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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-18-2012

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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-22-2012

bump


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-25-2012

Bump. it might be done, so I should probably stop bumping, but I want more feedback...


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-28-2012

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TheHarvestor

Senior Member

08-07-2012

i suggest you delete your bumps after thereve be posted over but the main prob i see with your lore is that its quite long.

also as a joke im going to tell you what my english teacher is always telling me

Quote:
try to show what is happening not tell it


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Koechophe

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Senior Member

08-07-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pirateelfdog View Post
Lore for Cedric, the Blade's Anger:

Cedric had (I would change this to has, since it is still current, and that makes it sound like it isn't so anymore) always been a swordsman. He fought with blades as early as 6 (I would change it to "since the age of 6", because saying as early as 6 seems vague, and it's not really saying his age in there), and by the time he was 10 (Years old right here, for the same reason) he could beat (defeat right here instead, as beat seems to apply a connotation that's less noble than the art of swordsmanship) every other swordsman in his village. Then he moved on, traveling all of (throughout instead of "all of" would fit nicely, it's more condensed and fits the connotation better) Demacia (I think the next sentence is a bit run-on, so maybe put here "undefeated in the art of swordsmanship, or something about being undefeated.). The only person who managed to beat him was Fiora, who disarmed (Then, maybe having a "However, he faced fiora and was disarmed" or something to that effect, to make this sentence a bit less long.) him with out a thought. Cedric wasn' t disheartened though, already understanding (I think that "Because he understood" would make this sentence a bit less awkward.) that losing was a part of fighting. He simply spread out (Instead of "spread out his travels to" try "spread out, and traveled". Spread out his travels takes a few seconds to understand the meaning of what you're saying.) his travels to everywhere on the continent. He even managed to sneak into Noxus, and had his own small career there (I would end this sentence here, and make the next thought another sentance, so that it flows a bit better.) until he was discovered, named a public enemy and forced to leave (The way you phrase this, it sounds like he was assassinated after he left. I would reccomend rephrasing it, so that it's more clear on "he left so that he wouldn't be assassinated") before he was assassinated. This didn't stop him either. Everywhere he went, he gained reputations (I would simply say "a reputation" rather than "reputations", because if he's getting multpiple reputations in the same area, it usually means there's some good reputations and some bad reputations, which doesn't quite fit the lore.) as one of, if not the best swordsman anyone had ever seen.

One day, while training privately at the Serpentine River, Cedric found himself at a place he had never been before (this is a bit unclear to me, was he transported there, or did he explore? I think you should probably clarify just how he got there) . It was a (Insert adjective, like beautiful, or glorius or something) hill with a (Insert adjective, like winding, or massive, or white.) fence around it. At the base (I'd put "of the hill" or "of the fence" here, to clarify what he's standing at the base of.) stood an old man, (i'd take out the coma here and put a period down, then remove the who. So it'd be "stood an old man. As soon as he saw".... ) who as soon as he saw Cedric ( if you go with my previous editation, add "he" right here) shouted, "Turn away! This hill bears nothing but death for a swordsman!" Cedric took this as a challenge, and slashed down the fence (with a mighty blow, or something. Try to make this more descriptive here, it helps form a mental image). He turned back towards the old man, but he had disappeared (", leaving the hill empty" or "fading without a sound' or something to better get the reader to feel what's happening, to elaborate). Cedric climbed up (take out the "Up", it's redundant.) to the top of the hill where he saw, siting (Sitting) on a pedestal, a (insert adjective/description here) sword. He approached it cautiously, when suddenly the blade flew up on its own accord and flew (I would rephrase "flew up on its own accord and flew at cedric. You say flew twice, and it would sound better if you replaced one of the flews with something like "Jumped" or "shot like a bullet towards towards" or something along those lines) at Cedric (The phrase "to decapitate him" kind of goes against the patterns you've developed in your lore, because so far, we've only heard things from cedric's percpective, and this shows the percpective of the swords, which we don't even know if the sword has one or not. I would rephrase this, or remove it entirely.) to decapitate him. The blade, fueled ( would replace this with "commanded" or "controlled" as fueled doesn't really make sense for an inanimate object") by some unknown force(,) began to push upon the (I'd replace "the" with "Cedric's") great swordsman defenses. Cedricís instinct took over and he battled the blade, which was a better swordsman than any opponent he had fought in all of his travelings. (Here, I would rephrase, so that it says that it was the greatest fight, rather than the greatest swordsman, because it's not really a swordsman, and it sounds a bit awkward when phrased like that. You could also rephrase to focus on it being the greatest skill, or something)

The fight lasted for hours as night fell (This is redundant, because if night falls, we know it lasts for hours, and if it lasts for hours then, unless it's the apacolypse, we know that night is going to fall. I would say that the fight lasted well into the night, or that the fight lasted for hours, the first being my stronger recommendation), but Cedric couldnít figure out how (I would remove the "figure out how to" to shorten this sentence a bit, as without it, you still know that he couldn't figure out how to defeat it, because he couldn't defeat it) to defeat the inhuman opponent. (I would also remove this coma, and add a simple "and", because the next sentence is more of a fragment than an actual sentence.) He was also tiring. Finally, the sword managed to disarm the exhausted fighter. It thrust itself into his body, and Cedric crumpled, waiting for death.

But death did not come. As Cedric sank to the ground, the sword began to glow with a red light, feeding upon Cedricís life. The red light seemed to surround Cedric, and then melted (I would use a different word than melted, as melted implys a solid state becoming a liquid state, which I don't think is the case here. Maybe "seeped" or "wormed" or something to that effect) into him, filling his head with (insert adjective here) whispers. As the sun rose, Cedric pulled the blade from his chest with a crazed laugh. His wound healed instantly. The blade had spoken to him (I would remove the "spoken to him" part, because we already know that from before, when it says he could hear whispers. The sentence, if I were to do it, would then read "The blade had corrupted him with it's will and driven him to insanity), corrupting him with its will and driving him to insanity. He focused, and the blade let out a blast of red energy it had stored from its killings (that phrasing "Stored from it's killings" is a bit lackluster. I would say something more dramatic, like "Stored from the blood of it's defeated foes", or, "Created by the souls of those it had killed" or something more exciting.). He felt (I think you should say "intentse power" rather than "power intentse") power intense surge(ing) through him, and he laughed again.

Cedric traveled for a long time, feeding power in to his blade from the life forces of his defeated enemies ( I would rephrase this too, saying something more like "Feeling the blade grow more powerful with each defeated foe", as the way you phrased it implys a lot of effort on cedric's part, which kind of goes against the idea that you've created about the blade). The more he fed it, the stronger it got. When he hear(d) about the League (of legends), he joined without a second thought, ready to feed the sword all that he met. (This sounds a bit odd in phrasing too, and I would rephrase "ready to feed the sword all that he met" to something like "ready to let the sword feast on the souls of his foes," or something, because it sounds like the sword is going to eat people,)

Endless slaughter is not useless, if it has purpose. -Cedric, the Blade's Anger
Comments/suggestions in bold w/ parentheses

I nitpicked this like mad, and this is just my opinion, so you really don't have to follow all my suggestions. I am a very harsh editor, because I prefer it when people do so with me. That being said, you have a good lore with a great idea and story, and I think if you fix your phrasing issues inside of it, the story would be more fantastic than it already is.

Signed-
Koechophe


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

08-08-2012

I LOVE nit-picky reviews. Thank you SO much! Edits will be up soon.


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Koechophe

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Senior Member

08-09-2012

Np


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

01-02-2013

Bump


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