do you like this fan fic

yes, keep posting this fan fic 3 75.00%
yes, but stop posting this fan fic 0 0%
no, but it is a decent idea 1 25.00%
no, stop posting fan fic all together 0 0%
Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

shadow of the kinkou: introduction

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Ouroborous HD

Senior Member

01-01-2012

Ehteria is male, 6ft 4in, has scraggly black hair, think traditional lee sin hair except black, lean and muscular, highly intelligent, pretty much the only clothing he has is full length black trousers, black demon wing tattoo on his left shoulder and extending down his arm, white angel tattoo wing on his right shoulder and extending down his arm, left eye is pitch black and his right eye is pure white. story starts at the kinkou temple on the ionian isles and yes i will be incorporating Etheria into the league and does this mean you want more


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Psychromaniac

Member

01-01-2012

Ok, I'm sorry but...this is actually kind of funny, considering how many problems there are.

well, for starters, the introduction isn't really as much of an intro as it is a character description. The character you've described is horribly correspondent to that of a mary-sue, mostly since you haven't described at all what she's like and more what she can do, which are not the same thing. What are her hobbies/interests? As far as I can tell, she's an emotionless robot set on a legendary quest to do absolutely, nothing. I can vaguely understand that you're trying to kinda work off of the personality of Shen, but how much is there to actually work off of? No offense, Riot, but I wouldn't call Shen the ideal blueprint for an astounding character.

Second, the intro gives the reader nothing as to what kind of story this will be, and overall makes it sound more boring than exciting. What kind of genre is it going to be? Horror? Comedy? Action? Romance? The tone of voice for this little spiel is so bland, it sounds more along the lines of a history textbook than an exciting story.


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Ouroborous HD

Senior Member

01-02-2012

kk i have decided to start with chapter one hopefully i will have it posted in a few days so i will look into having this thread closed


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Cerubois

Senior Member

01-02-2012

Before you close this, I want to give you some advice as a writer in general.

Do not write for the sake of other people. Don't ask if people want to read your story before you write it. Write it first, and present it to them to read. Convince them to read it with an interesting introduction. If they like it, they will read it then. If not, then at least you've tried.
Write for yourself first and foremost. It's your idea. It's your story. Make it sound good to you. Then once you're finished, ask others' opinions and you can figure out how to make it better and appeal to more people. This is the only way to improve. Otherwise you'll be stuck at "Oh, my idea got rejected again. Next one."

Good luck!


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