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So, after a match today, I got into a sort of... "debate" we'll call it... with a fellow summoner. I was feeling particularly trolly and I may or may not had been listening to Vanilla Ice very recently. So... It went a bit like this...
Him: "You suck. You only killed me once"
(For the record, he's not incorrect about me sucking)
Me: "Gotcha a second time, I'll follow it up with a dope rhyme."
Me: "ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, Because apparently you've forgotten my face. I'm Icarus, I killed once before, now you're dead again, what a friggin' disgrace. I don't know why you seem to think I'm a chump, because I dropped you like an after Taco Bell dump. You're pathetic, a phoney, a wannabe man. Still avoiding puberty like Peter Pan. No it's okay, I was only AFK, alt-tabbed back in just to ruin your day. Don't feel bad, we can't all be me.
Go on and send your friends - I'll kick their asses for free."
Feeling quite proud of my white-boy rhyming skills, I was sure the debate was won... Until...
Him: "Okay, if you're so clever, rhyme with orange."
Damn! The TABLES HAD TURNED. Orange... I had to think fast. Luckily, I was wearing my Batman shirt, and it helped me deduce that there was one way to rhyme with orange...
Me: "Orange? Rhymes like a squeaky door henge. Man this s**t's getting pretty borrenge. I guess I'm kind of stretching the word, but your request is absurd, so I'll flip you the bird (ya nerd). What, you thought you had a clever comeback? That you were sharp as a tack? That I'd fade to black? B***h please, you don't know what you've done, in any cycle of the moon or the sun, I'm number one.
Put down the controller, log off the game, before your street cred I further defame. This can't be fun or are you into pain? I've had more challenge from a s**t stain. Okay, maybe that was a little mean, maybe you're a noobie, maybe you're green. I guess what I'm trying to say was simply just missed...
So there is my message, go on, get pissed."
I was quite proud of myself. Surely that masterful wordplay had won the gentleman over to my way of thinking. And then he went for the throat.
Him: "YOU'RE NOT COOL"
I wasn't... cool? No. No it couldn't be true. I refused to believe it. But his words... they made sense. Deep in my soul I felt, maybe, just maybe, I wasn't cool. But then I remembered that I play Kassadin and that automatically makes me cool. I also happen to be wearing PJ pants with Pizza designs on it. It doesn't get cooler than that.
Me: "Art thou mad brother? Shakespeare might say. Then he'd drop the mic and into the night away. But see, motherf****r, I'm here to stay. You opened this can and now you will pay.
I was gonna play nice, but I can see you're a c**k. Knock you down a peg? F**k that, I'll knock you down the block. I'm old school man, I played Mario son. No not in 3D, b***h, the 8-bit one. Man, you make me feel old, so why don't you be a good kid and DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD. Man up, shut up, and take my advice - I've had more engaging battles with head lice.
That's right, I'll compare you to a bug. Walk all over you like a cheap ass rug. I might be white and my rhymes might be forced - And sometimes I just won't rhyme because f**k you.
Now this is a game and I'm only talking trash, but I'll scratch you out like a painful rash. Actually, you're not supposed to scratch those. Scratching rashes causes them to spread more. You really shouldn't do it. In fact, if you have a rash, you should consult a doctor. Seriously. That **** can get serious."
Ha. That showed him. I was the victor. I knew it in my heart to be true. Yes. There was no coming back from this.
Him: "ARE YOU ON SOME KIND OF DRUGS? OR RETARDED? YOU ARE GIVING ME ADVICE ON RASHES OVER THE INTERNET"
I... Well... Um... ****.
Me: "Yeah, well... Um... Uh... You're bad and don't call MIAs."
Him: "You're seriously retarded."
Shameless self plug: I also work at GameStop and tell ridiculous stories of my time there :3