TMoDB Chapter 5~The Maven of the Strings(Garen X Sona)

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Frost Archer

Senior Member

11-14-2012

Hello! FrostArcher024 Reporting in! Ok, so thanks to the vast (0) amount of feed back I got from "The Mastery of Doran's Blade", I decided to let you guys directly at the mushy stuff. Most people seem to want love in the fan fics, not the glorious tales of battle and adventure. Well, fine. There you have it. This is only a preview of what might be going on in TMoDB. (If there are too many complaints, Garen may fall in love with Katarina again. But I wanted to try something new, and I love Sona! And feel sorry for her. No one writes about her since she can't talk. ) Anyway, please give me feed back. I want to serve you the best I can offer. If you stubbornly refuse to spend five minutes to write a review/critique, at least hand me a bone, like "good job" or "this part needs improving".
Ever hopeful,
FA024


Chapter 5 ~ The Maven of the Strings

A little bit about Sona before you meet her. An attractive woman, adopted by the Buvelle house, who can not speak. Or rather, not make any sound in general. She uses a mystical instrument, called an etwahl. Her music is almost as beautiful as she is. I have met her from time to time, when the Crowguard house meets with the other houses. She always seems to look at me funny. And she has blue hair.
__________________________________________________ _

Garen rushed to the Buvelle house, with Lux trailing behind. Soon, Garen's loud pounding echoed through the large manor. A couple minutes later, there was no reply.
Garen shifted uncomfortably.
“Maybe no one's home.” Lux said helpfully.
Then the door opened. Sona looked sleepy but when she saw Garen, she started to blush lightly. Quickly rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she opened the door wider, a open guesture for them to enter. She cocked her head at them as if to say what brings you here at this hour?
Lux looked at a clock and suddenly realized that it was already ten o'clock.
“Sorry to bother you. My brother has a proposal for you.” Lux said.
Sona suddenly blushed so deeply, that it took Lux exactly ten seconds to realize how that sounded.
“W-well,” Garen started “What my sister meant to say is that I would like to talk with you about something that has been on my mind for a while.”
Lux rolled her eyes. Yes Garen she thought she totally wont get the wrong idea from that.
Sona smiled faintly. She beckoned them to follow her upstairs. As they entered her room, Lux realized with a start that Garen was a full head and a half taller than either of the girls. She looked around. A simple room, furnished with only a bed, wardrobe and her etwahl. The bed looked like it had been recently used.
She must have been sleeping when we woke her Lux thought guiltily.
Sona looked back to see Garen walking in. Her eyes widened but she made no sound as he walked right into the doorframe.
As he fell back, Lux saw a nasty cut on his head which was starting to bruise. Dazed he stumbled and reached out, smashing a hole into the wall.
Sona quickly motioned for Lux to bring him in. The two girls struggled to hold him aloft and Garen kept on tripping over Sona's long robes. Finally, the two heaved him onto the bed. Dragging over her etwahl, Sona positioned his head on her lap. Then she started to strum a short aria on the etwahl.
Lux watched as the cut started to heal. Eventually, the bruise faded as well. Lux used her magic to fix the hole in the wall, then went to the bathroom to get a towel to clean up the blood on the doorframe. As Sona finished her aria, the blood on Garen's face flaked off and crumbled into dust. No one would have thought he had a serious injury earlier.
Garen opened his eyes. When he realized his situation, he bolted up, embarrassed. He rubbed his head.
“What happened? How did I suddenly get to the bed?”
Sona strummed a chord on her etwahl.
You hit your head on the doorframe. You might have suffered a minor concussion.
Garen spun to look at Sona, but she had not opened her mouth. Yet he swore he heard a woman speak to him.
Usually Sona signed with her hands, and people would get the idea what she was saying. If she needed to, she would sometimes write on a piece of paper. But a voice suddenly filled his head.
“Did you say that?” he asked.
She strummed another chord on her etwahl.
Yes.
“Whoa.” he breathed. “Look, I wanted to ask you, if there was any other way one could communicate without gestures, writing, and speaking.”
Well, I often use my etwahl, but the only other thing I can think of is telepathy.
“Why don't you use it?”
I have tried. But in order to communicate, I need to talk with another telepathic. You don't seem to know how to use magic so I can not talk with you that way.
“Can you teach me?”
Sona pursed her lips. She strummed on the etwahl again.
Have you been taught how to use mana?
Garen groaned. Sona gave a faint smile when she saw his shoulders slump.
It's okay. At least we can still talk this way.
Suddenly Sona tensed. She stared at Garen and started to play on the etwahl.
Listen carefully Garen Crownguard. I do not have much time. Luckily you came to this girl. I learned how to play the etwahl several years before I died. You must find out how to use the blade. Look for a man named Doran. He is the one who forged your blade. Free me from my curse. Oh no... they've found me. Hurry!
And with that, Sona's eyes lost focus and she fell forward. Garen snapped out of his shock. He quickly grabbed her before she hit the ground and eased her back on the bed. He gently put her head back on her pillow. He hovered over her, eyes full of concern. Sona's eyes slowly opened. She tilted her head questioningly. A cough came from the door. Garen and Sona looked up to see Lux leaning on the doorway.
“This is not what it looks like” Garen said weakly.
Lux wouldn't stop smiling.


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AerithRayne

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Senior Member

11-14-2012

For most people, this is essentially a wall of words, and that can be intimidating/make them not read. Try adding an extra space in between new paragraphs ("enter") to give an illusion that there is order to it (not that there isn't; just cosmetically speaking). Also, there are a lot of single lines that are treated as paragraphs. Try condensing things that belong together.

Lux rolled her eyes. Yes Garen she thought she totally wont get the wrong idea from that.
Sona smiled faintly. She beckoned them to follow her upstairs. As they entered her room, Lux realized with a start that Garen was a full head and a half taller than either of the girls. She looked around. A simple room, furnished with only a bed, wardrobe and her etwahl. The bed looked like it had been recently used.
She must have been sleeping when we woke her Lux thought guiltily.


That could actually be all one paragraph since the "speaker" never changed. I'm all for not have giant paragraphs, but having a new paragraph for each line may be crossing the line. And this applies to both threads.

That's just my take, though.


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Frost Archer

Senior Member

11-15-2012

Err. I actually did, Just when I copied it here, the format may have messed up. Sorry! Well with the spaces. Also, I think that some of the sentences were together. >.< I'll fix it later.

(I type it up in Neo office (for mac). That may have changed the formatting and caused the issue)
Thanks for the feed back! : )