Hidden Agendas: A Collaborative Fiction

First Riot Post
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VIOLAVOILA

Junior Member

07-05-2013

Crowdsourcing this would be... Marvelous. Needless to say, not accepting each and every entry. Screening them carefully, choosing a "winner" per chapter. Mediated by Marvelous and Morgageddon.

Perhaps a different project, as I'm well aware this is somewhat of a personal project put on public display as it's completed-- I'm not too keen on interjecting on something I'm not welcome in.


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Track Altitude

Senior Member

07-05-2013

This is getting interesting. Inb4 A Page 44 appears.

(You know the one.)


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Power Of Syndra

Senior Member

07-05-2013

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flytrap View Post
Your Syndra story... let's just leave it at that.
Don´t try to insinuate something. Just because it´s a Red who writes a story doesn´t mean you have to lick their boots. I am always open for criticm on my Story that is not just a simple "uh, it sucks".

And by the way...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riot Morgageddon View Post
Morgageddon peers in at his work...

You can laugh at his name all you like, however there is a deeper meaning behind why his name is Dirk, instead of Summoner 1220 or some other odd name.
I am laughting at this name because "Dirk" is a very common name in Germany. That would be like naming your Summoner "Sam" or "Daniel" or "Smith"... it just seemed funny to me that a Summoner is named so regular.

I wasn´t aware that dirk is also some kind of dagger.


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Riot Morgageddon

Player Support Tech Specialist

07-05-2013
4 of 22 Riot Posts

Morgageddon has another chapter ready!

Dirk sighed at the pair he had decided were ideal for the land defense of Bilgewater. One was dressed to draw attention, boisterously bright clothes fitting around a slender frame. The other carried dual guns and was known to all as Miss Fortune. He looked between the two, seeing how tense they both were in his presence.

“Either of you know a good place where we can discuss what I need you for? Privately?” Dirk asked quietly, looked back and forth along the streets. “I haven’t had time to set up a headquarter location here yet.”

“My home is very well known.” Sarah said haughtily. “Not that private if you don’t wish to be seen. Perhaps the Captain knows somewhere better.”

“If the door to my room at the inn where I had to quickly leave is repairable, it was in a very secluded location.” Marvelous said. “It’s the best I can offer now without retreating to some very disreputable bars, places no one would ever expect to see a Summoner. That’ll make you stand out even more than with that cloak all of you are so fond of wearing.”

“So, what’ll it be Summoner? And who are you?” Sarah asked as she moved closer to Dirk, trying to see the face under the hood.

“We’ll go to the Captain’s room. I’ll detail as much as I can there.” Dirk said, pointing to Marvelous. “Lead us there. Quickly, and in silence.” He gestured forward with his hand.
“You may want to consider swapping out of that robe before we go.” Marvelous hinted. “We can spot you’re important about a league away.”

“I need the city to know that there’s an Institute presence here, especially today.” Dirk replied. “I will change out of this once you’re informed as to what I need you for. Us traveling together will add precedence to what you will be doing.” Dirk again gestured along the alleyway.

“It’s your show.” Sarah said sarcastically as she pushed Marvelous to get him moving. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Dirk followed the two through the alleys and streets of Bilgewater, noticing how the inhabitants moved out of their way as he approached. While he had expected to be noticed, he hadn’t figured everyone would avoid completely. Life outside of the Institute was shocking to say the least, Dirk realized as they finally stopped in front of an inn.

“Come on, it’s upstairs.” Marvelous mounted the steps and led them to his room, where his door was still open, the doorjamb broken. “You sure can kick, Sarah.”

“Just be glad I didn’t kick your ass before he got here.” Sarah said as she took a moment to admire her handiwork. “The door should close, but anyone can see it’s damaged.”

“Not anyone.” Dirk said as he traced the doorjamb with a hand, his magic repairing the wood with a simple motion. “We’ll be safe in here.”

“Handy. This would make breaking and entering so much easier.” Sarah said as she closed the door behind Dirk. Then the three of them stood there, awkwardly, just looking among each other. “So, Summoner…”

“You may call me Dirk. Would you please sit?” He gestured at the bed as he pulled the chair to him, turned it around, and straddled it instead of sitting on it conventionally.

“Sure…” Marvelous sat down on the corner of his bed, hopefully far enough away from Sarah that he could leap through the window once more if he had to.

“So, the Institute teaches you to sit that way?” Sarah asked humorously. “It doesn't seem comfortable at all.”

“No, but it affords minor protection from bullets flying in my direction.” Dirk replied as he began to take off his cloak and remove his hood.

“And your back?” Marvelous asked.

“I also magically sealed the door as I fixed it.” Dirk yawned as he balled up his cloak and threw it onto the desk. “Now then…”

“Hold on. You’re a Summoner?” Sarah stared at Dirk. “Stand up.”

Dirk sighed as he stood up, now able to showcase his body. He was tall, lanky, and had very angular facial features which many would find attractive. His hair was a mess of brown and blonde, and his blue eyes set nicely along with his high cheekbones.

“They send a pretty boy out. I hope you can shoot, because it sure doesn't look like you can fight.” She frowned as she thought of something else. “Why did you pick me?”

“I picked the two of you because I needed a known champion to rally the inhabitants here because of their fame and infamy. Like it or not, between your beauty and fame, Miss Fortune, you are well known across Runeterra.”

“And what am I, chopped liver?” Marvelous asked.

“You are well known for your infamy.” Dirk said.

“Hey. Half what they said I did, I didn’t.” Marvelous replied stubbornly. "I do write, that's true."

“And the other half is worth our attention. Now, while Sarah here would love to collect the bounty on you, I am offering a greater reward to not turn him in and forget he has one until after we are done.” Dirk sat back down in the chair, staring at both of them.

“Done doing what?” Marvelous asked.

“Defending this city.” Dirk gestured at the wall and a small map of Bilgewater appeared. He used his ring as a pointer, shining a cone of light at the port city. “Sometime soon, one champion will lead an attack against Bilgewater. I suspect it’ll be within a few days though. I need you two to secretly and carefully align whatever forces or friends you have in Bilgewater and get them ready. You two should focus on the land forces and I’ll focus on the sea.”

“So. Let me get this straight.” Marvelous looked at the map of Bilgewater and started running numbers and friends through his mind, trying to see how many would help and how many would rather collect the bounty on his head. “You want us, me the man on several wanted lists, to defend Bilgewater when people would most likely think I am behind the attack? I don’t know how it works in the Institute, but when you have information of an incoming attack, you may want to spread it to the Mayor and the army, not us.”

“The Captain has a point.” Sarah chimed in. She pulled out her pistols and set them on the bed. “Granted, I bring a lot of firepower on my own, and the Captain at least runs well, but if we can’t get any other support then you’ll have to be useful beyond providing information and saying ‘get to it.’ What are you going to do to help?” Sarah asked, slowly twirling Shock around on the bed.

“Like most Summoners, I am not completely helpless.” Dirk said, fully expecting to have to prove his combat prowess. He wasn't disappointed when Sarah flipped her pistol up and fired a shot directly at his leg, where the chair back couldn't protect it. Both she and Marvelous were shocked to see the bullet ricochet off of his leg and bury into the floor. Only then did they see the thin black metal armor that had mysteriously appeared over his entire body. Where once he had been sitting on the chair completely at rest, he had pulled a dagger out and threw it, burying it to the hilt in the bed directly between Sarah’s legs.

Dirk sighed. “I can hit where I need to, and my sword and shield are far more effective than me throwing a dagger. Please do not question my combat prowess, as it is substantial and I can kill both of you if I need to. Just like me, you can die outside of the Institute and I’d prefer that we all live.” He blinked and the armor disappeared, as did his sword and shield, but he moved to pull the dagger out of the bed from between Sarah’s legs. “My apologies,” he said before the weapon vanished.

“Understandable, but now I know how you feel if someone threatens to shoot your balls off.” Sarah said smartly. “I just hope you have better aim when you want to, especially with a lady on a bed.”

“And you wonder why I called you that.” Marvelous muttered. “Can’t even turn it off when you nearly died. I’m surprised you didn't offer to go out drinking after this is over.”

“I may yet.” Sarah said in a sultry tone as she winked at Dirk. “If only to annoy you before I capture you again.”

“I guess you do like tying men up.” Marvelous said, and would have continued except Dirk held out both hands.

“Enough. We can have a lovely dinner over a four course meal, with ships firing fireworks over the bay, or just firing at the city creating lovely explosions and death all around.” Dirk said, exasperated.

“You know you’re even cuter when you’re frustrated? Dinner wouldn't be bad at all.” Sarah replied even as Marvelous sighed and lay down on the bed, shaking his head wearily.
“What’s the plan? And dinner followed by drinks isn't it.” Marvelous said. “At least, I hope not.”

“The plan is you two are to get the commander of the army prepared for something. Considering our location, I’ll be getting some of the naval commanders ready as well, perhaps even corralling a few other assorted special people to help our defense.” Dirk explained. “I would assume a small strike fleet, there’s probably something special or particular wanted here in Bilgewater, otherwise we’d have heard of a fleet arriving from the patrol ships. I don't think we can afford to spread the word about this to many people else the information will leak and the chance to capture the mastermind will disappear."

“Correct. The fewer people know about a covert operation the best.” Sarah got up off of the bed and pointed to the map. “There’s been rumors of a trading galleon coming loaded with gems, vintage drinks and other special goods that aren't on the manifest. It docks tonight, and will leave in the morning. Nothing else on a ship is coming through Bilgewater that is unusual for the next week.”

“How do you…nevermind.” Marvelous moved up to look at the path Sarah traced on the map. “I know a few trusty men. We can get them on the docks and see what’s unloaded tonight. If there’s something going to be stolen, we can be there in person to prevent it or see if someone will be raiding that ship.”

“It’s interesting that you know more about the trade routes than the Institute.” Dirk said, musing about what he just had heard. “It seems as likely a target for an attack as anything else. Grab an artifact from the ship, take the profits as well, blame it on someone and you’re home free. How would you escape though…” Dirk didn't need to smack his head, he figured it out just as he said it. “You two coordinate the land forced and be ready to protect the galleon. I’ll get on the sea forces.”

“If we think this ship is the target, why don’t we just call out the entire fleet?” Marvelous asked. “Then we’ll foil it without any chance of failure.”

“While I would personally like to do that, my orders are to stop it as well as uncovering who’s behind it. If we put everything on alert, it will most likely prevent whoever is behind this from acting, thereby losing us our one chance at figuring out who’s pulling the strings, why, and next time we may not have information leading us to be there. I can’t risk another city, Bilgewater again, or any more lives if we expose what will be happening within the next few days.” Dirk shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry, but that’s how it must be. I cannot trust anyone, and an entire navy is far too many people for liking.”

“Why are you using us then? Why not just be a one-man army and stop it all on your lonesome?” Sarah asked.

“Because he needs to be sure you’re not involved.” Marvelous realized. “The only people who could have the contacts and power to pull off an attack or heist would have to be someone very powerful. Such as a commander, a Summoner or a champion. You’re a champion.”

“So, you have Captain Marvelous here to watch me... to make sure I am not behind this. I can prove my loyalty by preventing it, and you've narrowed down your suspect list if we don’t catch them.” Sarah smiled. “You’re smart and cute. Lethal combination I've found.”

“Keep in mind, this galleon might not be attacked.” Dirk said. “It seems like a juicy target, but it may not be it at all.”

“I've got a few contacts we can talk to about the manifest.” Sarah said. “If we had something to bargain with, we could possibly get a complete list and bring it to you, see if there’s anything you might see that we can’t.”

“What do you need?” Dirk asked, pulling a bag from nothingness and shoving his hand into it.

“Probably around a hundred gold coins, and a lovely necklace for myself would be really nice.” Sarah said with a small smile.

“This should be more than enough. Feel free to bargain.” Dirk said as he tossed a small bar of gold over to Marvelous. “It’s worth around five hundred. As for your necklace…” Dirk continued rummaging around until he pulled out a silver necklace with a small ruby set in the center. He tossed it over to Marvelous as well, ignoring the incredulous stares from both of them. “Marvelous, you can decide when Sarah earns her payment.”

“Oh, how I will enjoy this.” Marvelous toyed with the necklace, even going as far as to twirl it around his pointer finger, watching as Sarah’s eyes revolved with the ruby. “I get to be in control of your payment. How I will love toying with you.”

“Watch it.” Sarah growled. “I can still hunt you down.”

“As for the Captain’s payment, this is his as well.” Dirk tossed over a very small scroll to Sarah who caught it and held it tight, even as Marvelous tried to grab it out of the air. “It’s a pardon for most of the things he didn't do.”

“Most?” Marvelous said incredulously. “I didn't do any of them. If you want my help, I want an investigation so I can clear my name and your help to do it.”

“And if I should prove you did it by the investigation?” Dirk asked.

“Then I’ll accept punishment, but I didn't do it.” Marvelous protested. “That pardon will only show I got away with it. The investigation will show that I didn't do it in the first place so I can stop being hunted.”

“Agreed.” Dirk said sternly. “As such, this will get most bounty hunters off of you for now, except for a certain redhead next to you who may not like you toying with her payment. We can investigate your innocence after we’re done here.”

“Exactly.” Sarah said smugly even as Marvelous groaned.

“Fine. Partners?” Marvelous asked, holding out his hand to Sarah.

“Partners.” She agreed.

“Meet back here at six.” Dirk ordered. “Check out the manifest, get a copy if you can. If there’s anything suspicious get roles for the two of you, and any other trusted colleagues you can corral assigned to the docks tonight. They’ll be paid if that’s the incentive they need.” Dirk began rummaging through Marvelous’ dresser and pulled out a shirt and a pair of pants. He slipped them on over his current ones, knowing he had to blend in for his next task.

“And what will you be doing?” Marvelous asked.

“I've got some sea contacts I need to talk to. We might need some sea help as well as land.” Dirk said. “This entire thing is fishy, so why not get a fish to help us?” Then Dirk slipped outside of the room and disappeared.

“Well, what a way to spoil my day.” Sarah said.

“And to save mine. Shall we get started?” Marvelous gestured outside of the room as well.

“I wouldn't have thought the start to a Captain Marvelous date would be with leading a lady away from your bedroom.” Sarah commented as she stepped outside as well.

“It sure as hell isn't the last thing I do either.” Marvelous muttered as he locked the door behind him.


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CaptainMÃ¥rvelous

Member

07-05-2013

And it's my turn!


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Averdrian

This user has referred a friend to League of Legends, click for more information

Senior Member

07-05-2013

These are awesome c:


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ThatNinjaGuy

Senior Member

07-05-2013

CaptainMårvelous
å
å
å


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Riot Morgageddon

Player Support Tech Specialist

07-05-2013
5 of 22 Riot Posts

Morgageddon blushes at missing an 'n'

Appreciated fine sir and/or ma'am!


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Koto

Member

07-05-2013

And it's vanished. ~

Critique: I'm going to put this into a Word document and proofread it a little. Then I will report back.

Edit: done. http://pastebin.com/ewgn6spq~ It'll be visible for a day. Cleared some ambiguities, syntax, grammar, that sort of junk. I tried to keep it mostly intact, though.

Edit #2: First line: should be 'were', not 'was'. Embarrassing for me to miss it. Tell me when you get it and I'll remove. I'm doing another pass, just in case...

Edit #3: Should be “You, too, are well known for your infamy.” Dirk said.

“It’s the best I can offer now without retreating to some very disreputable bars, a place no one would ever expect to see a Summoner." Read this carefully.

General comments on exposition: the names given in the opening (Dirk, Miss Fortune, third person) do not mesh well with the names later used in the dialogue (Sarah, Marvelous, "Captain," etc.). At times this can have a useful effect, but in this case it required several reads to determine who everyone was. A less ambitious exposition might be better, at least for fluency's sake.

7: bars, a place-> bars, places
20: kick Sarah-> kick, Sarah
24: "Dirk said-> " Dirk said
46: fame Miss Fortune-> fame, Miss Fortune
54: speaker changes who he is speaking to in mid-sentence? somewhat awkward
58: Focus on the land forces, I'll focus on the sea-> Focus on the land forces, and I'll focus on the sea (forces)
64: what is Shock? Ambiguous without prior knowledge
83: the best-> the better?; There's been-> There have been; tonight, and will leave-> tonight and will leave
88: escape though-> escape, though; head, he figured-> head. He figured?; land, be ready-> land. Be ready
95: subject list-> suspect list?
97: might not be attack-> might not be attacked
99: " I've-> "I've
131: " I've-> "I've


Should be “An unknown champion will lead an attack against Bilgewater - within days at most." or something like that, because it's ridiculous to say it's at an unknown time and then specify a narrow range of time in which the event will happen. The gist is clear, it's just that the phrasing's awkward. A metric ton of places where you probably want to substitute hyphens for commas as your break, because a comma denotes a breath.

“So, you have Captain Marvelous here to watch me... to make sure I'm not behind this." for instance. Two things - mainly you should keep consistency with contractions per character, unless you're explicitly signalling a tone change, but that's minor. At the ellipsis it should be whatever break you want, but not a short pause. If you say it aloud, you'll realize it makes no sense in that context. Er, the original was different.

A bunch of stuff mainly to do with phrasing, break length, what have you, that I can't/won't touch because it could be your way of writing it or whatever. I think that's all. I feel awkward suggesting a gamut of changes to someone's work, and most of all to things that potentially make a portion of their style.

If I could suggest two simple ideas - read things aloud and break 'types' of writing up, be it a long dialogue or action, with the other type. . .I've said too much, I think.


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Riot Morgageddon

Player Support Tech Specialist

07-05-2013
6 of 22 Riot Posts

Morgageddon appreciates all feedback.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Koto View Post
And it's vanished. ~

Critique: I'm going to put this into a Word document and proofread it a little. Then I will report back.

Edit: done. http://pastebin.com/ewgn6spq~ It'll be visible for a day. Cleared some ambiguities, syntax, grammar, that sort of junk. I tried to keep it mostly intact, though.

Edit #2: First line: should be 'were', not 'was'. Embarrassing for me to miss it. Tell me when you get it and I'll remove. I'm doing another pass, just in case...

Edit #3: Should be “You, too, are well known for your infamy.” Dirk said.

Should be “An unknown champion will lead an attack against Bilgewater - within days at most." or something like that, because it's ridiculous to say it's at an unknown time and then specify a narrow range of time in which the event will happen. The gist is clear, it's just that the phrasing's awkward. A metric ton of places where you probably want to substitute hyphens for commas as your break, because a comma denotes a breath.

“So, you have Captain Marvelous here to watch me... to make sure I'm not behind this." for instance. Two things - mainly you should keep consistency with contractions per character, unless you're explicitly signalling a tone change, but that's minor. At the ellipsis it should be whatever break you want, but not a short pause. If you say it aloud, you'll realize it makes no sense in that context. Er, the original was different.

A bunch of stuff mainly to do with phrasing, break length, what have you, that I can't/won't touch because it could be your way of writing it or whatever. I think that's all. I feel awkward suggesting a gamut of changes to someone's work, and most of all to things that potentially make a portion of their style.

If I could suggest two simple ideas - read things aloud and break 'types' of writing up, be it a long dialogue or action, with the other type. . .I've said too much, I think.
I should spend more time editing than I do with this, since I was writing this in the office and that's not quite my natural setting so I rush when I need to slow down and read it slowly and carefully. I'll make sure to do it on the next chapter though!