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Teemoapocalypse 2012

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(Day 2 added, the horror of Teemo's unsated bloodlust continues)
(Day 3: http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=2889369)

If you are reading this, then it is already too late. I am already dead.

War of the Mushroom
Day 1: The Blackfire Torch Rebellion

From a spore ridden letter found at the remains of the now deceased Headmistress Fiora.

It all started on the ending of a bright sunlit evening on the Crystal Scar. The blacksmiths were retiring their tools, quarry workers could be found at the windmill enjoying a cold, refreshing Lager, and the relics were shining with the reflection of dusks last rays of light.

One could say it was a day like any other normal day in the Scar. Though not without its problems, it was for the most part, peaceful. Now that I look back, I long for those times again. The times when the only worry was a passerby from a marauding Kass, or the occasional psychopath with a lamppost.

But that all changed in one night.

I was drinking a health pot and fitting my prospectors ring whilst retiring from a hard day of Armchair Warrioring at the Windmill. I passed by the brushes like any other day without a care in the world. That is when i saw it, a small furry animal with the cuteness of three My Little Ponies playing tag with three internet kitties; It was a goldmine sight for furries everywhere...and yet, I felt this creature also had the soul of a demon, combined with the soul of someone who drives below the speed limit in the left lane of the freeway.

I did not know what to think of this enigma of both cuteness and soulless witchcraft, so I ventured into the brush to satisfy my curiosity. In hindsight, perhaps this was the beginning of the end, for it was that moment I knew what horrors would be unleashed this day.

That is when it happened, when the world I knew was changed forever. The little animals' smile turned from that of an innocent newborn babe, to the grin of the devil and all of his demons playing the Organ with Davy Jones and a faciast robot overlord. The next moment I was viciously attacked by that creature of the 7th layer of the Voids abyss.

Scrambling for my life, I fled the bush in a frantic attempt to escape this tiny little hell-spawn. I ran fast and far; well, perhaps it was not that far...or very fast. I managed, through cunning, to give the little devil the slip. Then, it hit me, I had stumbled across one of the devils fungus bred monstrosities. The horror I felt at that moment was that of one about to be killed by a Noxian Guillotine.

I stumbled over my own feet trying to get away from that relic of the devils wrath. Bloodied, beaten, and moving at a crippling pace, I managed to evade that insatiable little hell-spawn once again. Then....

Another cloaked mushroom stood at my feet, its noxious fumes seeping into my already beaten body...I knew it was the end.

I am now writing this letter as I slowly die, there is nothing you can do for me...my health bar is nearly zero...The Scar will not go unscathed by this atrocity, this...TEEMOAPOCALYPSE. Not even the Holy Olaf can save me now. I see...a torch....its....fire..is.....Bl..a......................

Day 2: 50 Shades of Blinding Darts

".iss...ss, miss...., Mistress. Mistress can you hear me?" asked a masked stranger.

"Great, the afterlife is that kind of place." I whispered softly in a let down tone, truthfully though, I had hoped that the other world would be kinky.

"Mistress, are you ok?" asked the stranger. I nod in a come hither look so enticing, it would make an Ahri charm look like a Kog'maw vomiting.

"Thank the Malphite, the Swain, and the Holy Olaf you are ok. When we found your lifeless body under the remnants of one of those spore ridden monuments of death, we thought that you were done for. If Zilian hadn't found you at the last second and ulted you, you may well have been waiting to respawn." He said in a relieved tone. "I am Doctor Taric. I have been taking care of you since you were revived."

"Oh yes, please continue to take care of me Doctor." I wink at him with the lust of Corperate Mundo chasing a Sona after being shot by Heartseeker Vayne.

"Um, Mistress?" he asked.

"What is it you ambiguously masculine, handsome looking man?" I inquired sexily with the ravenous hunger of a six feasted Cho'Gath.

"I'm gay," he informed.

Damn, I knew it.

The next moment, a regal looking man slammed open the door and entered the room with 3 people behind him. It was the king of Demacia, Jarvin the Fourth, followed by two Noxian big-shots: Darius and Katerina, and... "DEEEEEEMACCCCCIA!!!!!!!" the forth person exclaimed as he barged in the clinic with an exceptionally loud tone, clad in exorbitantly large armor as if compensating for something... That one seems to have issues, so I'll just leave that particular person nameless.

"What can I do for you gentleman?" I inquired, with the glamor and sparkle of a Vayne stumbling across five enemies with one bar of health.

King Jarven replied, "We are at war Mistress. In a single night, an unknown force swept through the jungle area of the scar and massacred all champions stationed north of the southern speed shrine with a murderous intend exceeding that of a forum qq'er when he finds out that everyone else knows more than he does. To make matters worse all of those areas have also been mine-fielded by a strange fungal substance more toxic and volatile than anything we have yet to produce at Demacia R&D. The jungle is completely uninhabitable because the amount of damage these mushrooms do to ones health would have Karthus rolling in his grave."

"Hue." I interrupted. No seductive tone, it was really a godawful pun.

"Eh, em." Clearing his throat to continue. "Anyway, we got in contact with Riot's military division and they claimed that a new super-weapon had been "misplaced," in their recent patch. We are 99 percent certain that the beast you encountered now holds this destructive force." He gives his own weapon a closer inspection then comes on over to continue. "I wont sugar coat the situation, our lands are being wiped out faster than an an Ashe under a Tibbers. Nearly 20 percent of our tanky derps have been killed in these last 6 hours, and against an opponent with such superior firepower, the Force of Natures we received from Riot's Military division are as useless as Brand in a bath."

Jarvin steps over his toesies, while letting out a deep sigh. "All of Valoran is in danger of being overun by this unknown threat. If we don't stop it now, the Scar, no, the Rift and Treeline, all of Valoran will cease to exist. We heard that you survived an encounter with this beast that the natives are calling El Adorable Diablo Maou van Bringer of Chaos. We need to learn more so that we can muster a counteroffensive to this un-Demacian beast that threatens peace, and the freedom to scream our nations name loudly."

"I believe it was a Teemo, master," I replied with the allure that an enemy team has to a Lux spamming her laugh.

"A Tee...? Wait what, master?" he questioned.

Goddamn it you daft, yet fabulously handsome dolt. What I mean is that I want some nom nom nom!!!! ****ing **** goddamn hell!!!!...Forget it...it was a mistake to make a horror story have love elements, it always makes the story suck and the moral is always the same: "the story sucks and then someone dies, and that also sucks." Time to switch character. I take out my ruler, dress myself in my Headmistress clothing, and put on a deep foreign accent.

"Sir! Ze monster who most viciously attacket me vas ze little devil known as ze Teemo. I tried very hard to discipline him vith zis vruler, but it vas to no avail, ze mushrooms ver far too kaput, zat is to say, zey ver far too broken for anyvon army to take on," I answered.

Just then, the Holy Olaf and Veigar Graybeared barged into the clinic pronouncing in an ominous tone, "As was written long ago in The Book of PECS."

Where in the Holy Olaf's name do these people keep coming from? Wait, now that I think about it, something is even stranger. Two high up members of two enemy nations in the same room is incredibly suspicious...ok, I got it, I knew something was weird. "Vhy in ze name of ze Holy Olaf, who is standing vright zer, are you all holding Tiamats? Do I need to get zis vruler and show you some discipline?"

Just then, the Holy Olaf yelled. "In the name of myself!! GET DOWN!!!"

The next second, a Blinding Dart came rushing into the clinic from the window as fast and as furious as Lee Sin Q'ing Cho'gaths face. The wake of its devastation left the structure barely standing. I readjusted my sight after the shock-wave from the darts aftermath left me in vertigo.

Taking a moment to scan the room to see if everyone was alive, I found the darts target. Doctor Taric was laying on the floor, blinded, sitting in a pool of his own blood made a scene so horrifying, not even Vladamir would spam /laugh...I knew, he didn't have much time left, and there wasn't a Zilean for miles, Pootters was probably halfway to the enemies mid. Taric coughed. Writhing in agony as the poison set into his body. "Hang in zer doctor, I know ze Soraka."

He smiled, and whispered in a gasping tone, "No..*cough...since the nerfs, her healing isn't like it used to be. She's old, as am I *Cough, hack, Wheeze. The future of the Scar and the safety of it's denizens will be up to the derps that have come before, and the derps that will surely become the future. I know this goes against my mentor ZimikeLulu's teaching, but there's no place for supports like us in this war, I'm just glad...*cough...that i got to see Darius's ruggedly handsome face before I died...that...that is more than enough...enough to bring happiness before I die...*cough, cough....Gems....Gems, they are truly outrageous are they not? They are truly....truly......outr....a..."

"Doctor? DOCTOR!!!!!!!!".......

(The comments have spoken...the story will continue...soon. Keep your comments coming and i'll incorperate them in the story, this will keep me entertained while waiting for q's, and to vent pent up anger for this insufferable little ****.)

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The end of days is nigh! Repent! Repent!

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Carolina Blues



Hots for teacher Fiora has fallen, all is lost. The mushroom wars will doom us all.

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As Vayne the Dark Librarian gets off from work, she stumbled, or I should say Tumbled, onto an addiction. That certain addiction being a drug, she decided to eat it. Obviously, Vayne wasn't the smartest.

She could have made better decisions. However, everything about it was perfect: the smell and the colors and the design and even the taste. She that once avoided teemu at all costs, now loves to hug him. She that once carried teams in games, now only strives for a Shroom. Though it steals 50% of her hp with one dose, Vayne cannot resist.

And so some say the Teemopocalypse has begun. Some say it began in the dark ages. We do not know the exact date of when it happened; but, we, especially Vayne, know that we love it.

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As the miasma of a thousand exploding mushrooms settles upon the landsape, Teemo shall open his tiny mouth and sing the song that ends our world.

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Excerpt from a charred journal recently excavated from the ruins of the Crystal Scar


Day 8 of the Blackfire War

We're in a bad situation. We're running low on health relics, but there's no way we can go out for more. Not with them around. Jones had a Sweeper but he ran out of luck eventually - it takes one misstep and you're gone. The last couple of days have taken a toll on everyone; negatron cloaks only hold out so long against the radioactive ash storm that continually swirls around the Crystal Scar since the Blackfire War broke out. We're tired and some people are beginning to act weird, saying they're getting splitting headaches and seeing hallucinations - a bruiser? Those went extinct in the first 2 days...

Shh! What's that!? Oh Dear God, they've found us...



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Damn you people, you may yet convince me to buy that vile, vile rodent!

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...I tried to hold out, even the grave digger is holding the Blackfire Torch. I hope my comrades are fairing better to the north. I must warn them that our old armors are of little use. This miserable Blackfire winter...

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Alas, even the most hearty force of nature cannot withstand the vileness waylaid by the God-king of Yordles.

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Only Pooterss may save us now.