Sprawled out on the ground, Caitlyn watched her target, tense, ready. The figure didn't move, apparently it was scribbling something down on a piece of paper. She knew she couldn't take any chances, for she was dealing with a renowned criminal, someone who was feared only second to Nocturne after the collapse of the League. Slowly, she loaded her Peacemaker, making no sound, then, lifting up the heavy rifle, she fired.
The figure froze as it heard the sound of the bullet, and tried to turn around before the Peacemaker sliced through its body. Triumphantly, Caitlyn stood up, and walked over to the figure. Picking up the note, her name was scrawled on the top. Lifting up the figure, she turned the Demon Jester over so she could see the faded smile on his face. But, the Demon Jester wasn't staring at her, smile fading as it should be. Instead, she looked in horror as she realized who she killed. Backing away, she started muttering something under her breath, then screamed as she ran away. Behind her, Shaco started laughing as he stood over the bloody body of her mother, laughing in only the way a clown could.
Gasping, Caitlyn woke up, then looked around, fearing to see the sight of blood, of darkness, and of the path never ending. Cursing, she kicked over the chair near her desk. The chair impacted with the desk, sending files and papers flying everywhere. Sinking down against the wall next to her bed, she started shivering. She wondered if things would’ve gone differently if they’ve lost. The consequences were insoluble, and the sheer power of the forces unleashed would eventually destroy the world they lived in. Slamming her fist against the wall in a weak fit of anger, Caitlyn remembered the day that had shattered her world.
After finishing off Nocturne, Caitlyn started racing out of the pool of Baron Nashor. Smirking to herself, she started running to the enemy nexus, where Ashe was about to finish the game. Ashe, pulling back her bow, let the arrow fly, piercing the head of the purple nexus. Immediately, the sky went dark, and a rupture of spines impaled the summoners on both teams. Without the summoners to bind them, the champions started warping out immediately, leaving the summoners defenseless. Caitlyn’s summoner was still alive, though she knew he wouldn’t live for long. Caitlyn could only watch, frozen, her rifle lowering to the ground, and it dropped, with a small clang at her feet. Shaco, smiling, took the shattered fragment, and revealed to her that it was Nocturne's prison. During the match, Shaco met with Nocturne and promised him his freedom, in return for power. Replacing part of the nexus for his shard, he manipulated Ashe into destroyed it, unleashing Nocturne and setting him free.
Nocturne had freed his allies from confinement, as they started to make short work of the resistance. As the skies darkened with Nocturne's passing, the shouts inside were only silenced as the Butcher of the Sands went on his work, scaly skin covered with their blood. A group of summoners tried to suppress him, only to be incinerated in a gout of fire by Brand, who was finally free, and walked off in search of more victims. Cho'Gath had impaled the summoners, and now set upon wreaking the Institute of War with his huge claws, eating any summoner who tried to escape, ugly red maw howling in delight. Those who teleported within the max range of their power found themselves in a land of acid, where they screamed before slowly succumbing to their wounds. Kog'Maw continued spitting his acid in the rune made, following orders from Malzahar to continue soaking the earth. A resistance of summoners, with the High Summoner at their head, unleashed legions of super minions, whereupon Kha‘zix leapt upon the minions, tearing them apart with his claws. Finally, as they tried to run, the crows descended, and uttered bloodcurdling cries as they tore the summoners apart, the Harbinger of Doom watching his pets feast. The destruction only seemed to fuel Shaco's smile, and he stabbed the heart of Caitlyn’s dying summoner, all the while smiling as she was released back to her home.
All the city-states and areas in the world started erupting in war, in a struggle for power and territory. Without the League to keep them in place, the city-states had no reason to keep peace with their rivals. Caitlyn recalled the dream, a neutral expression on her face. The Demon Jester made illusions, he twisted the mind. But killing her mother due to trickery was not an illusion, and definitely not a dream. Taking up her rifle, she loaded a Peacekeeper; she would hunt down and kill Shaco, for the broken world he made, which many scrambled to try rebuilding.
Sorry if the writing seems rugged or unskilled, first attempt at writing a fan fiction or writing anything other than school essays. If you have any suggestions or criticism, please tell, or, if you want a champion to pop up, I will try my best to include him/her/it in the story.
This may seem harsh, but I promise these words are said in an effort to help you improve. So, DISCLAIMER: I'M NOT BEING MEAN!
Hopefully that was understood. To begin, you tend to have a lot of run-on sentences.
She knew she couldn't take any chances, she was dealing with a renowned criminal, someone who was feared only second the the Unbound after the collapse of the League.
Take this sentence for example. Perhaps saying "She knew she couldn't take any chances, for she was dealing..." The "for" in the sentences acts as a conjunction, linking your two thoughts together. A comma alone can't do it.
Second, I don't quite grasp what "someone who was feared only second the Unbound after the collapse of the League" means. Is there a word missing? I don't need to know about the "Unbound" (though your second post attempts to answer that). So, a huge recommendation is to write your work in a program like Microsoft Word where you can spell- and grammar-check your work. If you want people to read your work, it kinda has to make sense.
The figure didn't move, it seemed to be writing, a note, it seemed.
Forgive me, but that was pretty redundant. Perhaps use the word "apparently" or just take out the last "it seemed."
But, instead, the Demon Jester wasn't there. Instead, she looked in horror as she realized who she killed.
Two insteads back-to-back aren't really recommended. I know you've got a great vocabulary, so let's put it to work to try and rephrase some of this
Things, demons that could control the mind, things that were unleashed after the fall of the league.
I don't quite understand where you are trying to go with this. I'm sorry
Smirking to herself, she recalls fondly on the won team fight,...
If you can help it, try to keep your tenses in check. Most of your work has been in past tense, and here you suddenly shift to present.
Replacing part of the nexus for his shard, Ashe destroyed it, unleashing Nocturne and setting him free.
I realize what you are trying to say here, but perhaps it can be reworded? For those maybe not following along as well, they may think Ashe replaced part of the nexus, which is confusing.
All the city-states and areas in the world started erupting in war. Without the League to keep them in place, the city-states had no reason to continue war upon their rivals.
Err... the city-states erupted in wars, but without the League, they had no reason to war with each other...?
The Demon Jester makes illusions, he twists the mind.
Another accidental tense shift.
But, her killing her mother due to trickery was not an illusion, and definitely not a dream.
I think you could take out the first her and leave it as "But killing her mother...."
Phew. Now that the worst part is over, if you don't hate me now, then I thank you dearly. I pointed these things out only to assist. Now that the individual parts have been poked out, now for the content itself. I've always liked the "doomsday" at the League, for it seems like they are just a step away from something like becoming a reality (...err, hypothetical reality since they don't actually exist XD). I can see that Shaco had a major hand in shaping these events, and setting Ashe up to deal the final blow seems very much in his character. Your raw idea is good; only your execution needs more work, but that comes with practice, so no worries.
My greatest sadness comes from the fact that this is rather short. The fall of the League could have been a grandiose and epic (length-wise) chapter but it was reduced to a single paragraph. I do admit that perhaps that is no the main focus of the story, but it could have been expanded upon a bit. Maybe I just like doom too much, which is incredibly plausible. But other than that, I do hope your chapters soon take on more substance so you have more material to work with.
I wish you the absolute best with your writing of this story. Keep up the good work!
Here is a Happy Hippo to keep your company.
Thanks again for the suggestions, which I have incorporated, and please, keep on critiquing the story, since I have no idea how to do this :P
Walking along the flat ground, Caitlyn started to ready her rifle; she was uneasy, she felt watched by unknown presences. Knowing Shaco could assault her at any moment, she had to be wary of everything she saw, everything she heard. The rustling of a nearby bush caught her attention, and she fired a quick bullet into a brush. A lone rabbit dashed out of the bush, diving farther into the forest at Caitlyn’s right. Calming herself down, she started to load another bullet, knowing she had to be ready for anything. One thing the sheriff didn’t anticipate, however, was the knife that knocked the rifle out of her hands, and the ghostly white hands that grasped it. For the second time that week, she was directly staring into the smiling face of Shaco. This time, she was disarmed, and without her rifle, she had no way to defend herself. Shaco only flung the rifle behind him, and drew two knives that were dripping with venom.
Quickly, Caitlyn ducked, avoiding the swipe of one of the deadly knives, then leaped backwards, she drew a police officer’s baton. Instinctively Caitlyn dodged the laser that shot from behind her, dispatching of the box before refocusing on her foe. To her mild surprise, he wasn’t there, immediately she started scanning the surrounding area. The sound of swinging had her quickly turn around, seeing a knife move for her head. Ducking from the knife swing, she kicked one of the knives from Shaco’s hands, and then swung the baton, cracking into the jester’s skull. Springing backwards, she took her gun and as Shaco chased after her, shot him directly in the head. A barrage of knives shot out from his body, quickly impaling themselves into Caitlyn’s flesh. Knocked off her feet, she collided with a nearby tree. Shaking, she started drawing the knives out of her skin, cursing herself for not being more wary of Shaco’s clone. As soon as she pulled the first knife out, she felt the sensation of a knife buried into her back. Shaco drew the knife out, cleaning the blood off and walking away, leaving the sheriff to die of her wounds.
*clink* The glass crashed on the counter, empty and partially cracked. Twisted Fate idly ordered another glass of Graggy Ice. Sighing; he started drinking the glass, before slamming that onto the counter. Straightening up in his seat, he rose and left the bar. The world had turned since the collapse of the League. Skullduggery, bandits, and thieves were in high numbers, threatening the small, uncharted village he lived in. Twisted Fate could never stay in the same place at one time, knowing that Graves or Caitlyn would love to kill him. Graves, for believing Twisted Fate had betrayed him. True, he may have been a bit power hungry, but he did it in the mindset of a trickster. He meant to soon utilize his powers to break Graves out of the cell he occupied, but before he could do so, Graves broke out on his own accord. Blaming Twisted Fate for his troubles, Graves started hunting him down. As for Caitlyn, Twisted Fate didn’t know WHAT was wrong with her. She seemed to hate the way he lived in order to survive, and hated his morality. To be honest, it seemed she hated everything about him, and every time we found himself against her in the previous Fields, she always wanted to lane against him, trying to pierce his head with the bullet she called the “Peacemaker.”
Luckily, Twisted Fate could spy upon either one of them whenever he wanted to, and always teleport away. Deciding he would do so now, he cast Destiny to spy upon Graves. Graves, in the dead of the night, was walking towards the village Twisted Fate occupied, wearing a heavy gray cloak. He didn’t know that Twisted Fate could teleport whenever he wanted to. The summoners forced him to limit his teleport so he wouldn’t be “too overpowered” in comparison to the other champions. Graves, noticing the eye above his head, cursed, and sprinted to the village. Smirking, Twisted Fate knew he had a mile to go, and before teleporting, she decided to spy on Caitlyn too, just to make sure she wasn’t in a place he was planning to teleport to. What he expected to find was a sleeping sheriff, worn out by the day’s duties and sleeping comfortably in a bed. Instead, he came upon the gruesome sight of Caitlyn covered in blood, gashes from knives all over her arms and legs, another wound in her back. Cursing, he immediately teleported next to her to investigate further. First, he checked her pulse, not good; she was alive, but only barely. Lifting her head up, he slipped a health potion into her mouth. While the wounds were closing up, he walked around the scene, finding a hail of knives around the area, some of them covered with blood. The sheriff had evidently pulled out all of the knives in her body. Probably about to wrap her wounds in gauze before she passed out. Idiot’s lucky she’s alive. Twisted Fate thought, starting to carry her, rifle and hat, and teleported to a swamp. Smiling, he set her down, and could hardly contain his laughter as he teleported away, knowing she would receive an unpleasant surprise when she woke up.
“Ugh…” Waking up, Caitlyn felt a bit worse for wear, and started to sit up from her bed- her bed? This was definitely not her bed; instead, she was lying in a pile of moss in a swamp. Instantly waking up, she inspected her wounds, most of which had closed up. She gingerly felt her back, where she could only remember an extremely excruciating feeling, the wound had closed up, but only partially, she rest was clotted. Standing up, she started investigating her surroundings, and knew she was not anywhere near where she had been when she fought Shaco. Focusing her mind, she thought of how she may have ended up here. Shaco? No, he was definitely not the person who carried her to a distant swamp. Then, the answer instantly snapped into her mind. Twisted Fate. He had used his eye of Destiny constantly to make sure he wasn’t in any danger. Of course, there was an unfortunate case of him using Destiny when she was in the shower, which attributed to her hate of the creep.
People who sold their friends, even in crime, were scum in her book. Twisted Fate sold Graves out for power, and didn’t even attempt to help his friend break out of the hell of a cell he lived in. Of course, Caitlyn would’ve hated him either way, but the act of betraying a friend was utterly disgusting to her. Though, in truth, she never really had anyone she could call a “friend”. Most of the other champions paid only small amounts of attention to her, and even then only when she was on their team. The only other person in Piltover was constantly exploring, and never took any time to do anything in Piltover except search musty old tomes for information on Icathia. The other inhabitants were yordles, and they only wanted to talk about mechanics and machines. They offered on many occasions to improve Caitlyn’s rifle, which is how she had the Net Augment, but many times she had refused them. Her refusal was on the grounds that her rifle was sacred to her, and to change it any further would be to lose the only part of her father she knew.
Recalling life in Piltover brought a small pang to Caitlyn, and she started walking around, searching for a way out of the swamp, cursing Twisted Fate as she did so. While walking, she had to duck to avoid the heavy stone club from crushing her skull. Rolling forward, she shot a net to the source of the noise, trapping a very irritated Trundle to a tree. Roaring out in anger, the troll bit through the net and brought up a pillar covered with slime directly beneath Caitlyn. Slipping off the pillar, she got off a Peacemaker shot before crashing down to the swamp floor. Immediately, Trundle was upon her, and swung his club again. Ducking, she drew her baton and slammed it against his face, causing him to growl in frustration, as he kicked her away from him. The full impact of what Twisted Fate did astonished her- he was trying to have her killed. True, he could have just dropped her at Mordekaiser’s front door, or drop kicked her into the Void, or just avoid moving her in the first place. Instead, he decided to heal her and letting her die an ignominious death at the hands of Trundle. Raising her rifle in the way a baseball batter does, she slammed the stock into the troll’s body, causing him to finally collapse under the force of the blow. Collapsing herself, she had to regulate her breathing, and now noticed she had no wounds on her, but that she had completely beaten Trundle without a scratch. Picking up her hat that was dropped from the fall at the pillar, Caitlyn aimed the rifle at Trundle’s head and fired. Thugs and ruffians had no right to live, especially after what Caitlyn had already endured.
If I was dead, I would never forgive myself :P
Normally, Caitlyn’s aim was immaculate, this time however, veered off it’s intended course and hit Trundle in his stomach. Groaning, the troll bent over, his skin instantly regenerating the hole in his stomach. Disgusted, Caitlyn watched his skin slough off, and then renew itself in different places. Resolving to end it, she raised her rifle for a second shot. Before she could fire, a small projectile slammed into her, knocking her to the ground. Instantly, she was up on her feet again, and inspected the projectile. The projectile was a card, with a gold symbol on it’s cover.
“We can’t have that, now, can we?” The voice of Twisted Fate rang out as he dropped from a nearby tree. He had another card at her throat as she had the rifle at his head.
“Didn’t think you would climb out of your little rat hole. What caused the change of heart, Twisted Fate?” Caitlyn was at a stalemate; if she fired her rifle, Twisted Fate would easily slash her throat. She couldn’t risk death, not when Shaco still hadn’t paid.
“Don’t worry your pretty little head over it; I have a bit of a proposition for you, if you‘ll accept it, I promise Shaco won‘t bother you again.” Twisted Fate’s eyes were hidden by his hat, and made it hard to tell if he was being genuine or not. “First thing’s first, though, wake up the troll. He’ll be a good meat shield later on.” Drawing his card away, he jumped backwards into the brush to avoid risk of being shot. Lowering her rifle slightly, Caitlyn jammed the side of the rifle in Trundle’s side, waking up the troll, albeit painfully.
Grunting, Trundle rose up, taking in his current surroundings. The very scary and threatening woman was right in front of him, yelling at him to get up. Scared out of his wits, he quickly complied. White skin man walked out from the surrounding brush and explained something to her, causing her to tense a bit. Her eyes hardened with determination, she jerked Trundle up with one hand. Scared by gun woman, he started running away, just to have a golden hammer smash into his face. Angrily, he parried another blow and roared, biting the small blue hamster in front of him. Yelping in pain, the hamster drove her shield in front of her and bashed him, driving him to a nearby tree. By the time he could shake off the confusion from his head, the white skin man hit the hamster with a golden card.
“Didn’t actually think they were that addicted to them.” Caitlyn picked up the struggling Poppy, who was squirming and trying to reach the cupcake Caitlyn held at the other hand.
“To think she would actually attack Trundle for stepping on one of the cupcakes I laid out.” Shaking her head, she plopped the yordle to the ground, shoving the cupcake into her grubby little hands. “Think we have enough people to take them on? I’m pretty sure Poppy will join.” Explaining the situation to Poppy, who knew nothing of the fall of the League due to very low summoning rates, she asked Poppy for her help. Nodding, Poppy was silent as she continued munching on the cupcake. Caitlyn leaned back onto a tree trunk as she just digested what had happened in the past hour. Now, she was allied with Twisted Fate, Trundle, and Poppy. Definitely not her choice of teammates to try to save the world. Then again, their help was appreciated. Still, she couldn’t completely trust Twisted Fate, no matter what excuses he brought up. She knew that Twisted Fate had a way of being tricky, and escaping situations he didn’t like being in. To put it bluntly, he’s a coward, and if a sticky situation came up he would just run away. Before he could ditch them, she would shoot him down like the rat he was. Anticipating the day she would kill both Shaco and Twisted Fate, her fingers twitched on her rifle.
Nocturne was poring over files when Shaco entered, wearing the same smile he always wore. Although Shaco was instrumental in the destruction of the League, he noticed that Shaco was a bit more distracted then he used to be. At times, beneath the smile, Nocturne could swear he was deep in thought about something. Often, Shaco asked to see through the Eye, an article they salvaged from the League. Using their battlefield technology, they forced Heimerdinger to create a machine that would allow them to see the entire world. After he created it, Heimerdinger was immediately executed, and his body was cast off to the side as Shaco peered into the ball. Expecting to see the body of his latest victim, Shaco looked at the outskirts of Piltover. Instead of a dead sheriff’s body, he saw a bloodied tree, the fields still littered with knives. His smile, for a millionth of a second, faltered. He never failed to kill anyone. Nocturne knew that Shaco’s failure to kill Caitlyn was occupying his thoughts. He knew that, after avoiding death, Caitlyn would stop. She would continue hunting down Shaco, and perhaps with reinforcements. Readying up for the moment, they threw Syndra out of her castle, claiming the castle as their own. Remodeling the entire castles, they divided it into a system where challengers would have to fight through all of those who swore allegiance to Nocturne before they could fight him. Nocturne glared at one of the files that was handed to him. This file was about the death of Malzahar at the hands of Kassadin. This would have normally been a very inconsequential loss, but he knew that Kog’Maw, who was bound to Malzahar, was now free, roaming the world and spreading chaos. The bad news was that Kog’Maw could be easily influenced to a different side. However, that was a worst case scenario. Throwing the file to the side, Nocturne started to read another report.
The wailing immediately caught Caitlyn’s attention and she turned her rifle, searching for the source of the noise. Kog’Maw raced out of the nearby area, roaring out in rage. Seeing Caitlyn, the abomination licked his demonic lips with his horror of a tongue. Spewing acid, the projectiles buried themselves at the place Caitlyn once stood. Caitlyn analyzed the situation she was in; Twisted Fate had gone out to nearby taverns to scrounge information, Trundle had gone god who knows where, and Poppy was out hunting. Realizing she was alone in this, she fired off a capsule that broke open, expanding into a net. Before the net could hit its intended target, the monster spit into the middle of it, and the net flew harmlessly past him. Caitlyn fired off round after round, running side to side as she did so. The monster spit out a ball of congealed acid, making the path Caitlyn was running on extremely sticky. Yelling out, she fired another net, using the recoil to escape the slimy mass. Unlike in the league, Kog’Maw’s limits weren’t in effect, as he fired mass after mass of coagulated acid into the air, exploding into the ground. Yelling a war cry, Trundle bounded into the battle, letting Kog’Maw taste stone. Kog’Maw, his attention diverted, spat at the stone club, and the stone slowly dissolved. Trundle, summoning a pillar, caught Kog’Maw and flew him into the air. Setting her rifle in her right hand, she lined up the perfect shot on the creature, and then fired. The large bullet hit Kog’Maw midair and he fell in an inglorious heap near Trundle.
The monster slowly backed away, still alive, and started wailing. Poppy jumped out from the brush and slammed her hammer into the side of it’s head. Kog’Maw promptly kicked her, and ran towards Caitlyn. Unprepared, Caitlyn prepared for the creature’s acid assault, but instead, the creature started looking up at her expectantly.
“It’s mistaking your clothing for Malzahar’s robes. The reason it attacked you was because it wanted to make sure of your power. Now, I’m sure it’ll follow you.” Twisted Fate walked out from the nearby forest, watching Caitlyn as he did so.
“You seem to conveniently come right at the end of a battle.” Caitlyn retorted, inspecting her wounds. The only visible ones were on her legs and fingers, both of which had scorching acid marks. Looking down at Kog’Maw, she resisted the sudden urge to kick it. Instead, she reached into a nearby bag and dragged out a health potion, which she drank to the last drop.
“Hey, those things are expensive; it’s a pain that rabbits around here don’t generate gold.” Twisted Fate looked into the bag, the provisions left were as follows: six bottles of water, three health potions, five of each elixir, two green wards, one pink ward, several strips of beef jerky, and a half eaten rock. Throwing the rock out of the bag, Twisted Fate looked up from his counting, “We need more food, this won’t last us forever, you got anything Poppy?” The yordle nodded, drawing out a bag filled with pheasant and squirrels. One of the squirrels were purple.
NEXT TIME: Will Caitlyn finally catch Shaco and enact her revenge? Will they find out why there was a half eaten rock in the supplies? Will they find out why one of the squirrels is purple? You probably know the answer to the last question, but stay tuned, for the next installment of:
(INSERT GENERIC NAME HERE)
© 2014 Riot Games, Inc. All rights reserved. Riot Games, League of Legends and PvP.net are trademarks, services marks, or registered trademarks of Riot Games, Inc.