Tangled Web [Elise x Zyra]

12345 ... 7
Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

KiyoSpirit

Senior Member

07-24-2013

Edit: Posted Chapter 6! -3/12/14

So I submitted to peer pressure. Nuff said.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9523979/6/Tangled-Web

_______________________________________________

Here's a teaser:

The halls were silent, lit only dimly by the mana fire that flickered upon the torches mounted on the walls. The pale rays of the full moon shone through the glass window, illuminating the stone floor. Crickets, if one listened closely, chirped a steady rhythm as they sang songs of the night. At this hour, even the most hard-working summoners had retired to their beds for a well-deserved rest.

Click. Clack.

The sound of movement was so quiet it barely echoed. A figure appeared in the way of the moon's radiance, a shadow forming beneath it in protest. It continued down the hallway slowly, towards the grand entrance of the Institute. Upon reaching its destination, the figure paused at the foot of the stairs. The shadow it cast was already curious in the first place, having not simply the shape of a human, but also what appeared to be 2 pairs of legs protruding from the back. Now however, it began to morph. The figure shrunk in height as all eight limbs grew longer and more jointed. A crackling noise was heard as a black carapace encompassed the whole body. Four pairs of beady eyes stared out, reflecting the moon.

Elise continued down the stairs, quickening her pace. To the east, a large forest surrounded the base of the League and that is where she headed as she hit the bottom. At this point, she paused to listen again, but could only hear crickets. Sighing internally, Elise commanded her body to shrink. The world became larger around her, as her spider form dwindled down to only half the size of her glory on the fields. Satisfied, Elise crawled deeper among the trees, continuing her search. She summoned a few spiderlings, sending them off in different directions to cover more ground.

The Chain Warden had never been one for many words. Even when they had worked together, Elise was never able to make much conversation as Vilemaw tore apart her pitiful followers while she and Thresh stood idly by, the former waiting on the Spider God's venom and the latter to collect the damned souls. So it was now that Elise found herself following Thresh, curiosity getting the better of her and with the knowledge that she wouldn't receive much of a response if she had directly asked the soul collector why he had been venturing out into the forest every night. However, it was proving rather difficult. Elise did not think herself an amateur when it came to tracking, but she'd be damned if asked to track a dead floating body........


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

KiyoSpirit

Senior Member

07-25-2013

Bump! The next chapter is up!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9523979/2/Tangled-Web


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Yasako

Senior Member

07-26-2013

let me nitpick

1.) A few verbs and gerunds are used awkwardly (Opening her eyes, her view...)
2.) The way the match is described is usually fluid, but it felt kind of awkward reading things like "mid" and "tribush" looool I would assume only young summoners use it and they're slang terms, but this isn't a big deal
3.) The random hand-holding doesn't develop the relationship organically enough

let me obsess
1.) peach-mango sounds like the best fruit in existence
2.) gee they sure are girly `w`


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

KiyoSpirit

Senior Member

07-26-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasako View Post
let me nitpick

1.) A few verbs and gerunds are used awkwardly (Opening her eyes, her view...)
2.) The way the match is described is usually fluid, but it felt kind of awkward reading things like "mid" and "tribush" looool I would assume only young summoners use it and they're slang terms, but this isn't a big deal
3.) The random hand-holding doesn't develop the relationship organically enough

let me obsess
1.) peach-mango sounds like the best fruit in existence
2.) gee they sure are girly `w`
I'll see if I can fix the grammar errors.

If I used mid, then I meant middle lane. As for the tribush, I wasn't sure what to call it. Do you have any suggestions?

Random hand holding turned out right to be random. That actually wasn't a planned scene. XD

I'm trying to make them as less girly as possible (will have to work on it and edit earlier chapters as I go), but given the personality that Elise and Zyra usually depict in the game, they would not be very likely to even speak to each other. So I have to do a little bit of personality tweaking. I try to not go too far, but it's been a long while. O.O


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

YahIDidThat

Senior Member

07-31-2013

Moar man moar


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

KiyoSpirit

Senior Member

08-04-2013

I present to you, CHAPTER THREE!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9523979/3/Tangled-Web


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Yasako

Senior Member

08-04-2013

please make the peach-mango the most important part of the plot i love peach-mango


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

KiyoSpirit

Senior Member

08-06-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yasako View Post
please make the peach-mango the most important part of the plot i love peach-mango
I'm afraid I can't say much for the peach-mango at this point. I can tell you that it will make another appearance though.

I have fixed all (I hope) of the the grammar errors regarding character speech. Thanks for pointing that out.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

Icarax88

Senior Member

08-09-2013

Really like this story. Can't wait to see more.


Comment below rating threshold, click here to show it.

LaNocheFuria

Junior Member

08-15-2013

Bump! keep going bro


12345 ... 7