League Judgment - Shaco *go easy, first contribution*

Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

BACKSTABUUU

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

09-22-2010

Candidate: Shaco

Observation

Shaco meanders in, two blades in hand, almost hiding them behind his back. His ever present grin across his face, he approaches the large doors. He takes a moment to observe his surrounding, almost as if he's amused. Above him are the ingraved words "The truest opponent lies within", Shaco breaks out in laughter as he reads it. "If my opponent lies within me, well I'll just have to kill myself then!" Laughter continues as Shaco is pleased with his joke. The doors open, and Shaco walks inside, almost in what looks like complete jovality.

Reflection

The darkness that usually defines this chamber is not present today. Instead, Shaco finds himself on the ceiling of the room he just exited. The usually monotone halls are covered in elaborate fabrics and bizarre colors. To make things stranger, the hall is host to a great ball, with many people, all wearing masks, dancing in sync to music that is eerily off tempo. Shaco walks in, and shouts "The entertainment has arrived!" Everyone applauds Shaco, as if he's an amazing celebrity. "For my first trick, I'll need a volunteer!" he shouts, and as the people fight over who gets picked, much to Shaco's enjoyment, he picks a fair looking woman. She approaches timidly, and Shaco takes her to a grand stage at the end of the room. There is a massive coffin on stage, he bids her to enter. After she gets in, he closes it and exclaims "Don't worry, this will only hurt a bit!" He starts shoving swords into the coffin, blood pours out, and people hear muffled screaming from inside. Everyone laughs, they applaud Shaco with every blade he adds. By the time he's done, he's covered in blood, dripping wet. Everyone cheers with approval, Shaco then opens the coffin to reveal the mutilated girl, and everyone goes wild. Everyone cheers, while Shaco bows gracefully. Amidst the cheering, Shaco hears a faint voice from the coffin, the girl is still alive! Shaco walks over to finish her off, but before he can, she asks, "Shaco, why do you wish to join the league?" Shaco hesitates, then kills her by slitting her throat, then turns to the crowd and yells, "It's simple really, I wish to bring my grand art to the stage of the world! I want to become famous for my jokes, a grand performer!" The crowd, more excited than before, begins to chant Shaco's name. "And not only that, I get to kill!"

The crowd falls silent. They stare at Shaco, almost in disbelief, then one by one, they begin to boo him, people in the crowd begin yelling "Why do you wish to join the league Shaco!?" Furious, Shaco screams "How dare you reject my comedy! My performances are perfect, you are all nothing!" As he uttered those words, everyone in the room dies, bleeding violently. Then the room begins to fade into blackness. Shaco angrily began striking at the dark, almost as if he's scared. He screams "Why does nobody understand my art!? I pour my soul into into my work! And for what? To be ridiculed and demonized like some sort of common murderer!? I shall make them all suffer!"

Everything disappears, and Shaco is left with himself, literally. A mirror image of him is standing right in front of him. "How does it feel, exposing your mind?" Shaco, hanging his head, is a sad sight to behold. He stands there silently for a moment, then looks up with a grin, wider than ever, and replies "Fun!" Then cuts the images head off. "Told you I'd kill myself!"

The doors swing open, and before anyone can notice, Shaco disappears, leaving only the familiar ghastly laugh.

*I wanted to show shaco as a maniac who has extreme highs and lows, along with showing his character's flair for shocking and scaring people, along with being totally unpredictable, and also show a deep resentment for people. There still some grammar issues that I'll be working on over time, and I may add on to the story a bit, seeing as it's kind of light for now.*


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Petrichor1

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

09-22-2010

Well written for a first time piece. I thought it captured Shaco's personality really well.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

ipleadthefif208

Senior Member

09-23-2010

very nice laddy


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

BACKSTABUUU

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Thanks for the feedback, I'm going to go over it in time and fix some grammatical errors, along with adding some better vocabulary, I usually have a great one, but when I'm writing like this, I have a hard time using different words.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Euant

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Humm. I think the concept that all Shaco wants to do is kill people (and have fun doing it) is really great and you deliver it well but I don't really feel Shaco "exposed his mind" like we see with other champions. If Shaco wasn't killing you you could just ask him why he joined the League and he'd tell you.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

BACKSTABUUU

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Quote:
Originally Posted by Euant View Post
Humm. I think the concept that all Shaco wants to do is kill people (and have fun doing it) is really great and you deliver it well but I don't really feel Shaco "exposed his mind" like we see with other champions. If Shaco wasn't killing you you could just ask him why he joined the League and he'd tell you.
I'll throw that in when I have a chance to edit it, thanks for the feedback


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Azaer

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Chances are that I'm not a better writer than you, so take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt

Find different ways to say those phrases with "almost" in them. Using the word three times in the space of four lines is awkwrad in an otherwise good intro.

And a second, tiny nitpick I've always taken an interest in is exclamation. I usually find it to be better to only use one "!?" or "!" and using some adjectives to express the later !/?'s always helps color the dialogue, and lend a lot more emphasis to when you do use more than one !/? for puncuation

Those are just some things I noticed, nice piece.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

BACKSTABUUU

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

09-23-2010

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azaer View Post
Chances are that I'm not a better writer than you, so take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt

Find different ways to say those phrases with "almost" in them. Using the word three times in the space of four lines is awkwrad in an otherwise good intro.
Yes, that irks me too, I need to go over and edit that, I just kinda wrote this up quick before I forgot it.

Quote:
And a second, tiny nitpick I've always taken an interest in is exclamation. I usually find it to be better to only use one "!?" or "!" and using some adjectives to express the later !/?'s always helps color the dialogue, and lend a lot more emphasis to when you do use more than one !/? for puncuation

Those are just some things I noticed, nice piece.
I'll keep that in mind, they're kinda placeholders until I decide what I want to do.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Necroskull388

Junior Member

02-21-2011

I like this a lot,but one thing I don't like is how Shaco got so visibly angry.Though,that was your intention.In Shaco's interview,he becomes angry,sort of,but it doesn't seem like he's desperate.He simply doesn't like the question.