What'd you think of the story?

Great! 41 49.40%
Good 19 22.89%
Average 7 8.43%
Poor 5 6.02%
Sucks! 11 13.25%
Voters: 83. You may not vote on this poll

[YOUSO1337 FANFICTION] The Dragon of Desolation (Leona-centric + OC)

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razorrpg

Recruiter

01-25-2013

Plz post it soon
Its an amazing story.


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Youso1337

Member

02-05-2013

Chapter 12 finished! It's split between Page 1 and 2 of this topic, so check them out!


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Jesonomi

Senior Member

02-05-2013

Just when I expected it be done, looks like there's a bit more to go through.
Excellent chapter.


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Youso1337

Member

02-13-2013

It's been 1 year since the parrot said he'd drop by and leave a comment.

Nothing...


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saladeo

Senior Member

02-14-2013

Where did he say that?


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Youso1337

Member

02-14-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by saladeo View Post
Where did he say that?
Check the opening post. I quoted him there.


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Youso1337

Member

02-27-2013

Bump.


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Magister Gir

Senior Member

02-27-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Youso1337 View Post
Thanks. I know a lot of the fanfics that can be floating around are pretty much trash, so I try to avoid that by making my story worthwhile.

Glad you like Plagueis. Trust me, he'll continue to be badass in future chapters. Yeessss...
ok first, this, THIS right here when i was reading through the comments finally finish skim reading this story. Really?! I would almost say that Jakyo's freaking highschool LoL Real life story was better than this, but I'd be lying because that story was a PoS, but Morgana's and Kog'maws WTF love story is better than this and to say that your story is worthwhile and what we OBVIOUSLY f'ucking want is just disgusting. I'm sorry I don't mean to make this ONE post the main part of the beginning in my post to this story but my GOD! You are just f'ucking disgusting and despicable. *sigh* ok I'm done now moving on.

First, your story is boring to me, well not entirely you had some moments that got me going "oh boy oh boy" but then I just went back to "ok back to skim reading" really you lost interest so quickly. Next thing is the LuxxLeona you are playing around that bush so badly it's annoying, it's like a really bad soap show of they both love each other but they won't admit so they see each other as sisters but they do all the Lesbian stuff but they really only mean it as sisters WTF are you doing with them!? Are they a couple or not?! Make your damn mind up. Also I don't understand why the whole lesbian stuff with Lux when she's born in Demacia as a noble, honestly I would see her family banishing her from their family, Garen being ashamed, and Jarvan losing a love interest if they found out she was one. This isn't common century stuff where lesbians are generally accepted.

up next you have your character just so broken its not even a good character anymore, if you had done this a bit differently make him strong but not so to where he can take on Gods and be immune to everything but enough so to beat most champions, give him so plot, some development, "yessss yessss this pleases me so yessss", ye I think your character can honestly use some story aside being some bad ass that just destroys everything.

Lets look at the good side though of your character now. He's interesting, to a point. He doesn't really have a motive to kill everything, he just wants to which I honestly like, why the hell do I need a motive to kill something? I just want to! I like it not some big fancy drawn and over used story. Though I skimmed read a lot though so i might've missed the motive all together which I don't really care then. your character can be "hurt" and that's it.

Now the utterly bad stuff, your OC is just freaking God of God's basically. Why even write a story when this guy can just destroy everything even other dimensional Gods, oh wait I know why he's so easily tricked by a human which he can apparently sever all mental ties with EVEN other mental ties that aren't connected with him but can't tell when he's being lied to WOW how the hell is this dragon so Godly again? Your OC SCREAMS for a background, I mean literally SCREAMS for one, why is he so powerful, why is he never ending? Why is it only Solari relics can kill him and powers of light (cliche use there)?ok I get it you want a Dark vs Light story fine w/e. Next is your OC's superior over everything there is and immunity to apparently a lot of magic, like Nasus's Wither no matter how powerful you are, you're body will age and rot leaving you nothing but dust UNLESS preserved or kept in tact through magic, which btw, you never explained. Also enough of the "yesssss, yessss you will die yesssss" it's one thing to use like every so often when he has an evil plot or something but he uses almost ALL the time! It's redundant, repetitive, and just hands down annoying since it's bolded and in our faces basically. Ok I'm just.. I'm just going to stop here.

Lets do the side characters now, shall we? Lets start with Pantheon, the support role in this story. I like him, he's mean, he's forceful, he's to the point, he's a person who uses actions and very straight forward answers which I would see a man like Mantheon actually doing. Good job on that. Now you have characters like Rumble and Karthus. Two good and great characters in your story now that you brought forth just... just.... to build momentum and then! Be let down utterly as they get destroyed with such ease. I mean really you bring two good characters one a genius with machines and another a lich, probably the most powerful lich there is in Runeterra, just to be destroyed like they were flies and I was swatting them with them with an over sized fly swatter. Do you know the meaning of over doing it just a bit much? You should really stop it, it's not good. You had a great thing going with Karthus, two great and very powerful beings conflicted against each others wills just.... to have Karthus utterly destroyed and over killed ruining ANY good plot development, hell you could of even done a little funny thing with these two if did it that way and STILL keep it a serious story. I guess my next thing is, where's any of the humor? I mean I know this is a dreadful and intense story but you can throw in SOME humor hell even the old gag of Nasus chasing after a ball OR SOMETHING! Too much seriousness can be a downfall if nothing actually lightens up the mood. ALso you have people like Xerath and Brand now in the League, one a freaking God, and the other with unlimited amount of power that can throw LIGHTENING from his fingertips, he's throwing pure freaking energy around and yet your OC is supposedly more terrifying!? Ok aside from that you do a good job on your side characters its just when you involve your OC its just stupid and redundant except for Jarvan IV

Now the champions you DIDN'T involve and even mention that should of been mentioned. Cho'Gath is the BIGGEST one of all of this. He is THE terror of the void and no one else is if you read his lore he literally ALLOWS the League to contain him, I don't know why they but seems they changed it from when i read it so what ever moving on. Xerath, a being of pure and unlimited energy. He actually does deserve a mention when you have a being, two know actually , who believes himself to be perfection and all powerful just sits by watching. "hmm yes i like this dragon, I mean it's not like he's just rummaging around MY insects and provoking that he is strongest no no what nonsense I shouldn't obliterate him right now". Next you belittling Gods like Nasus, Nasus is the curator of the sands. He controls life and death and has lived for who knows how long. Being said how is it that he has never heard of your OC or how he is defeated OR even how the weapon was created OR how Nasus could possibly not know his spells wouldn't work OR! You get the picture? You turned a God to a mere ant.

moving on. Your plot development. "I'm all powerful roar roar roar, I can't be killed roar roar roar, your all stupid roar roar oh wait I mean yessss yessss yesssss" that's all I ever read. If there was ever some development I didn't see it aside from your wtf love interest with Lux and Leona and Swain wanting to control the dragon.
"we want the dragon under are control" *GASPS* you mean you didn't want to destroy it how did no one see this coming!? Oh wait Pantheon did and so did the readers, I hope. Especially with freaking Swain showing an interest.

I think I'll sto- wait wait I remember what the last thing I was going to comment on now. YOU! Don't bump your thread, let your readers do it. Do you honestly, HONESTLY believe you are the BEST writer?! I bet you do because that's how you come off, as a ****ing a'hole and a half who has a self-superiority complex. Honestly! THen you even call out people who don't like your story or voted no on your poll? Are you joking with me?! You sir have no right to write a story, you're just terrible if you have to call someone out because they voted no on your poll

edit: oh wait you actually did finish! My god you open up another plot entirely now and then just leave it I honestly thought that was going to be your savor right there, I guess not.


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saladeo

Senior Member

02-28-2013

riot could get you to monitor the forums magister, your critic could be beter but i think it is something, dont bash people so much tough.


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Magister Gir

Senior Member

02-28-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by saladeo View Post
riot could get you to monitor the forums magister, your critic could be beter but i think it is something, dont bash people so much tough.
i honestly tried my best to AVOID this one but after seeing it re-emerge from where ever it was caused me to raise some flags amd read it expectong it to be mediocre at bestand i was... somewhat let down, it was a mediocre story with good descriptions that were over down and drawn out a long with the other problems i pointed out. But there were good things that kept it floating i just think this could of used a different writer honestly.

me? A monitor? that would be interesting enough to say i wonder why they would do it..... i guess it'll give me a reason to read all the stories, i guess.