[Champion Concept ver. 2.0] Shia, The Void's Timid Doppel

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Moby the White

Senior Member

12-19-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by blackkat101 View Post
There is a place between worlds. Some refer to it as The Outside or just The Unknown. While the Void is known by many different names, there is one thing that all the stories have in common, the horrors that can be found within. Things that can corrupt the hearts and minds of men. Powers that can tear apart the very soul. (I love this new intro it validates everything I've said in another lore)

As soon as Shia was born within the Void, she fell through a rift, (comma usage iffy) tumbling onto the surface of Runeterra. Having fallen so soon after coming into existence, Shia's soul had yet to be twisted by the Void. She wandered across Valoren, eventually settling in a quiet forest. Shia found that she enjoyed moonlit nights, and often wandered into the fields nearby when the moon was exceptionally bright. She sat perched on a stone one such night, contentedly watching the full moon, when suddenly she heard a voice from behind. Startled, she fell off her seat and quickly scrambled to the opposite side of the stone. Peering around the stone’s edge, she saw a small girl smiling. Confused, Shia retreated to her forest. Shia returned to the field on the next full moon, only to find the girl sitting on her stone. Upon hearing footsteps, the girl quickly turned her head. With a smile, the girl waved for Shia to come to her. Not sensing any hostility, Shia cautiously approached. The girl spoke of herself and her town. (combine and rewrite) Shia soon found herself sitting near the girl, listening raptly. The girl told Shia that she liked to wander into the fields as there were no other children in her town. As the moon began to set, the girl got tired and headed home. Shia was relieved that nothing terrible had happened, decided to put the incident behind her and continued her moon viewing.

The moon was at its brightest the next few days. The girl happily awaited Shia at the stone. (combine and rewrite) They spent their time gazing at the moon or chasing the fireflies that littered the field like stars. When the moon waned, the girl ceased to visit. To Shia’s relief, she returned when the moon waxed. The girl taught Shia some lullabies in-between stories of the village. Shia grew accustomed to the girl’s company and eagerly awaited the next time she could see her.

One night, they sat so long the girl fell asleep. Shia worried about leaving the girl alone and decided to carry her home. Shia saw a nervous couple on the town’s outskirts. Having known but one human who treated her kindly, Shia approached them without fear, hoping that they knew where the girl lived. She was met with a different response. They were actually the girl’s parents. On seeing Shia, they yelled for help and villagers poured out of their houses brandishing various farming tools. Shia dropped the girl and ran for her life. She ran into her forest, further and deeper than she had ever gone before. (combine these sentences) Scared and confused, Shia wondered what she had done to elicit the town’s people’s animosity. She only wanted to return her friend home. In the heart of the forest, Shia came across a small lake. Out of breath, she stopped running and quenched her thirst. The air and the lake were still. As she reached out with her hands to scoop up some water, (she has already quenched her thirst) she saw herself for the first time.

Her eyes widened as she saw a stark difference between what she saw looking at the girl versus herself on the mirrored surface. While Shia had the shape of a young girl, her body seemed to be a mass of shadows and energy. She had never thought about it before, but now realized that she was inhuman (rewrite). Still, Shia longed to see her friend again, but never again did the girl appear. With the heavy heart of losing her only friend, Shia cried herself to sleep that night and her feelings brought forth a surge of power. There was a beautiful maiden before her when she woke. Tall, elegant, and in a white dress, she was everything Shia was not. Bewildered, she raised her hand toward the stranger and the stranger responded in kind. As their hands touched, she realized that the woman was not human, but herself… born from within her.

Shia was able to create a doppelganger in the form of a beautiful human woman. Armed with a new way to interact with people, she set off to find another town. She discovered one on the other side of the forest, hid herself in the shadows, and brought forth her doppel. She was delighted to find that people’s reactions to her were favorable. Men seemed to be captivated by her charm and women reacted warmly to her. Shia lived through her doppel for many years. As herself, she was shy and afraid of how people would treat her if they knew what she really was, but as her doppel, she had confidence and a vibrant personality that attracted all those around. The longer this went on, the more embarrassed she was (became) of her true self and wished that her doppel was her only self.

As Shia grew more comfortable in her new home, she learned social etiquette and dance. The townsfolk enjoyed Shia’s company, allowing her to organize a monthly dance and moon-gazing party. At one of these dances, the town came under a Noxian attack. Most of the townsfolk knew not how to fight. (technically correct but doesn't sound right) Not wanting to lose her home or her friends, Shia rushed off to defend the town. The Noxian invasion force was small as (small, as) they did not expect resistance from a minor town with no allies. She pulled two rune covered swords from the shadows and dispatched them with ease. (very anti-climatic)

Whether it was coincidence or fate, Kassadin, the Void Walker, was in the area. It may have been the way Shia fought with inhuman strength, or the power of the Void that Kassadin instinctively felt in her, he approached Shia (maybe try felt in her that caused him to approach Shia). With full intent to terminate the voidborn, Kassadin raised his blade. To his surprise, Shia let out a stifled shriek and returned her doppel. What was left in front of Kassadin was not the danger he had thought. Instead a small, frightened child, who while clearly wasn’t human, had dropped her weapons and stood in front of him. Kassadin, looking around took note that Shia was not attacking the town, but defending it and decided to stay his blade until he had heard her story.

Over the course of the night and well into the next day, Shia relayed her story to Kassadin. While he was still wary of voidborn, he could not sense any form of danger coming from Shia. Kassadin became interested in how a voidborn could be free of the Void’s sway and noted Shia’s desire to become human. Kassadin asked her to join the League and help him fight against the Void. There he would not only gain an ally, but may glean how Shia’s mind naturally kept the Void’s influence over her at bay. As an incentive, Kassadin mentioned that while Shia was guarding her home, they could look together for a way for her to become human.

Shia joined Kassadin in the League to fight the unknown horrors of the Void, in hopes of one day becoming a human and protecting her small town.



[/I]
Lore PQWER review of new lore

After reading through this I discovered it needs revised in some areas most of which I highlighted for you in bold and also gave you a reason for a change. Some of your sentences could be rewritten so that they are a compound sentence. Due to the nature of the following sentence in these instances essentially saying almost the same information but slightly more. I felt you could improve in other areas by not having your sentences fall off with instances such as "and then he died" scenarios. These are blunt, bland, but most of all boring. You really lost your climax during the major battle scene, I was really excited as I read it the first time, but then you let me down. I underlined every time you started a sentence with Shia. I wanted you to get the idea that having "I" sentences are not appropriate every line, and neither are "Shia" sentences. You have improved your lore since I last read it, no longer is this a major occurence so I am proud of that. Where you really caught my interest was your intro, and I applaud you for that. You managed to intrigue the reader by describing something quite unknown to lol players at the present time.

Overall I noted major improvement and based on the new rating system I would have to decrease your previous score. Clarity 3/5 Needs revised, and could stand for some improvement sentence wise. Theme 5/5 well established and much better. Motivation 5/5 I felt that the way you introduced Kassadin was a nice touch, I felt this bared similar to how he would normally behave and that his solution was a nice entry for her into the league. Mood/Tone 4/5 I felt that your ability to capture my attention was great; however, you let me down with anticlimatic scenes. Your approach to telling the story created a dark sad tale about a lonely girl. I like this version much better, and will like it even further after it has been revised. Originality 5/5 I think you have created a really unique storyline here. It is not too often you read about dopplegangers, and thanks to your champion I just right now remembered that I had always wanted to make Dr. Jekyll into a champion.

Lore PQWER: 22/25


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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-19-2012

Thank you very much Moby. This was very detailed and I shall use it as reference as I continue further to improve Shia's Lore.

On the Noxian attack on the town, yes, it sadly became a bit anti-climactic. I actually had a bit more in an earlier revision, but left it out as the story was already so long (that and it needed a bit of work). I shall see what I can do to build a greater climax.

This will give me something to do, as I finished my last final for the semester yesterday.

Thank you again Moby and I hope you'll look over Shia's Lore again next time.


- Kat



P.S. Also, was wondering what you thought to the change in Shia's Main Body's Q: Stay Away! from the last time you saw it (if you cannot remember what the older version was, it is in the PDF's).


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Moby the White

Senior Member

12-19-2012

well I was going to do a full review but my hand started cramping again...sorry
when it stops I will finish it and tell you :P so you will just have to wait and see...

on a side note I would gladly be willing to structure a revision of your lore that sticks very closely to the original. I might even be able to trim it a bit. This also will have to wait...


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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-20-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moby the White View Post
well I was going to do a full review but my hand started cramping again...sorry
when it stops I will finish it and tell you :P so you will just have to wait and see...
I shall wait =^.^= Hope your hand feels better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moby the White View Post
on a side note I would gladly be willing to structure a revision of your lore that sticks very closely to the original. I might even be able to trim it a bit. This also will have to wait...
Would you really? That would be wondrous. Pop me a friend request in League and I can give you my e-mail (prefer not to leave it on the forums). Then I can just email you the Lore if you're still willing. In the mean time, I'll see what I can do to start addressing some of the issues you pointed out.


- Kat


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Dzanio

Senior Member

12-20-2012

o.O You weren’t kidding.

Passive is pretty unique, I’m going to have to read through everything before commenting on it.

General Comment: I would like it if the Doppel set of abilities were designed create synergy between Shia and her companion, i.e. letting her do things like blink back to his position at the end of Waltz in the Light by reactivating her q; adding options where her doppel will automatically focus champions she targets/that are afflicted by certain abilities. Having aspects of the abilities perform something for shia that the doppel can follow up on, or having the doppel perform actions (like tanking) which highly benefit shia, so she can reposition herself. I would probably not spawn the Doppel at max health if it were self deactivated – this has the potential to be really op; I’d make it the higher of 50% of shia’s current health, or the health it was at before deactivation.

Q: This is a nice escape mechanism; The AOE is pretty huge, as is the duration of the slow at later ranks—I might change the duration mechanic to be the inverse of a name ult, slowing enemies near her more than/longer than those farther away. Since this is an escape device, I would also slightly decrease the travel speed; it currently has a move speed of 1000, I’d make it have a move speed closer to ~650-800 (reference; 1.5 seconds to reach max range is 666 ms). I feel that would be a bit more in keeping with her timid theme. I would also suggest increasing the scaling on the slow %, keep in mind that her passive reduces the effectiveness of the scaling by .5-.8; alternatively I would simply increase the base value significantly and make the full effect of the slow range dependent, as discussed above.

Dopple Q: I think this is probably a good balance between difficulty of use, and utility. It should be difficult to make clutch invulns nullify burst damage/cc, but a skilled player should also be able to benefit from it. The most logical reference ability I can think of for this is Fizz’s Playful/Trickster which at max ranks makes him untargetable for .75 seconds once every 8 seconds (before CDR), and I think the invuln duration is a little long compared to it; I’d be looking at something closer to .3 seconds per use. I do think the damage needs to be increased however, currently looking at an AP scaling of .62 to .72 (scaling on the passive). She scales off of pen better than she does off of AP since it’s useful in both forms; I would prefer to see this do magic damage so she can benefit from items like sorc shoes/Liandry’s/abyssal; currently seems more balanced towards season 2 build guidelines, and I think it’s underpowered even for that. I would increase the base damage to somewhere around 130-150 at max ranks (I see her more as an AP bruiser more than a carry (so far), and they are very dependent upon base damage and mr pen). I would also let this function as an auto attack reset applying things like her base physical damage, and on hit effects. This assumes you want her to be an AP type champ.

W: The description you’re looking for is Terrify, not fear (works like hec ult, not fiddle’s.. w?). Someone else I was reviewing recently must have read this ability; Oculus (forget the rest of the title) has a similar wall. To clarify, enemies lose vision of the entire map when walking through the wall (i.e. Graves’s smokescreen)? This seems appropriate.

Dopple W: Again I don’t like physical damage which scales solely off AP simply because the shop is not set up to deal with it; the sunder mechanism should persist for more than one attack regardless; 2-3ish seconds. Would be nice if you had some abilities which buff your team in your doppel form.

E: I don’t think the AOE on the active is appropriate for a shy person; I’d make this a short
duration invis personally. Would Shia heartlessly abandon her doppel (it doesn’t benefit from the movespeed—I realize it blinks back to her when it reaches the tether range, but for character development, is the ability appropriate?)? Values are low for season 3.

Doppel E: OP o.O; this is an ultimate, except it’s on the wrong button. Look at annie’s Molten shield for an example; it’s not a Kayle ult for Shia + ali ult for Doppel + super thornmail for both + Olaf ult; some resistances are appropriate, maybe make the dopple take the damage that would have been directed at shia; small base damage, and reasonable AP scaling appropriate. More useful if it’s a utility ability of moderate to long duration which lessens the likelyhood of the enemy team focusing shia, so they’ll go for other, squishier targets instead. I would get rid of “ignores cc” and go for a % tenacity buff.

R: Repeat comments as before concerning Physical damage and AP. Some comments in the general comments section.

More General comments: I really should started by reading the ult description before writing that; I’m sure there are a bunch of inconsistencies throughout this review as I got a better feel for how the champ worked -.-

I don’t personaly like the Shia useless while doppel is out mechanism; I think it would be more fun (and a better mechanism) to be able to actually control both Shia and her doppel, pretty much all the time, and then have her escape kit for when/if the doppel actually dies. Of course if you implemented this suggestion the entire champ would have to be rebalanced. As it is Shia is too safe while the doppel is out, so the ult mechanic is somewhat overpowered.


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blackkat101

Senior Member

12-24-2012

Dzanio, sorry, not had a chance to respond yet to your review. Been having monitor problems so temp using another computer. Will give a proper response after x-mas (as I should finally have some time off work...), but thank you for writing a review for now.

All the time I have, have to work in 7 hours, so sleep now...
- Kat


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Katsuni

Senior Member

12-24-2012

The new lore, I just read over (was it updated again? It seems even longer now XD ) was pretty goodish =3

It's a fair bit longer than is probably a goodish idea, but overall it does tell a nice description of her history and reasoning for whot she does. It's a little bit clunky in a few areas, but nothing too bad and it's mostly just from stretching the story out a little longer. Perhaps almost "too much" description =P

Honestly, my main suggestion for the lore, right now, would be to go back and see which parts are describing information that isn't particularly relevant to the story. Consider, in particular, her meeting with Kassadin and her meeting with the girl in the forest, both of these dragged on a little longer than necessary to capture the intended emotion, and risk actually losing part of it due to drawing it out longer than it's welcome.

Mostly yeu just want to ensure that the following occurs in yeur story, in the order yeu have it:

1: Creation
2: Avoidance of corruption
3: Curiousity of surroundings
4: Fear of interaction
5: Gradual enjoyment of company / friendship
6: Attempt to return favour / caught and fear of interaction again
7: Discovery of self
8: Discovery of ability to hide true self
9: Use knowledge from discovery to regain company
10: Uses powers to defend her home and is "caught"
11: Explains herself
12: Offered a way to progress

Each of these main points exist intentionally, and I don't think it'd be a good idea to sacrifice any of them. However, I would suggest looking at each aspect of the story and carefully thinking about whether each section dwells on any particular part for too long. Generally 1-2 sentences at most should be enough for each. If anything lingers on a bit longer, you might want to think about ways to condense such to keep each point being nailed with a steady rhythm. The idea, here, is to keep the story moving along at a consistent pacing; each major point should take roughly a similar timeframe, and it's only when a number of important points coincide together in a complex fashion that they can be treated to extra time to weave them together into something coherent.

Note, as well, that the pacing also involves several other major aspects, one of the largest being the rise and fall of tension; build up tension, then release it. Build and release. Build the tension of meeting the girl, release as they become friends. Build tension by returning her home, release as she becomes accepted. Build as the battle occurs, climax as she's caught by Kassadin, release with resolution.

Yeu've kind of got that already going for yeu, but I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, so figured I'd mention it to make sure yeu didn't ruin it by accident =3


EDIT: Oh, and I'll be reviewing the abilities ASAP =3 Not this second, due to christmassy stuffs going on, but probably within the next day or two, probably before christmas is over! ^.^


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Dzanio

Senior Member

12-24-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by blackkat101 View Post
Dzanio, sorry, not had a chance to respond yet to your review. Been having monitor problems so temp using another computer. Will give a proper response after x-mas (as I should finally have some time off work...), but thank you for writing a review for now.

All the time I have, have to work in 7 hours, so sleep now...
- Kat
It's fine . The review has a few issues in that some (most) suggestions/comments were made before I got to the part about how the doppel worked, and most of the comments after that are basically "neat concept, but would have been more interesting if..". Most of the second line of comments would require extensive revisions I don't see happening w/ a champ this far into development. I think some of the comments around balancing/lore interactions are still applicable though.


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Katsuni

Senior Member

12-25-2012

Erm. Quick update. There may be a delay on that review due to an unfortunate acquisition of Guild Wars 2. *cough*

I can quit any time I want to. I just... don't... want to... that's the ticket >.>;;


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Icraig33

Senior Member

12-27-2012

Aight, here is my review of your champion, take what you wish of it!

Innate:
- I'm personally not a fan of Innates with trade-off mechanics like this. I've always found that an innate should always be fully beneficial to the champion. You can go ahead and disregard this if you want, but I would personally change the innate to something that's more reliably benefitial.

Qa:
- Well, it's definitely unique! I like the idea of a slow that scales with AP. But, at the same time, if you are going to make the power of the slow scale, I'd recommend lowering a lot of the numbers on it. If you build this champion full mage, 600 AP (or a 66% slow) + 4s duration + AoE cone with a length of 1000 units = a lot more frustration than other slows in this game. Other slows are tolerable most of the time because of the short duration they have.
- Now, you could argue that a spell like Zilean's Time Warp is more annoying than this ability, due to it lasting a whopping 5.5s at max rank. But the thing about that Time Warp is that it has a flat 55% (yours has the capability to slow for a much higher amount), it's a single target spell compared to your cone AoE, the range on Zilean is shorter, it runs on a shorter cooldown and it costs less mana. I guess then you can argue that it can also be used to hasten allies for that same duration, but still.
- I would personally lower the size of the cone to 600, followed by two options: Lower the duration of the slow to 3s at max rank, or up the mana cost so that the final rank has 3 digits to it and increase the cooldown to 15s. That way, it's less frustrating to fight against, and/or it's less spammable + more punishing when used improperly.

Qb:
- I can see this being annoying, but It seems relatively balanced under control. I Don't like the AP-scaling physical damage though. Since the Dopple seems to be a form of conjuration, which implies that the nature of the Dopple is Magical, wouldn't it technically make more sense for the nature of the damage to be magical as well? Yeah sure, she hits stuff with a sword, but that sword isn't a real sword, it's made out of magical void energy! I simply don't find your argument on why the damage is physical to be a reasonable reason (that was weirdly worded O__-). Idk, I'm just the kind of guy that doesn't like magic damage scaling from AP and vice-versa. Besides, it limits your damage potential because now, the tank can simply build to counter your teams ADC and will shut you down in the process.
- I would personally just change the damage type to magical.

Wa:
- I like it and don't have a whole lot of complaints about it. But that doesn't I don't have any complaints at all >:O. I personally think that the flee on this, when coupled with the massive slowing potential on Qa, could make for some really unfun gameplay for the enemy. Aside from that, I only have one question: How much vision does the veil block exactly? Like say the champion is on the blue team and places it vertically in the middle of top lane on the purple side, and an enemy champion from purple team is looking at it from the left side. Would it block vision all throughout the lane stretching to the fountain? Would the blocked vision only stretch out 1000 units ahead? Your diagram, while it does neatly explain how the vision blocking works, doesn't explain exactly how much vision it blocks, or at least, it doesn't explain it adequately enough.

Wb:
- more physical damage scaling on AP? Aight... Refer to Qb on why I dislike it. I would personally change the damage type to magical and make it penetrate MR instead of Armor.

Ea:
- No complaints about this one. I'm iffy on it being purely passive, but it seems reasonably balanced. moving on!

Eb:
- 50% damage reflection? that is way too much imo. Think about thornmail and how powerful the 30% damage reflection on it is. Not only is the AA damage reflection on this ability stronger, but it also reflects ability damage for the same amount! This is ultimate-style powerful!
- Personally, first off, I would make the cooldown 30s at all ranks (since the reflection early on isn't big enough to justify a 50s cooldown, while the % later on is just too darn strong period). Then, I would go one of three ways at 5th rank. I would either make it only reduce damage taken, without any damage reflection at all, keep the 50% AA damage reflection but remove the damage reduction and make spell damage 25% reflection or, if you really want to keep both the damage, make it reduce/reflect 25% AA damage and 13% spell damage.

R:
- While I really like the idea of summoning an alternate champion with another skillset, I don't like the idea of Shia still being able to live if the Doppel dies. If the doppel was nothing more than a Tibbers-style minion that could only auto-attack, I wouldn't mind too much, but here it's essentially a separate champion with it's own separate skillset. It's like literally having a 6th member on your team, because this champion has 2 lives pretty much. Other than that though, It's a pretty fun-looking idea.

So, overall, I think your champion has cool ideas, but needs a lot of number tweaking to fit those ideas

Also, this is something I don't usually do, but here I found that I had to address this: The way your concept is organized is, in my opinion, really overdone. Whenever I see an index at the top of a concept, I personally cringe a little inside. Thankfully i'm on college break, so I had all the time in the world to read this champ, but if I were not on a break, I'd probably ask you to tidy up the concept before reviewing it (since my college schedule tends to be pretty tight). I recommend that, when you get the chance to do so (cause it can take some time) you put the absolute most important bits of information, such as the abilities and the lore, in the first post (letting it spill into the second post if necessary), and putting all your extra thoughts/explanations underneath. This is just for the sake of simplicity and I apologize if I sounded rude throughout the review. I honestly don't mean to come off that way and am just trying to give the best feedback I can