|Udyr versus Irelia||11||19.30%|
|Udyr versus Lee Sin||5||8.77%|
|Udyr versus the Wiles of Women||16||28.07%|
|The Formation of Pentakill (multi part story)||10||17.54%|
|Wukong and Ahri||14||24.56%|
|Irelia and Zelos (a multi part story)||11||19.30%|
|A OC original story set in the LoL universe||9||15.79%|
|Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 57. You may not vote on this poll|
Pentakill Part 3
The Institute had no graves, nowhere to inter their dead, no mortuary rites or practices. It unsettled the gravedigger. A man hunched with age, his large burly arms showing centuries of his hard work, his mottled green skin a clear indication that he was no longer truly alive. He gripped his shovel tighter, this was all he had. He couldn’t remember anything from his past life, just his duty of digging graves and his name: Yorick Mori. He looked up at the night sky, counting the stars that blanketed the black. Suddenly, he heard music. They were the softest of notes, but it was nonetheless. Yorick shifted to his feet and lumbered over to the source of the sound. He peered from the pathway at the front gates of the Institute. There an ogre of a man, encased in metal armor, juxtaposed the tiny, fragile creature that stood next to him. It was a woman with shining aqua hair and brilliant golden strands who played a strange stringed instrument.
The front doors creaked open, and an overwhelming blackness enveloped the landscape. A skeletal figure wrapped in black and crimson robes and a tall headdress walked out and stood next to the other two. The woman strummed a few more notes from her instrument, entrancing Yorick. He was not sure why, he was not even sure what the moisture on his face was, but he was entranced at the sound of her music. The armored being raised a large fist to the sky, where a sickening miasma surged from it. The sound of two dozen hoofs slamming into the ground could be heard. From around the bend of the road, a nightmarish carriage came into sight. Framed in bones, encased with ectoplasm the carriage was pulled by six skeletal horses and driven by the shadow of a man. Yorick watched the metal man help the fragile woman into the carriage. When their skeletal companion motioned for the same, the metal man ignored him and thundered in. Yorick was about to go back to his thinking spot when the robed skeleton suddenly twisted its head and stared at Yorick. It snapped its attention back to the carriage and disappeared from view.
A few evenings later, Yorick sat at his spot yet again. Nothing had changed. His one want, his one dream was still out of his grasp. He sighed, no matter how much he fought for the League, there were always more who did not know him rather than those who did. The sound of heavy boots pricked his ears, though he did not show it. Hunched over he could hear a hoarse, blackened voice, “As I said, he would be here.”
A louder, deeper and more booming voice followed, “Hmph. So what.”
The robed skeletal figure and the metal man from yesterday were now in plain sight of Yorick. He did not regard them. The skeleton rasped out, “Do you know who we are, gravedigger?”
“You are Karthus the Deathsinger. Lich.” Yorick pointed at the armored being, “And you are Mordekaiser, the Master of Metal.”
Karthus clapped his skeletal hands together, “Excellent, I see introductions are out of the way, Yorick Mori.” The gravedigger snorted, “You only know that name because of the League.”
If Karthus could, he would have rolled his eyes. Mordekaiser grunted at Karthus, “I do not see the point in all of this, lich.”
“Of course you do not, you are a behemoth. Let’s just say this is fast forwarding for your little Maven, hm?” Mordekaiser’s metal armor groaned from him shifting his weight. Karthus stood in front of Yorick and continued, “You heard her music yesterday, did you not?”
Yorick did not answer. The lich pressed on, “Did you cry?” Still no answer. Karthus laughed a hoarse laugh, “No reason to try and even attempt at lying to me. I can sense it, you still own your soul after all. It would be impossible to ignore her plucking.” Mordekaiser snapped at Karthus, “They are not plucks, lich.”
Karthus glared at Mordekaiser, “I am aware of that. He is aware of that. We are all aware of that. Do stop interrupting me or I will have to silence you.” He flicked a glance at Yorick, “The point is that the gravedigger was very receptive to it. Have you not wondered why, Mori?”
“No.” Yorick stated. He truly had not. It was of little consequence to him. He could not help but hum what he heard every now and then, but had put no thought behind why. It was not his job to question. It was not his goal to know why. Karthus’ bony fingers creaked, “Right, on to my purpose, I want you to join Pentakill.”
Mordekaiser and Yorick both grunted in surprise. Yorick glared at Karthus, “Why would I do that? I have no musical talent. I am a gravedigger, a groundskeeper. Nothing more, nothing less.” Mordekaiser moved to agree with Yorick when the Deathsinger raised a bony hand at him, silencing the Master of Metal. Karthus hoarsely laughed once more, “You really did forget, didn’t you? How intriguing.”
Karthus shifted his robes ever so slightly, “Tell me if this song sound familiar. I am sure it does.” Karthus sang a rather strange song. It was about digging graves, from sunrise to sunset, and going home for a practiced eternal sleep. Yorick rose to his feet and shuffled towards Karthus. With one fell swing of his shovel, he decapitated the lich. Mordekaiser burst out laughing, his booming voice easily heard even in the Institute. Karthus’ head rolled several feet away. He mockingly spoke, “Right, if you are going to act that way Mr. Mori, then we have no business here. Mordekaiser? Grab my skull and let us be off.”
Yorick growled out, “How do you know that song?” Karthus laughed once more, “Do you even know what the song is?”
Yorick fell silent. He did not. It felt familiar to him, it stirred his cold blood, but he did not know the meaning of the song, its lyrics, or its origin. Mordekaiser picked up the lich’s skull and the headdress that usually adorned Karthus. The Deathsinger continued, “I know everyone and everything that has ever died and will die, Mori. I only need to gaze into the stream and read it. I know your family lineage.”
The gravedigger stiffened. He readied his shovel and struck the ground. Clawed hands tore at the earth, ghouls springing out. While Mordekaiser reaffixed Karthus’ skull and headdress back onto his body, Yorick rumbled forward. “Tell me.”
Karthus looked at Yorick and laughed, “I will not. I only know bits and pieces, for now.” The lich pointed at the ghouls accompanying Yorick, promptly exploding them. Necromantic energy filled the air. The Deathsinger lowered his finger and continued, “With enough time, I could tell you everything. But you don’t want that, do you? You want to be remembered. You do not care about your own memory of your family or your past, you want everyone else to know the family name of Mori right here, right now, in this day and age.”
Yorick gripped his shovel tighter. More ghouls sprung up from the ground, dozens of them surrounding Karthus and Mordekaiser, “Leave.”
Karthus’ unnerving gaze bore into Yorick’s eyes, “I do not grant boons. I do not grant favors asked of me unless they are for death. I am Karthus, the Deathsinger. And this? This is my first boon given to anyone since I died. Do try and be thankful.” Looking at Mordekaiser the lich hissed, “Told you he’d summon them. Now, the instrument.”
Mordekaiser raised his fist to the sky while Karthus swept his hand around in a circle. The muscles of the ghouls tore apart, their bones raced to him while lightning struck the iron man. Bone and muscle tissue flew towards the lich at first, which was then redirected to Mordekaiser. A flash of lightning erupted from Mordekaiser, consuming the flesh, tendons and bones. A bass guitar now rested in his hands. Karthus ripped it out of Mordekaiser’s hands and handed it to Yorick. It was shaped like a battle axe, had only three strings that stretched across his black and pale scarlet body, and the neck ended in a skull with three metal spikes that acted like tuners. Yorick grumbled, “And what do you want me to do with this?”
“Why, to play it of course. You used to be quite the bassist in your youth. What was your band called?” Karthus snapped his fingers, “Hm. I am not sure if I should tell you. It’d ruin some of the mystique, Yorick ‘the Hammer’ Mori. Admittedly, this techmaturgic bass is a little different from the acoustic one you owned, but the same principle in the end.” Karthus shrugged, “We have a concert outside the city walls of Institute in three days. I expect to see you there, Mister Mori.”
Karthus barked at Mordekaiser, “Time to go, oh great and powerful metal master.” Mordekaiser grunted at the lich, “This was a waste of time.”
Yorick finally spoke up, his voice more clear than before, “I am only a gravedigger. What is your stake in this?” Karthus stopped and palmed his skull. He spun around and pointed at Yorick, “You have heard that fleshbag, right? Her music?”
Yorick nodded, Karthumes continued, “When you meet her, you will see. If you decide to, I mean. You would have to be the greatest fool in history not to, seeing as your final goal would be finally met. But luckily, I am not you. I am not the fool who is questioning the silver platter being handed to me.”
“Why are you in a band, then?” The gravedigger questioned, “You are Karthus. You care not for life.” The lich clapped his hands together, “Why, that’s an easy enough answer: All you have to do is to come to the show.”
Karthus raised his bony hand and a twisted portal appeared before them. Walking through it, he motioned to Mordekaiser who grunted at him, “Why did you not do this before?” Karthus bluntly responded, “You get to show off impracticality, I will show you practicality.” The lich walked through the portal, disappearing into the thick black veil. The master of metal looked back and grunted at Yorick, “What she sees in you, I do not know.”
And with that, Yorick was left alone with a shovel in one hand, and a bass guitar in another. He placed his beloved shovel onto the ground and plucked a string. The deep bass sound vibrated the nearby trees. For the first time in centuries, Yorick smiled.
Three days later, the crowd had gathered at the foot of the stage. Mordekaiser was doing last minute tuning while Karthus rested in a nearby chair, his skull hanging low. A woman with brilliant crimson hair made her way towards the lich. Karthus hissed, “What do you want, Sona?”
Sona smiled and curtsied before the lich, playing a few notes Why…look down? Karthus’ bones creaked as he got to his feet, “Nothing.”
Did…talk…him? Sona played several more notes. Karthus nodded, “You were wrong this time, Maven. He wants to sit in his squalor. He is an idiot.” Sona sighed and shook her head, playing a few more notes, Give…time.
Karthus walked over to the main stage and summoned a microphone in hand. Looking at Mordekaiser he was about to question him about the concert setup when he saw a large stovepipe hat bob towards them. Karthus snapped at Mordekaiser, “Do me a favor and squint for me. I haven’t been able to since my eyelids rotted off.”
The crowd murmured to one another as a large, hunched man made his way to the front of the stage. He wore a large stove hat and a ripped jean vest, accompanied by a pair of jean pants and steel toed boots with vicious spikes. In his hands he held the bass guitar. Mordekaiser leaned over and held out a menacingly large hand to the gravedigger. Grasping the Master of Metal’s hand, Yorick was pulled up on stage. He glanced at Karthus, calmly stating, “I remember…bits, and pieces. This was my look.”
Karthus nodded his head, “Yes, yes, very nice. Now get ready, the concert is to start soon.” As Yorick hobbled past the lich, Karthus could not help but see the embroidered “PENTAKILL” stitched on the back of the jean vest. Yorick shuffled to the crimson haired woman and regarded her with soft grumbles, “So…you are Sona. I have not seen you off the Fields of Justice.”
Sona strummed a few notes, It is wonderful to finally meet you off the fields, Yorick. He understood that. How could he? Sona strummed a few more notes, You understand because you still have a soul. Do not ever forget that. Moisture trickled down Yorick’s face. What took the Summoners in his judgement obscene amounts of magic, took this woman but a few strokes of her instrument. Who was she, and how was she able to do this? Looking over at the lich, Karthus actually shrugged his shoulders. Sona waved at Mordekaiser with her free hand, strumming more notes, Mordekaiser? Can you run Yorick through the songs we will be playing? I need to do one last thing before I am ready. Please.
Mordekaiser grunted and stormed over. Grabbing Yorick’s shoulder he gave a quick nod to the Maven and dragged the gravedigger away. Mordekaiser forced Yorick to the front of the stage. His deep voice bluntly stated, “The songs do not matter. You will be able to improvise well enough. Right now you need an introduction.” Yorick raised an eyebrow, “I do not th-”
Mordekaiser slammed on his guitar, sending out a loud screeching note ripping through the ears of the audience. Karthus grabbed his microphone, “Foolish mortals! Your time of reckoning has drawn even closer!” The audience cheered, Karthus laughed his hoarse laugh, “Oh, you cheer now, but you will soon start screaming! Tonight we have grown exponentially in power! The living and the dead shall be one, now that we have Yorick Mori in our ranks!”
The audience kind of fell into a hush and looked at one another in confusion. He was a newer champion in the League, not many people knew of his existence even. They were puzzled by the mention of his name. Yorick’s heart sank. His heart sank? What a strange feeling. He thought he had long lost it. Mordekaiser stepped forward, “Do not bother, Deathsinger. You can see they care not for the mewlings of a grave robber.” Yorick’s eyes blazed with anger, another emotion he thought long lost. No one insults his profession. He bellowed, “I don’t think they heard you over the squeaky noises you call a guitar!”
Mordekaiser shot a murderous glance at Yorick, “Then come, Yorick Mori. Show these fools what you are made of.” Yorick, with bass firmly locked in hand, started to play.
Sona softly stepped back onto the stage, her stringed instrument in hand. She was legitimately shocked at what was happening. She wanted to intervene, but hearing Yorick’s playing made her stop, and listen with a smile on her face.
Yorick’s fingers plucked a few notes at first, jokingly so. The audience was deadly quiet, they knew better than to boo. Mordekaiser’s shoulders shuffled, he was stifling his laughter. Karthus on the other hand, stared knowingly at the gravedigger. In a moment, Yorick’s fingers disappeared into a flurry of notes. Yorick’s deep bass reverberated throughout the crowd. It quaked their hearts and churned their stomachs. Mordekaiser mockingly clapped, “Excellent, you can actually play. Get off stage, your lack of skill is not needed in Pentakill.” Yorick grinned at Mordekaiser, “You first.”
He just challenged the Master of Metal. Mordekaiser gripped his axe, “You dare, ghoul? You dare challenge the might of the great king and master Mordekaiser?”
“I do,” Yorick bluntly replied. “I was once named the Hammer. I will show you why.” Mordekaiser grunted in response and started his trademarked shredding.
Yorick’s calloused fingers blazed across the body of the bass. If one were to time it, he would have easily clocked in at twelve hundred beats per minute. No one in Runeterra had ever heard such fast playing, not in centuries. Locked deep within the muscle memory of Yorick Mori was his old skill, back in the time of the first Rune War, back in his youth. He was Yorick “The Hammer” Mori, and he would show the world who he was. As Mordekaiser’s playing intensified, so did Yorick’s. Slowing down in tempo, Yorick started slapping and popping his base in intricate rhythm. He would suddenly slow down to a snail crawl, back to his insane speed, go somewhere down a happy middle, then increase the speed. He was random, he was energetic, and he was skilled.
Mordekaiser laughed, “Not bad! Not bad at all! The Master of Metal has decided to let you stay.” Yorick shook his head, “Not yet.”
Dark magic coursed through Yorick’s body, and in a mere moment another Yorick stood. A much paler version of him, it was a duplicate of Yorick’s soul: A revenant. He too had a bass guitar in hand. Both the Yoricks started their playing once more, slapping and popping their basses in different rhythm and tempo but synergizing with one another. Mordekaiser was overcome, he could no longer play his guitar as he stood in awe of the two Yoricks ripping into their bass. That was when he noticed something strange about the crowd. It had grown larger, much larger, with the dead and the d*mned numbering amongst them. No one seemed to notice, or care that the dead now stood with them. Yorick’s deep bass sounds reverberated throughout all of Valoran, even in the frosty Freljords it stirred the flesh of long interred corpses.
Yorick finally finished his solo, giving his revenant a quick tip of his stovepipe hat as it faded away, and the crowd was deathly silent. A cheer ripped through the air like a tidal wave, they wanted more. Karthus laughed, “Mr. Mori, fools and ghouls! Scream for him!” The crowd followed Karthus’ command and screamed, “Mori! Mori! Mori!”
Karthus tilted the microphone downwards and yelled, “I SAID SCREAM YOU WORMS!”
“MORI! MORI! MORI! MORI!”
Karthus shot a glare back at Yorick, Yorick sniffled and wanted to wipe away a tear. They were chanting his name. He raised his hand to his face when an armored glove stopped him. Mordekaiser patted the gravedigger’s shoulder, “Excellent playing. Welcome to Pentakill.”
Yorick nodded and gripped his bass and nodded, “Lead on. I will follow to Hell and back.”
Mordekaiser grunted and readied his guitar when he felt a soft hand tap his arm. He looked down at the small figure of Sona who smiled at him. She strummed a few strings, Thank you, Mordekaiser.
Mordekaiser snorted, “It was your seeking that brought them together. We are now a band, that is all. Do not think I have not seen through you, Maven. You have brought us together for a reason.”
Sona nodded her head, Yes, I did. But without you, my dream would never have been achieved. It is only because you helped that we are even here. So, thank you, Mordekaiser. For everything. Mordekaiser’s ruby eyes burned at her, she silently laughed, You will never change, will you?
Mordekaiser snorted, “I am the Master of Metal. Nothing more, nothing less.” Sona frowned and prodded his chest, playing a few stern notes, I mean it. Do not change, please.
Karthus snapped at the two, “Not sure if you know this, but we have a concert to play. Start. Playing.” The lich looked over at the crowd and laughed hysterically, “This first song, I think you all know, but it’s a proper start, eh? HAIL! HAIL! PENT-A-KILL! HAIL! HAIL! PENT-A-KILL!”
The crowd and even the undead followed the chant. They had no other choice. When faced with such music, with such a band, how could they falter in their orders? They cheered, they rocked, they headbanged. Pentakill grew in power yet again, and there was no stopping it this juggernaut of music.
Let the heavens weep. Let the people mourn the loss of their innocence. Let hell itself clamor, in envy of the greatest band ever created!
ALL! HAIL! PENT! AH! KILL!
I'm speechless. Really. Pentakill has always been one of my favorite concepts in Runeterra, and yet, I've never been able to fit a rationale behind it that adequately pieced the band together...
Well, you've done it just fine! This is really great, and I hope you keep it up.
Actually, that's pretty much the last of the Pentakill stories until a drummer (if ever) is announced. Next is Mordekaiser's Choice, then the next batch of short stories. I just can't bring myself to do Karthus' Lament anymore, and I pretty much incorporated some of the thoughts behind it into his Pentakill part.
Copy pasting from my previous post about the poll. Sry mates.
I’m coming to the end of this batch of short stories! The next one is going to be called “Mordekaiser’s Choice,” then I’m going to be writing up a new batch of Short Stories. I was going to make another poll on the main LoL forum for it, but with how many people come by for these stories, I figured I’d make a poll for Fanfic! So, check my profile, and vote up to 3 stories that you want to see most!
This is how I’m going to be doing the short stories from now on, to be able to help organize the ones I want to write, and also to give me time to plan out some more for the future =p
Also, would you guys want me to make another poll for the short stories here on these forums? I can add the numbers together from the two polls together and go from there.
Right, so it's been a while since I've posted here, but here it is!
Udyr vs the Wiles of Women 2: More Wiley, More Women, Part 1!
A round of applause roared from a seated crowd. They surrounded a stage which had a dozen chairs, a few coffee tables and a large, golden, metallic golem sitting at a desk. It was wearing a formal business suit. A familiar Summoner walked onto the stage and waved at the crowd, “Now now folks, I know you missed me, but calm yourselves!”
“THEY-MISSED-THROWING-THINGS-AT-YOU,” the golem replied.
The crowd burst out in laughter, making the Summoner frown. “Blitzcrank, they wouldn’t do that to Horatio Valentine, would they?”
“YES WE WOULD!” The crowd eagerly responded, making Horatio roll his eyes. Clapping his hands together he continued speaking, “Welcome to another installment of Talks with the Women of the League! I’m your host, Horatio, and our beloved large friend here is…”
The crowd roared, “BLITZCRANK!” The golem waved at them, “GREETINGS-FLESHLINGS-”
Horatio lowered his voice to a more seductive tone, “Now then, today we have quite the selection of women. We really went all out for this one, folks, because this is our anniversary show as most of oyu know! And do we have an anniversary planned for you! Speaking of which, let’s meet the main guest tonight, hm?”
The Summoner smoothed his wavy blonde hair back, “Now then, ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause to the man who helped start all of this: The wild beast man of Ionia, the Animal Spirit himself: Udyr!”
Magic surged from his fingers. A burst of light filled the room, and a large burly man sailed through the air. Roaring, he grabbed Horatio by the neck and slammed him to the ground, about to strike him down when he stopped. His nose twitched. He leaned down and deeply inhaled the Summoner’s scent. Frowning, Udyr growled, “Why.”
“Hrk!” Horatio feebly struggled against him. His face was already turning blue from lack of oxygen.
“UDYR - - - THIS – IS – THE – FAVOR – I – WISH – TO – CALL – IN – REGARDING – YOU –”
The beast man looked at the golden steam golem and snorted. Dropping the Summoner, he got to his feet and brushed himself off, “Another ****ed interview? Fine.”
Blitzcrank stretched out one of his giant fingers and pointed at a lone chair. The beast man thundered over and promptly punted the comfy looking chair, sending it sailing several meters through the air. He shook an angry finger at the chair, “Not this time.”
Horatio coughed, wheezed and got to his feet. Udyr stood where the chair once stood and angrily glared at the Summoner. Cleaning himself off, Horatio spoke to the crowd once more, “Today is a special day, folks! Today, in recognition of our first big show, we have decided to bring back everyone’s favorite beast man! And with him, we shall be bringing in the lovely ladies of the League in person to speak with him face to face! How does that sound?!”
The crowd roared in approval. He looked over at Udyr, “You alright with that, Udyr?”
Horatio smiled and nodded, “The women will stay as long as they wish, they can converse with one another, it’ll be fun! Trust me!”
The Summoner weaved his hands, “In commemoration of the first time, let’s bring in our first woman! She asked the first question all those shows ago, here is a woman who can blow you away with a single look! The Storm’s Fury, Janna!”
Magic surged from his fingers. A lithe woman robed only in the finest and thinnest of white silk appeared in a burst of light. Her long, golden hair was lifted by the aura of wind that encapsulated her. She glanced at Horatio and made a slight bow towards him, “Do be careful with that tongue, Horatio. Silver’s not as good as gold.”
“SILVER-IS-LESS-MALLAEABLE-THAN-GOLD- - - STEEL-HOWEVER- IS-SUPERIOR-IN-EVERY-WAY-”
Janna’s laughter resembled dozens of bells being gently rang at the same time. She floated over and sat herself down. Looking over, she smiled at the beast man, “Hello Udyr. How have you been?”
“We are well, Storm’s Fury.”
Horatio raised an eyebrow, “I thought you and he were on more tenacious terms.”
The beautiful woman gave a beatific smile to the Summoner, “Things change, Horatio.”
H: Things change? Janna, can you tell us why you agreed to come today?
Jan: Aside from my usual lovely talk with the women of the League? It is because Udyr is here.
B: - EXPLICATE –
Jan: I have a question for him, and I wish to clear the air a bit.
H: With him?
Jan: No. With the good people of Valoran.
Jan: Udyr. I want to first and foremost say, thank you. Thank you for turning me down.
U: You are welcome.
H: Why are you…you were pretty angry about that!
Jan: Yes, I was. As some of you may know, I had recently broken up with a certain someone back then, and with those pictures being leaked, I was a bit stressed. Kar…Duchess Karma is a wonderful friend. I spoke with her and I thought I’d try for a rebound. I thought Udyr would be fun. I mean, how many letters do you think I receive from men proposing to me, never mind asking for a date? I cannot possibly remember. Udyr never tried hitting on me or seducing me or anything, so I thought maybe I’d give forbidden fruit a try.
B: I – AM – POSITIVE – HORATIO – WOULD – KNOW - - - CONSIDERING – HE – HAS – SENT – YOU – MANY – LETTERS – OF –
H: Oh hey what’s that Blitzcrank you need to be quiet right now?!
B: - - - - NO - ? – WHY – WOULD – I - - - I – DETECT– THAT – YOUR – URGE– TO – KILL – SOMEONE - IS – RISING - - - WHO – IS – THE – INTENDED – RECIPIENT - ? - - -
H: Hurgh, just…just never mind.
Jan: As I was saying, I thought it would be easy. No attachments, just a one night stand with him and his sexy abs.
Jan: Oh yes, a man with good abdominals is divine.
H: Yes, well, the beast man rarely takes his outfit off. How do you know-
*Udyr oddly cricks his shoulders backwards while his gi slips off his chest. His body is shown to be decorated in surprisingly few scars. Sculpted would be the best way to phrase his body type, bulky, but sculpted with no hair adorning his chest or stomach.*
U: Hrn…Skin. Everyone has it.
Jan: Yes…well…as you can see, he looks…looks…Oh goodness, I’m not sure how s…Mm.
Jan: Mm? Oh! Sorry, I was lost in thought. As I was saying, his abs are…they are truly sublime.
H: What about the Voidwalker?
Jan: He is quite the eye candy. It is quite hard to concentrate with him on the fields, truth be told. His however, they look kind of impossible though. I swear there are muscles I never knew existed that he has.
B: WHAT – ABOUT – THE – BLIND – MONK - ? –
Jan: …As I was saying, I was purely interested in his physical aspects than anything else. It was rather stupid of me, I admit, which is why I’m thankful.
H: So when exactly did you see him shirtless for you to be so infatuated? I don’t imagine you would just walk up to him and ask him to -
U: We disrobe when we desire to do so, like many people.
Jan: That or when Annie decides to set his clothes on fire one time because she wanted him to look more like Tibbers.
H: Wh…uh…what? Why?
Jan: According to her, Udyr’s Bear aspect is a female.
Jan: And Tibbers is a male shadow bear.
Jan: She wanted them to get married, but thought Tibbers could only love a bear who was on fire.
B: ...I – FEEL - SOME – SORT – OF –JOKE – ABOUT – MARRIAGE – WOULD – BE – APPROPRIATE – HERE – BUT – I – AM – A –GOLEM- AND –PERHAPS – I – CANNOT – ANALYZE – THE – LARGER- IMAGE- - - WHY – WOULD – A – MAN – MARRY – A – URSINE - ? –
H: Sometimes it’s called one shot too many of graggy…
Jan: *Laugh* Anyways, I spoke with Karma and decided to try my hand. He turned me down, like so many of you know, and I have come to say thank you.
H: Why is that?
U: You are welcome.
Jan: Because he didn’t think of me as a cheap lay or someone to get his rocks off with, he actually wanted me to get over my heartbreak and get my butt going! I was so angry at him that I was able to pick myself back up and properly focus on better things! You know about Zilean and my venture with the zeppelin we helped construct. Udyr made me realize my self-worth again, as a person, so I have to thank him. And maybe apologize for trying to attack him once or twice…
U: Eight times. It matters not. It is what you desire that is important in this life, not what others desire. If you truly wished for us, then this conversation would not have been had. You are worth how much you wish to be worth.
H: So…what’s your question?”
Jan: Hm? Oh, yes! Sorry, I was lost in the shine of his abs again. Which actually sort of leads into my question: Udyr, do you ever wax your body?
U: No. Never.
Jan: No? Never? Not even trim your body hair?
U: What body hair? We trim our beard and our hair.
H: …Wait…so the glisten off his skin is…
Jan: Completely natural, apparently.
Jan: Yeah…Even I need to wax my legs.
U: Is there something we are missing?
Jan: No! No no, no…not at all.
*Udyr reaches down to slip the gi back on*
Jan: Can…can you keep it off?
U: If you answer a question for us, then we see no problem.
B: -BARGAINING – EVERY – HUMAN – IS –SUSCEPTIBLE – TO – SUCH – A – THING –
U: Tell us why you spoke to the Duchess.
Jan: Why wouldn’t I? She and I are friends. We-
U: You spoke with her before the Ionian and Noxian rematch in regards to us. She was more or less unconcerned with our existence, or so we thought. What did you two speak of?
Jan: Ah…Perhaps not here? I’ll tell you after the show?
H: Oh come on, you can tell us! Right, Blitzcrank?
U: We will wait.
B: -HM - - - A – DIFFICULT – DECISION - - - BEEP – BOOP - - - CONCLUSION: BRING – IN – THE – NEXT – GUEST -
The Summoner shrugged, “I suppose we can let it go for now. For our next guest, I think we’ll go North, far north! From the frozen Freljords themselves folks, please welcome the Winter’s Wrath, Sejuani!”
Another burst of light. A pale woman stood in place of the light. Her muscular frame groaned with each flex, her corded muscles visibly tightening. Her icy blue eyes from underneath her helmet flicked back and forth, seemingly piercing into any onlooker’s soul. She looked over at Horatio and grunted, “Why am I here?”
“Ah…well…” He nervously readjusted his collar, “Well, you were asked to be a part of an interview, and well, here it is?”
Sejuani grunted and stormed over to a seat. Sitting down on it, frost started to immediately form onto the cushion. Looking over, her thin lips cricked upwards into a faint smile, her deadly cold eyes narrowed. “Udyr.”
Horatio looked between the two. The beast man surged forward, firing a strong right hook at her jaw. The Amazonian grabbed his arm, pulled him in and lifted his body above her head. Sejuani heaved him several feet away from her, frost nipping at his body. Horatio sputtered, “Wh-what the frig? Why are you fighting?!”
Sejuani looked over at the Summoner, “Why not?”
The beast man rolled up to his feet and shook his head, “This is how we greet one another.”
“Last time he broke my sternum.”
“You started it with the breaking of our clavicle.”
Janna would have said something if she was not so busy looking at the melted droplets of frost rolling off his pectorals onto his stomach.
Sejuani settled herself back in her seat, “If it is Udyr, then I will be comfortable with this interview. It should make things interesting.”
H: Okay so I have a question, why does Udyr not hate you? Or rather, why don’t you dislike Udyr?
U: Does she deserve our hate?
Sej: Should I?
H: You respect Queen Ashe, so I sort of thought-
U: Why would that interfere with our respect of Sejuani’s strength?
Sej: He is not allied with her.
H: Uh…Ionia is though.
U: That does not mean we are.
H: You won the rematch! Side by side with Queen Ashe!
Sej: This was the subject of our first discussion. I broke his clavicle then and there.
U: You hit far harder than you look you can.
H: Wait, so, you’re not allied with Ashe?
U: We are as free as the clouds. We go where we wish and we do as we wish.
Sej: Heh. You should have seen her face when he told her that. Priceless.
U: That does not mean we respect her any less.
Sej: Yeah, yeah. I know.
B: DOES – THAT – MEAN – YOU – HAVE – VISITED – THE – HOMELAND – OF –THE –WINTER’S – WRATH - ? –
H: Don’t be-
Sej: He has. I invited him.
U: A beautiful land. Truly beautiful.
Sej: He’s a shaman. It would be stupid not to have him bless our village.
H: A what? No, he’s a monk.
B: BEEP - ? –
Sej: He can speak to animals. He communicates with them. He is able to train wolves with a single growl, he can stay the hand of most animals with a single wave of his hand and he holds no allegiance to anything or anyone. He does what he feels is right, as according to nature. That is a shaman to my people and I. That is something I respect. To have him visit my people was a blessing.
H: How so?
Sej: He saved us years of training our animals by speaking with our hounds and steeds. He spoke to the birds and was told where to find food, which he proceeded to hunt and slaughter us enough food to last my people a full month. He knew which ones to prune so as to not deplete our sources while tracking the strong beasts that preyed on my people for once. As far as I’m concerned, he is welcome to the Winter’s Claw any time he wishes.
H: …I’m not buying it.
Jan: *Finally snaps out of staring* Hm? Not buying what?
H: Udyr, what is your ambition?
U: To crush all who dare oppose us, to reach up and claim the Heavens as is our right. We shall take our rightful place in the skies above.
H: Yeah, no, I’m not buying it. Udyr isn’t a charity act.
Jan: That’s rather r-
U: We enjoy speaking to wolves more than we do speaking to you, Summoner. We did it because it gave us a chance to hunt animals in a land we have never been to before. We simply cannot eat that much food, and so we parted with it.
H: You’ve never been to the Freljords?
U: Not before that visit, no. Have you?
H: Well, no. It’s really cold there. I’d freeze in seconds. How did you get there anyways?
U: We ran.
H: That’s…that’s crazy.
U: Not really. You just run quickly.
Sej: The beast man is a man I respect. When you see someone fell an ice drake with a single bone shattering strike, you tend to respect them for the sake of your own health.
U: His skull caved in. To think he was the one who attacked cattle, hmph.
H: Okay, so Sejuani, do you have any questions for the beast man?
Sej: No. I am here partly for my own amusement, and to watch others ask him questions. I wish to mostly observe.
H: Why? Are you interested?
Sej: A bit, yes. He is quite wise.
H: I didn’t mean that, but… He punches things. I wouldn’t really attribute…
Sej: Are you saying those who fight are unintelligent, Summoner of the League?
B: -REPHRASE – ONE’S – SELF –
H: I meant to say that Udyr is…well, he’s sort of a bully.
U: Surely you jest.
H: …Dude? You punch people in the face. A lot.
B: IT – IS – A – SUPERIOR – FORM – OF – NEGOTIATION - - - WE – HAVE – SEEN – MANY – AGREE – AFTER – A – FEW – CONSISTANT – STRIKES – TO – THE – CRANIUM - - -
U: We punch because it is our job in the League. We strike and kill because it is who we are as a man. We kill and we fight because it is our choice to do so. If there is someone who wishes to stop us, let them try. We will sunder them.
H: Oookay, so next question for Sejuani: Do you find Udyr attractive?
Sej: That is a vastly inappropriate question to ask me. You are lucky Summoner, your death would be viewed by everyone in this room.
H: I’m not hearing a no…*Flicks his eyebrows up and down seductively*
Sej: Blitzcrank? Either you do it, or I do it. With my mace. Only warning he gets
*A giant fist rockets out from the steam golem. The hand lightly slaps Horatio upside the head before retracting*
B: - NO –
H: Gah! Fine! Who should we bring in next?
B: -PROCESSING – INQUIRY - - - PROCESSING - - - PROCESSING - - - PROCESS –
H: Processing, I get it. Now you’re stuck in a loop, wonderful.
B: - PROCESSING - COMPLETE - - - JERK - - - A – FIERY – DEMACIAN - - -
Wiles of Women 2: Part 2!!!!
Horatio smiled. Rubbing his hands together, the Summoner spoke, “From the western land of Demacia, comes a woman full of fire and brimstone! Her draconic anger and her strength sunders the enemies of Demacia! Shyvana, the half-dragon!”
A burst of light filled the room. A blue skinned woman sat on a chair the teleported in with her, along with a darker skinned woman. The blue skinned woman wore a loose fitting, crimson dress with glistening onyx high heels to accompany it while the darker skinned woman braided her ridiculously long hair. The blue skinned woman grumbled, “I’m still not sure why I agreed to this…”
The darker skinned woman, decorated in various animal furs, leathers, claws and teeth smiled wickedly. Her golden eyes shimmered as she brushed away her own glowing obsidian hair, “It’s just a bit of fun. Besides, a special guest is supposed to be there. Surprises are always fun!”
“I hate surprises. I…” The blue skinned woman looked around, her molten eyes flicking every which way, taking in the scene before them.
The darker skinned woman followed her companion’s gaze and sighed, “Oh dear. You forgot to give us a head’s up.”
The blue skinned woman’s eye twitched. Her entire being roared with fire as she surged towards Horatio. Her skin cracked, her jaw elongated and her dress somehow seemed to melt into her scales. The Summoner had time to blink once when a pair of sturdy hands caught the dragon mid leap. The flames licked at the beast man’s skin, though it did not tarnish his flesh. Udyr thrust his face towards the gaping maw of the beast and….started nuzzling it. Growling at her, the beast man continued to nuzzle the dragon’s face and neck. The darker skinned woman stepped with quick feline steps and was at Horatio’s side in a moment, slapping him upside the head, “We weren’t ready, you ditz.”
“What…what is he doing?”
“What does it look like? Calming her.”
The draconic beast slowly shifted and melted back to her human form, her dress reappearing once more. She reached around Udyr’s head, gripped the back of it, and started to nuzzle him back. It was a strange sight, especially considering that despite his own impressive size and height, she towered over him. Udyr patted Shyvana’s shoulder, “Save your rage and fury for those deserving of your strength. No need to soil your fists on worms.”
“Uh….” Horatio was quite confused. He looked over at the darker skinned woman, questioning her, “Nidalee? Are…Are Udyr and Shyvana…?”
“What do you think?” She purred in response, smiling at him. Walking over to Udyr, she joined in nuzzling with the two.
Janna leaned over and whispered to Sejuani, “So…what is going on, and should we give them privacy?”
“To calm an animal, it is best is to make contact with it. It is to show understanding, to show recognition, and it is to show that they are not afraid.” Sejuani cricked her knuckles, “It is a primal connection.”
Blitzcrank scratched the side of his head, causing a loud metal grating sound to screech out. “- WHAT – IS –GOING – ON – HERE - ? - - - CLARIFICATION – NEEDED - ! - - -”
H: Yeah, I’m agreed on that, big buddy. Shyvana?
H: May you take a seat? I’m sorry about the impromptu summoning, we thought you were ready.
Nid: Oh stop that. You look fine. I’ll just continue braiding your hair~
H: So you’ll be joining us, Nidalee?
Nid: Don’t mind if I do.
H: Alright, so I have to ask, what the heck? You and Udyr, Lady Shyvana?
Shyv: What about him?
H: I thought someone more… polished, well-spoken, a bit more chivalrous would be-
*Suddenly, Udyr’s pectorals start dancing for no explainable reason, making Horatio stare at them in utter confusion. Shyvana eventually interrupts the growing awkward silence.*
Shyv: Do you know what I am?
H: …An elite soldier of Demacia?
Shyv: I mean my racial background, Summoner.
H: A half-dragon.
Shyv: Did I frighten you?
H: N-no, maybe a bit?
U: He almost relieved himself.
H: How do you know that?!
U: Muscle contractions in your face beget your intentions.
Shyv: How many others do you think are disturbed by my existence alone? My presence unsettles many. A few months ago, a bit after my induction to the League, Ionia and Demacia had a friendly match with one another. One of the training matches you Summoners typically host. Udyr was one of the Ionians.
U: We were curious to see a half-dragon’s might.
Nid: Sure was curious about her might, completely and utterly curious~
Nid: What? I’m agreeing with you.
Nid: Don’t make such a sour face.
Shyv: Prince Lightshield was engaged with the Will of the Blades, going toe to toe with her when both of tear out of the brush at the same time. We look at one another, and Udyr sends me flying. One hit. I was stunned, literally and figuratively, I’ve never been hit that hard by someone’s fist.
Shyv: No, n-Ah! Careful!
Nid: You had a knot.
Shyv: Don’t pull!
Jan: Ugh, I hate knots. Look, I don’t know what you and your sausage fingers are doing, so let me help.
Shyv: I don’t need two people-
Nid: Sausage fingers…I’m going to…Tch. I’m doing fine, but this is a lot of hair. Hold this.
Shyv: This is abso-
Jan: You doth protest too much. Sh.
Shyv: …Hmph. You’re lucky I’m in a better mood.
Sej: Just hack it off. Short is easier to maintain, is healthier and makes more combat sense.
Shyv: I like it long.
Jan: Besides, you want her to look like a boy?
Sej: Excuse me?
Jan: You have to admit, you look a little bit…mannish, with short hair. She looks much more feminine with her long locks. A sort of “I look beautiful but I can bench press ten horses.”
Jan: Well, it’s just-
U: Everyone has their own sense of beauty to them in terms of appearance. Still your tongue on this subject unless you can argue otherwise.
Shyv: Where was- GAH!
Jan: Knot! Sorry!
Shyv: Gr…When I recovered I saw Udyr throw Irelia away from a would be killing blow by the prince, and he started literally strangling the crown prince. The earth was thrown up into crags around them in a makeshift arena. I could do nothing at that time but watch the fight. And listen to Udyr insult the Crown Prince the entire time.
U: They were not insults, they were truths spoken harshly. He could not keep his feet on the ground. The reaction we received is one we still remember, the might and the ferocity that overwhelmed us.
H: That reaction being…
Shyv: I flew in and tore him to shreds, tooth and nail.
B: - SO - ? –
H: Literally tore him to shreds? You didn’t…eat him, did you?
Shyv: I tore at him with tooth and nail. I tore his throat out with my fangs. What do you think, Summoner?
Jan: That’s…I’m not going to comment.
Shyv: I have dragon blood running in me. My fury took flight, and I tore the beast man to shreds. Is it that strange?
Jan: It’s absolutely terrifying when you hear that draconic roar, I have to admit, but did you really have to…y’know…be so extreme?
Shyv: That’s the thing: I’m always terrifying. I’m always scary, despite everything I do, despite how I try and show myself, it doesn’t matter. People look at me and think either I am some kind of exotic beauty that needs to be domesticated or a monster that needs to be put down. Almost every Demacian looks at me in such a way, they speak in hushed whispers at the sight of me. No matter how I look, no matter how I act, that is the constant air I breathe. I can tell from your voice, you think me a monster while such a thought dances in your head. No, I did not swallow. I admit, I once consumed human flesh in my youth because I had much less control, but I felt violently ill with what I had done. The blood, I have gotten used to it, it cannot be helped, but the flesh, I cannot.
Nid: Hush dear, no need to justify yourself with a cannibal.
Jan: What? How dare you-
Nid: Trust me darling, with what I`ve heard? You’ve eaten plenty. You saw to that with Bob.
Jan: Ugh! We go over this every time! Just because It was Blitz’s service that made Nashashago an-
U: *Grunts at the two women, silencing them.*
Nid: …Done braiding.
Jan: …Yeah, same.
*Both women return to their seats*
H: Ooooh boy, forgot about that…
B: - SHOULD – BE – INTERESTING - - -
Shyv: When I flew in, pinned him to the ground, scathing him with my dragon flames, I stared him in his eyes. And what I saw shocked me: There was no fear in his eyes of me. No hatred, no spite, there was…respect. In his final moments, just respect. His last word-
U: Before you tore our throat out.
Shyv: Yes, before I did that, was “Magnificent.” After the match, I was…curious. I followed him to the forests outside of the Institute. He eventually looked at us, regarded us, than shattered our rib cage. I reacted, I let the fury take over, and…things became hazy. It has been a long time since such an incident occurred out of pure self defense. I woke up a while later in a scorched landscape. Tree trunks were shattered, and I was resting in a crater with Udyr sitting on the edge of it. We were both severely wounded; he was sitting there to rest and nurse his wounds rather than to gloat. Eventually, he asked me if I hated him for attacking me.
H: I assume no or else this is a really weird conversation.
Shyv: He had no hatred in his eyes. He did not attack me because he thought I deserve death. It was just…mutual respect. He was curious, body language. There was no killing intent, he wanted to know us through action. From one predator to another. It was just…getting to know one another. So no, I did not hate him. I understood him. He said that I give in to my anger and rage far too easily, let myself get engulfed by it, and if I wished to hunt with him for that evening’s dinner. I agreed, and he didn’t bat an eye when I snapped the boar’s spine with my hands and ate it raw. No fear, no hesitation in his voice. Jarvan is the only person I have met after the death of my father, who can speak so…comfortably, with me. Make me feel at ease, with their understanding. I had to know, I needed to know, why did he not fear me? What do you think his response was?
B: - SOMETHING – EXPRESSIVE - ? - - -
H: Oh please, like-
Shyv: That right there, that is my point with you sort of people. He said, “Each of us has his cowardice. Each of us is afraid to lose, afraid to die. But to keep back, keep away, is the way to remain a coward for life. To find courage is to seek it on the field of conflict, and the sure way to victory is the willingness to risk one’s own life. For if you have confidence in your own words, aspirations, thoughts, and actions and do your very best, you will have no need to regret the outcome of what you do. Fear and trembling are for the person who, while stinting the effort, hopes that everything will come out precisely as he wants.”
Shyv: And so, I started hunting with him. No prejudice, no conversation, just…communication. In a way I have not felt in a very long time. He taught me some meditation techniques and a few...erm…I think the Ionian term is katas?
H: …I’m really confused.
U: Per usual, then?
H: Wait…that was a joke. You have a sense of humor?
Nid: He does. He likes to call me furry death from above.
U: You are. You pounce from the trees constantly.
Shyv: That was his way of introducing us.
U: The look on your face the first time…heh.
H: So it really is the three of you?
H: Don’t you want to kill them?
H: You said it in the last interview: you want to kill every champion you respect to prove you are stronger than them.
U: …Perhaps one day, we will.
Nid: I can say the same for you. I still haven’t quite forgotten what you did to my uncle.
U: We have already admitted-
Nid: He has a bald spot on his head where fur should be.
H: …So the killing thing, back to it.
U: One day, perhaps. Perhaps not.
H: Why not wouldn’t you? Unless-
Shyv: Drop it, Summoner.
H: Aren’t you slightly perturbed that he wants to kill you? Either of you?
Nid: Let him try. It’d make things fun~
Shyv: No. I lost my father due to petty ego and sheer stupidity. If Udyr wanted to kill me, of ir he were able, it would be out of respect and understanding. It is not unexpected, it is not a secret. He will not keep it hidden and strike when my back is turned despite how you Summoners use him. If he wants to kill me, I will know, and he can try. Even then, he has the utmost respect from me.
H: I’m…really confused here. Udyr’s legendary for his stubbornness. How could the three of you-
U: Our life is our own, we do as we please. If we decide to hunt with others, we choose to. If we decide to fight, we fight. To have your nature…not understood, to have others demonize you mercilessly because they think they know better, to be ostracized for your very existence…The only thing that can be done for them, is to crush them completely and utterly.
U: It gets boring hunting by yourself all of the time. No thrill. No change. No way to better one’s technique or self. We hunted only with Nidalee prior to this, but…we get bored of routine. Before you ask anything stupid, dedication is vastly different from routine.
H: *Mutters to self* Wow talk about a change in topic…*Resumes normal volume in voice* Do you hunt with anyone else?
Nid: Ahri sometimes joins us.
B: - - - WHAT - - - THAT - - - MUST – COMPUTE - - -
H: Huh? I thought you said she was a demon.
U: And we agreed with you in that we were perhaps a bit hasty in our judgement. We do not trust her, but we tolerate her now.
H: So the reason you were so wary of her was because of her charms. Bloody knew it.
U: Our actions are our own. To have someone else take charge of them angers us to no end.
H: But Summoners do that all…the…oh I see where you are getting at.
Nid: He didn’t like the fact that she totally stunned his bear.
Jan: You mean she was able to ignite his bird?
U: *Angrier grunt*
H: Interesting! How…interesting! Right Blitz?
B: - NOT – REALLY - - -
Jan: So what if she did that? I’m confused as to why that’s an issue. It’s natural, right?
Nid: Of course you are. You have the sound of a typhoon whistling where your brain should be.
Jan: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the wind: I thought I just heard a ***** cat that needs to be thoroughly waxed and shaved. Especially between the eyebrows.
Nid: The one time I forgot to bring my spear, oh damn. Guess I’ll -
Shyv: I would prefer not being covered in blood for now.
H: Janna, Nidalee, please ladies. Udyr? We’ll skip that for now, because I’m sorry, I just find it hard to have a primal man who goes by instincts and refuses love and just wants to kill everything to have hunting partners but no interest in them. I thought the cycle would be to kill, eat, making love at the basic level would apply to you, but you apparently have denied that. How does that make sense?
U: Normally is, we admit. That is the natural cycle. Such urges are not natural to us. It is unneeded for what we desire.
H: It’s not…How is the act of love not natural?
U: We said urges, not love. Love is a social concept created to try and label something inane. Yet you make it sound as if one were able to build it. How do you make love? Is there kindling you bundle together, perhaps a few cogs to stack on top of one another?
B: - I – HAVE – ASKED – THIS –QUESTION – MANY – TIMES - - - I – GET – THE – SAME – RESPONSE - - - THIS – SADDENS – ME - - -
H: Normally, I’d pursue this further, but I think I’m going to let it drop. For now. We have a guest coming up that is better suited in this line of questioning than even the incorrigible me.
U: Is that the only reason?
H: That and I feel like keeping most of my organs.
U: You are learning.
H: So, onto the beautiful women: Shyvana? Nidalee? I, and I assume the audience, are morbidly curious: have either of you, in regards to him…Y’know…
U: We take that back.
Shyv: *Snorts out a gout of flame* No. He’s more than that. He’s-
Nid: I’m the mommy.
U: *Raises an eyebrow*
Nid: Oh lighten up you two ~
Jan: Says the fat cat.
Nid: That’s it, I’m going to-
Shyv: No. No you’re not.
B: – PERHAPS – WE – SHOULD – BRING – IN – ANOTHER – GUEST – HORATIO - ? - - - EXPEDENTIALLY – SO - ? - - -
H: I think you may be right, big buddy. No reason in teasing our audience any more than we have to! But, let’s not bring out the big guns quite yet. Let’s mix it up a bit, eh?
B: - NO – GUN – IS – TOO – BIG - - - BUT – CONTINUE – ON - - -
Cracking his fingers, Horatio started channeling magical energy once more. “From the Eastern island of Ionia, within the lush foliage, one prays to never see her shadow for you would already be dead: The Fist of Shadow, Akali!”
A surge of energy erupted in the center of the room. A woman clad in an emerald kunoichi outfit looked about, her long inky hair tied back in a ponytail. Surprisingly, she did not have her trademark kamas on her person for once. Despite her lithe figure, much like Sejuani, every corded muscle of hers was visible upon first glimpse. Her icy green eyes flicked over at the Summoner, “Is it time?”
“Yes ma’am. Would you like a seat?”
“Not needed. I know what I need to ask.”
Pointing at Udyr, the ninja questioned, “Have you been inoculated recently?”
The beast man snorted and waved her off, “Of course not. We never…W -”
A click and a puff of smoke billowed from the ninja. Udyr attempted to take a step back when a streak of white erupted from the cloud and flew through the air at him. Akali was now dressed in a pure white nurse’s outfit, perhaps a bit too revealing for someone of her status and stature. The hems of the outfit were lined in red. The white stockings on her legs seemed to accentuate every muscular curve she had as her high heel cracked the beast man squarely in the jaw, felling him in a single kick.
Mounting Udyr, before anyone could protest, she reached to her belt, withdrew two syringes, and stabbed them into his both sides of his carotid arteries in his neck. Injecting them, Akali flatly stated, “Task complete: Patient has been fully immunized. Do not forget to book your next doctor’s appointment”
Udyr roared, rubbing his neck in pain, “Why did you do that?!”
“Because you were not inoculated. Now you are.”
“We have never been sick! There was no point!”
“That is not what your records say.”
The beast man angrily growled, “Because of food poisoning! We tried eating raw meat when we were young and fell violently ill! We have learned to cook since!”
Horatio burst out in laughter before quickly stifling himself.
Akali continued, “You said you have never been sick.”
“You cannot inoculate against-”
“Better to be prepared for everything than unprepared for nothing, Udyr. Your words. There is a certain wisdom in that There is also a certain wisdom in knowing that you could not escape me, no matter how long you evaded me nor how far you fathomed you could run. It was only a matter of time before you slipped,” Akali sharply replied.
Getting up and off of Udyr, the ninja placed the syringes back onto her belt quickly yet precisely, as if she had done this dozens of times. He growled while rubbing the throbbing veins on his neck, “Whatever. Why did you aim for the neck?”
“Because it is you. You would have shattered the syringes by flexing any other muscle in your body. Be thankful I aimed there and not your more vulnerable region.”
“It is the balance of one’s health, Udyr. You would do well to heed it for the sake of others.”
Snorting, Udyr got back to his feet with strange difficulty, looming over the ninja, “What-”
The ninja raised her hand up, catching a shuriken in midair. It had a small note tied to it, one she unfurled to its full tiny length. Her green eyes flicked down at the paper. She pointedly spoke, “Next target has been spotted and cornered. He will be inoculated. Goodbye.”
Cracking the shuriken in half, another distinct click could be heard and thick puffs of smoke billowed from her. Udyr waved the smoke away, to show that the ninja woman had disappeared.
Hm! I forgot to post the rest here, didn't I?
Janna looked around in stark confusion, and asked the obvious question plaguing everyone, “So what the heck just happened?”
Horatio looked over at Blitzcrank, shrugging his shoulders, “Did you know?”
“- NO – ”
“…Alright then…So I guess no Akali.” The Summoner scratched his head. Looking over at Udyr, his mouth moved to apologize, but he could not stop staring that the beast man’s biceps seemed to expand and contract. The way they danced reminded him of the tango for some reason.
Shaking his head, magical energy gathered around Horatio’s hands once more, “Our second last woman to come with us today is actually another Demacian beauty! Her soul radiates with the brightest of lights, please welcome, Luxanna Crownguard! Come on people, a round of applause!”
Another burst of light, and a young woman with bright, shoulder length blonde hair appeared. Her big, sapphire eyes flicked about, scanning her surroundings. The colors of Demacia could be clearly seen in the fabric that segmented her brightly polished silver armor. Gripping her baton, she bowed towards the crowd then waved at Blitzcrank energetically, “Hi Blitz!”
“How have you been?”
“- I – AM – WELL - - - FOR - I-HAVE-WORN-MY-BEST-SUIT-TO-THIS-EVENT-”
Lux giggled, “Oh Blitz, any suit looks good on you.”
Blitzcrank bellowed a round of mechanical laughter, “HAH-HAH-HAH- - - YOU-FLATTER-ME-TOO-MUCH- - -”
Lux smiled at Blitzcrank, “Don’t be silly, you can never receive enough compliments.” Clapping her hands together, she scanned looked around, “So who’s the mystery guest…that…”
Her eyes narrowed, her brow furrowed, her face turning a faint red upon seeing Udyr. “You.”
Lux puffed her cheeks out, “What are you doing here?”
“We wonder the same thing.”
Crossing her arms, she tapped her foot impatiently, “No, seriously, what are you doing here?”
“Apparently we are the mystery male guest.”
The blonde Demacian groaned, “Whyyy…”
“Yet another question we ask ourselves.”
Lux looked over at Blitz and Horatio, rolled her eyes, and then quietly took her seat next to Nidalee. The feral woman looked over at Lux, smiling wickedly at her. The Demacian pouted, “What?”
“Oh…nothing. You just have the most interesting scent to you.”
Lux felt that after this, she may have to see an optician for how many times she would roll her eyes. Horatio looked over at Lux, smiling at her, “Are you ready to join us in discussion, Miss Crownguard?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Is there any…” The Summoner motioned with his hands dramatically, “Burning question you have for the beast man of Ionia?”
Her brow furrowed, her blue eyes narrowed, “Yes, actually. Wh-”
Horatio interrupted her, “Upp upp upp! Forgive me, Miss Crownguard, but I asked if you have a question, not to ask him now. Give me a moment, I wish to bring in our last guest.”
Lux sighed while the other women looked at one another. They were curious as to who would be brought in next. One last time, the Summoner started to weave magical energy from one hand to the other, “Our final guest, with her curves and coils, she’ll sink her fangs into your heart: The Serpent’s Embrace, Cassiopeia!”
The crowd happily roared. It was rare for her to show herself anywhere public outside of the League. A burst of light, and a gorgon uncoiled before them. Her dark green scales shimmered as if it were highly polished jade in sunlight. The serpentine body abruptly ended near her pelvis and showed the last remaining human features of the once beautiful woman. Upon her brow rested a headdress reminiscent of a cobra’s hood. Whether it was truly a headdress, or a part of her skin, one could not tell. In a flash, she wrapped herself around Horatio, “Summoner, you did not tell me you would not be bringing me in last. I am wounded beyond words for such an offense.”
Horatio started to turn red, making her laugh in ecstasy, “Oh come now, don’t tell me I leave you breathless! I thought that was Janna’s occupation.”
Janna snapped her fingers. A gust of wind surged forth and nearly threw Cassiopeia off balance. It would have if she was not a giant snake. Unwrapping from Horatio, the gorgon slithered over to a spot and glared at the chair before her, “…Is this supposed to be funny?”
“THAT-IS-MY-FAULT-CASSIOPEIA- - - I-WILL-RECTIFY-IT-“
The golem’s hand shot forth several meters and grabbed the chair she was glaring at. It snapped back into Blitzcrank’s arm as he placed the chair down at his side. Lux gave a sour look at Cassiopeia who settled herself on top of her coils.
Horatio got to his feet, coughed, and continued, “A-and now, here are all of our guests!”
Udyr grunted, “Truly? That is what you think?”
The Summoner looked over and shrugged his shoulders, “Well, the women with the time and willing to come onto the show, at the least. I thought for everyone’s safety not to ask certain female champions to join us.”
“Is that so?” Looking over at Cassiopeia, the beast man grunted, “What can you possibly want from us?”
The gorgon smiled at Udyr, “I’m just oh so curiousss, mighty beast man of Ionia, slayer of Noxians, stoic man of the ages, if you can find someone like me ….beautiful?” Her sultry voice dripped with the sweetest venom.
Before anyone else could respond or make a comment, Udyr flatly replied, “We do.”
H: Wait, wait wait wait…What?
Cass: No need to be so cruel about my condition. Teasing’s my occupation.
Jan: I thought it was supposed to be getting on your knees and oh wait, you don’t have knees.
*Cassiopeia looks over at the wind maiden, her reptilian irises tightening. Before any reaction can take place, Udyr interrupts the two*
U: We do not lie.
H: Okay…so…explain that? You find Cassiopeia beautiful, but no one else-
U: If we must speak of physical aspects, to find the face of beauty is only natural, from the simplest flower and beetle to the most disastrous of flames, everything has its own beauty to it. Whether we acknowledge it or not, is personal choice.
H: So, if I were to ask your opinion on Twitch-
Cass: So, the stoic beast man finds me beautiful, mm?
Cass: Does that mean you observe every aspect of a woman’s body?
Lux: Which confirms he’s a friggin’ lech!
U: Excuse you?
Jan: I’m going to agree…for now.
Sej and Shyv in unison: Hrm?
Lux: You were looking at my breasts!
U: Are you still on about that? It has been…how long? We do not remember. We were observing your chest. We have to note that upon current inspection, you have not developed it since.
Lux: That’s just making my point! Do you stare at every woman’s chest?!
U: Yes. You still have underdeveloped pectoral muscles, Janna shares the same problem as you. however, with her larger bust she needs to strengthen her core muscles significantly more. Cassiopeia’s core strength and her chest muscles are deceptive, she has gained a sort of balance within her figure, though her arms are akin to twigs, needs more girth. Shyvana, Nidalee and Sejuani’s chests and stomachs are perfectly fine, same as their arm and leg tones. They could, however, stand to gain a few pounds to gain more muscle mass to amplify their strength.
*Janna, for some reason, readjusts her arms to rest across her bust, muttering on how the beast man’s brain is underdeveloped. Nidalee, upon seeing this, follows suit in a mocking fashion. Cassiopeia, however, moves her arms to help prompt her bust. Sejuani nods in confirmation while Shyvana shuffles in her seat.*
Shyv: …Urge to maim…rising…
Lux: Ugh! You’re just…just, just a perverted old man!
U: *Narrows eyes, his voice is now a low threatening growl* What did you say?
Lux: You heard me! It’s not like you look at Ezreal’s groin and-
U: We do.
*The crowd goes silent, most of the women stare at him dumbfounded. Horatio and Blitzcrank scratch their respective faces in confusion.*
Cass: *Grins, reveals her fangs* Oh this gets better every minute.
U: We do. The Explorer has severely underdeveloped groin muscles. In his line of work, if he leaves such a thing unattended, he can easily pull a hernia. We observe everything of everyone, man and woman.
Sej: His glutes are underdeveloped as well.
Shyv: *Nods in agreement*
U: Yes, thank you. They are akin to a plank of pinewood.
H: And…and do you find beauty, in him as well?
U: To a certain degree? Yes. Yet it is imperfection being observed that should be a cause for his own personal alarm.
Lux: *Swallows nervously* Um…Udyr, er…
U: Speak up.
Lux: Ah…how to phrase this…are you and Taric…good friends?
Lux: No, no…Udyr. Are you and Taric, good, close, personal, private friends?
U: If you are implying the Gem Knight is of the homosexual persuasion, then how do you explain the woman he is currently seeing?
*The crowd roars in a mixture of shock, awe and excitement. The women react accordingly*
Jan and Lux: Wait, what?!
Cass: Oh ho?
Shyv: You didn’t know?
Sej: Does that really matter?
H: Does it really…Yes it matters! Taric’s one of the most reclusive champions, I could get an interview from Shen easier than him! Udyr, who is this woman?!
U: We do not know.
H: Bwuh? What do you mean?
U: We have never seen her, how would we know?
Lux: Then…how do you know, that he’s with one?
U: Because we can smell it on him. Despite the products he uses, the scent of another woman’s pheromones is unmistakeable. We smell similar ones wafting from you, Crownguard…Though we are more familiar with them.
*Lux’s eyes go wide with anger, her face drained of color.*
Lux: What are you implying, furball?
U: We are saying we smell the fox’s scent upon your armor and your undergarments.
*The crowd is a hellish mixture of shock, amazement, rage and a multitude of emotions. Blitzcrank slams his hands together, causing a silencing shockwave to pass over everyone*
Nid: Yeap! I smell it too!
Shyv: I as well.
Lux: Bwuh…guh…I’m…I’m not, I don’t, no…It’s not like that! I don’t know how -
Cass: Naughty Demacian~
U: We also smell the Kumungu jungle. As well as the forests outside the Institute, and musky peach.
*Lux turns redder by the second*
U: As well as a bit of salt. Sea salt to be precise…
*White light and heat seems to be seeping from her body*
U: And a hint of fish.
*Lux leaps up from her seat, twirling her baton*
H: Hit the deck!
Lux: HOW DARE YOU?! I AM A PROPER…wait.
*The blonde Demacian points at Nidalee then at Shyvana*
Lux: You smell it too?
Nid: Yeap. Smells like home.
*Lux rubbed her chin, thinking about what was just said. Her eyes snap open, her face completely red*
Lux: How would I go about finding Akali?
U: *Grunts* She will find you.
*Lux storms off the set, twirling her baton the entire time.*
Cass: *Bursts out in hyena like laughter*Ha ha! I have…I have never! Ha ha! Never! Ha ha ha! Never seen her so angry! Ever! Ha ha ha!
Shyv: *Grunts* Control yourself, Noxian.
Cass: Give me a few minutes, ha ha!
Jan: …So how long have you been with Lux, Nids?
Nid: Excuse me?
Jan: Udyr said he smelt the Kumungu jungle in her pants. You confirmed it.
Nid: I don’t know, how long does someone have to be in a relationship for before you try stealing them? Does it matter if it’s five minutes or five years?
Jan: Oh for, you always say that you can’t be caged! And then you were in a relationship! I don’t think even Heimerdinger can explain that!
B: - ACTUALLY – MY – PATENTED – LOVE – EQUATION – HAS –
Jan: Not in the mood! And besides, it was Bob who enrolled himself and came to see me!
Nid: And why did you enroll yourself into the program?
Jan: I was curious!
Nid: Is that another cat joke?
Jan: No! Gah! Why does it even matter?! You’re feral, you-
Cass: Enough already, why don’t you two kiss already?
Jan and Nid (In Unison): What? No! Are you stupid? Why would I kiss her?
Cass: You argue like an old married couple, but I meant kiss and make up. I have no idea where your little minds wandered off to.
*Suddenly, for no explicable reason, Udyr’s hakama falls to the ground, revealing his undergarment: A cotton fundoshi.*
H: …So…Udyr…*Coughs* You ah…you need some pants?
H: You sure?
U: We never wear pants.
Cass: …So, changing topics subtly, what is your opinion on body language?
U: Nothing is more honest than that of the body. Why?
Shyv: *Mutters to self* Oh heavens, is she really…?
Jan: *Looks over at the gorgon, a smile forming on her face for the expected reaction*
Cass: Because I want to study your body language more intimately.
B: - OH – WILL – THIS – BREAK – THE – EQUATION - ?! - - -
B: - EQUATION – INTEGRITY – ASSURED - ! - - -
Cass: Why not? I am beautiful, you think so, and why speak words when our bodies can say so much more? I know how much you hate talking *Pouts her lower lip*
U: From what we have inferred, whether we chose to or not, that would be physically impossible due to you having a cloaca.
*Cassiopeia draws back in shock, than bursts out laughing. There seems to be a melancholy tone to it, however*
Cass: That’s a new one! Ha ha ha…!
H: What? What’s a cloaca?
U: Reproductive organ of reptiles.
U: Think of intercourse.
H: …Alright. Now what?
U: Think of it with those scales. That is where the cloaca is. Give yourself a minute or two.
H: …Oh. Oh! Ow! Oh dear gods, no! No!
Jan: *Leans over to Shyvana, whispering* Is that what you have?
Shyv: *Glares at her, a faint discoloration coming to her blue cheeks as she grumbles out a few unintelligible words*
Cass: I think you’re man enough to handle such a minor obstacle. Unless, you’re admitting weakness, of course.
U: *Raises eyebrow* There is that, and because we are not attracted to you as well as it would not further our goals.
Cass: Not attracted? But you find me beautiful. That usually goes hand in hand.
U: Usually, though not for us. We find the billowing streams beautiful, we find some types of beetle beautiful, we find the glades of Ionia breath taking, but that does not mean we are attracted to them.
Cass: Alright, what do you find attractive then?
U: In terms of sexual appeal? Nothing.
Nid: I call bull on that.
Nid: Youuuu found, and find, Ahri attractive~
U: She is magically enchanted to entice anything. Any. Thing.
Cass: But it makes my point, you do have it within you. So why not follow your body’s natural urges? You are human after all, despite how many hides you may wear.
H: Thank you! Someone aside from me asks the bloody question.
Cass: A true beast would not ever speak or refer to others, or wear really…weird looking underwear, or be able to repress natural instincts, yes? You have the urges in you, why not follow them?
Shyv: Just as living in the forests did not make him a sexual predator, being nobility did not make you a lady.
*The crowd whoops at this burn*
H: ...And there goes four minutes of relative safety.
Cass: Tut tut, no need to get wound up so tight, Demacian. My offer, of course, extends to you as well. No reason to discriminate behind closed doors, yes? Besides, the things I could show you…
*Shyvana growls, snorts, and looks away.*
U: Do you know what a honey badger is?
Cass: Pardon me? What does th-
U: A honey badger is a small animal that feeds on grubs and bee larvae, and no matter its opponent, will fight to the bitterest death. Whether it is another badger or a moose or a bear, the honey badger will fight with unbound ferocity the likes that few mortals have ever seen in their life time. The only way to stop the badger’s onslaught is for its foe to die, or for it to die.
H: As long as I’m not the only confused one here, keep going.
B: - AGREED –
U: Now you know what a honey badger is, correct?
Cass: The point?
U: Try kissing one.
Sej: *Voice booming* Hah!
U: In our youth, when we had first gone into the forest, we tried doing such a feat. Needless to say, it did not end well for the badger.
H: …Why would you ever think that’s a good idea?
U: We were in the throes of development, Summoner. We realized shortly after we saw a rather curvaceous tree stump that we may have a problem with our current condition and our current habitat. And so, to avoid further incident, we segregated such urges.
Nid: The badger’s totally the sexy aunt.
Shyv: That’s stu-
Jan: I have to agree. I’d think after the badger, he would settle for a second rate cougar.
Nid: Fun fact: You don’t need to dig graves in the Kumungu Jungles.
Cass: So after that, why not-
U: Afterwards, we were raised and trained by celibate monks. Attraction never arose again. It is not natural for us to do otherwise.
H: Wait, you spit on social norms.
H: Why uphold this one?
U: Because it was started by us and accented by the monks. It was not forced upon us, and it developed naturally. It was our choice.
Cass: So what I’m gathering from all of this is that…you’ve never been intimate, ever.
U: It is our choice, it is natural to us. Ergo, we do as we wish. No reason to occlude our nature or our goals with such trivial matters.
Cass: So what you’re doing is not unnatural?
U: To others? Perhaps. To ourselves? No. It is as natural to us as intimacy is to you.
Cass: I believe you just inferred something, beast man. What-
Nid: You a ****, girl.
Nid: Don’t even say it.
H: Prepare to hit the deck?
*Cassiopeia bristles, her claws cricking with malevolent, magical energy*
Cass: Are you saying you’re better than me, wretch?
H: Yeap I`m hitting the deck. *Sinks beneath Blitzcrank’s desk*
Nid: I’m saying you could try wearing more clothing than two copper coins strapped over your breasts.
Cass: Coming from the cougar who likes pole dancing!
*Udyr stomps floor, the wooden boards groan from the force*
U: Enough. Cassiopeia: Nidalee is correct. It is simply your nature.
Cass: …You really are a special type of stupid, aren’t you?
U: Do you regret your actions?
U: Your actions. Everything that has led up to this point, do you regret them?
Cass: …I…I’m…I’m a freak…I’m a monster, I-
U: Not our question. Do you, regret, your actions, that led you up to this point?
U: We knew that, or else you would have accepted the remedy for your condition long ago.
*Cassiopeia’s irises tighten, she hisses*
Cass: W-what? What is it?! Tell me!
Sej: …Bwahaha! *Bursts out in a fit of rude laughter*
Jan: That is so mean…but…* She giggles a bit* I-I feel horrible, I do.
Nid: I don’t. *Laughs*
Cass: Stop mocking me. STOP. MO-
*Udyr looks over at the laughing women, and emits a bestial roar followed by a stern glare, silencing them.*
U: That was not what we meant. You are alive, despite your current status, meaning you wish to continue living, meaning you have a purpose in your life. Many others would end themselves if put in a situation such as yours. You have not. You may wish you were not a snake, but you do not regret the actions leading up to it. You reflect its nature, but do not give into it.
Cass: *Visibly calms down* …I thought you would tell me to embrace my animal side.
U: Not embrace: Accept, as you have already done. Why would we say embrace it? If we embraced our primal urges fully, we would be sitting on a tree stump squawking and flapping our arms akin to a bird. It would be fairly unproductive. What is natural to you, is different from what is natural to us.
Cass: …I was half expecting a punch in the face.
Cass: Because you frequently do that.
U: Discussion is only saved for those deserving of it.
Cass: Hm! How interesting! You surprise me, beast man.
U: What makes you say that?
H: Because you’re stubborn, egotistical, self-righteous…
Sej: You really want to die, don’t you?
H: What? No! I’m just reading the psychological report on him. *Waves a pile of paper* Also says he has anger issues.
U: It does not.
H: It says…Needs to work on his anger is…And then a large pen mark rips across the paper.
U: We speak the truth. Think on how we knew such a fact for a moment.
Cass: Back to me. What makes someone deserving of conversation?
Cass: Is that all?
*Suddenly, his undergarment jolts upwards around a particular area. Swinging his fist in a huge, broad arc, the muscles on his body bulge while he strikes air.*
Horatio cocked his head, somewhat confused. A hoarse bout of laughter erupted, and a woman came into view. Wrapped in purple spiked leather straps, her stiletto high heels soundlessly clicked onto the floor. Her blue skin and her dark hair, as well as the malevolent smile and the demonic glint in her eyes betrayed who she was: Evelynn, the Widowmaker. Dark blue blood trickled from her dainty mouth, which was quickly caught by her greedy tongue. Fangs poked out over her lips as she stretched her body, her voice a harsh whisper, “Took you long enough.”
“Do not be so narcissistic,” Udyr snarled. “You were in our presence since the beginning.”
The Summoner looked over at Blitzcrank, shrugging his shoulders in stark confusion, “I didn’t…Did you invite her?”
“ – NO – “
“I invited myself,” Evelynn’s smirk grew wider. “Naughty Summoner, not inviting me.”
Sejuani cricked her knuckles, “Oi. What do you want?”
Evelynn looked over, taking long, quick strides towards the Freljordian amazon, “Me? I was just a bit curious about little ol’ Udyr. I wanted to see for myself, if what he says is true.” She raised her hands, her long, talon-like nails clicking against one another, “More on that later.”
The beast man growled while shifting his stance into a more aggressive one. His loosely held his hands at his chest level, “Touch us again and we will harm you.”
“Oh?” Evelynn twirled in place, the loose leather straps flapping in the air, “Why do you not like being touched in such a manner, if you are unaffected?”
“We said not attracted, not unaffected.”
Evelynn’s eyes narrowed, her smirk turned into a full blown smile. “So you are human after all? Things other than a foxy lady can rile you? Curiouser and curiouser. I think I want to ask you a few questions, oh great and powerful Udyr.”
Udyr remained silent, fire slowly started to engulf his body.
“Let’s start off simple. When Ahri charms you, you see what attracts you, or what you want most. Whether it is sexually, or a deep desire, or whatever else, that is why it can charm you. You are all so hush hush about it, so let me break the ice: What I see, is the little fox wrapped up nice and neatly, all prepared for little ol’ me...”
The Widowmaker curtsied before the council of ladies, “That’s what gets me, what about you ladies?” Looking at the beast man, she gave him a mocking grin, “Or you, what is it that attracts you, Udyr? You implied attraction, to avoid her so fervently, and now to associate with her, oh the curiosity abound!”
Udyr furrowed his brow. He growled in response.
”I bet it is Sejuani.”
“Then Shyvana and Nidalee.”
“Then it is-”
“It is no one here!” Udyr roared. “Assume anymore and we will snap your spine!”
Evelynn raised an eyebrow, “No one? I never said it was a person.”
“We did not-”
“You said no one here. You do not lie. Silly beast man, tricks are for smart people,” The Widowmaker continued, “You never hunted with others before, is this not true? You always hunted by yourself. Why hunt with them now, if you do not desire the company? Does that not weaken your fist? Or perhaps…you’re getting lonely, maybe even senile at an early age.”
The beast man snorted in response.
Horatio made his way over to Blitzcrank, whispering to the golem, “I think I need to get her out of here asap, big buddy.”
“- YES – “
“So you are intentionally weakening yourself by grouping yourself with people, and you have an attraction to someone. Is it possible you are becoming emotional? How strange, coming from the man with an iron heart, from the man who let his parents die in the Ionian War.”
“…After this,” Horatio slapped Blitzcrank’s arm.
Shyvana slammed her hands onto the arms of her chair. Standing up, she glared at Evelynn, her irises sharpened.
This did not deter the Widowmaker. “Am I not right, Udyr? Don’t you think they deserved their death, for being unable to defend themselves? The weak will die, the strong will live, survival of the fittest.”
“Yes,” Udyr replied.
The women, except Sejuani, looked at Udyr, completely shocked. The audience fell silent, Horatio’s eyes widened. Udyr snorted, “What is your point?”
“My point? Mm, I’m not sure yet. I think I’ll get there soon enough.”
Trotting closer to him, she continued, “What is important to you, Udders, hm? What matters to the beast man? Not the Ionian War, most certainly not. You were not an active participant in it.”
“No, we were not.”
“Why? What do you think of the Ionians in the war?”
“If they lost, they deserved to be conquered. If they won, they deserved that as well.”
“Interesting, very interesting. What did you do during the war?”
“You heard me. What did you, Udyr, do, during the war?”
“We pursued our ambitions. Our goals.”
Evelynn burst out laughing. “So smart! So intellectual! So dodgy! Nothing like a beast should be! I wonder, does that make you a god?”
Appearing behind him, she draped herself across his shoulders, “He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god. What does that make you, Udyr?”
The beast man glared at the Widowmaker, his flames now licking her face.
Sejuani spoke up, “He is what he chooses to be.”
“Oh? Strange, how you have others defending you. Agreeing with you. As if…they are friends. I know something that they don’t, however…” Wafting her hand in front of his nose, Evelynn continued, “You are so easy to read, mister beast man. Tell them, man who cast his heart aside, tell them what you did in the Southern Ionian provinces.”
Several minutes of silence passed. Udyr simply angrily glared at Evelynn. “Don’t you want to say? Aw, you’re hurting their feelings.”
“It was nothing of importance.”
Evelynn laughed her wispy laugh, “My my, how…soft, you are. I wonder, did you tell them your deepest, darkest secret?”
“We have nothing to hide.”
“Really? Aside from not speaking of your actions, something you pride yourself on, or the person who you say attracts you? Oh yes, absolutely nothing to hide. If that is the case, you won’t mind if I tell them that even you felt love once in your life, right?”
“No,” Udyr replied once more. “Otherwise we would have no basis for our philosophy and way of living. It would be stupid for us to live in such a manner.”
Shyvana grunted, “Of course he has, almost everyone has. Even if it was his parents…” She placed a finger on her chin, realizing her error. “…Wait…you were fine…with them …That’s…then who? Who else could it be except your parents?”
“It matters not, they are dead and buried.”
“But what about your parents? Surely you must have felt something-”
Udyr sliced the air with a wave of his hand, “We were never in their thoughts or hearts, as they were not in ours. As far as we are concerned, they were dead the moment we left their farm, and we were dead to them the moment we left.”
Shyvana’s face dropped, “…Not in their…? Udyr, I’m sure they ca-”
“Do not speak that which you know not of!” The beast man roared.
Shyvana drew back, shocked by his response.
Evelynn burst out laughing once more. Reaching down to her boot, a fan emerged. She flipped it open and started waving it in front of her face, “It’s a little hot in here, don’t you agree? Even without all of your clothing. By the by, why does a beast man who prides himself on escaping social constraints even wear -”
Udyr’s eyes widened. He spun around and swung a thunderous back fist at the Widowmaker. She easily dodged the attack, laughing the entire time. “Yes little animal man, try to hit me. Let’s see wh-”
A violent uppercut from a certain Freljordian amazon sent Evelynn flying through the air. “You annoy me,” Sejuani snorted.
Landing face first onto the ground, Evelynn felt a heavy foot press itself into her back. One violent twist and her spine cracked. Instead of a cry of pain, she let out a moan of pleasure. Udyr’s burly hand reached down and grabbed the fan she was holding and quickly sniffed it. Snapping it in his hands, he angrily muttered, “Tricked…”
Evelynn seemed to disappear into thin air, cackling all the while. Udyr ‘s foot slammed into the floor where the Widowmaker once was. Suddenly, four nails dragged themselves along his cheek, causing bright scarlet lines etch themselves into his flesh. With that, she truly disappeared.
Horatio cricked his knuckles, the magic from his fingertips now stemming, “That…was interesting, to say the least. So, Udyr-“
The beast man brushed himself off and walked off stage, leaving them all behind. The Summoner nodded his head, “Hm! Lasted longer than I thought.”
“- AGREED – “
Janna leaned forward, “So who’s this woman he’s attracted to.” Looking at Nidalee, she clapped her hands together, “Come on, tell us. Not even you can be that mean. You gotta know.”
“Even if I knew, wouldn’t tell you, skank. He hates talking about his personal life. You might as well try dousing Brand. He hates talking about the past. Only reason I found out about his stuff during the Ionian war is because…because…” Nidalee stopped in mid-sentence, and stared at Cassiopeia`s tail waving back and forth as if she were in a trance.
“Nidalee, because of what? Yoo hoo? Are you there, skank?”
Cassiopeia raised an eyebrow, “Hello? Miss Kitty Cat? Because of wh-”
The feral woman pounced from her seat, transforming halfway in the air into a large, golden cougar. Slamming herself onto Cassiopeia’s tail, she promptly bit it, making the gorgon screech in pain.
Horatio sighed, ducked behind the desk as a blast of venom narrowly missed him, “And I think this ends the interview and the show! Send us away, Blitzcrank!”
“- UNDERSTOOD - ! - - - HAVE – A – GOOD – AFTERNOON – AUDIENCE – FLESHLINGS – AND – GOOD BYE - ! - - -”
A short, blue fishman carrying a trident and a bucket of fish heads, burst into laughter, “Oh man! I can’t get the look on her face out of my head! Priceless! Absolutely priceless!”
He looked over at a much taller, lean built monkey that walked alongside him who was carrying several more buckets that hung off a long staff which rested on his shoulders, as well as a ball of string in hand. “How did you convince her to do that again? Come on, you gotta tell me!”
“A secret’s a secret, Fizz!” The monkey chittered.
The fish man rolled his eyes, “Pft, please. I told you how I broke in, you can at least tell me how you convinced Ahri!”
“Come on, Wukster! You can tell me! Come onnn!”
A woman’s sultry voice, effeminate, sweet like honey, and very angry spoke, “Or I can tell you. Wukong asked nicely, and I complied. A little magical dusting off isn’t that bad.”
Wukong and Fizz froze. They were coming up on a door that would have led them to the dormitories of the Demacian champions when they stayed in the Institute. Looking behind them, they saw a woman in a tight, red and white kimono, black hair, black fox ears and a very unamused demeanor. Wukong waved at her, “Hey come on! You make it sound like I didn’t put any work into it!”
Ahri’s lips parted into a faint, sadistic smile. Fizz leaned over, whispering loudly, “I think she’s angry at you.”
“Please, what can she be angry ab-”
Ahri revealed her tails, making the two pranksters go quiet. The tails were a vibrant, neon pink color. The two tried holding in their laughter, they honestly did, but this ultimately failed. Bursting out into a fit of laughter, they dropped their supplies onto the ground. Wukong pointed at her, “I’m sorry! Ah ha ha! I’m sorry! I thought I swapped it out!”
“Mhm. I’m sure you did.”
Fizz slapped Wukong’s shoulder, “That looks better than I thought it would! I’m glad you kept it there, and not me! I totally didn’t swap it back!”
The fox woman flicked her wrist towards them. A burst of her magic infused pheromones rushed towards the fishman. Fizz immediately grabbed his trident, and promptly vaulted over the pheromone burst. Waving her off, he taunted, “My level? Get on i-”
A burst of light, and suddenly he couldn’t move. He was bond to the floor. Stepping out from behind Ahri, Lux smiled sweetly at him. Her baton started to spin, “Oh Fiiizz~, I want to have a little talk with youuu~”
Fizz nervously gulped, “Wait, wait, c’mon, can’t you take a joke? Wukong’s gonna back me up on this!”
He looked over at the unmoving monkey, “Right Wukong? Wukster? Wuk? Wukky Tikky Tavi?”
The monkey disappeared in a puff of smoke, a hair floating downwards. The fish man muttered several choice Bilgewaterian vocabulary while Lux’s baton spun faster. “Don’t worry, he’s going to get his due. Now, normally, I’m reasonable, but you didn’t just embarrass me, you embarrassed my homeland. So, in the name of Demacia, I have to punish you.”
Fizz’s eyes went wide, Lux levitated into the air, her arms spread open, light started to surge from her being. “Oh frikk.”
It was this day that Fizz discovered the downsides to stealing women’s underwear, how unwise it was to go behind a partner’s back, and how vindictive a woman can be if you swap their shampoo with a subpar hair dye.
Wukong, however, was soaring through the air. Jumping through the open window, he chattered happily, “Pft, he deserved it. We’ll meet up later and la-”
A shadow flitted. Grabbing onto his waist, instead of falling he started to fly higher. Quickly climbing to the skies in a seemingly impossible manner, he soared for a bit, stalled in mid air, and then plummeted downwards. Spiraling, he loudly chittered despite the wind pulling his lips back to reveal his flapping gums. He managed to look over and see the green, determined eyes of a ninja in a nurse outfit. “Bwuh?”
A small crater bloomed from the resulting impact. Twitching, Wukong’s legs slumped downwards. “Ook…”
“You have been immobilized, do not try to move. It will accentuate your injuries”
“I…I can’t feel my spine.”
“That is usually the shock from severe whiplash,” Akali acknowledged. “You will recover from it soon enough with your physiology and proper medical care.”
“Okay, fine, fine…so!” Wukong strained his neck upwards, “Wanna explain to me what the heck that was for?!”
“Have you been inoculated?”
Wukong raised his eyebrow, “Innocu-what? You mean that stabbing thing? Pft, please, like I…”
Akali reached to her belt, took out an oversized syringe with no needle attached to it. Reaching into another pocket, she pulled out something far too ridiculous to be considered a needle, yet she screwed it onto the syringe. “Your rock skin cannot be penetrated otherwise. This will inoculate you and speed your recovery.”
Wukong’s eyes went wide as the ninja advanced on him, pressing the plunger of the syringe, letting out little squirts of his incoming cure.
One of the many things a warrior must do, in order to achieve greatness, is to realize that there is something they fear. To have fear, and to overcome it, is the true marking of a warrior. It was this day that Wukong realized his two greatest fears in life: Hypodermic needles, and the people dressed up in white who used them.
An Ionian woman sat at a table on a patio, overlooking the forestry before them. Sipping at a cup of tea, she looked over at the empty seat across from her. Taking another sip of tea, a sudden thump acknowledged his arrival. This was followed by angry shouting. Thundering, Udyr made his way to her table, wearing nothing but his sandals, his bear pelt and his underwear. Scraping the chair back, he sat in the chair, poured himself a cup of tea, and swallowed it in a single go. The woman’s glance flicked over to him, scanning him up and down, “…Udyr?”
He grunted in response.
“Why are you not wearing clothing?”
The beast man looked down at himself, and grunted again, “So that is what they were yelling about. Idiots.”
“Sheriff Caitlyn came looking for you.”
Udyr grunted in annoyance once more.
“Apparently Annie, who was in tears, found Sheriff Caitlyn to tell her that you, Udyr, were no longer a good match for Tibbers. When questioned why, the little girl reportedly exclaimed…” She reaching under the dish, she took out a piece of folded paper, unfolded it, and read aloud, “‘C-c-cuz he showed me he’s not hairy anywhere. He’s not even on fire.’” Karma held back a polite laugh, “I assume she sounded a lot more distraught than I attempted.”
“…And this is bad, how?”
She tittered ever so slightly. “It is of no consequence to you, do not worry. Have some tea, Udyr, you seem a bit more apprehensive than usual.”
Snorting, he asked, “…Did you see the interview?”
“Another one? How did it fare?”
Udyr shrugged his shoulders and quietly poured himself another cup of tea. This time, he sipped at it. The Ionian woman looked out at the environment that sprawled before them, “…Beautiful, is it not?”
“Yes. It is a beautiful sight.”
With that, she rested herself against the back of chair, closing her eyes and seemingly fell asleep. The beast man eventually spoke, “…It almost made us late for our tea, Karma.”
“It is alright.” Karma looked over at him, giving him a faint, yet warm smile, “I would have waited for you.”
Udyr snorted yet again and nodded his head. He swirled the cup about, musing in his own thoughts.
“…After this cup, would you like to retrieve your clothing?”
“I would like to accompany you.”
“You have a meeting to attend.”
“I can do both.”
Taking another silent drink of tea, his rage slowly subsided. “Fine.
For the first time that day, Udyr was at ease.
© 2013 Riot Games, Inc. All rights reserved. Riot Games, League of Legends and PvP.net are trademarks, services marks, or registered trademarks of Riot Games, Inc.