Primal senses

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SheffiTB

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Senior Member

01-19-2012

Danger.

'Danger,' the cougar growled a second time. 'Furless, like when we found you.' Could it be? humans, foolish enough not only to enter the Kumungu, but to make themselves known? More treasure seeking fools, most likely.

Suddenly a dozen birds flew into the air, squacking in fear as the tree they were nesting in fell. Another tree fell soon after. The intruders were the forest! I knew I couldn`t simply rush in and get myself killed; to destroy a forest is a horrible deed, only to be attempted by powerful creatures indeed. I went down on all fours and sniffed the air, cringing at the smell I picked up; the smell of fresh, uneaten meat. Were they trying to defile the forest?

I stood up and ran, gripping my Longclaw in one hand; an enchanted branch with a sharp Bushclaw at the end, that my parents had called a "nidal". My Longclaw, along with a few sparse words like Kumungu and Nidal from human speak, were my only remnants of my parents. As I neared the humans I began to hear them speak, though I wouldn't have been able to understand that it was human speak and not the sound of their treekillers if it wasn't for the word "Kumungu". These humans were foolish, not even knowing not to speak when in an enemy's territory. I could tell their exact position from their talk, and crawled into a bush to take aim.

From their talk I could find their exact position. A human's neck, as she knew from her own, wasn't very large, so I had to aim very slightly to the side of the source of their voice to strike their fatal point at the back of the neck. I raised my Longclaw, focused on the voices, found the closest, and aimed ever so slightly right of his voice to hit his fatal point.

'AAAAAAAAAA-' cried the human closest to me, suddenly cutting off as his last breath of air disappeared. I had successfully hit his fatal point. The frightened grunts of humans, then the sound of a claw slicing through the air sounded. I ducked, anticipating the claw to be thrown at me. I was right, and less than a milisecond later it landed by my side. The claw was similar to my own Longclaw, but shorter, and with a bird's feather's at the end. i picked it up and threw it back, this time less precisely, to warn them to turn back.

They didn't. Instead, three more Shortclaws flew into the bush that I was hiding in. I couldn't hide any longer, and since I had no idea how to throw a Shortclaw properly, I was forced to attack like a cougar. I got down on all fours and shut my eyes, as fur around my chest and hips extended to my entire body, as my nails thickened to proper Cougar claws, and my eyes slimmed into those of a hunter.

With one short growl I jumped out of the bush and onto one of them, tearing a large hole in his chest. The humans saw me and growled as well, then lifted strange claws, ones with an extremely long tip that looked very heavy, and swung at me. I easily dodged their first swings by leaping out of the way, but knew that I would not be able to take all of them down. Instead, I ran to my Longclaw that I had thrown earlier, stood back on two legs, and let my fur and claws reside. Once they saw that I was human, they ran.


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For those who haven't figured it out, this is the prologue to a story that I'm writing about nidalee. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.


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Elsaliss

Senior Member

01-19-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by SheffiTB View Post
Danger.

'Danger,' the cougar growled a second time. 'Furless, like when we found you.' Could it be? humans, foolish enough not only to enter the Kumungu, but to make themselves known? More treasure seeking fools, most likely.



I stood up and ran, gripping my Longclaw in one hand; an enchanted branch with a sharp Bushclaw at the end, that my parents had called a "nidal". My Longclaw, along with a few sparse words like Kumungu and Nidal from human speak, were my only remnants of my parents.

From their talk I could find their exact position. A human's neck, as she knew from her own, wasn't very large, so I had to aim very slightly to the side of the source of their voice to strike their fatal point at the back of the neck. I raised my Longclaw, focused on the voices, found the closest, and aimed ever so slightly right of his voice to hit his fatal point.
I'm confused...Is this written in 3rd person or 1st person? Also more description would be nice, and if this is in 1st person, more thoughts.


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SheffiTB

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01-19-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent Warden View Post
I'm confused...Is this written in 3rd person or 1st person? Also more description would be nice, and if this is in 1st person, more thoughts.
1st person, I hate writing in 3rd person. Notice that when it sounds like it's third person, it's because I'm not mentioning what nidalee is doing, I'm describing the surroundings (or more accureately, nidalee is). The cougar at the beginning isn't her, she grew up with cougars and therefore speaks their language.

This is supposed to be the kind of story where you understand everything as you go along (mostly because I don't even know what's going to happen).


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Elsaliss

Senior Member

01-19-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by SheffiTB View Post
1st person, I hate writing in 3rd person. Notice that when it sounds like it's third person, it's because I'm not mentioning what nidalee is doing, I'm describing the surroundings (or more accureately, nidalee is). The cougar at the beginning isn't her, she grew up with cougars and therefore speaks their language.

This is supposed to be the kind of story where you understand everything as you go along (mostly because I don't even know what's going to happen).

Ok thanks for that! This is an interesting tale you have here. *cough-noticetheplus1Igaveya-cough*


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SheffiTB

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01-19-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent Warden View Post
Ok thanks for that! This is an interesting tale you have here. *cough-noticetheplus1Igaveya-cough*
*coughnoticetheplusoneIgaveyatoocough*


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SheffiTB

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Senior Member

01-20-2012

Chapter 1

I followed the humans out of the forest, and much further. To everyone including myself I said that I was ensuring that they wouldn't turn around, but deep inside me I knew it was the curiosity of where the humans came from, since I hadn't seen any before this. They went far, traveled farther than twice the length of the Kulumungu, which I had never left before, until they reached some kind of human creation, taller than a dozen humans standing on top of each other.

They went in, but I, not wanting to reveal my presence, climbed the side until I found some kind of hole in the creation from which I could peer inside, but not fall in. Inside, the humans met another human, clearly the pack leader from how they treated him. The humans spoke for a long time until I began to tire. This was much more boring than I had anticipated. They did nothing but talk, and I couldn't understand what they were saying. I heard the word "kulumungu" a number of times, and I understood that they were talking about me, but the time that they spoke without tiring, and the ravens flying above my head, were making me restless.

I wanted to move, to be free, but it might reveal my position, and I was greatly out numbered if they decided to attack me. Instead I stood still as they continued to talk. Clearly communication is much more important among humans than among cougars; I would need to learn to communicate to stay here.

"Stay?" I thought to myself, "Why did that thought come up? I am not staying here, just making sure that they can't defile the Kulumungu again." No matter how much I tried to shake it off, though, part of me knew I wanted to stay.

The human's communication was actually quite fascinating, as I began to focus more; they didn't use their body, only their mouths, and made dozens of sounds that cougars couldn't even begin to pronounce. They would combine these sounds in different orders to speak, instead of growling and making gestures with their whiskers, paws, and bodies.

Suddenly, something happened. A raven stood on the leader's shoulder as if it was a branch, and the leader immediately turned his head to me. The raven had told him that I was here! I turned to run, but something caught my eye; on the man's chest was a symbol of some sort, that looked familiar, though I had no idea from what. The symbol was two lines, the colour like a cougar's fur, meeting at their ends, on a water-like colour in the background. It was a strange symbol, to be sure, but I could not look away. One of the humans ran to the hole that I was in, and though my first reaction was to raise my Longclaw, I quickly understood he meant no harm and lowered it again.

The human took me inside the large human creation that the leader was in, and the leader spoke, of the kulumungu and of many other things that I did not understand. I tilted my head to show that I did not understand, but I still could not look away from that symbol on his chest. He finally noticed my interest, looked at the symbol on his chest, back at me, and said a single word that I knew I must remember: "League".


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SheffiTB

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01-20-2012

no one's commenting, does that mean that this is a bad story?


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Cerubois

Senior Member

01-20-2012

Relax. The fanfiction forum doesn't get anywhere close to the traffic of General Discussion. Don't expect massive amounts of replies. Heck, my story's been up for a month and a half, usually on the first page, and it still only has 4000 views. :P

Your writing isn't bad at all, and the story itself is rather interesting. I hadn't looked up Nidalee's lore beforehand, since she didn't really interest me. But now that I have, I think you're pulling it off quite nicely. I think I'll have to follow this one.


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SheffiTB

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03-01-2012

"League". That word stayed in my head for ages. The moment the humans looked away, I leaped onto the cliff-like surface and climbed until I reached the hole which I had peered through earlier. It took them several moments to understand what was happening, and in that time I was long gone. I knew I had to find out more about this league, but it would be hard to get the information out of these humans. I had to find others, ones that I could threaten with a spear to the throat.

It wasn't long before I found a lone human, walking slowly with something on his back, which I quickly recognized as food to take to his young ones. I didn't care. I waited behind a tree until he got close, then jumped forward and put my spear up to his throat, so close that a single movement from either of us would draw blood.

"League," I commanded in my most threatening voice. One way or another, this would give me something. He looked at my strangely, so I repeated myself.

Suddenly, the look on his face changed to a look of partial comprehension, and he slowly- so as to show that he wasn't threatening me- turned northward. He started walking, leading me to somewhere. Perhaps League was a place? Perhaps he was leading me to someone who knew more? Perhaps he was leading me until he could find someone to save him? I had no way of knowing, so I followed.

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This did not take long at all, I don't know what you're talking about.