[Story] Lack of lore, in universe

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KibaWolf04

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Senior Member

12-27-2012

Nice


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Ask Tyrant Swain

Member

12-28-2012

First of all, I like the story. Is brilliant, aside from a single minor flaw.
Also:

Quote:
Originally Posted by HerbaNoctis View Post
I'd give it an 8/10.
First, you wouldn't be able to see her face after ~100 birds had been at it. It would be a red pulp with some bone in there. Minor detail, just rework those 3 or 4 lines.
Second, you kinda fail to address why LeBlanc is loyal to Swain. If she even is. If LeBlanc is powerful enough to more or less singlehandedly hand one of the most powerful Summoners in the League's ass to her, why is she working for Swain? You can't find evil henchmen (or women in this case) who all 3 of smart, loyal, and evil. She's smart, and she's evil. So why is she loyal? In a conspiracy theory like this, you want to assume more betrayal, not less, or make it very clear why people are loyal. Especially someone called the Deceiver.
Third, I remember it being Zilean who made the stasis spell. While that isn't exactly a vital detail since Swain really just wants power, you should probably rework that section for accuracy's sake.

Overall, it's an above-average conspiracy theory. A few minor flaws in terms of consistency with in-game lore, but the lack of addressing LeBlanc's loyalty or lack of it is the (relatively) major problem I see with it. It's overall pretty good, but it needs to be expanded on somewhat.
1. Unless the OP edited it after you had posted, there is no line stating that the ravens ate the face. And as smart as Swain is he would have probably avoided the area.
2. LeBlanc's loyalty to Swain is Swain's loyalty to LeBlanc. If you read her judgement I think it pretty much clears it up. Also, it is quite possible that Swain and LeBlanc have been working together from the moment Darkwill took over Noxus. But that's just speculation. Real proof is, again, in her judgement.
3. The only real mistake here. Can be edited out.

I'd give it a 9/10


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