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Urf The Manatee 2012-A Play

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Urf The Manatee

ACT 1, Scene 1: Den Of The Manatee Clan
(The curtain rises to reveal an underwater system of caves, inside of one, we see URFPA, lying on his bed. Surrounding him are URF, URFETTE, and URFINGTON.)

URFPA: Oh...oh Poseidon. Grant me a lapse of dying pain, so that I may speak to my kin in peace!

URFETTE: Father...Curse the Reaper, abhorred beast! 'Tis not just that this plague take thy breath!

URFPA: My grandson...please... let me speak with him once more.

URFINGTON: Son, come here anon! Thy grandfather waits, in pain of death, for thy answer.

URF: I am here, O Fallen One!

URFPA: You must listen to me, thou art my life's final light. As the dark comes o'er me, thou shine brightest in mind's waning eye!

URF: What would you bade me do, Grandfather?

URFPA: Urf...thou must spread the glory of our manatee clan throughout all Runeterra. For too long have we been the playmates of solitude and obscurity. It is time for this clan to rise to power and knowledge! I plead you, obey my final decree...

(Lights dim as URFPA dies)

URFINGTON: Fetch the casket. He breathes no longer.

(ACT 1, Scene 2: Outside of the Den)
(URF floats alone in the water, clutching a spatula)

URF: O Sea Gods, hear my cry! As death approaches, I alone inherit the responsibilities of hoisting my clan to the scaffolds of prestige. I alone wield my grandfather's spatula. I alone am chosen by desperate fate to breach the surface of this aquatic portal that lies between my pleasant hearth and the lair of the unknown! Because of this, I shall succeed. Come, o silver spatula! Thy silver sheen shall light the way to destiny!

(URF swims upwards, and, with a mighty leap, clears the water's surface and lands upon the beach)

URF: Truly, one may only appreciate the surface world upon seeing it through one's own lenses. But how shall my journey commence? Guidance, I pray for Guidance!

(SORAKA enters from stage left)

SORAKA: You! You are born of manatee!

URF: Greetings, surface dweller! I am known as Urf, the Manatee. Do not fear, I come with no intent to harm.

SORAKA: Urf...I am known by the names of the stars.

URF: Art thou Artemis, the stalwart huntress? Or Big Dipper, that which scoops the skies?

SORAKA: Alas, not literally my friend. I am the Starchild, Soraka.

URF: Soraka. 'Tis a fine name for a lady like yourself.

SORAKA: May blessings shower thy bodily vessel, as well as thy noble soul. I heard a plea for guidance, and I have arrived to answer. What dost thou desire, manatee?

URF: Milady, I an tasked with making every ear in Valoran hear the name of the manatee! But I could shout hard enough to make Atlas drop his load, and it would accomplish nothing, should noone choose to listen.

SORAKA: You seek the League of Legends, the holy battlegrounds where swords clash, predators hunt, and the brave prove their worth in honored combat.

URF: Yes! What is this "League Of Legends" of which thou speak?

SORAKA: Thou must master the art of patience, my amphibious ally! Come with me to the glorious Institute of War, and thou shall learn that with which to sate thy thirst!

(Both exit, Stage Right)

(ACT 2, SCENE 1: Inside of a Zaunite Inn)

(SORAKA and URF sit at a table, alone aside from the BARTENDER, who is viciously scrubbing some viscous fluid from a jug. An old television sits in the corner)

SORAKA: We should not dwell here longer than is required, Sirrah. We find ourselves in Zaun, a breeding ground for grotesque abominations.

URF: Ugh, was one of them plucked and placed inside mine cup? This drink is vile.

(Suddenly, there is a pounding at the door, Stage Left. The characters turn to it until it crashes to the ground, revealing DR. MUNDO.)

SORAKA: Forsooth, The Madman Of Zaun! What business have you here, mutated one.

DR. MUNDO: I, being Dr. Mundo, go where the wind blows my fancy, where the light signals, and where the siren's call demands. For, you see, Mundo goes where he pleases.

URF: What...what are you? Are all surface dwellers tinged with such a violet hue?

DR. MUNDO: Silence, I command thee! I have come to view today's grand spectacle at the Fields Of Justice.

SORAKA: The League Of Legends?

URF: A chance to gaze upon my destiny! Please, good Doctor, utilize thine power to open my eyes to the battlegrounds!

DR. MUNDO: Sure.

(MUNDO tosses a cleaver at the T.V., which crackles to life, revealing a new scene as the lights fade.)

(ACT 2, Scene 2: At the Fields Of Justice)
(TRYNDAMERE and TWISTED FATE stand in the middle lane, battling back a horde of minions.)

TRYNDAMERE: By my sword, fortune smiles upon us today!

TWISTED FATE: So decrees the one purloining my last hits...

(A Voice plays, saying: "JAX IS MIA&quot

TRYNDAMERE: JAX? Why that knave! Thinkest he that his post shall best my blade this day! That fool, that rascal, that overgrown grape! I shall mount his corpse atop my blade! Twisted Fate, come with me! We hunt!

(Suddenly, JAX leaps in from stage right and slams TWISTED FATE to the ground)

JAX: I suppose you drew the Joker, Cardmaster.

TRYNDAMERE: Jax, thou hast slain my partner! For this, thou shall pay with thine life!

(SPINNING SLASH, Jax dodges.)

JAX: King of Snows, perhaps thine eyes are still blinded by Winter's white blaze? For that was truly an unbecoming strike!

TRYNDAMERE: Stand and fight, scoundrel!

(TRYNDAMERE slashes at JAX again, but he ducks under the strike and uses his lamppost to jab at his enemy's gut.)

TRYNDAMERE: That speed!

JAX: Wherefore has thine bravery left you, Barbarian? Perhaps thy tongue is as frozen as thine eyes! Taste my wrath!

(JAX strikes TRYNDAMERE down, leaving his body to crash to the floor)

JAX: See you when you respawn. Then perhaps thy will shall be strong enough to best my lamp!

(Lights Dim)

ACT 3, SCENE 1: Institute Of War
(SORAKA and URF enter from Stage Left into the gleaming crystal hallway. Along the walls we can see stained glass portraits of champions, including Jax)

URF: That battle we witnessed in Zaun 'twas truly incredible. As I looked upon the warriors, I felt my liver stir with life ((Back in Shakesperean times, the Liver was thought to do what we know the heart does now! Anyway, back to the play)) and my mind break its natural bonds!

SORAKA: The thrill is no less when thine own two feet rest upon the battlefield itself, Sirrah.

URF: And behold this portrait! It is the one known as Jax! Truly a warrior with the Fates on his side, that one. Doing battle against that savage King using only a light fixture! What a brave and incredible soul! Jax!

(JAX enters, Stage Left)

JAX: Forsooth, I heard mine name! 'Twas it you, Starchild?

SORAKA: Twas not I who sung thy praises, Grandmaster. 'Twas my friend, Urf The Manatee, who has ventured from far away to join our group, as a champion!

(URF bows.)

URF: It is an honor to meet thee, Sir Jax!

JAX: *laughs* Welcome, young Urf The Manatee. I see that thou hast viewed last nights battle, when I was betwixt a turret and a raging King Tryndamere, and my weapon granted me the sweetest of victories!

URF: I am humbled, Sir Jax! Allow me to display my weapon, the Silver Spatula of the Manatee clan!

(Silver Spatula sparkles.)

JAX: Why, I have never seen a blade of this make before!

SORAKA: 'Tis no blade, Jax. 'Tis an instrument of hamburger synthesis.

JAX: Ah, another joins my camradarie of unusual weapon wielders! Mine eyes have never beheld a tool quite this light-catching! I would shower thee with praise if thou permitted me to hold it and test its might.

URF: The Manatee Clan is honored, Sir Jax!

JAX: *takes spatula* The graces of the gods upon you, dear friend! I shall present you with a gift! Here, you may have this Gatling Gun.

(JAX somehow pulls a Gatling Gun out of his back pocket)

URF: Wow!

SORAKA: Urf, perhaps we should retire to the Office of Directors and schedule thy Judgement anon!

(URF excitedly runs off Stage Right)

JAX: Why, he makes haste to the Fields of Justice! 'Tis an impatient being, the manatee.

SORAKA: Jax, pray tell, is there any warrior currently training on the Fields?

JAX:...Zounds! Hurry Soraka! The wolf is hungry!

(Both exit Stage Right)

(ACT 3, Scene 2: The River)
(BARON NASHOR looks on into the river as URF giddily paddles back and forth)

URF: Could it be! Yes, 'tis good fate that guided me here to the Fields Of Justice. Here shall I set up my new hearth, and join the ranks of the Champions!

(Bushes Rustle)

URF: Who is there?

(A figure leaps from the brush, it's GAREN.)

GAREN: Thou are not the Blood Hunter!

URF: Sir, I fear a grave misunderstanding is afoot! I am a new arrival, Urf The Manatee!

GAREN: Ah, a thousand pardons Urf The Manatee. I am Garen, and I seek the villainous Warwick. Once he is slain, my training session shall be at it's dusk, and tomorrow's victory shall light at dawn! Fare thee well, manatee!

(GAREN runs off Stage Right)

(The lights dim as we hear an ominous barking and growling)

URF: Sir Garen, is something wrong?

(The lights flash as WARWICK appears)

WARWICK: Garen cannot protect thee now...

URF: What? What is the meaning of this?

WARWICK: Thou art looking a little plump. *Extends Claws* What say thee to a bit of a...snack?

(The lights instantly flick off, we hear WARWICK's howl, followed by the sounds of a Hungering Strike.)

ACT 3, Scene 3: The River, Nighttime

(JAX, SORAKA, and GAREN appear from Stage Right)

GAREN: And this spot is where I last saw him. Mark my words, Demacians do not lie.

JAX: Behold! Oh, darkest of days!

(SORAKA parts the brush, revealing URF's body.)

SORAKA: His flesh raked, his body gouged, what sort of nefarious hellspawn could have done this?

JAX: Alas, Soraka. I think we know.

GAREN: No! I could have saved him...could have warned him! By mine eyes, I saw him as a fellow Champion, immortal on the Fields, than as a guest!

SORAKA: Oh, Urf! Thy quest to spread the name of Manatee has reached a bloody finale!

GAREN: Although we never truly knew thee...thou shalt not be forgotten, Urf The Manatee.

(SORAKA and GAREN leave Stage Left, in tears. JAX kneels next to the body, and places the spatula upon its head.)

(Lights Fade)


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Whew, that was quite a write...Upvotes and Comments are most certainly welcome, as I am planning to enter this into the Urf Day 2012 contest. By the way, does anyone know exactly how to do that?

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Residents of the U.S. states of Arizona and Massachusetts and the province of Quebec, Canada are not eligible to enter, participate, or win.


I really wanted to do something....

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Puny Ancus




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Senior Member


(POLLY dries his tears, for great is the impact the play had in his emotions)

-Bravo, bravisimo!

(POLLY applauds the great work and lefts the theatre)

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bananas are fun

Junior Member


this is a great play if it comes to the stage plz record it.