Should Jaykoboy put more...Adult Material...into this Fanfic?

Yes, totally. It certainly would add spice to his and Riven's relationship. 32 74.42%
No. I'm a purist, and I certainly don't want Riven snuggling with that upstart. 11 25.58%
Voters: 43. You may not vote on this poll

[Jaykoboy Fanfic] Champions in Real Life

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Magister Gir

Senior Member

12-29-2011

so let me get this straight *ahem begins to mimic Jaykoboy's voice poorly* -so like I failed totally with this story I'm going to ignore all the people trying to help me and give me tips so I can write better and then give the excuse of like I'm the flipping writer I do what I want sc.rew the mass of readers-. am i close or dead on here?


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

12-29-2011

Dead on. Cya!


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Magister Gir

Senior Member

12-29-2011

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaykoboy View Post
Dead on. Cya!
your book if you even have one is going to fail horribly if you expect people to actually read it


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Okay, I'll participate. I get that my writing in this was horrid. I usually try a bit harder. But...IRL things don't work very well for me. My normal fiction pieces tend to get about 20,000+ views.

I AM taking your help into consideration. It'll be really great in my future writing endeavors. It's just that, since I botched up the first few chapters so bad, I really didn't feel like it was worth it to continue this story.


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belthazor3457

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaykoboy View Post
I...I didn't post anything on that one. As soon as Belth came on and said 'I didn't give him permission to use my name,' I knew this thread was going to die. So, I left it.
I wasn't mad at you or anything. It's just better to put something in the introduction to let people know where the post came from. Since you hadn't asked me first, a line along the lines of "I hadn't asked Belthazor, so I'll take it out if he asks" would've let people know where the post came from. For the record, if that were present there, I wouldn't have bothered bringing it up.

When you don't have that, people will usually assume one of the following:

A) the post was worked on by two people, and the credit isn't actually yours

B) you didn't get permission and were trying to steal some sort of idea

Neither of these were true, but people will still assume them to be true because of how often that happens when there's a lack of other information present. Remember what I mentioned earlier about having a proper, detailed introduction to keep people reading? You don't need to kill your thread every time someone complains, but sometimes it is appropriate to look things over and edit the post.


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Jaykoboy

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Heh. Whoops. Sorry, I thought your response was phrased in an indignant manner, but it was really just saying 'I didn't give him official permission.' Whoops.


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Echoing

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Since I already revealed my presence on this forum, let me just say that your script format is horrendous, a crutch for tween and teenage amateur fanfic writers that don't know any better (and even then, I got out of script format by 13, so I don't know what their excuse is). It's awful to read and does a horrible job of describing the situation due to its nature. Instead of...

Quote:
Jayko: *stands on rock* Ouch.
...you want...

Quote:
Jayko stood on the rock and said "Ouch."
The difference between the two styles isn't very apparent now, but consider the difference in this example. Compare...

Quote:
Graves: *blows up door, walks in* Did someone mention my name?
...to...

Quote:
Upon the mention of Graves, the door to the hallway suddenly exploded, forcing Jayko and Riven to duck for cover as shrapnel flew everywhere. As the smoke settled, it became obvious to everyone who had done such a thing, as Jayko regretted talking about him. "Did someone mention my name?" Graves chuckled.
See the shortcomings of script format now? The former example is rather dull - because of its limitations, you are forced to describe only one character's actions at a time, and have no real control over the environment. The latter example illustrates what, exactly, happened as a result, in a far more exciting manner.

By the way, anyone who tells you "Cool story bro!" and nothing else should be ignored. In any fan creation forum, here and elsewhere, you'll have no shortage of the easily-impressed mindless sheep. They are not a means to judge your success. Focus instead on the people that actually bother to type a few more sentences.

It's entirely possible to pull off a self-insert, but you're falling into the trap of making your self-insert flawless, something that's particularly aggravating when everyone else is incompetent in comparison and the entire story amounts to wish fulfillment. "But he's got flaws!" They're not very good flaws, considering he's so magically sexy that Riven falls instantly in love with him.

Actually that brings up another point. Just what the heck kind of relationship did you have to write Riven in such a way? You took a determined Noxian idealist who defected from her former country in an attempt to change it back to the ideals it should have, and mutated her into the most disgusting ***-obsessed teenager possible. I don't want to know what happened between you or your ex, but I'm going to hazard a guess and say that she didn't try to sleep with you on the very first day of meeting you. Or the second. Or the third. Or...you get the idea. In fact, most girls without some sort of mental disorder or deeply disturbed personality will avoid such an outcome. Believe me on this.

If you're just going to write your friends into the story, do so. Don't disguise them as champions, though. Graves is currently my favorite champion to use, having won three ranked games in a row with him somewhat recently, so it personally aggravates me that you're writing him so poorly.

At this point, it'd be pretty hard to salvage the story, I will admit. It's not much about "Champions in Real Life" any more (although this implies it was to begin with). You could just start over with all of this in mind.

Or you can idle a bit and wait for me to stop being lazy, and I, inspired by your failure at handling an interesting concept, will three-up you with my own story. Your call.


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Magister Gir

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Quote:
Originally Posted by Echoing View Post
Since I already revealed my presence on this forum, let me just say that your script format is horrendous, a crutch for tween and teenage amateur fanfic writers that don't know any better (and even then, I got out of script format by 13, so I don't know what their excuse is). It's awful to read and does a horrible job of describing the situation due to its nature. Instead of...



...you want...



The difference between the two styles isn't very apparent now, but consider the difference in this example. Compare...



...to...



See the shortcomings of script format now? The former example is rather dull - because of its limitations, you are forced to describe only one character's actions at a time, and have no real control over the environment. The latter example illustrates what, exactly, happened as a result, in a far more exciting manner.

By the way, anyone who tells you "Cool story bro!" and nothing else should be ignored. In any fan creation forum, here and elsewhere, you'll have no shortage of the easily-impressed mindless sheep. They are not a means to judge your success. Focus instead on the people that actually bother to type a few more sentences.

It's entirely possible to pull off a self-insert, but you're falling into the trap of making your self-insert flawless, something that's particularly aggravating when everyone else is incompetent in comparison and the entire story amounts to wish fulfillment. "But he's got flaws!" They're not very good flaws, considering he's so magically sexy that Riven falls instantly in love with him.

Actually that brings up another point. Just what the heck kind of relationship did you have to write Riven in such a way? You took a determined Noxian idealist who defected from her former country in an attempt to change it back to the ideals it should have, and mutated her into the most disgusting ***-obsessed teenager possible. I don't want to know what happened between you or your ex, but I'm going to hazard a guess and say that she didn't try to sleep with you on the very first day of meeting you. Or the second. Or the third. Or...you get the idea. In fact, most girls without some sort of mental disorder or deeply disturbed personality will avoid such an outcome. Believe me on this.

If you're just going to write your friends into the story, do so. Don't disguise them as champions, though. Graves is currently my favorite champion to use, having won three ranked games in a row with him somewhat recently, so it personally aggravates me that you're writing him so poorly.

At this point, it'd be pretty hard to salvage the story, I will admit. It's not much about "Champions in Real Life" any more (although this implies it was to begin with). You could just start over with all of this in mind.

Or you can idle a bit and wait for me to stop being lazy, and I, inspired by your failure at handling an interesting concept, will three-up you with my own story. Your call.
I DEMAND A STORY FROM YOU!!!! I must read it *shakes fists motivationally and yet with a hint of anger almost threateningly*..... pwetty pwease *gives the cutest and yet dumbest and silliest looking puppy dog eye's she could give*


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belthazor3457

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeneralisimoMeow View Post
In your fanfic, you impress Riven early-on with godlike summoner powers and she is inexplicably attracted to you. In belthazor's, he has no powers at all. most people who do author inserts give themselves at minimum some basic summoner abilities and he has nothing, he is as defenseless as a cat toy around the powerful champions. in any good author insert story you need some humility.

2. I read his prologue and his post was clearly to make a sociological point, and is probably one of the reasons he made himself defenseless and why he selected some of the more evil looking characters to be in the story i am guessing. why did you post yours? also he made the characters believeable, i read the whole thread and never once felt like the characters didn't behave in a way i would expect them to behave (i may not be high level, i had a long span of time deciding between lol and hon and during this i got familiar with the lore and forum reading) but in his i never thought morgana did not act like morgana, but in your fic you took the brains of your friends and put them in the bodies of champions. that's not writing a fanfic, that is posting stuff from your day and changing the names around.

3. like Magister said, you made riven a horny teen, so far you're the first and only person in the story to get a chick. belthazors was more humble, he was the very last. comparing the two makes you look like you have a massive ego.
With your flattery you have now jinxed me. Every time I update that thread from now on, I will have dozens of overly-critical yordle-mustached authors from oxford criticize and disect my posts, and in struggling to maintain status quo, all my works from now on are condemned to be horrible and make people's eyes bleed more than Duke Nukem Forever. It is only a matter of time before I am chased out of the lore forum by torch and pitch-fork. I guess I'll go be killing myself now.

Thanks alot.


Quote:
I AM taking your help into consideration. It'll be really great in my future writing endeavors. It's just that, since I botched up the first few chapters so bad, I really didn't feel like it was worth it to continue this story.
If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing right.

- President John Henry Eden


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Magister Gir

Senior Member

12-30-2011

Quote:
Originally Posted by belthazor3457 View Post
With your flattery you have now jinxed me. Every time I update that thread from now on, I will have dozens of overly-critical yordle-mustached authors from oxford criticize and disect my posts, and in struggling to maintain status quo, all my works from now on are condemned to be horrible and make people's eyes bleed more than Duke Nukem Forever. It is only a matter of time before I am chased out of the lore forum by torch and pitch-fork. I guess I'll go be killing myself now.

Thanks alot.




If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing right.

- President John Henry Eden
heh no worries..... I won't be a part of that crowd