no somersaults off the chair, nothing of the sort.”
“Okay.” Fizz was not a stupid kid by any means, having scored very high on the aptitude tests prior to entering school, and he had a reasonable grasp on the gravity of the situation. “What if they want to take me away from you, though? Can we just run away and go live somewhere else?”
“They won't take you away from me,” Sarah said with firm lips and voice. “If push comes to shove, I'll break his fingers one by one until he agrees to let you stay with me.”
“Oh...” Fizz brightened up. “That sounds like fun! I've never broken someone's fingers before!”
She grinned. “It's not so bad once you get past all the screaming and cursing... you know what, how about I take you on one of my bounty hunts tomorrow? I'm sure you'll want to see what Mama does for her job!”
“Really?? Awesome!” Fizz started thrusting his little fists into the air in some sort of awkward shadow boxing routine. “I like to beat up bad guys too! Hyah hyah! This one time, this kraken tried to invade my home city and destroy everything, and I beat it up by going straight for the eyes with my trident!”
“Hahaha, a kraken??” Sarah outright laughed at her little boy's tall tale; there was no way her little booger had defeated one of those mythical monsters of the sea! That was something that only a champion of the League could do... but he sounded so earnest and serious that she decided to humor him anyway. “Tell me more about this kraken! It must have been a very big and scary monster, hmm?”
“Yeah, it was like twice the size of the biggest ship in Bilgewater, and it was ruining all of our seaweed fields! It was really cranky, too, it liked to knock over things for the heck of it! But krakens don't see stuff that well directly behind their heads, so I swum up really high, then dove down from behind him! He never saw it coming until it was too late! I stabbed him in the eye so many times, and he kept trying to grab me, but I'm way too fast to be caught by a silly kraken! He ended up shooting a bunch of ink and running away before I could permanently blind him!”
Big smile still plastered on her face, Sarah had to raise an eyebrow at that last little detail. Wait, how did he know about the vulnerabilities of a kraken? Could it be possible that there was an element of truth to his story? Come to think of it, for all of his troublemaking ways, blatant fibbing was something he never ever did. He was certainly prone to exaggeration and embellishment, but still....
Both of them froze at the sound of a loud knock at the front door. Then Sarah looked at her cell phone's clock in confusion. What the heck! Social Services wasn't supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes! Did the worker come early, perhaps?
“Finish your breakfast,” she told Fizz. “I'll get the door.”
She jumped up and quickly checked herself in the kitchen's body length mirror (being the vain woman that she was, she had a body length mirror in every room of the house). Today, she was not dressed like Sexy Vamp Miss Fortune. For this visit, she was House Mom Miss Fortune. Clear lip gloss instead of lip stick. Nail polish stripped off her fingers and toes. Loose and comfortable pink sweat pants and hoodie shirt instead of her usual skin tight garb. Went easy on the mascara today. Simple diamond studs in her ears instead of her usual giant golden loops...
She still thought she looked really freaking hot, of course. Just a different kind of hot for today. As she hustled to the front door, she hoped the social services worker would be a man. It was so much easier to manipulate men into doing whatever she wanted...
More knocking at the door. Actually, it was more like pounding than knocking, and she could hear the heavy oaken door reverberate as she neared it, the pounding was so violent. Ruuuude! What kind of Social Services worker knocked on a door like that?? Oh boy, she thought to herself. Incoming a-hole...
She shouted as cheerily as she could, “Hold on! Be right there!” Her indoor shoes screeched to a halt as she peered through the door's peep hole to get her first glimpse of the social services worker -
Her eyes bulged in horror and she pulled herself down and away from the peep hole as fast as she could. It was no social services worker! It was her ex-boyfriend Ezreal! What the **** was he doing here! Jesus christ, she didn't have time for this ****, he was going to ruin everything!
Forehead pressed against her door with her eyes closed, she muttered a series of foul-mouthed oaths under her breath that would have made even the most hardened sailor blush. Fervently hoping that he would just give up and go away...
“I know you're there, Sarah! Please, just open the door, I have to talk to you! It is of the utmost importance! Please, Sarah, open the door and hear me out!”
The sound of his nagging voice prompted a fresh round of venomous oaths from her muttering lips as she stood up and undid the locks to her front door with noisy anger. Having dated him for nearly a year, she knew that stubborn tone of voice. He wasn't going to go away. Not until she yelled at him to get off her doorstep, at least.
She threw open the door and thrust her head out like a striking snake as she hissed, “Ezreal, what are you doing here! How many times do I have to tell you, it's over between us - “
She stopped talking for a moment. Even as the name Ezreal left her lips, it rapidly dawned upon her that the man in front of her was not Ezreal. Or at least, he was not the Ezreal she had dated. The Ezreal she had dated was a young and pretty studmuffin with a dazzling carefree smile that never failed to make her heart flutter. This man, however, was far different in both looks and demeanor. For starters, he looked older. Much older. Maybe twenty years older? His body still looked to be a lean mean *** machine, but his once-smooth face now bore several lines of age and a shadow of unkempt blonde and grey stubble. He looked like he was thirty, but she guessed that this man was probably closer to forty. Ezreal was one of those guys who she always thought would age really well, and this guy, whoever he was, certainly fit the bill in that sense.
His youthful bedroom eyes were much harder now, no longer the quixotic eyes of a wayward adventurer with his head in the clouds. The once-fiery blue eyes were now deadened to a disturbing degree; they were the eyes of a man who had suffered more loss and grief than any man should ever have to bear...
Wow, Sarah thought to herself. What the hell happened to him! He was taking their recent break up a lot harder than she had expected... he wasn't here to go psycho on her, was he??
“Sarah, thank god I got to you in time!” Ezreal's face broke out into a huge smile that was undeniably happy and relieved. “I'm so glad to see you're safe!”
“Huh? Safe? Of course I'm safe! Nobody ****s with mother****ing Miss Fortune! Ezreal, what are you talking about??” She was utterly confused now by his words. The joy in his voice and eyes was unmistakably genuine and even worse was the way he gazed at her pretty pouting face. He obviously still cared for her. And that goddamn smile and those amazing eyes were making her weak in the knees again as a year full of memories suddenly came rushing back through her head...
No. NO. She found herself involuntarily drifting towards Runeterra's version of Justin Timberlake, and she stopped herself before she got sucked into the undertow. She had her reasons for breaking up with him and that was that. She wanted financial stability and, now that she had a mouth to feed, she also had to worry about Fizz's welfare and his college tuition. Every night, she promised to herself that, for Fizz's sake, she was not going to settle for anything less than a billionaire. And although Ezreal was well off, he was not a billionaire. End of story.
Sarah forced herself to take a small step back and away from those dangerously addictive eyes of his. So consumed was she by his newly-styled brand of grizzled hotness, she now realized that the rest of him was different too. He was wearing some weird metal suit and an eyepiece that reminded her more of Hextech augmentation than anything else, but the technology seemed far more sleek and advanced than anything she had ever seen...
He placed a concerned hand on her shoulder, which surprised her. She was even more surprised when she found herself not minding the sensation of his hand against her body...
His eyes turned into those of urgency. “Sarah, I am not the Ezreal you know! The Ezreal you know is the default skin Ezreal of present day! I, on the other hand, am Pulsefire Ezreal. I am from the future, and I've come back in time to warn you and your son of the grave danger you're in!”
“You're Pulsefire what?? From the future?? And Fizz?? What about Fizz?? Why is he in danger? Is the social services worker going to take him away from me??”
“No, no, the social services visit goes just fine! Don't worry about that stuff!” Pulsefire Ezreal's face darkened. “In the future, Sarah, the world has been overrun by the machines. Viktor has created an unstoppable army of hextech steel whose sole purpose is to rid the world of its organic impurities! Bilgewater, Piltover, Noxus, Ionia, Demacia, you name it! Every nation has fallen, and mankind has been forced to scatter and hide for survival...”
“****ing Viktor,” Sarah grumbled. “He's always the reason behind everything, isn't he?”
“Yes, he is... and he even managed to do the unthinkable. He did something which even Riot Games couldn't do.” Ezreal's face was dead serious now. “He deleted Teemo.”
Sarah's eyes flew open and a surge of unwelcome panic threw up from her stomach. She didn't know why, but she started calling out, “Fizz! Fiiiizzzz! Come here, honey boo boo! Come here where I can see you!”
“Huh?” Fizz skipped out into sight from the kitchen with more Nutella toast in his hands. “What's going on? Is he the Social Services guy?”
Sarah quickly walked over to pick him up in her arms. “Come here, Fizz, I think we might have a little problem...” While Fizz shrugged and continued to stuff his face with toast, she looked back to Ezreal. “I don't get it, what does all this have to do with Fizz??”
Pulsfire Ezreal's face was now doubly relieved to see the fish boy safe in her arms. “Hey, Fizz! Thank god you're safe! I had feared the worst!”
Fizz stared hard at the stranger he had never met before. “Mama Fortune said I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.”
Ezreal broke out into a grim chuckle. “It's good advice, Fizz. Listen to your mother.” He turned to address both Fizz and Sarah now. “You may find this hard to believe, Sarah, but your boy will grow up to become the leader of the Resistance against Viktor and his terrible army. Twenty years from now, Fizz Fortune will become the last and only hope for mankind as we know it.”
Sarah simply stood there, stupefied by the words coming out of Pulsefire Ezreal's mouth. Fizz, on his part, nonchalantly burped, licked his fingers clean of Nutella, then said, “Cool!”
END OF PART TWO
Oh my god! Viktor taking over the world? Fizz is the last hope of mankind? What am I even writing here!!! Stay tuned!!
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