The exile and the summoner.

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Deimus144

Senior Member

01-25-2012

[CENTER]Chapter 1[/CENTER]
It was morning. The sun rays have hit on my face and I was getting ready to do it.
I held the pistol in my hand, rising my hand and putting it at my head, this was the time.
I had done everything i wanted to do in my life, and i had nothing left to live for. I waited until the sun looked on me for the last time, wanting it to look at the summoner who had failed to show someone his feelings. I have lived with my two great friends nocturne and graves from thick to thin, from their arrival to the league to its end. Noxus and Demacia are no longer at war and now made a peace treaty with each other. Nocturne, free from his prison, decided to hunt down the evil of the world with vayne, while graves, after getting revenge and reconciling with twisted fate, decided to go and find the currently missing Dr. prigs.
After the league ended, I helped graves for a while before things got out of hand. He asked me to leave him because he did not wish for any harm to go on me. I then started working as a teacher of summoning, in hopes of returning the great line of summoners, which was a success. And then, I met Riven.
She was beautiful, unlike anything i have ever seen, and I had fallen for her from the first moment my eyes looked at her.
I became friends with her pretty quickly, and it was very strong. Yet one day, my heart sank into the dirt.
It was night time, and i had invited Riven to a well known restaurant. When the time was right, I proposed to her.
She was shocked and said that she really liked me but not the same way that I loved her.
That night I drove her home, and went back to my own, yelling curses to the sky.
That was half a year ago, and I now had nothing to live for anymore. Graves location is unknown and nocturne and vayne have no need for me in their quest. And my love has left me all alone now.
I pull the trigger.


The gun was empty, and a knock came at the door that instant.
I open it only to see nocturne with vayne, the hunting duo.
"Long time no see Crow"
"And to you too old friend"
"So, you tried to suicide didnt you?"
"How did you know?"
Nocturne opens his hand, bullets cover the floor.
"Before you do that, I suggest you hear what we have to say"
"Proceed"
"There is an evil we cant stop"
"So?"
"Let me finish"
"Fine"
"Summoner magic can stop it"


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Felza

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Senior Member

01-25-2012

mmmm intriguing indeed. summoner and Riven... this love story smells fresh

I'll be watching out for this new piece~


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Deimus144

Senior Member

01-27-2012

[CENTER]Chapter 2[/CENTER]
It was midnight, and nocturne allowed me until morning to get ready for our trip.
I had a few things I had to do first.
Riven's weapon shop was open, that was good. I needed to talk to her before I leave on my trip. Entering the shop with my hooded jacket and black jeans, keeping my hood down to keep riven from seeing me, I move towards the special weapons.
I look at riven from the corner of my hood, she was as beautiful as the last time I met her.
I return to my task and find what I needed, Three, strange looking masks. Any person would have turned them down, but a strange feeling came to me when I touched them. They gave off a hidden yet powerful surge of summoning magic.
"Hey!"
I turn around yet kept my hood down.
"Please sir, I am afraid I will have to ask you to return those, for they are only allowed for summoners to use" Riven said
"I am a summoner"
"Oh, is that so?"
"Yes"
"Then prove it"
I hesitated, but I needed these masks.
I take off my hood and look her in the eye.
I would have sworn Riven could have screamed, but she covers her mouth.
"C..Cr..Crow"
We stayed silent for a minute or two.
Riven then leaps and hugs me, tears coming from her eyes.
"I...I was so worried for you! Your disciples said that you committed suicide!I..I..I Thought I lost you!"
She grabs me even harder.
"Riven"
She looks up.
"I know I asked you before, but I need to ask you again"
She drys her tears.
"Riven" I clear my throat. "Do you love me?"
Her eyes were shocked. She cleared her throat as well.
"I.... I do Crow"
Our faces come closer and closer. Our lips meet.
When the kiss ended, I told Riven that i was going to travel, and she said she was coming with me.
This was going to be one of those good yet hard adventures. In that, I was sure.











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Felza

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Senior Member

01-27-2012

mmmmmmmm a kisss..... NO RIVEN IS MINE ( Im only willing to share with GCJ).

on topic: mmm nicely done I would say, though the only problem i have is that its progressing a little bit too fast...Also, a lot of the setting is unclear. this needs to clear up before you can get into the main stream. (a good idea would be to have a memory chapter that explains the past)


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Deimus144

Senior Member

01-31-2012

First SCREW TOU AND GCJ RIVEN IS MINE!
Second I will make the flashback chapter when I can.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felza View Post
mmmmmmmm a kisss..... NO RIVEN IS MINE ( Im only willing to share with GCJ).

on topic: mmm nicely done I would say, though the only problem i have is that its progressing a little bit too fast...Also, a lot of the setting is unclear. this needs to clear up before you can get into the main stream. (a good idea would be to have a memory chapter that explains the past)


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Cerubois

Senior Member

01-31-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deimus144 View Post
First SCREW TOU AND GCJ RIVEN IS MINE!
Second I will make the flashback chapter when I can.
Screw all of you!

Riven is Lux's!

XP

Anyway, your OC needs more fleshing out. As a self-appointed father figure, I'll accept his relationship with Riven only when I see he's a dependable and likeable guy.

In other, more serious words, I'd like to see more development of him and the story.
Why is Nocturne, of all people, a good guy?
How did Demacia and Noxus form a permanent peace treaty, despite their deep hatred for each other's... everything?
How and why did the League "end"? (The whole purpose was to stop the world of Runeterra from falling apart, and I don't think there's any promise of that stopping any time soon)
Why are there summoners still around (and influential at that) if the League has ended?
Why is Riven running a weapon shop?
What are Riven's feelings/goals?
Why does he love Riven?
Why does Riven not love him before, and then love him after? (I hope to God that you aren't implying that attempted suicide is a good way to get a girl)

On a writing note, you keep switching tenses from past to present. It makes reading the story a little awkward.

I know I've mentioned a lot of stuff here, and I apologize for that and being a little too frank. But I'd like to see how you can improve. There's potential here.


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WexAndywn

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Recruiter

01-31-2012

Is that summoner named Jaykoboy? Because if so, I can't wait for more.


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Deimus144

Senior Member

02-01-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by WexAndywn View Post
Is that summoner named Jaykoboy? Because if so, I can't wait for more.
no jayko is a friend of mine but he is not the summoner.
Bad news people.
You can find the bad news in my other story called the league of heroes.