What do you guys think of this poem?

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IRLDragon

Member

12-03-2012

For my lit class, I had to write a poem that serves as an allusion to one of the books we have read so far in the year. I chose to write about Crime and Punishment, so if you haven't read the book, you may not understand the meaning behind this poem. Still, I like to think I'm fairly good with poetry, and I think I did an okay job:


I walk across the frigid lane
A guilty spirit once again
Tormented by the haunting pain
Of meeting women with their end.

I wonder what I had to gain--
Or was it solely to defend
My heart's own desperate refrain
That I am one who may transcend

The barriers of human blame,
Of order, law and bitter shame
In man's eternal quest to tame
The sorrow in this horrid game?

Perhaps. But now, I know I'm wrong
For now I hear a mournful song
That guides me where I now belong
And tells me only "come along".


So... yeah. Thoughts?


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Umbasa

Senior Member

12-04-2012

really gay

brb need chik fil a


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Casus125

Senior Member

12-04-2012

Your rhyming really overpowered the message and felt forced.

Second stanza is your best IMO, but it could flow better.

Try less Dr. Seuss and more concrete imagery.

Have not read C&P.


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sammich kek

Senior Member

12-04-2012

yes


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IS1d69e2e5726f5f

Member

12-04-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ion Recovery View Post
really gay

brb need chik fil a
there's a chik fil a near me where the manager is a very devoted christian


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Casus125

Senior Member

12-04-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by oaktree View Post
there's a chik fil a near me where the manager is a very devoted christian
You should bring a jar filled with piss with a picture of Jesus in it while wearing a pentagram shirt and ask to speak with him about the content of his sandwiches while seductively stroking the jar.


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the flail

Senior Member

12-04-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Casus125 View Post
Your rhyming really overpowered the message and felt forced.

Second stanza is your best IMO, but it could flow better.

Try less Dr. Seuss and more concrete imagery.

Have not read C&P.

In a million ways, yes. Write what you're feeling, don't just search for a rhyme. less can be more.