[STORY/CHALLENGE] My Talks with the League

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Edasich

Senior Member

04-28-2012

Fiddlesticks

Issun: Fiddlesticks, I presume? You're not as scary as I imagined.
Fiddlesticks: Don't lie to me, summoner. I can feel your fear.
Issun: ...
Fiddlesticks: [points to Issun's legs] Your knees are quaking.
Issun: [looks down to see that Fiddlesticks is right] Oh. (regaining his composure) Well, to start this interview, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Fiddlesticks: That I can fight and kill as I please. Endlessly. Also. how I love the look of terror in my enemies' eyes when I strike them down.
Issun: I see.
Fiddlesticks: Over and over again.
Issun: Okay. What do you dislike about the League?
Fiddlesticks: That there are only three Fields of Justice as of now. Summoner's Rift, Twisted Treeline, and the Crystal Scar get dreadfully mundane after a while.
Issun: I know, right?
Fiddlesticks: Yes, indeed.
Issun: Do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Fiddlesticks: I care not for such paltry concepts as that. What is a homeland but a splotch of ink on parchment?
Issun: Good answer. Moving on, seeing as you're essentially a scarecrow, you don't need to eat, right?
Fiddlesticks: Not as you humans do; I am instead sustained by fear. (balefully and gleefully) And your Institute of War provides an unlimited supply...
Issun: (nervous) Uh, then, what's your favorite color?
Fiddlesticks: I say black, the color of crow feathers.
Issun: And what do you like to do in your spare time?
Fiddlesticks: The only thing I can do outside the Fields of Justice: patiently await my next victims.
Issun: Have you ever considered talking with my superiors about more uses?
Fiddlesticks: Now that you mention it...no. I have not.
Issun: Maybe, you should. At any rate, have you met anyone in the League who particularly interests you?
Fiddlesticks: I can name at least two: Nocturne and Evelynn. I hear they too feed on fear, but they only do so actively.
Issun: How do you do it?
Fiddlesticks: That is a secret only my victims know. Before I eviscerate them, of course.
Issun: ...Uh... (uneasily) To finish this interview, then, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Fiddlesticks: However long I am needed. I could openly rebel if I wished to, but what point would there be?
Issun: I don't know. Anyway, thanks for-- [becomes short of breath for a moment, then freezes with unknown fear]
Fiddlesticks: You are most welcome, summoner. [laughs diabolically as a murder of crows flies around from out of nowhere]


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Edasich

Senior Member

04-30-2012

Rammus

Issun: Hello. You must be Rammus.
Rammus: ...Hm...
Issun: Uh, what?
Rammus: [starts miming bizarre gestures]
Issun: I'm sorry. What are you trying to say?
Heimerdinger: Oh, what a coincidence, summoner!
Issun: Oh, hi, Heimerdinger.
Heimerdinger: I see you're trying to interview Rammus, here.
Issun: Yeah. What's he doing?
Heimerdinger: You'll have to forgive him; a few months ago, I tried teaching him Common with no success, so I taught him sign language instead. He has taken to it very handily.
Rammus: [nods]
Issun: I see.
Heimerdinger: I'll be happy to translate for you, if you please.
Issun: Oh, please do. (to Rammus) Now, to start, Rammus, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: He said, "No one makes fun of me because I apparently look weird."
Issun: Considering the appearances of half of the League's members, I thought he would feel comfortable here.
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "I was very nervous when I first came here, but now, I'm okay."
Issun: That's nice. What do you dislike about the League?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "Ezreal."
Issun: Ezreal? Why him?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "He won't leave me alone."
Issun: He does find you very interesting, though, and he said he would like to know more about you.
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "I have feelings, too. He should know that."
Issun: Oh, I see. Moving on, do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: I'm terribly sorry; I'm having trouble keeping track of what he's saying, but I believe he has quite an extensive family.
Issun: How extensive?
Heimerdinger: Unless I'm mistaken, apart from his parents, mate, and children, he has mentioned at least 432 nieces and nephews, 17 siblings, and 85 cousins.
Issun: Wow.
Rammus: [nods]
Issun: Well, moving on, what's your favorite food?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "Termites."
Issun: I see. What about a color?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "I don't have one."
Issun: Okay. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "Walking and rolling."
Issun: I see. Who have you met in the League who particularly interests you?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "Heimerdinger." Oh, wait. That's me. [laugh] "I like that he tried to teach me to speak Common, but he might want to get those metal arms out of his...head...?" These, I would have you know, are tools, not arms.
Issun: [laugh] Oh, sorry. I know I shouldn't be laughing.
Heimerdinger: No, go on. Continue. Don't mind me.
Issun: Okay. To finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Rammus: [makes gestures]
Heimerdinger: "Until some other place can accept me for who I am."
Issun: Well, thank you for letting me interview you, and you can stay here for as long as you like.
Rammus: Okay.


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-05-2012

Varus

Issun: Hey. I think I remember you.
Varus: I should think so, summoner Issun Miyamo. You once came to visit me and my family at the Temple of the Pit of Pallas. Before you fled for Demacia, of course.
Issun: Varus?
Varus: Yes, summoner. It is I.
Issun: What happened to you? How did you survive--?
Varus: One question at a time.
Issun: Oh, sorry.
Varus: Hmph. At any rate, I'm more than certain you'll learn those details from what your superiors tell you. Now, get on with your interview.
Issun: Okay. To start, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Varus: Not much more than the chance to exact vengeance on those who took everything from me, from all of Ionia.
Issun: If you mean the soldiers of Noxus, they didn't take everything from Ionia when they invaded; it's still very much alive, for starters.
Varus: ...
Issun: Uh, anyway, what do you dislike about the League?
Varus: The notion that some I once considered allies have grown soft.
Issun: Soft?
Varus: Some have lost far more than simply a family and village at the hands of Noxus, and yet they seem to not care. Why?
Issun: You might want to ask them about it.
Varus: And before you ask, you of all people should know that everyone I've ever known and loved is dead because of the dogs of Noxus.
Issun: Well, that's in the past, isn't it?
Varus: What has been, you cannot change, as you may say, but you'll find that it goes both ways.
Issun: I think I get it. Moving on, I seem to remember your being quite fond of spicy dishes, especially curry.
Varus: Yes, and I have yet to taste a portion like what my wife once made.
Issun: Oh. What was your favorite color again?
Varus: No longer have one.
Issun: I see. You still like practicing archery in your spare time, right?
Varus: I did. With my son. But now, it's more or less my sworn duty.
Issun: Things tend to happen that way. Who have you met in the League who particularly interests you?
Varus: Define "interests".
Issun: I guess just in general.
Varus: Then I give mention to several different champions, all of whom say they desire Noxus brought to its knees but none of whom have the will to act on that desire as I do.
Issun: And they would be...?
Varus: Alistair, Garen, Irelia, Jarvan IV, Master Yi, Xin Zhao, and especially Tryndamere.
Issun: ...Uh, well, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Varus: It's not enough for Noxus to simply be brought to its knees; every trace of that name deserves nothing less than annihilation. And I will stay here as long as it takes for that day to come.
Issun: Good luck with that, I suppose.
Varus: I just may need it.
Issun: Well...uh, thanks for letting me talk with you...again.
Varus: ...


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-11-2012

Gragas

Gragas: [stops drinking deeply from his casket of ale to look at Issun] [belch] [laugh] Oh, that was good. You really oughta try some.
Issun: Maybe I will, but first, I'd like an interview with you, if you please.
Gragas: (slurred) Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.
Issun: Okay. Now, to start, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Gragas: (slurred) What's there not to like? Fight time, drink time, song and dance time. Any hour's happy hour here. I love it! [laugh]
Issun: I'll bet, especially since you're drunk nearly the whole time.
Gragas: (slurred) Me? Drunk? How do you know you're not drunk? All the world's a woozy lens, no matter how you look at it.
Issun: I see.
Gragas: (slurred) More like "eye see."
Issun: That's what I said.
Gragas: (slurred) No, it isn't.
Issun: ...Uh, well, what do you dislike about the League?
Gragas: (slurred) Didn't I answer that question already?
Issun: I...guess so.
Gragas: (slurred) That's what I thought.
Issun: Okay. Well, moving on, do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Gragas: (slurred) What's a homeland?
Issun: It's kind of like where you grew up.
Gragas: (slurred) Again, what's a homeland?
Issun: I just told you.
Gragas: (slurred) No, you didn't.
Issun: Yes, I did.
Gragas: (slurred) Next question!
Issun: Oh, right. What's your favorite food?
Gragas: (slurred) Food? Only thing I need is a nice pint of grog to keep me going.
Issun: Isn't that just because of the magic that has seeped into yours?
Gragas: (slurred) Who cares? It's great stuff.
Issun: Okay. What about a color, then?
Gragas: (slurred) Purple, I guess.
Issun: And what do you like to do in your spare time?
Gragas: (slurred) Brewing. Wine, ale, beer. I can brew anything. And I do it 'cause I love it, and the people who come to drink, too.
Issun: Within the conversation, have you met anyone in the League who particularly interests you?
Gragas: (slurred) Singed, for one. Ashe and Tryndamere, for another. They seemed a bit iffy about my brews when I first told them about my two bestsellers, Graggy Ice and Avarosa Iceflow. But now, we're all great partners in the business.
Issun: Interesting.
Gragas: (slurred) Yeah, right?
Issun: Anyway, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Gragas: (slurred) Until there's no one left to sell drinks to. And hey, that day will come when there's no world left, and who knows when that'll happen? [laugh] Seriously? Why can't we all just be friends and drink together?
Issun: Well, thanks for letting me interview you.
Gragas: (slurred) Of course. [hands Issun a huge mug of liquor] Have a drink, why don't you?
Issun: Uh...sure. [sniffs the mug but recoils a bit from the smell]
Gragas: (slurred) Go on. Give it a swig.
Issun: [drinks the contents of the mug and sets it down on a nearby counter, then wavers for a moment]
Gragas: (slurred) Whaddya think? Great stuff, eh?
Issun: (slurred) Eh... Oh, right. What was I talking about again?


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-17-2012

Hecarim

Issun: You must be Hecarim, correct?
Hecarim: Indeed, I am, summoner.
Issun: You're not as scary as people say you are. You should try looking Fiddlesticks in the eyes. That's scary.
Hecarim: Bah! As if that insignificant scarecrow is worthy of my notice. Furthermore, must you waste my time any further?
Issun: Oh, right. Now, to start this interview, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Hecarim: Fear. Suffering. This place is rank with it. And the souls that harbor it cry out for release. I am more than happy to oblige.
Issun: I suppose that makes a certain degree of sense.
Hecarim: It had better, lest you wish to visit the same fate as my last victims.
Issun: I see. What do you dislike about the League?
Hecarim: That I had to force my way in, for starters. When others of your kind judged me, they initially saw me unfit for its ranks.
Issun: My superiors tend to do that to prospective champions who try to force their way in. It's...complicated, to say the least.
Hecarim: Complicated? Ha! How laughable.
Issun: Moving on, I assume you don't strictly need to eat, being a spectre and all, do you?
Hecarim: Not as you fleshlings do, no. Instead, I feed on fear and despair, and this "League of Legends" is loaded with both.
Issun: I see. What's your favorite color, then?
Hecarim: The colors of scorched earth and twisted corpses.
Issun: [awkward pause]
Hecarim: It is the sight of war, a sight of my very essence.
Issun: Less awkward. What do you like to do in your spare--
Hecarim: [swings his glaive at Issun's head, forcing him to leap out of the way in surprise and alarm] That, repeatedly.
Issun: (nervous) Okay, then. Uh, who have you met in the League who particularly interests you?
Hecarim: The impostor known as Evelynn poses as one from the Shadow Isles, yet she fights only as one from this mainland called Valoran.
Issun: Well, she does neither confirm nor deny her connection there, so...
Hecarim: I have yet to see a creature such as herself from there.
Issun: Who knows?
Hecarim: I know.
Issun: Okay. Okay. I get it. Now, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Hecarim: Until the day that war returns to this land and the League of Legends is no more than a ruinous memory of mortals' attempts to usurp the forces beyond. This is not the first time you have made such a grave mistake.
Issun: Then, I can only hope that day doesn't come for a long time.
Hecarim: It may come sooner than you expect, and I will savor that day greatly.
Issun: ...Uh, thanks for letting me interview you.
Hecarim: Bah! As if it was more than a waste of time for the both of us.


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-24-2012

Ashe

Ashe: [playfully aiming her bow slightly above Issun's head] Freeze!
Issun: (shocked) Gah! [instinctively sticks his hands in the air]
Ashe: (laughing) [lowers her bow] I'm just kidding.
Issun: [lowers his hands uneasily] You champions should really stop doing things like that.
Ashe: (turning more serious) It's not my fault I caught you unaware. You wouldn't last ten minutes in Freljord like that.
Issun: [sigh] I guess you're right. Anyway, on to business. To start this interview, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Ashe: Well, aside from the political support I can incur from you summoners and your superiors, I love the costumes you have designed.
Issun: (somewhat pleasantly surprised) Wow. You're the first champion I've met who has actually complemented our alternate costume designs.
Ashe: Well, I don't know about the other champions you spoke with, but my alternate outfits happen to strike very close to home, and they look amazing. Personally, the Amethyst armor is my favorite; it shows that I enjoy more in life than ice and archery.
Issun: I see. Well, what do you dislike about the League of Legends?
Ashe: I've heard really nasty rumors about many champions, none of which I would care to repeat--out of the need to stifle them before they get worse.
Issun: Wise words to live by, Ashe.
Ashe: Trust me. I've learned that lesson the hard way.
Issun: Okay. Now, do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Ashe: Well...not exactly. Everyone I've come to call close--even Sejuani--is already here. Well, that is, except for maybe--
Issun: I thought you hated Sejuani.
Ashe: Oh? Then you have that notion backwards. I do pity her, though; having such...well, let's say "backwards" thinking about Freljord is really unhealthy. There's only so much we, as a nation, can salvage from our homeland.
Issun: I see. So, what do you like to do in your spare time?
Ashe: Aside from archery, I like arranging shiny objects. It takes a very keen eye to discern one from the other, sometimes.
Issun: Hence your Amethyst armor, right?
Ashe: Sort of. I also like to cook, but I'm... (embarrassed) kind of terrible at it.
Issun: It can't be that bad.
Ashe: Tell Tryndamere that, and he'll probably mention the day of the exploding bacon. I still don't know how that's even possible.
Issun: (laughing) Within the conversation, what's your favorite food?
Ashe: Trout. I do have to steer clear of Volibear and his tribe when I fish, though.
Issun: I can probably guess why. What about a favorite color?
Ashe: Violet.
Issun: I see. Have you met anyone in the League who particularly interests you?
Ashe: Aside from my fellow champions of Freljord, a number of archers and gunners have piqued my interest. Caitlyn, in particular. She and I regularly practice at the shooting range.
Issun: How does that go?
Ashe: I usually win in terms of overall accuracy, but she has longer range. All things considered, we're equals.
Issun: That's good to hear. Now, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Ashe: As long as it takes to see lasting peace come to Freljord. War is an ugly thing, especially civil war.
Issun: Good answer.
Ashe: Thank you. (jokingly) You may now leave.
Issun: [smiles in goodwill]


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-24-2012

Darius

Issun: (nervously) Uh, hi, Darius.
Darius: (laughing) What's the matter, summoner? Scared?
Issun: Uh, a little.
Darius: I thought so. Lots of people have the same reaction when they see me. And they very well should.
Issun: Okay, then. [clears his throat and regains his composure] Well, to start this interview, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Darius: You mean besides showing support for Commander Swain publicly without any repercussions and killing my enemies over and over again? Well, actually, there is something else. Your armories have a very big collection of weapons, some more impressive than others.
Issun: Really?
Darius: Yeah. I mean come on. How many places on Valoran are you going to see so many weapons with serrated and/or barbed edges? Lots of damage potential in those things, I tell you.
Issun: I'll bet. What do you dislike about the League?
Darius: Some of you summoners never seem to shut up when griping about new regulations to put on the Fields of Justice.
Issun: You mean like when many summoners apparently kept banning Jax before he started using his lamppost?
Darius: Yeah, exactly.
Issun: I see. Moving on, do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Darius: You mean besides my little brother? Nobody. I'm sure you've heard this dozens of times before, but Noxus is a brutal place to live. You kill to survive. That's all there is to it.
Issun: So I hear. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Darius: Training for war, for one; a warrior like me cannot and will not rest until his goal is complete. Swimming, for another; it's weight lifting, aerobics, and flexibility training all in one, and you never feel hot or sweaty.
Issun: Interesting. Moving on, what's your favorite food?
Darius: I'd gladly take some peanuts any day of the week. Besides, it's not like orphan life left you much of a choice to eat.
Issun: I see. What about a color?
Darius: [points to his armor] What do you think?
Issun: Good answer. Have you met anyone in the League who particularly interests you?
Darius: Define "interests".
Issun: Well, any sense, in general.
Darius: Then I guess I'd have to mention Garen. Seriously, how does he spin around like that without getting dizzy?
Issun: I don't know either; he never says how.
Darius: Somebody should beat that answer out of him, then. (slightly eagerly) And hey, if no one else, why not me?
Issun: ...Uh, well, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Darius: I've said it before, and I'll say it again. A united Noxus could control the world--and would deserve to. Too bad Noxus is currently drowning in paperwork and politicians. Any better citizen would just fight his way to the top, as is proper.
Issun: I see. Well, thanks for letting me interview you.
Darius: Whatever. Just watch your head; (ominously) I just might hack it off as you leave.


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Edasich

Senior Member

05-24-2012

Galio

Issun: Oh, hello, Galio.
Galio: (somewhat uninterested) Proceed with your interview, summoner Issun Miyamo.
Issun: (a bit taken aback) Wait. How long have you known about this?
Galio: Ever since the day you began this project, I have watched you intently. I must say that I am impressed with the attention to detail you and your accomplices have employed.
Issun: Oh, thank you... I guess...
Galio: Yes, you are welcome. Now, proceed as you will; I have plenty of time to spare.
Issun: Okay. To start, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Galio: Your architecture is most elaborate and intricate. It harkens back to the days of Durand's life.
Issun: Really?
Galio: There were few architects back then who could master this level of craftsmanship and ingenuity and fewer who can do so now. It brightens my soul to know that such architects still live.
Issun: Okay. What do you dislike about the League?
Galio: The...how should I say "fatuous" outfits I sometimes wear. I am particularly reviled by the recently released Gatekeeper costume, partially due to the lines that accompany it.
Issun: Oh, geez. That's harsh.
Galio: Indeed. But I am bound by the rules of the League of Legends. Rules that cannot be broken.
Issun: Okay. Do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Galio: That is a question I put off long ago, when Durand perished at the hands of Noxian assassins. I now stay here out of my own free will.
Issun: Good answer. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Galio: Why, perching myself atop high places and gazing at the crowds below, of course. It amazes one to see what others do not in plain sight.
Issun: Such as?
Galio: I once witnessed a man skewer a coffin with several swords and spears before a massive audience, though I saw that his subject was whisked away to a secret compartment beneath the coffin until the performance ended.
Issun: It's called stage magic; it tends to work that way.
Galio: I see.
Issun: Moving on, what's your favorite food?
Galio: Stone.
Issun: Stone?
Galio: How else do you think I can turn my skin into such?
Issun: Oh. Well, what about a color, then?
Galio: Emerald.
Issun: Okay. Have you met anyone in the League who particularly interests you?
Galio: Yes. Apart from the yordle girl named Poppy, the self-proclaimed Shard of the Monolith, Malphite, piques my interest. I see in his eyes that he suffers as I have; the loss of one held dear and an eternity of penance for it. In his case, a monolith family.
Issun: Really?
Galio: Indeed. He seems...lost, for lack of better vernacular.
Issun: Oh. Well, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Galio: I say here as long as I wish, or until I am no longer needed. Whichever end comes first.
Issun: Good answer.
Galio: Thank you for speaking with me, summoner. Now, farewell. [flies away and perches himself atop a nearby roof]


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Farnbil

Senior Member

05-24-2012

As Zeppelins become more and more widespread across Valoran, ordinary people across every city state are waiting for their chance to experience flight. Piltover and Zaun are the two leaders in airship design, and compete fervently against each other as their rivalry continues. Now both parties are on a race to achieve the next milestone in airship innovation: air conditioning. League Champion and Piltover elementalist Janna joins us today to talk about this radical step forward.

Journal: Thank you for your time.

Janna: I'm honored.

Journal: How excited are you about air conditioning on airships?

Janna: I am wary of the potential for terrible misuse. That's the very nature of science, especially with this new advancement. Someone reinvents air conditioning, another invents heated cup holders that melt through your cup. Diabolical don't you think?

Journal: A tragedy of mankind.

Janna: The very thought unsettles me.

Journal: I'm sure these fears won't amount to anything. How are you faring as a champion?

Janna: The winds are calm here, no sign of change or quarrel. Such serenity could mark the proverbial calm before the storm. Right now, I feel that being a champion is more mundane than ever before.

Journal: So you wouldn't mind if we switch subjects and move on to your private life?

Janna: What was said and done is behind us now. I am doing well by myself. I keep a close eye on friends in both Piltover and Zaun, and there is some of fun in being called by a young gentleman every now and then.

Journal: What became of Bob Nashahago after your match through Blitzcrank's Fleshling Compatibility Service?

Janna: When Bob nearly got mauled I was about as distressed as anyone else would be. But thankfully we subdued Nidalee and assured her that me and Bob weren't dating, and the fiasco ended fairly quickly as you may recall.

Journal: There have been many inquiries about your wardrobe lately. Do you ever plan on wearing something less revealing?

Janna: Flying is a very careful balancing act. If I wore something like a robe, I wouldn't be able to get off the ground. And it's not like anyone is complaining, though it does get a bit chilly at times.

Journal: You say things are getting stale in the League. Do you have any plans for the future?

Janna: Not really. I'm sure that something interesting will happen. The wind can't be still forever. So for now I keep my watch up towards the sky.

Journal: Again, thank you for your time.

Janna: My pleasure.


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Edasich

Senior Member

06-06-2012

Blitzcrank

Issun: So...you're Blitzcrank, I presume?
Blitzcrank: Affirmative. State your purpose.
Issun: I'm just here for an interview. It shouldn't take long.
Blitzcrank: Prepared to participate nonetheless. Proceed with your interview.
Issun: Okay. To start, what do you like about the League of Legends?
Blitzcrank: The myriad fleshlings that populate it intrigue me greatly. Most that are not human are not part of native species of Zaun. Examples include League champions Ahri, Alistair, Nunu, and Skarner.
Issun: Yes, I'm quite aware of that.
Blitzcrank: Sensors indicate likewise.
Issun: (somewhat unnerved) Okay...uh, moving on, what do you dislike about the League?
Blitzcrank: Some champions I once knew continue to bother me about my affiliations. They don't need to know much more than that I stay here on my own terms. Examples include League champions Caitlyn, Singed, and Dr. Mundo.
Issun: And let me guess. They don't trust you for one reason or another?
Blitzcrank: Precisely.
Issun: I see. Do you miss anyone in your homeland?
Blitzcrank: Negative. Despite support from the public, there was no place I could [makes air quotes] "fit in" within Zauntine society.
Issun: I kind of wonder what the citizens of Piltover might think of you. Have you ever considered talking to them?
Blitzcrank: Affirmative, but I haven't done so yet.
Issun: Okay. Now, being a golem, I'm guessing you don't need to eat, right?
Blitzcrank: "Food" is defined as a substance consumed to physically nourish the consumer. By that definition, I require a steady diet of combustible materials.
Issun: Combustible materials?
Blitzcrank: Affirmative. Examples include coal, wood, and assorted garbage.
Issun: Interesting. What's your favorite color?
Blitzcrank: ...Hot rod red, hence my "Piltover Customs" alternative costume.
Issun: Okay. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Blitzcrank: Among other things, construction work, waste reclamation, mechanical maintenance, and organization of legal documents.
Issun: So, basically, your primary functions?
Blitzcrank: Not exactly. Only the second such stated activity was my primary function.
Issun: Oh. Well, moving on, who have you met in the League who particularly interests you?
Blitzcrank: League champion Rammus; his early use of Blitzcrank's Fleshling Compatibility Services matched him in a relationship with a cactus. Even to this day, this match continues. Odds of such a match stem from 50% likelihood of user error, 30% likelihood of mechanical defect, and 20% likelihood of programming error.
Issun: Have you ever tried to fix that?
Blitzcrank: Affirmative.
Issun: (self-reflecting) Huh...? Well, at any rate, to finish this interview, how long do you plan to stay in the League?
Blitzcrank: How long do you plan to stay?
Issun: (confused) ...?
Blitzcrank: I answered that question 12 questions ago. I recommend that you answer it yourself as well.
Issun: I'll have to think about that. Thanks for letting me interview you.
Blitzcrank: You're welcome.