Reign of Chaos-Darkness Descends

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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-21-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dzanio View Post
Response to segment 1:

Finally decided to look up this fan-fic of yours; going into it, it had better be good - I like some of the champions you’re using :P.

Initial comments: The voice of your writing is very passive; you’ll draw people in better if you describe what people are doing/feeling/observing in a more active voice. “Not one emotion he showed often,” is an interesting phrase, I’d have used “an” instead of “one.” Lots of passive voice… You can be active in the past if you stretch your mind a bit.

I have to admit I haven’t read bianca’s or Vudu’s in much detail, so I sort of feel left out reading the first two paragraphs – is anything going on between the two? If so it should be implied a bit more strongly.

When you switch to talking about Dante, it would really help if the story were told from Dante’s perspective, keeps the story flowing better. People like first person; third person omniscient is ok for some things (i.e. disembodied narration) but this is being told from the champion’s perspectives. The paragraph would work significantly better as a flashback. When you first mention helba you should probably mention she’s from the void, just in case someone reads this without reading the character backstories ahead of time. You mentioned “weak and fragmented,” when we were chatting earlier, but this entire paragraph is fragmented because it’s in the passive.

I’m not sure it’s appropriate to have Zilean sustaining the gap between dimensions – his chrono-displasia means he’s “absent-minded,” or more pointedly that he has no perception of the immediate time, and tends to get distracted easily. But then, maybe that’s why there’s this new issue w/ Helba.
If anything it should be Zilean who sees the future of darkness, since he’s the chronomage, and seeing the future is his backstory and vudu supporting the dimensions with his odd magic. Someone who deals with traversing the bridge between life and death should be an expert on the matter after all.

Paragraph 5: a catalyst is usually a physical object, rather than using some abstract ill-defined concept (Helba’s affairs), you should explicitly mention something that she’s made or acquired. The
Void Staff comes to mind. The villans in question would seem more sinister if the reader were given some clue as to why they were allied, or what they were up to (or had done together in the past, or why it is known that they are allied, as the nature of a shadow alliance is secrecy). There’s a lot of potential in this paragraph which is completely ignored. Honestly surprised Zed isn’t in here, seems more appropriate than some.

Paragraph 6; a good use for Zilean – This should be where he takes over care of the bridge from Vudu, while Vudu assembles a team. It would help create tension (and thus drive the plot) if you added some sort of time constraint, or severe penalty that Zil/Runeterra could face for summoning these great forces (i.e. throwing all of time out of alignment). Zil can’t manipulate the past, he can only see the future, and memories of what has come from his failures; that’s his curse (and thus fundamental character).

Heart of Darkness – unexplained, I see you have a note asking Bergmeister to explain; is this your mystery catalyst? What is it? If you know the name of something it follows that you must know something of its properties (or that you could employ Nasus to research it). Actually, Helba doesn’t show up here; is this even important to the plot? Why is it included?

Vudu’s response much reminiscent of Zil; completely out of character unless he’s quoting an indisposed chronomage. I would expect someone in tune w/ magic/balance/dimensions such as Vudu to know instinctively when and where Helba appears exactly when she traverses the dimensions, and thus allow for a speedy reaction to her presence, unless there was some intervening force.

I don’t think the Black Rose would associate w/ your shadow council; Leblanc wants to own the world, the council wants to destroy it from the sounds of things. They would actually be diametrically opposed (not to say Leblanc wouldn’t trick them into doing something for her of course).

So the Heart of Darkness is a euphemism for the end of the world? Simply naming it the site of the Apocalypse would make it more immediately identifiable to readers.

EDIT: I'll get to parts 2 and 3 tomorrow; it's late -- just going to get on the irc chat real quick to see how that works before bed.
lol so much is answered by reading rising tides man...


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Dzanio

Senior Member

02-21-2013

The questions asked above aren't questions which will keep a reader interested (or make them interested) in a story. The average reader will start your story, realize there are significant issues (or not know much backstory for say zil), not like the style, etc and leave the page.

At the very least you need to build suspense into the story somewhere; either regarding the catalyst, or the shadow council; somewhere. There is absolutely no reason to read this out of abject curiousity or even boredom.


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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-21-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dzanio View Post
The questions asked above aren't questions which will keep a reader interested (or make them interested) in a story. The average reader will start your story, realize there are significant issues (or not know much backstory for say zil), not like the style, etc and leave the page.

you realize this is a first draft right? i've yet to edit it?


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Dzanio

Senior Member

02-21-2013

:P the writer's defense. Criticism drives revision; I try to keep it positive, the above comment wasn't. Sorry.


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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-21-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dzanio View Post
:P the writer's defense. Criticism drives revision; I try to keep it positive, the above comment wasn't. Sorry.
it's fine

make sure your server is irc.ircstorm.net and you join /#ccf

you click server above the channel box in mibbit


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Dzanio

Senior Member

02-21-2013

Yeah, figured that out mr idler.


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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-22-2013

expect huge overhauls on both parts tomorrow thanks ~Moby


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BergMeister

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Senior Member

02-22-2013

if you need my assistance Ill make sure to pop in tonight.


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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-22-2013

if you could that would be swell


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Moby the White

Senior Member

02-22-2013

part one and two are editted first round... taking a break