One Who is Whole(An ?OCxRiven? FanFic)

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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

12-05-2012

My biggest concern before actually reading is the fact that you are trying to insert YOURSELF into the story. The potential for Gary Stu is terrifying. It's hard to write about yourself being incapable in some situations or not being awesome. Understandable, but for writing.... pleasepleaseplease don't do it. Resist the temptation! The Dark Side is not worth it!

Edit: err.........this may sound kinda dumb, but why on earth would Riven attack a summoner to begin with? >.<


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

I think of it as Forceful Persuasion.

When you finish, let me know what you think


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

12-05-2012

I figured commenting on the plot itself would be an indication that I had read it. My apologies. I have read through it, and beyond what people above have mentioned in addition to my own opening comment, I have nothing else of value to add. I'd like to see chapter two to have a better idea of your writing and see if there's an actual plot other than guy, girl, meet, expand on journey to hook-up.


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

Thanks for letting me know! I appreciate it!

I've mentioned this before about inserting myself into it. I am going to give my honest opinion for this, and my physical representation as well. Name obviously is not my name, for sake of identification safety :P

If anyone has a problem with what I have wrote regarding Auron's reactions or Riven's for that matter, please tell me, I really want this to be genuine.

*STILL WORKING ON CHAPTER 2, HIT A ROAD BLOCK T_T*


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

Speaking of the plot, I have one set out, but you probably won't see it till chapter 3 tbh, I'm finding it hard to squeeze what is wanted into chapter 2 atm.


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

Chapter 2

Rising Glory

Riven slashed through the armored man in front of her, severing his body in half. Darius gave a last laugh, as Riven was bleeding profusely from taking the brunt of Darius’ axe. As Darius fell, so did Riven.

When she came back to lane, a voice came through to her mind, signaling her to wait in the brush nearby. With a snort, she obeyed, and stepped through. It seemed forever before Darius returned to the lane, his smug smile wiped off his face from a failed attempt at Baron just a minute before. Stepping into the brush met Darius with an enlarged glowing sword rushing at him. Darius unleashed everything he had to try and fight back, but Riven finished him off before he could even jump to try and finish her.

Victorious, she pushed her lane’s towers down with ease, as their jungler had died many times to her. Riven seemed sad though, as she pushed down the inhib before their team realized they were being diverted by Riven’s own team. With a final big fight, Riven was the only one left alive. She spoke, almost in a whisper to herself “So much death… At what cost?”

Striking the final blow, her team cheered loudly from the base, while her enemies groaned in disappointment. Midway through being teleported back, her summoner spoke to her. “So how does it feel, killing effortlessly?” Riven responded with silence, the summoner laughing in the background. Her eyes watered for a second, but she betrayed nothing to the one who controlled her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Auron controlled Darius towards Riven, his eyes locked on shutting her down. As he neared her, she dashed forward, and a blinding light stopped Darius from acting in retaliation. When he regained awareness, Darius spun in a wide circle. Riven’s armor became increasingly worn down, down to a point where Darius was ready to finish her. As Auron sent the message to decapitate her, Riven jumped in the air to try and finish Darius herself.

Both connected at the same time. Auron cursed profusely. Darius laughed at the exile, almost as if mocking her. Riven stood for a little longer than Darius, but she did not last long, as she fell over, death taking it’s course. Auron made a victory gesture silently, though he knew it wouldn’t last long, as his teammates were not doing so well.

Moving Darius down his lane, his teammates called for Baron, in hopes of turning this around. Eagerly, Auron ushered Darius to Baron, and initiated it. As their team began slowly dying, he realized they would not be able to finish Baron. Breaking off, they all ran off to their own lanes, demoralized at not being able to equalize the scales. Auron, not thinking straight, decided to walk into the bush nearby. A bright flash stopped Darius again.

“Not again!” Auron shouted out. This time, Riven’s sword had grown, and became more menacing. Realizing he wouldn’t be able to kill her, he tried to severely weaken her, in hopes of his teammates being near to finish her. Spinning, pulling, and attacking as fast as possible were not enough to finish her though. In a last ditch effort, Auron told Darius to jump and go for an early decapitation, but before he could jump, Darius fell down to his knees, and then to the ground, death taking over his body.

Auron sighed to himself. She was too good to kill anymore. As he concentrated on reviving Darius quickly, his teammates filled him in on their fight. “What of Riven? Where is she?” He finally asked, as their fight was slowed down to a crawl. His team looked at each other, and at the nearby map to find Riven.

When they finally noticed her, she had taken the inhibitor tower. Rushing quickly, Auron and his team rushed off to try and kill her, but at the cost of their own lives as well as Riven’s team. Strangely, Riven was the only one alive. She struck the nexus for the final hit, and it exploded quite loudly. Auron again cursed out loud, and began to return Darius to where he was.

Auron walked to his house late in the afternoon. He had stayed to review what had happened during the fight that he could of done better. Auron walked by Riven’s room in the process, and he contemplated knocking to congratulate her on winning, but as he was about to, a voice came from behind him.

“Are you sure you want to knock?” Frightened, he turned around quickly. Riven was staring intently at him, as if questioning why he was going to in the first place. “I thought I made it clear, I don’t want to see anybody.” She exclaimed loudly, with a slight bit of frustration in her voice.

Auron cleared his throat before answering. “Well, I was thinking of coming and congratulating on your win today…” He made a sheepish grin, in an attempt at hiding how scared he was just a second ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riven headed towards a private area set aside for champions. She wanted to try and forget what her summoner had said to her, though it echoed in her mind. “It felt terrible…” As if responding to it now would soothe her thoughts... Riven noticed there were no champions nearby, so she set about doing an old training regimen she used to calm herself before and after a big battle had taken place.

Finally relaxed, she headed home. It was pretty late already, and she felt like she had done nothing at all today. When she arrived at her room, she noticed a man standing at her door, thinking to himself. As he raised his hand to knock, Riven interrupted him sharply. “Are you sure you want to knock?” Riven noticed the man jump, and she glared at him, waiting for his answer. “I thought I made it clear, I don’t want to see anybody.”

“Well, I was thinking of coming and congratulating on your win today…” The man said. Who was he, and why does he even care to congratulate her. “So… Congratulations, I guess…” The man choked out, as he began to edge away from her towards the path. As he stepped into the moonlight, Riven realized who it was. The man’s figure was lean, and not very bulky at all. His hazel eyes drew her to his facial features. Short and dark hair characterized his head with a style that looked like he had pushed three fourths of the hair over to one side, and no facial features to be of notice. His legs seemed the strongest of him though, as if he had run away from something in his past many times over. On the side of his right forearm was a white wolf with the symbol of wisdom underneath it.

Riven stood their, confused as to why Auron had came to congratulate her, but she paid it no mind as she walked into her room to sleep the rest of the night away, but as she was about to find sleep’s embrace, a loud banging was heard from the door. Opening the door, a note was left on the ground. Picking it up, she read it out loud.

~Riven~

~Why do you even try to fix what you have done wrong? You are never going to be able to have redemption, your mind has learned to kill. It follows the path of death, and of which. You. Will follow. That Ionian will not be able to save you from what I have in store for you. Remember, I am always watching…~

She folded the unsigned letter and threw it with the others. She had been receiving threatening letters for about a month now, thought this was the first time it mentioned anyone other than herself. Sighing, she finally let sleep take over, and her hectic day was over…

Author's Note:

This went better than expected! I was able to incorporate a teaser for the main plot, and describe Auron (which I forgot in the first chapter, silly me) Chapter 2 felt a lot better to me than my first one, and hopefully you all agree Thanks for reading so far, and like always, Feedback is much appreciated!


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

12-05-2012

When people gave me feedback, I asked them to be brutal because dancing around the bush (lol) doesn't help anyone. Do you wish to have this same treatment? I never say "you suck" because that does not yield anything useful, for the record, but it doesn't mean I won't be critical.

I offer because I do care. You've been one of the fun ones on here :P


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

I want you to give your honest feedback. If that means saying I need to work on this this and this, I don't care, I want to know how it is! Now obviously, I don't want people cussing it out, or spelling it out in a rude manner, but honest feedback would be very welcome!


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Theamp4

Senior Member

12-05-2012

Le Bump


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

12-05-2012

What the hell? I wrote a giant response to this???
>___<
Alright, I'll try to recreate the post sometime tomorrow. I'm too tired to try again. Sorry for this.


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