Today I've got a very special story to tell you, fellow Summoners. I don't know all the details, I wasn't there for some of it. I'm a Summoner like you, but I was privileged enough to see some of this first hand, and the rest is what I managed to piece together after these astonishing events.
It began with a man. A powerfully curious man named Zilean, as it happens. Now, you see, Zilean was also a curiously powerful man. He'd heard the wondrous stories of the late, brave manatee named Urf, and he decided he wanted to meet this poor creature for himself. Unfortunately, Urf had been murdered by the ruthless predator, Warwick, two years ago. But something as inconsequential as death wasn't going to stop someone as powerful, or as curious, as Zilean.
You see, Zilean was an immortal sorcerer of immense power...a chronokeeper to be precise; a cursed mage with the power to to drift through the steams of time. He'd decided he'd like to meet this legendary manatee, so that's exactly what he was going to do.
As well as being powerful, and curious, Zilean was also fashionable. For this journey he donned his Time Machine, adorned with all the bells, whistles, and...green glowing things. Zilean wasn't the most lucid man, and he didn't remember what these things did, but he figured they'd help calibrate his journey, what with all the glowing and the looking cool. It only made sense. So, geared up, he drifted back in time.
Thanks for your patience so far, dear Summoners. Fear not, for here is where this story really takes off. We're getting to the start of these bizarre and historic events. Zilean's time travel wasn't always reliable, and he came upon Urf only minutes before his murder by Warwick. Sad that he wouldn't have much time, and feeling bad for the manatee, Urf and Zilean hatched a plan. A plan to let the unfortunate Urf finally live his dream of being part of the League of Legends.
At least that's one side of the story. For another perspective, we go live to Reporter Mundo. Let's see what he has to say!
“MUNDO HAVE NICE SUIT. MUNDO REPORTER TODAY. MUNDO WORK FOR AHRI AT NEWS NETWORK. MUNDO HERE WITH VOLIBEAR. VOLIBEAR, WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY TODAY?”
“THAT WAS VOLIBEAR TODAY AND...”
“Hey, screw you too, you obnoxious bear!”
“ZILEAN, MUNDO SAY IT NOT YOUR TURN. WE HEAR ALL SIDES HERE. FAIR AND BALANCED HERE. LET BEAR SPEAK.”
“Sorry, Mundo,” Zilean said, grumbling.
“AS YOU WERE SAYING, VOLIBEAR?”
“VOLIBEAR SAY ZILEAN NOT 'HATCH PLAN.' VOLIBEAR SAY MANATEE TRICK ZILEAN. MANATEE STEAL ZILEAN'S TIME MACHINE.”
Mundo paused, looking somewhat uncomfortable. “BEAR SAY ZILEAN INSUFFERABLE MORON. GOT TRICKED. THIS WAS MUNDO, WITH ZILEAN AND BEAR. MUNDO OVER AND MUNDO OUT.”
As you can see, there are multiple sides to the story. The facts are, though, that Zilean stayed back in time, and Urf arrived today at the Institute of War, Zilean's time machine strapped to his back, glowing green things and all, three years after his apparent murder. And this was merely the first of many astonishing events to unfold today.
Urf was overjoyed to be here, but he had to do a few things before he could do what he finally had the chance to do. He managed to acquire a list of all Champions of the League and, after perusing it, decided he needed to speak with a yordle named Ziggs. Ziggs was very understanding of Urf's plight, and was happy to help. Ziggs and Urf also hatched a plan.
Ziggs, together with one of the Institute's cooks, helped Urf stuff a bunch of his fish with hexplosives. There were some complications, but those don't factor into today's story too much and, don't worry, the Institute is a large place, with plenty of cooks. So, that's all good.
Anyway, after some preparations, Urf's time was finally here. Ecstatic, he took to the Fields of Justice in Zilean's place! Floating in the time machine, the manatee chortled as he threw spatulas at his foes, laughing all the more when they were foolish enough to get close enough for him to stick exploding fish on them. The manatee was a natural, and won his first match with ease.
After the match, Urf again spoke to Ziggs. As they'd discussed, Ziggs handed him a giant sack of fishbombs, and let Urf take his place in the next match.
“MUNDO NOT SURE 'LET' RIGHT WORD. BUT MUNDO NOT SURE ABOUT LOTS OF WORDS. MUNDO HAVE PEOPLE WHO SAY URF TRICK ZIGGS. MUNDO HAVE INTERVIEWS AND...”
No, no more of that. Point is, these events are rather chaotic, and an exact record is not to be had. Urf the manatee may have tricked some Champions, he may have befriended and charmed them. There's really no way to know for sure, so believe whichever version you'd like.
Urf lay aside Zilean's time machine, threw the sack of bombs over his shoulder in its place, and once again took to the Fields. Many more chortles were had, and many more exploding fish were thrown. Another victory!
After the match, Urf looked over the list, and decided to go in reverse alphabetical order, since he'd already been both Zilean and Ziggs. He'd skip over the ones he didn't feel like being, though. He knew this couldn't last, so he wanted to enjoy it while he could. He was living the dream. He decided he rather liked the look of the Hemomancer, so he'd be Vladimurf for the next match. He quickly learned that he didn't like the smell of blood, though, so he strapped an onion to his head to ward off the overwhelming stench.
I have to say, the manatee made a surprisingly good Hemomancer, and boy did he look funny poking his head out of that Sanguine Pool. A more hilarious sight I thought I'd never see but, well...we'll get there. Anyway, Vladimurf threw piranhas at his foes, trailing blood. This, too, looked hilarious. And, luckily, the Institute of War provides great health coverage, so Urf's opponents weren't too badly off. Needless to say, Urf won another. The manatee was on a roll.
I'll try to speed this up, now, Summoners. Next was the Machine Herald. Vikturf was an interesting sight as well; a manatee with a machine hand on his back. Shooting freaking lasers. It was a sight for sure. Next up was Urgot. For this one, instead of taking his place, Urf teamed up with him. Urfgot. I won't go too into detail on this one, but I will say this: Homing. Manatees. Wut.
Next was Tryndamurf, equally amazing. For this one, Urf also teamed up. Instead of his sword, the Barbarian King used the manatee himself this match. It sounds cruel, but this is the League of Legends. These are hardy folk, and Urf fit right in. He laughed and laughed as the barbarian swung him around. He also really enjoyed being spun.
However, after the match (which of course they won), he decided he'd like to do it again, more dignified. Sadly, Tryndamere wasn't too keen on the idea of being swung around by a manatee. I was rather disappointed, and thought it would have only been fair, but oh well. No accounting for taste, I suppose. Instead, Urf asked Heimerdinger, who he'd met briefly through Ziggs earlier, to build him a giant spatula. Nothing is more dignified than a giant spatula. He then took once more to the fields of justice, swinging this monstrous utensil. Killing spree!
Next, Rammus. Rammurf was also funny, but not really worth getting into, as I think it was merely okay. Also, alright. Yeah.
Moving on. Olurf was a sight to behold. This time, Urf wielded two spatulas, and threw one at people when needed. It was amazing. Nautilurf was just too perfect. I mean, a manatee is already vaguely anchor-shaped, we'll just leave it at that. If you thought some of these were spatularific, you should have seen that Katarinurf match. Oh my. I have never seen so many spatulas in my life. Penta kill!
Next up...well, we better Urf Irelia, huh? Not much to say here, although those floating spatulas did look amazing. Heimerdinger was next, and for this one Urf was getting a little tired, so decided he'd team up and just assist. Urf called in some of his old manatee buddies, and Heimer, Urf, and his friends went to town. Instead of turrets, Heimerdurfer lay down spatula-throwing manatees. Instead of Micro-Rockets...spatulas. And there was nothing micro about them. For his concussion grenade he used a modified fish bomb from earlier. Victory!
Urf almost went as Pirate next, but couldn't decide between Urfplank and Gangplurf, so decided to skip it, and move on to Mundo. Dr. Mundurf was spatular. Er...spectacular. Who needs cleavers when you have spatulas?
“MUNDO DOES. MUNDO NEED CLEAVERS.”
Shush, Mundo, this story is about Urf. Pipe down, dude. Gosh.
This one has got to be my favorite. Corkirider Urf. Yeah. That happened. Tired of being ridden around, the giant manatee lay on the back of Corki's Reconnaissance Operations Front-Line Copter, looming behind Corki, and resting his minigun on the somewhat disgruntled yordle's head. Corki was overheard saying 'Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,' and Urf merely replied “Lima Oscar Lima.” And, instead of missiles, Urf chucked spatulas. What a way to go. Penta kill! Again, really? This guy, am I right?
Lastly, Urf took Amumu's place in a match. Amumurf. Manatee mummy OP, nUrf please.
Urf, being the kind soul that he was, knew he couldn't stay; this wasn't his time. His grand adventures – and grand they most certainly were – were almost at an end. He had to get back, and return Zilean's time machine. But, hey, what was the hurry? The manatee realized that, since it was time travel, there wasn't one. He could stay a bit longer, and still return to Zilean at the instant he'd left. There were a few more things he wanted to do. For one, he liked the idea of these so called 'skins.' Especially the themed ones. He borrowed one of Mundo's suits –
“URF NOT BORROW. MUNDO NO LEND. DUMB MANATEE STEAL MUNDO'S SUIT!”
Wow. Rude much, Mundo? As I was saying, Urf borrowed a suit, and was Corporate Urf for a bit. Next, Hextech Urf, with Heimerdinger's help. Next, Commando Urf. Wow, that one was pretty amazing, Summoners. You should see that manatee fire off that minigun while screaming “DEMACIA!” Wow.
Urf was worn out after so much strenuous work, so he decided to relax a bit. A nice cup of tea would be perfect. Manatea time! Still tired, but relishing in his whole 'not being dead and worn by a psychotic manbeast-werewolf' thing, he just decided to soak it all in. For an entire day, he just stood there, thinking, and happy to be alive. The day the Urf stood still.
Then he went to work for Google for a bit. Google Urf, y'all. Later, with the money he'd made at Google, he opened a theme park called Planet Urf. Sadly, it shut down a while later, after a tragic accident. Oh, the humanatee.
Finally, he knew it was almost time. But before he went back to return the time machine and thank Zilean for all the amazing adventures he'd had, there was one more thing he'd always wanted to do. So he called up Janna and Brand, and they started a band. They called it Urf, Wind, & Fire.
Well, Summoners, I hope you've enjoyed my humble account of these miraculous and astounding events. It's said Urf did eventually return to his time, and restore the timeline. Time travel is funky, though. I'd like to belief that this incredible manatee found a way to live on. He was a clever manatee, that's for sure. I hope you'll say a prayer for him, and hold hope in your heart that he's still out there, doing his thing. What a special soul.
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