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Reviews?

123
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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

06-25-2012

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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-01-2012

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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

07-01-2012

Hold on...I have a 60-something champion compendium, although many of them are not posted on the forums...I can post a couple of samples here, the ones with better lore, to see if that gives you any ideas.


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-04-2012

Ok, that would be awesome!


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Magma Armor0

Senior Member

07-04-2012

I would change the phrase "sent out of Noxus"... someone like Cedric would probably not leave just because the Noxians asked politely, and the Noxians aren't the type to ask politely. Put in that he was declared an enemy of the state, or was attacked by 10 assassins in the night, or that katarina herself chased him out...whatever, just so long as it seems like a more...Noxian...farewell.

I would also like more details in the first paragraph; what type of career he had in Noxus, etc. etc. Also you're going to have to answer how both Cedric and Fiora can be the best duelist in Demacia at the same time. You could even have Cedric rise to the top of the Demacian dueling circuit, only to be defeated by a contemptuous Fiora, which is what drives him to go out into the wilderness and find the sword that will let him take his revenge...bla bla bla....

just suggestions, mind you, but I think they'd really improve this lore--it's close to being where it needs to be, you just need a little bit more to make it a really good lore.

That said, where it's currently at would probably be acceptable by Riot's current lore standards... *sighs*


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-04-2012

Quote:
Magma Armor0:
I would change the phrase "sent out of Noxus"... someone like Cedric would probably not leave just because the Noxians asked politely, and the Noxians aren't the type to ask politely. Put in that he was declared an enemy of the state, or was attacked by 10 assassins in the night, or that katarina herself chased him out...whatever, just so long as it seems like a more...Noxian...farewell.

I would also like more details in the first paragraph; what type of career he had in Noxus, etc. etc. Also you're going to have to answer how both Cedric and Fiora can be the best duelist in Demacia at the same time. You could even have Cedric rise to the top of the Demacian dueling circuit, only to be defeated by a contemptuous Fiora, which is what drives him to go out into the wilderness and find the sword that will let him take his revenge...bla bla bla....

just suggestions, mind you, but I think they'd really improve this lore--it's close to being where it needs to be, you just need a little bit more to make it a really good lore.

That said, where it's currently at would probably be acceptable by Riot's current lore standards... *sighs*


I'll make the changes on him getting kicked out of Noxus, and great idea with the Fiora thing! Thanks for helping...I'm really not an author.


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Magma Armor0

Senior Member

07-05-2012

Only changes left that I can see being helpful are
A) "This hill bears nothing but death for swordsmen!" or "a swordsman!"
B) Cedric wasn't disheartened (not wash't),
C) "The blade flew up...and flew at him" is redundant. Consider something like "The blade suddenly flew up into the air of its own accord, spinning towards Cedric's head in attempt to decapitate him then and there. In a move fueled more by instinct and habit than any rational thought, Cedric raised his sword, blocking the blow, and began to fight the...." This also gives us a picture of some of the action, which a lot of readers would like.
D) giving us a reason why Cedric was at the serpentine River--it can be something as simple as wanting a place to train in private, or traveling between towns, or something as complicated and ridiculous as meeting Lux for a one-night stand. It would just help the reader to know why Cedric wanted to be there; right now it seems like the only reason he's there is to advance the plot.


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-06-2012

Made those changes. Thanks for reading!


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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-10-2012

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Pirateelfdog

Senior Member

07-15-2012

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