My submission for the April Fools contest thingy I punched this out on the keyboard today, let me know what you think.
"Jax is dominating!” proclaimed the announcer, with a slight hint of frustration. Jax was on the way to breezing through yet another match in the Summoner’s Rift. Much to his disappointment, however, the opposing champions haven’t even provided an ounce of challenge this time. Soraka had provided an easy warm-up target for practicing his iconic, rhythmic combo. When the time came, not even Master Yi could stave off Jax’s unrelenting fury. Even his allied champions sheathed their weapons and began to relax as Jax proceeded to fight off the entire enemy team singlehandedly.
Twenty minutes into the skirmish, the enemy team begged for mercy. With their unconditional surrender, their nexus automatically exploded into a giant, violet mess.
“Victory.” The announcer rehearsed, without any enthusiasm whatsoever. She was not supposed to be biased, but she wanted Jax to lose, just once.
On the sidelines, Urf the Manatee watched in silent awe. Jax was a talented fighter, and everyone knew of his exploits. Urf, despite being a creature of the ocean, was certainly no exception. Among anything else, he wished he could one day be as powerful and skilled as his hero.
Today was different, though. Today, he would go and talk to his idol. He always let himself get so intimidated by the large crowd that flocked around him after every match. Not this time. Nothing would come between him and the Grandmaster at Arms.
With as much vigor as he could muster, he bolted into the post-game lobby where the champions and their summoners were giving interviews or signing autographs. Notably, Jax had a large crowd amassed around him. Unlike the other champions, Jax was not signing petty autographs but was showing off his renowned lantern. Every time he swung it, the crowd squealed in amazement. In fact, every time he moved, even slightly, the minds of the crowd were blown.
Urf audaciously pushed himself through the crowd, shoving every person out of his way with all the power he could muster. He could have sworn he knocked out a yordle or two with his violence, which he would have been repentant about if he didn’t want to meet his hero so badly.
Finally, after leaving a trail of destruction in his wake, he found himself in front of Jax.
“Eh? What in the-?” stammered Jax. He bewilderedly stared at the crowd of dazed bystanders that Urf managed to blast through. Not to mention the fact that a manatee caused the mess before him.
“H-hello!!” shouted Urf, after an awkward silence.
“What do ya want, kid?” nonchalantly asked Jax.
Urf didn’t even think of what he was going to say when he actually got to talk to him. Instead, Urf started to get a little dizzy. Regardless, he refused to let his body succumb to the surface environment. Defiantly, Urf waddled unswervingly to the champion’s platform.
“I want you to train me!” blurted out Urf. As soon as he said it, he realized how ridiculous he sounded.
“I’ve got another match in about ten minutes. I don’t have time.” Jax said. He was sympathetic enough, but it was clear that he was trying to figure out why there was a manatee in front of him in the first place.
“But I have to be strong! I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was!”
Jax pondered for a moment. “What do you value the most?”
Urf looked around curiously. Around them stood many bystanders, some peeved by his abrupt entrance. Most were simply amazed that a manatee stood before them. It was then when Urf knew the answer.
“My fellow manatee brethren.” Urf declared solemnly.
“You will find your strength there, or something like that. Alright, who’s next?”
Urf shuffled himself through the crowd once more, lost in thought. Jax’s profound words resounded in his fishy head. What could he possibly mean? The thoughts remained with him all the way to his oceanic home. It was there that he realized that his fellow people lacked a representative of their culture. From a murky corner of his home, he pulled out a rusty spatula. Urf’s people always loved food; it was the thing that made all manatee’s alike, no matter how different they were. But it was not enough. He needed more. He earnestly hunted the ocean for a suitable fish he could wield. Fishes were always associated with water- it was a perfect representative of where his homeland was. But it was also not enough.
Urf was not especially powerful by the League of Legends’ definition. Although he was technically a “champion”, not a single summoner has chosen him to fight in a Field of Justice yet. But he had a plan that would change that fact. Urf sped quickly through the waters into the most reclusive part of his alcove. There laid a small, inconspicuous chest covered with algae. Nudging it open revealed a minigun, the manatee’s most prized possession (which he had stolen from Piltover a couple of years back, but that’s a long story that involves cupcake traps and an enraged, drunken Corki). After mounting the powerful weapon onto his back, Urf set out for the Institute of War once more.
Upon arrival in the lobby, Urf barreled through the line, just as he plowed through the crowed that surrounded Jax the day before. At the counter sat a female troll secretary, wearing pointed glasses and a black dress. It was apparent the troll was attempting to look like Vayne. It didn’t work very well.
“I demand to be summoned in the next match!” shouted Urf.
The secretary adjusted her glasses and glared with her bulging eyes at the aquatic mammal.
“Mmmmmkay. One moment.” The troll pulled a strange magical device from the desk and started speaking into it for some reason. “Summoner number five, I’ve got a champion requesting to be summoned. He seems adamant.”
“Okaaay!” squeed a summoner’s voice from the other side of the device. The summoner did not appear to be very bright.
Instantly, Urf was teleported to the Summoner’s Rift. He was amazed how easily he was admitted, but he quickly realized he bit off more than he could chew. He saw that Alistar, Pantheon, Akali, and Ashe surrounded him- all very well-known champions- and he was standing among them! They looked so intimidating up close.
“Fishy!” cried the child’s voice from inside his head. Urf wondered curiously why he got a little girl for a summoner, but he put those thoughts aside. Now was the time to make a name for himself.
“Thirty seconds until minions spawn!” said the announcer. Urf realized that he was so lost in amazement that he missed the fact that all of the other champions had gone to their respective lanes. He wondered why he hadn’t been given any orders yet. He began to wonder off, seeing what was around.
After a couple of turns, Urf found himself deep in the jungle. He hadn’t thought much of the jungle before, but it had a whole new feel from within it. It felt empty, yet so full of life. After wondering through it long enough, the manatee found that he was already lost.
After wondering around, Urf came upon a clearing. Once he approached it a golem teleported into it, along with two other smaller minions. Strange, blue glyphs revolved around the construct. He has seen this golem many times before, having watched many Jax games. Easy target, Urf thought. Without hesitation, Urf charged straight into the golem head first, whacking it ruthlessly with his trusty spatula. He realized in horror that the golem was no pushover. The golem grabbed Urf’s arm and slammed the manatee into the trees that stood nearby.
“Get that meanie!” cried his summoner. Urf stood up, shaken from the throw. The golem lumbered toward him slowly, ready to finish him off. Urf lowered his head and arched his back, his minigun pointed directly at the golem. Without warning, Urf poured every single bullet he had into the rocky golem. After a while, the bullets stopped firing. Urf looked up and saw nothing but a crumpled pile of rocks. The blue glyphs that originally surrounded the golem now surrounded Urf. The manatee swelled with pride, having conquered his first mark in Summoner’s Rift.
The golem was not the only thing Urf had demolished with his minigun. The trees beyond the golem’s clearing were demolished, leaving a road of destruction that extended all the way to the middle lane. In that lane lied Akali, who was slumped to her tower. She was riddled with bullet holes.
“First blood!” cried the announcer. Urf had not meant to kill his own ally, but surely it was for the greater good. He had killed the golem, after all! Surely that meant victory for his team.
After exploring the jungle for a little while longer, Urf had come across the river that stretched through the Field of Justice.
“Perfect!” Urf roared. “I’ll hide in some of the reeds, and when a champion walks by, I’ll ambush them with my spatula!”
Urf quietly waited in the middle of the river, where reeds were strategically planted for better ambushes.
Five minutes had passed, and the blue glyphs that surrounded Urf had long passed. But Urf was patient. He would wait all day for a champion to pass by.
Another five minutes passed. Urf found that he was still weak from his encounter with the golem. But that did not matter to him.
Finally, after fifteen minutes of waiting, Urf heard the cry of a wolf off in the distance. Urf got his spatula ready. Whatever came his way, he would be prepared for it.
Just then, Urf looked up to the sky and saw a glowing red eye, staring directly at him. His heart sank. They can see him.
Hurriedly, Urf swam through the river, trying to get to safety, but it was too late. From the shadows came a vicious werewolf, hurdling toward him at lightning speeds. Urf swam as fast has he could muster, but found that the minigun he carried weighed him down. He then realized it was too late.
As Warwick viciously tore at the manatee, Urf recalled that killed champions would eventually be resurrected at their Nexus. As he gasped his last dying breath, he clung to that hope.
He waited for that moment, but it never came.
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