[Champion Concept ver. 2.0] Shia, The Void's Timid Doppel

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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-06-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moby the White View Post
Lore 24.5/25 you need one word to make it complete... excellent work however much better

She reached out with her hands to scoop up some water
I think this sounds better
Ah, did not think of that. You are right, reading it out loud with the word "with" in there sounds more natural. It has been updated.


- Kat


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Moby the White

Senior Member

12-06-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by blackkat101 View Post
ah, did not think of that. You are right, reading it out loud with the word "with" in there sounds more natural. It has been updated.


- kat
24.9/25

there is probaly some minor stuff like comma usage that I am not catching or something so I will not claim it is perfect yet :P


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Tehrinite

Senior Member

12-07-2012

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Tehrinite

Senior Member

12-09-2012

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Katsuni

Senior Member

12-09-2012

Heihei, I said I'd gives yeu a review ^.^

I fully intend to do so! As I'm a little stretched for time and attention, it'll be broken into sections and I'll just update this post occasionally as I put in more stuff =3

For now, let's cover the lore, as I was rather interested in the statement that yeu even got an english professor to check it.




First and foremost, yeu've done a good job of capturing the character's essence. She has a personality, she has motivations and desires, and she has a reason for why she does whot she does. Yeu've described, to a degree, whot her powers are and why she has them, as well as her origins.

This is a great start, and it reads fairly easily, without any odd gaps and such during the flow. It doesn't overly speed up or drop to an awkwardly slow pace in any areas, except for the very end.

There are issues with the lore, however, but not too many. It's one of the best I've seen on here =3

First off, let us consider where she gained these desires for a relationship; early on she sees people with families and such, somehow, but we're not really sure how she notices these if people would be fearful of her. While this may not be her base nature, early exposure, soon after birth, would make sense. No big deal there.

Rather, the issue comes in from the perspective of how quickly it's glazed over that she has interest in such, without a true reason given to her. She sees other people having fun, but there's not enough there to make a deep seated impression within her.

I would advise having some of this edited out, and a personal connection added, such as perhaps her actually being able to speak with the child she first saw, and the child not caring. The child's parents assume she's an imaginary friend, then go berserk when she freaks out.

This is just one way to do it, but the point is to stress that she has actually felt these feelings of enjoyment of personal company. Perhaps she first ran landed in the forest and made her home there, and it's when she was at the river that she met the girl. This would explain the initial relationship, one which she may not have originally been seeking, but was thrust upon her as the girl tried to be HER friend first, and she found she liked the feeling of having one.

Until yeu know whot yeu lack, yeu can't regret lacking it, generally. If yeu haven't had friendship, yeu can't feel it's amiss, and even seeing other people with friends, isn't really potent enough since yeu don't truly understand whot yeu're missing.

Regardless, I'd mostly suggest on this part to emphasize that she gained a friend before she knew whot a friend was, then have her lose that friend by force, frustrating her, which would cause the doppleganger to emerge as a subconscious mirror of her desires.

From that point on, she can reclaim her friendship, and the whole feeling of betrayal and deceit, how she's now living a lie just to fit in with others nearby her. Yeu might even suggest having someone discover the truth, forcing her to leave her home, which would trigger the necessity to "fix" her problem. Technically, in this lore, she isn't at fault, it's the other people nearby who have preconceived notions of her appearance that are at fault, but the point is, she doesn't really have too pressing of a reason to bother leaving her home as it currently stands.

As such, something forces her to leave home; simply being found out, in this way, could do so. If yeu really want to force the matter that it's everyone BUT her who is at fault, then yeu could even have her be the one to drop the facade and explain the truth to her "friends", only to be ousted from the group, shunned and driven from her home once more.

That would truly stress that she's really the victim in this case, as well as emphasizing her mindset that she must find a way to conform to society's standards, because trying to get them to accept her for who she is was a failure.

Anyway, this is nice and all, but there's still a few more issues to deal with.

Next off, we have an issue with why she's in the league at all.

Alright, so she's powerful. That's great and all, but it's not enough.

To be blunt, the story provided doesn't really give her much reason to leave home at all, let alone join the league. Even if she'd heard about the league, there are better places to go. Several champions, for instance, have made pacts or deals with places such as Piltover's Academies or the Zaun Universities in order to find ways to get around these issues. Zilean, in particular, made a deal with the institute of war itself, because their summoners were the ones most acutely aware of the disease he suffers from, and the most likely to be able to cure him.

The point here, is that she needs a reason to really want to join the league in the first place; just going to the league and hoping it magically fixes everything isn't enough. Rather, yeu want to put a bit more focus on the concept that she somehow heard there may be a way to fix such, maybe some research being done in Piltover, or when she's run out of her home, assuming yeu go that route, she runs into someone such as a summoner, or another champion of the league, who's sympathetic to her cause (Kassadin may be an unlikely ally here, of all people) and suggests that by making a pact with the league, she may find the cure she seeks to meld her true form into that of whot she believes SHOULD be her true form.

Regardless, this is only half the problem with joining the league, however. Just showing up on their doorstep and saying "I WANNA TO FIGHT, LEMME IN!" doesn't really cut it. Yes, there are some champions in the game that already do this; they are bad examples of how the lore in the game's kind of taken a downward turn lately, so don't use them as counterexamples.

Anyway, whot I mean is that, alright, yeu want to join, but why should we let yeu? Whot makes yeu particularly fill the role of a "champion"? Whot makes yeu more special and unique than anyone else? Power is nice, but it's more than just about being powerful. Yeu may have yeur personal reasons for joining the league, but the league has to have a reason to accept yeu. Are yeu a well known, popular icon, such as Ashe or Jarvan IV? If not, there are other options... keep in mind that Shaco is only allowed in the league, simply because it's about the only time they know where he is, and can keep tabs on him so that he's not off killing someone he shouldn't. If he's in the league, he's at least not being a nuisance to society in the meantime.

For yeur particular champion here, Shia is a void creature, but one that isn't openly hostile, unlike the other examples provided so far. She might actually be quite an interesting find, someone they would want to talk to and study to prevent the potential war with the void that's threatening to occur at some point in the future. By having someone who's not just intimately familiar with the void, (Malzahar, Kassadin) but rather, someone who's actually FROM the void and willing to discuss matters at length, it could be quite an amicable solution to this problem.

She wants to become human (much in the same vein as Ahri), and the institute of war has every reason to want her to become so and cease being a creature of the void.

A few interviews with summoners from time to time, and a few matches to pay off the debt, and they may be more than willing to help her find this "cure" she seeks.

Regardless, it's an interesting lore, and I like the overall tone. I mostly just feel that there's a few areas that need to be expanded upon for information (try to keep it relatively short, the length yeu have now is fine, so I'd more so advise compressing the previous lore slightly), and to give her a greater reason to make the choices she has.

Right now, she's got a personality, but the story doesn't occur because of her personality as it is. Rather, she's blindly following a script written out for her, rather than actually making choices; the choices are made by the writer, and she just follows them because it's in the script. The script is based on her personality, so it sort of makes sense, but it's not enough information that, if she were an actual living, breathing individual, that she would actively make these choices, on her own, given the information she has to go on.

It's a tricky thing, working with character development. Yeu want her to reach this end goal of joining the league, because her body has caused others to hate her. The trick comes down to ensuring that she specifically wants to make these choices because they make sense to her, as a person, rather than just because she's following the script yeu laid out.

Yeu've done a good job of masking that script by having it be something that fits with her personality, but she's still a puppet that's being pulled by her strings. A few little changes to nudge her along her way, though, and she'll be acting of her own volition.

Anyway, I hope this helps yeu out a bit. I'll check back in on the abilities and such at a later date ^.^


EDIT: Oh, since a few others are describing the lore as a score out of 25... I'd say it's pretty much an 18 / 25 or so. It's currently better than much of whot's already in the game, but there's still significant room for improvement. It's a little forced, a little too scripted, she doesn't have much reason to want to desire friendship she's never tasted before, it doesn't really give a reason why she'd leave home once she does fit in, why she'd want to join the league instead of just going to Piltover, nor does it say why she's actually allowed to join. There's plenty of material to allow for this to be fixed, as I've stated so far, but it hasn't been taken care of yet so I can't give full marks from a literary standpoint.


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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-09-2012

Wonderfully detailed Katsuni. This will be very helpful and I will take it to heart. I will need to make a new PDF of what is currently posted (I like to keep each revision for reference) and then I'll get to work right away on attempting to improve the lore.

I cannot wait to hear what you think of the abilities. They can be a little complicated, but I hope it's all explained well. I shall let you know when the lore has been updated.


- Kat


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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-10-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katsuni
Until yeu know whot yeu lack, yeu can't regret lacking it, generally. If yeu haven't had friendship, yeu can't feel it's amiss, and even seeing other people with friends, isn't really potent enough since yeu don't truly understand whot yeu're missing.
I really should pay closer attention to the anime's I'm watching and games I'm playing. I just recalled after reading this a quote from a currently airing show.

From Ep 8 of Tonari no Kaibutsu, Shizuku and Yamaken are walking together in a school festival. After a series of events and a short conversation, Shizuku mentions that she has never felt lonely and she's always been alone in which Yamaken replies, "Idiot, you can't feel lonely if there's no one else around." Shizuku is of course surprised and actually a bit impressed and comments that Yamaken is actually quite smart.

I am working on a version of the lore with that in mind now.

I actually never thought about Shia meeting another champion, but you are right, it would be a much better way to introduce her to the League. I therefore took some closer looks at Kassadin, Malzahar, Kog'maw, Cho'gath and Kha'Zix (such as rereading their lore and verious trivia I could find on each).
~ On Cho'gath, Kog'maw, and Kha'zix, I cannot see a reason for Shia to meet them other than they are from all from the Void. So I don't think I'll be using them.
~ On Malzahar, I could see him trying to corrupt Shia and bring her to his side so that he may increase the Void army he seems to be amassing (as such he even is trying to get Kassadin to join his side). I'm not sure I'd head in this direction, but I could write a side story later with Malzahar attempting to do so as I'm sure he would after learning of Shia.
~ On Kassadin, he seems the best bet. As you mentioned, someone may take interest in Shia as she. while from the Void, has yet to cause problems and does not seem hostile. Kassadin, while having a great enmity toward those from and affected by the Void, he may approach Shia at first to destroy her to realize she's, at least at the moment, not a threat. He then may even help her find a way to grant her wish. A way he could test her if she really is a threat or not would be to have her join the League and help him fight against Malzahar and the other champions from the Void. If she could help him, he would believe her innocence and help her to become human.

Well, that's just my thought process at the moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katsuni
Technically, in this lore, she isn't at fault, it's the other people nearby who have preconceived notions of her appearance that are at fault
This is something I was going for. I would like Shia to remain innocent in this. She may feel she needs to change because of events that transpire, but I never imagined her to angry or loathing. She may not even hate what she is, but she wishes to be different than what she currently is so that she can fit in. She does not blame others even if they are the ones at fault, though she could come to be that way I guess if someone were to point it out (say Malzahar, perhaps Kassasin trying to help her become human before Malzahar can use that angle to fill her with hate and join his side for revenge?).



Anywho, back to school work first. Will have to continue to work on the lore again later.

- Kat


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Katsuni

Senior Member

12-10-2012

Yep, glad yeu're thinking it over =3

Personally, I'd almost hint that Kassadin may consider that, if she's got the power of the void, but isn't tainted by it, then it may be in her benefit to use that power to save those she cares about.

Perhaps she's not "driven out of town", but rather, a void creature is sent after her to reclaim her, and she's forced to show her true form to her home town in order to defend them. Kassadin shows up a short time later, after hearing about the conflict, and suggests that a dark tide is coming and she might want to hone her skills in the league to prepare for it, if she wants to continue to protect her loved ones. It could even be that her home recognizes her as being a hero, despite the malicious appearance after the reveal, and they agree and suggest she carry on to save others as they were, as it might be her calling or something.

I dunno, there's a lot of ways yeu could work with whot yeu have, and I can't honestly tell yeu which path to take, I can only point out a few and let yeu make yeur decision on yeur own =3


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Tehrinite

Senior Member

12-10-2012

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moltres27

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Senior Member

12-10-2012

Hey im the same guy who wrote Q's lore http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/....php?t=2883330

What according to You lacks in the story? i will work on language later besides that?


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