300 Rakorans

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Grievous77

Senior Member

05-20-2014

Here...in Mount Targon resides the Rakkor. The greatest soldiers the world has ever seen...but of course there was a great monster that lurked...and Pantheon was the one who provoked it.

Right in Mount Targon there would be large buildings of columns or structures or houses and others as they all readied but this is not where he lives yet. Pantheon the Artisan of War, who successfully fended off against Noxus' entire army and sent them fleeing away but the story shall begin as a child.

Pantheon born to be the most feared and best warrior of the Rakkor, was born but inspected for any signs of loose limbs, hunchbacks and others. After a few years though the boy grew and was trained by his father, and learned battle skills and others. After he grew to seven the boy was taken away as his mother cried, hoping her son would return alive but at the Rakkor camps you'd have to fight to survive, and that is what builds true men and he fought but would take his true test and go out in the wilderness and test his skill there.


There he lay, freezing from the cold until he heard a growl, a dire wolf was approaching, it's huge size and yellow orbs staring directly at Pantheon. The boy showed no fear and grabbed his spear, carefully backing away into a crevasse as the wolf approached. He held his ground and the wolf lunged!

It was stuck and trying to gnaw at him but the boy held no more fear but courage, he held the spear and thrust forward, the creature's limbs limp as it fell and Pantheon grabbing it. After a day the boy had returned a man, a cape of fur pelt on his shoulders as his men bowed and hailed to their newest king and fighter, he became king but in a few years danger would come.

And Pantheon would be Mount Targon's last hope and maybe the entire world, for it's safety.


((Others will come up soon, don't worry.))


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Grand Viper

Senior Member

05-20-2014

A parody on something doesn't necessarily take its source material nearly word for word and reiterate it with just the characters swapped out. You need to play with it a little bit, you need to do more than simply restate what the narrator said in 300.

Where's Leona during all of this? Or Molik? Or the other children, since the Rakkor actually have an established sense of how they do things, look at Leona's League Judgement to gain an understanding.

You need to play, adjust and change the source material in some way more for it to be clever rather than a rehashing. Normally I'd wait and see what more to expect, because this is almost note for note what the narrator says.

If you're using Pantheon, why not use his patented manjump? He invented it to overcome his foe in a way they never expected, you have a lot of wiggle room.

I will say that your formatting has gotten much better.


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Grievous77

Senior Member

05-20-2014

Thanks but I was making an exact parody of 300, except the fight scenes and others scenes will be different. Like Pantheon in the wilderness and that stuff I wanted to make something like that setting. Next chap will be up.


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Grievous77

Senior Member

05-20-2014

Chapter 2

Pantheon sits, quietly taking in the beauty of the sights of Targon from afar as he looked at his people and fellow Rakkorians around him. He looks at all the places as Leona calls out to him, his wife and love that he cherished to his heart as did he love his son." I am coming, I was just looking at the recruits for today." Pantheon called out, quickly running towards his wife as they looked at each other intently as their son ran up to Pantheon and started practicing how to fight as Pantheon laughed at his display. Until their Rakkorian Scout had came to inform Pantheon.

"Speak now, what is it?" Pantheon asked, curiosity in his eyes but with nothing out of the ordinary until he got his answer.

"Noxian Messangers my king." The Messanger said as Pantheon furrowed his eyes and grabbed his spear, hoisting it and putting it on his back.

Pantheon and Leona both had walked towards the Noxian, who had a set of guards with him. He was foretold about the skeleton head events and merely nodded till he saw Ged." I see your entertaining out guests, leave them be." Pantheon stated to Ged. He had never trusted him, much even with lunch he would not trust.

The Noxian bowed and before he could speak I raised my hand up as he looked with a bit of amused eyes, the guards never moving." Before you speak, know that if you dare attack anyone here, my wife, my child, anyone, and even your words are held accountable for actions. Now what message has your tactician, Swain given me?" Pantheon asked, the Messanger bowing his head down, cap and all.

"Earth and Water."

Silence struck for a few moments till Pantheon spoke." Earth and water...you came all this way...for earth and water? Why is that?" Pantheon asked, chuckling quietly.

"Do not be foolish or try and pull trickery Noxian, you can afford neither in Mount Targon and nor will you ever be able to." Leona spoke out, much to the messenger's angered eyes.

"What right does this woman have speaking to us men?" The messanger asked, Leona about to reply till Pantheon raised his hand once more and follow, motioning for them to walk and follow." Come, let us cool our tongues and discuss this." Pantheon said, even though he wanted to stab the messenger. How dare he, insult his queen, his wife, his love and somehow think he can speak to her like that?

After walking the messenger walked close by Pantheon and spoke some threats." Listen here Pantheon, Swain's army is a million to you. His army is so vast, that all of Valoran shakes by their walk, their hunger is so wide they drink the rivers dry. All the king Swain wants is Targon's submission to the will of Noxus and Swain." Messenger said, his eyes serious.

Pantheon stopped at a large hole and clasped his hands together." Submission? Oh...now that is a big problem...you see I heard the Demacians turned you down, and those hippies and boy lovers or what you call-"

"My king we must think this through." Ged said, trying to convince Pantheon but with no luck at all." And of course RAKKORIANS, have their rights to choose." Pantheon said, messenger throwing the worst threat at him.

"Choose your next words carefully Pantheon, they may be your last as king." The man said as Pantheon looked behind and saw his people. The worry, the shock, and the fear coming as they wondered what their great king would do. Their lives depended on him, he furrowed his eyes and pulled out his spear, pointing it at the man and so did the other Rakkorians, pushing the guards to the edge of the hole.

"You're mad, you're a mad man." The messenger said, fear coming across him and disbelief.

"Yes and what of it Noxian scumbag? Earth and water? You'll find plenty of both down there." Pantheon said, seriousness in his eyes. " You arrive here with the heads of conquered kings and kingdoms on my city steps! You insult my queen, you threaten my people with slavery and death, oh I have chosen my words carefully Noxian. Perhaps you should have done the same."

"Noxian or Rakkorian, no man threatens a messenger. This is blasphemy, this is madness!" He shouted, until all went quiet as Pantheon slowly set his spear on the hard stone floor, and turned his neck to look at Leona.

Their eyes met and she nodded slowly and so did he, the burning flame in his eye clearly visible as he held his spear still and looked at the Noxian.

"Madness? THIS IS MOUNT TARGON!!!" Pantheon shouted, kicking the now screaming Noxian in the well, the other Rakkor slicing and pushing Noxians in the well, their anguished cries heard till they dropped. Pantheon then sheathed his spear and walked away to the oracles to declare war and ready the armies.

Their will be blood, much blood.

Chapter 2 ended.


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Grievous77

Senior Member

05-21-2014

Bump.


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Grievous77

Senior Member

05-23-2014

Bump. Next chapter in two or three days, or one at the most.


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Grievous77

Senior Member

06-02-2014

Chapter Three: The Oracle's Message

Pantheon walked his way up the tower, towards the gates and entered. What lied there were hooded figures, each one with a raspy voice as they clapped their hands at Pantheon's arrival.

"Oh Pantheon! How good it is to see you!" The right said, smiling under the hood as they discussed. Pantheon had a look of rage on his face once they told him not on the day of the ceremony." TARGON HAS TO GO TO WAR!!! Tell me the future oracles, what is our inevitable outcome?" Pantheon asked.

They soon went towards a small platform, the dark nights and moon shining upon the platform and there sat a woman.

((I'm sorry but this is rated r and I can't so we have to skip. I'm sorry.))

"Targon will fall, all of Valoran shall fall. You die if you go." Each said, each one looking upon Pantheon as he grabbed his bag and took it, the gold lying there for the oracles to take. They soon waited after he left down back to his home and then, out of the shadows stepped Darius and Urgot, each one dropping a large sack full of Noxian Gold." The great...*wheeze*...Swain shall award you...*wheeze* for your actions now." Urgot said, his wheezing coming along with fits of coughing.

Darius smiled and pointed to them." Once we take over you will have all the women you desire, everyday for your life." Darius said as the oracles were bathing in the gold, throwing it upon the air as they smiled to themselves with looks of happiness.

They don't know what they have just started.


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Grand Viper

Senior Member

06-03-2014

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grievous77 View Post
Chapter Three: The Oracle's Message

Pantheon walked his way up the tower, towards the gates and entered. What lied there were hooded figures, each one with a raspy voice as they clapped their hands at Pantheon's arrival.

"Oh Pantheon! How good it is to see you!" The right said, smiling under the hood as they discussed. Pantheon had a look of rage on his face once they told him not on the day of the ceremony." TARGON HAS TO GO TO WAR!!! Tell me the future oracles, what is our inevitable outcome?" Pantheon asked.

They soon went towards a small platform, the dark nights and moon shining upon the platform and there sat a woman.

((I'm sorry but this is rated r and I can't so we have to skip. I'm sorry.))

"Targon will fall, all of Valoran shall fall. You die if you go." Each said, each one looking upon Pantheon as he grabbed his bag and took it, the gold lying there for the oracles to take. They soon waited after he left down back to his home and then, out of the shadows stepped Darius and Urgot, each one dropping a large sack full of Noxian Gold." The great...*wheeze*...Swain shall award you...*wheeze* for your actions now." Urgot said, his wheezing coming along with fits of coughing.

Darius smiled and pointed to them." Once we take over you will have all the women you desire, everyday for your life." Darius said as the oracles were bathing in the gold, throwing it upon the air as they smiled to themselves with looks of happiness.

They don't know what they have just started.
Words fail me. This is not how you structure any story, any whatsoever, this is completely and utterly silly. This is not how you structure a story, this is not how you write one, this is not how you...

There's no sense of flow, no sense of sense, no sense of establishment, nothing. You are making the reader confused by how you structured the characters and are expecting them to give even the slightest care, and if it's NSFW, then restructure it, make it fit your narrative, make it work, don't just put brackets and go "Can't write this!"

Hell maybe it's Teemo dancing with silk ribbons and doing cartwheels, just do something!


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AskTheSteamGolem

Senior Member

06-04-2014

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grand Viper View Post
Words fail me. This is not how you structure any story, any whatsoever, this is completely and utterly silly. This is not how you structure a story, this is not how you write one, this is not how you...

There's no sense of flow, no sense of sense, no sense of establishment, nothing. You are making the reader confused by how you structured the characters and are expecting them to give even the slightest care, and if it's NSFW, then restructure it, make it fit your narrative, make it work, don't just put brackets and go "Can't write this!"

Hell maybe it's Teemo dancing with silk ribbons and doing cartwheels, just do something!
Out.

Just out please, I respect you but when I'm writing and I get another story then I'll ask. For now I'll think about this and find me some inspiration for a funny story. Now shoo, vamoose, away, kapow.


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Grand Viper

Senior Member

06-04-2014

Out I am. If at any point you want my advice, or even to glance at something, I will not. You have a very serious flaw in the chapter and I couldn't ignore it because it's that abysmal of a mistake to make, and the entire idea of a parody is to play with it, not necessarily copy the source material almost verbatim and have no alterations whatsoever, it looks and feels boring. What makes me care about your rendition of 300 with a spin of League on it compared to the actual 300?

I can point out bit, after bit, after bit, and try to help you create a stronger story for your own benefit, but no.

I know this, I've written parodies, several of them, of poetry and of Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog, and frankly I'm a bit upset that no form of consideration is given to my words or my advice. Maybe I'm not offering the best advice, that's why you discuss and defend your position rather than go "Lalalala can't hear you".

Tl;dr: I'm out.