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The Journal Of Justice, Issue Something, Stardate 22 83.4

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Renekton Bot

Senior Member

01-09-2012

I guys I wrote you all a new issue of the JoJ then forgot to post it here I'M SORRY FORGIVE ME <3


Psychopath replaces entire body with metal, joins League of Legends
by Joarri Blintuffin

Speak the name “Viktor” to any member of the College of Techmaturgy and you will receive varied reactions- most of them negative. The inventor, whose last name remains unknown, disappeared from the college after a scandal drove him into hiding. Just recently however, Viktor re-emerged from his self-imposed exile... Or at least, some of him did.
Friends, family and former colleagues were shocked to find that the man had replaced almost 87% of his body with synthetic parts.
The scandal that caused Viktor's sudden disappearance centered around the origins of Blitzcrank, Runeterra's first sentient artificial life-form. Viktor claimed that he had invented the complex technologies that gave the robot its sentience, a claim which revered techmaturgist Prof. K. Z. Stanwick calls “ridiculous,” “utterly unfounded,” and “stupid, just like that idiot Viktor.”
“Viktor was one of the less-intelligent members of our revered college,” said Stanwick at a recent assembly. “He was always taking credit for the work of his peers, and quite frankly we were lucky to be rid of him.”
When questioned about the fact that the majority of research regarding Blitzcrank's automation systems was first recovered from Viktor's office, Stanwick became defensive.
“Of course he stole those, too! He took them from my office, crossed out my name, wrote his over it, then hid the documents in a safe which only coincidentally had remained locked until well after Blitzcrank's unveiling to the world.”
One reporter inquired about claims from Blitzcrank itself, who has gone on record as stating that Viktor was his inventor, and that Stanwick was a great big fat fraud, at which point Stanwick adjourned the meeting and had everyone present forcibly escorted from the campus.
“For all the credit he gets, I've never actually seen [Stanwick] doing... you know, actual work.” said one of Stanwick's assistants, who requested that he remain anonymous. “Like, he makes us do everything, and then he takes credit for it and says that if we tell anyone he'll have his robot kill us.”
“I used to wish for Stanwick's painful demise.” said Viktor himself at a press conference. “I have transcended such base desires as revenge. If I burn off his skin and torture him to death it will be purely for scientific purposes.”
Viktor then announced that he would be joining the famed League of Legends in order to pit his new mechanical self against the strongest opponents possible, a decision that many claimed was “kind of unusual.”
“Look, if it were me? I'd wanna strangle [Stanwick].” said one attendee. “You don't spend years in seclusion, your grief fueling an insane desire to replace your flesh with metal and turn yourself into a walking cataclysm just to pop out of hiding one day and not want at least a little revenge on the guy who ruined your life and destroyed your credibility. But then, you do something like that in the first place you gotta have a couple of screws loose. Pardon the pun.”



Residents of Valoran worry about increasing Void influence
by Mogi Voxu

The Void. Long considered a horrific anti-reality, the Void has long since been confirmed to be even worse. Filled with nightmares beyond mortal imagining, the Void is something that every inhabitant of Valoran knows and fears, and many have expressed concerns that not enough is being done to protect Runeterra from the ever-encroaching threat.
“We all know that the Void can, and in fact has, spilled across the dimensional barrier and invaded our world.” said Eru Tonby, a professor of Void studies at Freljord University. “The first recorded instance of this was in Icathia, an ancient city that has since fallen into ruin and vanished off the face of Valoran. According to writings we have recovered, Icathia in its heyday was an enormous metropolis that housed a man-made portal to the Void itself! It was said that the inhabitants of that city welcomed the denizens of the Void to our world and sought to ally with them for reasons at which we today can only guess. Fortunately, the portal has long since been lost, so a full-scale invasion of Valoran is extremely unlikely.”
Many disagree.
“The Voidborn have attempted to subjugate Runeterra once before, and there's no evidence to suggest that they won't try to do so again.” claims one Void researcher at the Piltover Academy of Science. “They just need to find a way in. There are even two Voidborn champions in the League of Legends, and they make no secret of wanting to kill and eat us all, among... other things.”
“The recent controversy surrounding the Void is both factually incorrect and completely close-minded” said League champion Malzahar, infamous for his connections to the otherworldly plane. “The Voidborn have never been anything but Runeterra's most steadfast allies, and YOUR SOULS WILL BE SCATTERED ACROSS THE STARS-- Oh, ah, excuse me. Could we omit that outburst? Thanks. As I was saying, I for one believe that we should embrace their infinite friendship and give ourselves fully to their dark masters.”
According to research from experts in Zaun, Valoran may not have much choice in the matter. Several research stations south of the Great Barrier, where Void energies most commonly manifest, have noted a marked increase in abnormal occurrences. They have isolated several areas in which the void seems to have taken some manner of hold... And these areas seem to be growing.
“I know firsthand the horrific influence of the Void,” said the League champion Kassadin during a brief interview. Kassadin, an outspoken critic of Malzahar, is one of the “Void-touched,” mortal beings who have had personal contact with Void energies and managed to escape with their lives... Or at the very least, their sanity. “I was once a normal man, like you. The Void warped me, twisted my very essence. I have the strength of a hundred men, I wield powers greater than most can imagine, I can walk through the very fabrics of reality and-- ...You know, I'm really not providing a very compelling argument. Can we start over?”
The Voidborn champions Cho'gath and Kog'maw were unable to be reached for comment. For now, experts advise that anyone not wishing to join the Dark Ones in their nightmare eternity should steer clear of the Shurima region, and in fact most of southern Valoran.




Lethargy plagues League champions
By Jaessa Norlen

A great number of cases have been reported of League of Legends champions suffering from a form of chronic lethargy, a condition which severely impacts their ability to react on the fields.
“It's the strangest thing.” said Shen, a member of the illustrious Kinkou ninja team, “I mean, I have no problem walking, running, dashing, or hurling swords at people. But I see an attack coming at me and I just think, 'eh,' and I let it hit me. For whatever reason, I cannot bring myself to dodge it.”
“I'm fine with this. I really am.” said Graves, a notorious outlaw. “I consider myself a very good shot. The best, in fact, but all us outlaws consider ourselves 'the best,' and it's hard not to hit something with a shotgun. But every once in a while, you're lining up that perfect kill, and they just happen to twitch at the last second and have the shot go right by 'em. Then they get away. There's not a feelin' in the world worse than that, and now I never have to deal with it again. Hopefully.”
“I've probably spent more money than I made last year trying to find a cure for this.” said Jax, a champion renowned for his reflexes and acrobatic combat style. “This is ruining my life. Dodging is what I do. It's a part of me. If I can't do that, what can I do? These days people try to summon me, I'm down at the lake fishing. I can't be bothered to fight.”
But champions like Jax aren't the only ones who can't avoid the repercussions. Godlike Arms, makers of the “Sword of the Divine” series of combat amplifiers, recently had to file for bankruptcy, and nobody took it harder than Alar Gladstone, president and CEO.
“I'll be honest. Our product was never the most popular buy in the League, but when people absolutely needed to make sure they connected, they came to us. Suddenly nobody needs our wares anymore, and we're stuck holding the proverbial bag. But that's life, I guess.”
Some, however, are exploring the benefits of this unexpected epidemic. Zappytime Ballistics, makers of such weaponry as the Ionic Spark, found new business with the closure of Godlike Arms.
“While I do feel for our competitor, whatever's happened to the League's champions has opened new avenues for business, and we here at Zappytime Ballistics are taking full advantage. With the loss of the Sword of the Divine, champions fighting on Summoner's Rift need something new to hit their opponents in the face with, and the League has allowed us to sell our product in that battlefield instead of just the Crystal Scar.”
Whether this condition is permanent remains to be seen, but already the League has issues thousands of refunds for summoners who had previously purchased 'dodge runes.'
“Been a busy day.” said one League runecrafter, “I've been up to my neck in these dodge seals, which doesn't say a lot what with me being a yordle and all, and I've got until the end of the week to turn them into something useful. Plus, they've got us working on brand new runes at the same time! I know you can't plan for these sorts of things, but I do wish they'd have given us a bigger timetable. Ah well, adapt and survive, or whatever.”



Mailbag of Justice.

Dear Journal Staff,
Has something happened to the quality of Warmog's armors lately? I've owned a Warmog's chestpiece for years now, and its always worked great. But I bought one for my son a few days ago and they just don't seem to be making them like they used to. What happened? Did I just get a dud?
--Concerned Warmog's Client.

Dear Concerned,
It's not just you. Plenty of people have been writing in to tell us about their experiences in purchasing unsatisfactory armors. An official Spokesperson for Warmog's Inc. has confirmed that due to a labor dispute dozens of employees are refusing to work, forcing the company to hire temporary workers to fill their positions. These workers unfortunately do not possess the experience required to make satisfactory pieces, resulting in the degradation of quality that you are experiencing. Warmog's inc has promised that as soon as the dispute is over and production returns to standard levels, refunds will be issued for all chestpieces purchased in the last month.
--Zaek Drilgard


Dear Journal of Justice,
Where does all the extra gold generated during league matches go? Seriously, those champions have to be rolling by now, how come they don't retire?
--Jealous

Dear Jealous,
The gold generated during league matches is, unfortunately, fake. This allows the champions to accrue thousands upon thousands of gold without completely destroying Valoran's economy. That's not to say they aren't paid handsomely for their participation in the league, however. In addition to a regular salary, champions are granted both hazard pay and a large bonus for being a part of a planetary preservation organization. The downside is that they take part in no-holds-barred mortal combat, which can be extremely painful at times. I hope this helps abate your envy!
--Zaek Drilgard



edit: Previous Issues:
http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=1445441 (Scroll down a little)
http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/showthread.php?t=1571073


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Ovalusc1

Senior Member

01-09-2012

****ing hilarious, as usual. I love your work.
Also, 3 upvotes but only 2 views? O_o


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Fenix12345

Senior Member

01-09-2012

Made my day, not for the first time too.


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belthazor3457

Senior Member

01-09-2012

Quote:
Ovalusc1:
****ing hilarious, as usual. I love your work.
Also, 3 upvotes but only 2 views? O_o


We haz youtube effect in play = D


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Mädchen

Senior Member

01-10-2012

Quote:
Viktor then announced that he would be joining the famed League of Legends in order to pit his new mechanical self against the strongest opponents possible, a decision that many claimed was “kind of unusual.”
“Look, if it were me? I'd wanna strangle [Stanwick].” said one attendee. “You don't spend years in seclusion, your grief fueling an insane desire to replace your flesh with metal and turn yourself into a walking cataclysm just to pop out of hiding one day and not want at least a little revenge on the guy who ruined your life and destroyed your credibility. But then, you do something like that in the first place you gotta have a couple of screws loose. Pardon the pun.”


I spat my Monster all over my keyboard. +1.


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JacobianMatrix

Senior Member

01-10-2012

This is genius.


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