How NOT to Play Every Role: A Complete Guide!

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Møgget

Senior Member

12-07-2012

Disclaimer: All statements below the line are meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic manner. Rather than following the advice below, I suggest you examine your gameplay; if you are doing any of these things, I suggest you stop. Now. Although most players will know that the tips below are bad tips, I still run into players every day who play like this. This guide is meant more for entertainment than anything, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to learn from it. Enjoy!

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Top Lane
• Only play top lane if you are the first to pick on your team. This will ensure you get the best top lane champion, which we all know is Darius.
• If you get Darius, the other team has no chance of winning, because you are unstoppable. They will surrender at 20 100% of the time.
• Because you are playing the god of top-laners, you should try to 1v1 the other top-laner as much as possible. Remember, never retreat.
• Even if the other champion kills you a lot, keep fighting them 1v1. The more they kill you, the more overconfident they become, and the easier you'll be able to defeat them.
• If you do die, blame it on the lag.
• Do not let your jungler gank your lane. They just want your kills!
• Do not buy wards. The jungler will be too afraid to ever gank you. Push the lane as much as you can.
• If your team asks for help, don't do it! They just want to steal your kills!
• In team fights, don't engage when the rest of your team does! You are the most valuable player on your team, so you should not risk dying. Instead, wait for your teammates to lower the health on all your opponents, then go in and get the kills with your ultimate.
• If, for some reason, the other team gets Darius before you, you should just dodge. The game is already lost.
• If you lose, blame it on the lag.

Mid Lane
• Your job is to farm. That is all.
• Don't pay attention to what the other mid-laner picks. Just pick whatever the heck you want to play.
• If the other mid-laner deals damage to you, ignore them. Your job is to farm, farm, farm!
• If the other mid player kills you, don't worry too much. They wasted valuable farming time to kill you.
• If your jungle tries to kill the opposing mid player, don't bother helping. You need to keep farming.
• If you've run out of minions in your lane, just leave and go to another. Better yet, kill the neutral creeps in the jungle, because everyone knows the jungler doesn't need them.
• Later in the game, don't stay with your team. Instead, go off alone where they won't steal your farm!
• Turrets don't give you as much gold or experience as a few waves of minions. Instead of helping your dumb teammates kill the turrets, you should keep farming.
• If you lose, just blame the jungler.

AD Carry
• Your job is to get the best score you possibly can.
• Because you're trying to get a good score, you should avoid death at ALL costs.
• Don't bother farming. Instead, rack up as many kills as possible.
• Your support is there to be your meat shield. That is all. Let them die, then finish off the opposing bottom lane players.
• Don't buy wards. Wards don't get you kills, silly!
• Do not be afraid of the enemy jungler. They are just providing you with more kills!
• In team fights, don't go in with the rest of your team. Remember, you should not die. Ever. No matter what. Wait for your team to deal as much damage as they can. When half of them are dead, go in and finish off as many opposing players as you can, without dying!
• Do not help your teammates destroy towers, slay the dragon, or fight Baron. All of those things could get you killed!
• If you lose, blame it on your support.

Support
• Your job is to get the items you need as quickly as possible so you can help your team better.
• Kill as many minions as possible. You need items as much as the AD carry, if not more!
• Try to get some of the kills. Don't just give them all to the carry: you need kills too!
• You don't deal as much damage as the carry, so you shouldn't start fights. Let the carry enter a fight before you.
• Never buy wards! You need to prioritize all of those awesome items you are building!
• Don't waste your mana on healing the AD carry. It's their fault for taking so much damage.
• Later in the game, you should be able to 1v2 or 1v3 the enemy team, because you have killed so many minions and bought so many cool items.
• If your teammates don't have cool items like you do, complain about this endlessly.
• If you lose, blame your entire team, especially the AD carry!

Jungler
• Your job is to be an undetectable, one-man killing machine.
• Don't pick a jungle champion based on what your teammates are playing. Instead, play the scariest looking champion you can find. Jungling is 100% intimidation!
• It's best to disconnect for the first 5 minutes of a game. That way, the enemy team won't even know you're there later on!
• Don't buy wards. Even placing a ward will tell the enemy team you've been there. They should not even be aware of your existence until it's too late!
• If you are going to gank a lane, never tell your teammate you are coming. Your teammate will start playing strangely, and the opponent will catch on.
• The best time to gank a lane is when your teammates are not there. That way, you can get all the kills and progress on your path to becoming a one-man killing machine!
• Try to stay behind in levels. This will scare the enemy team even more when you start killing them!
• If you get tired of killing minions, sneak into the enemy jungle. Pick a bush and wait there for 5-10 minutes. When someone walks by, attack!
• Later in the game, don't stay with your team. Go off by yourself so nobody knows where you are.
• Try to attack multiple members of the enemy team at once. More kills for you!
• If you lose, blame your entire team.